Today I slept for so long, it was what I body so needed, time to rest my brain and body. I feel like I need to have a break every now again and shut down to help me compensate for all the pain and work that I put it through.
I think during half term school holiday I am working harder to socialise and be with others for longer periods of time. Don’t get me wrong I adore my children but being autistic it is challenging to spend so long with individuals.
I feel us autistic folk need time to hibernate and re-charge our batteries more than neurotypical people. I think one of the reasons is because I am working that harder to apply social skills that may not necessarily come naturally to me.
Then there is the emotional side where I beat myself up over my shortfalls to ridiculous amount. One of the reasons because you can’t help but compare yourself to other random people, even though you don’t know through social media.
I always view my autism as a battle, something I have to get up and deal with every single day. On top of that I have to deal with the internal battle of low self-esteem and dealing myself as a parent.
Most of the time I feel like I am blagging a this whole parenting thing and I put so much energy in to trying to function like everyone else that I burn myself out, hence the breaks and shutdown.
So, that is one of the many struggles I have as an autistic parent, it is never easy but I am thankful for my blog. It is true what they say that writing things down may not cure my situation but it is a place to clear my mind of the many thoughts that are buzzing around in my head.
Cheers for reading X
I don’t know why but today is a really shitty day. It might be because I am overly tired, in a lot of physical pain, stressed about money, anxious about half term and entertaining children, going away on holiday (I struggle with my autism) but finally the last thing that broke the camels back is the cat puking all over my bed late at night. I had to change the bedding when I was desperately tired. Oh the joys!
I blow my top and had massive row with hubby, called him a dick amongst other names. Then took myself to the bedroom and cried so hard in my pillow, which I haven’t done in a long time.
It felt so good almost like a pressure that has been built up inside of me escaping. It is hard to keep your head above water, generally I manage with the odd blip I’m alright. But after weeks of keeping my shit together I just needed to have to have a break down and just get it out of my system.
I have been doing this for years albeit when I have had clinical depression when I just totally sunk internally inside of myself. Maybe it just the way I am programmed.
Although at the time it felt needed and good. However, now I have to say sorry to the hubby for being a dick…it was just the anger. Maybe a little jealous of him as he is so laid back and can take every on the chin. Whereas I can only do maybe three things and then the juggling becomes too much to deal with.
It is lonely at times, I wish I could stop comparing myself to others but then again isn’t it innate and I am wired to do so for survival purposes?! My head is too fucked to make any clear rational conclusions.
Let’s just have a sleep and forget the rest till later, but it is so lonely having a disability that messes you up and making you feel not normal. So much more effort I have to put into things which then sucks all my energy. But it won’t be long until I will have to rise whilst having very little energy and enthusiasm.
Cheers for reading X
This week has been a tough week for me with change particularly as both boys are back at school/nursery. So tiredness has been in full bloom and affected me very much so. It annoys me tired and here is my reasons:
- I can’t get anything done as I am so tired. makes me miserable when I think all about my bed when I have an endless list of tasks that have left uncompleted.
- Makes me over the top with emotions. One minute really happy followed instance with tears, boo!
- I have to remake stuff as I make errors particularly the all important tea making when I accidentally put coffee in the cup, ffs!
- You can’t think straight and nothing makes logical sense.
- You question yourself about everything and want to hide away.
- All your body aches with the exhaustion and lifting things kills.
- Nothing becomes more sexier then a nap.
- Really affects my self esteem over a long period and influences my depression.
- Long periods of tiredness can cause me to lose joy in everyday activities. It is hard to put a mask on to the world.
- Low energy and inability to be creative with ideas on things I want to achieve.
Cheers for reading X
It’s Tuesday and I am exhausted. I have started to feel like I want to flop with the amount of new information I am constantly been put on me. Not to mention the addition social interactions that have increased causing me to feel overwhelmed.I am also doing a parent course which incorporates each week changes in behaviour, not always easy and over time can be quite daughting especially if I don’t instantly get it. Parenting is so hard, I appreciate it is for everyone but grrrrr I’m frustrated and what smash my head in (I won’t though too much blood to clean up!).
I forget sometimes how for most people having a three hour session sat with a support worker involving talking and wondering round shops can drain me.
I have such a small resources to cope and I have to be careful to look after myself. Don’t get me wrong I have come along way through my autism journey. Where once I hated shopping and constantly have Meltdowns in busy places. Not to mention the fact I hated being around people I would avoid any social contact causing me to lock myself away in my home. Now I can go out and meet people albeit extremely draining after where I need to collapse and recuperate for a good few hourss. I can’t tell you how my body aches after trying to take every word, look at all the detail is for me but it sure is exhausting.
I don’t know what the score is with other aspies but I am constantly trying to balance my life where I am not over stimulated but furthermore not under stimulated. This is a big battle for me as I feel like I am constantly swinging the cradle back and for. I still haven’t met that perfect amount of stimulation and I’m not sure if I ever will. Sometimes I feel like this is part of my disability. However, I am trying to not go overboard on either side particularly draining all my energy as by the end of the week I lose all my motivation to get up and go.
Cheers for reading X