Bubble

It’s this time,

that gets me,

when no one

is here,

alone,

without turbulence,

just me and silence,

I feel sane,

with no blame,

this is me,

in my bubble.

clouds

One of my favourite past times is to watch clouds particularity when the sky is so blue and the clouds are so fluffy. Sometimes I think of when I was a child looking up and thinking that the clouds went on and on, never really ending. I just love the sun shining down and watching the clouds float about their day. I like to make patterns and see what kind of formation I can make and guess what companion thinks siting with me on the warm grass of a hot summer. These things are free but so beautifully forgotten about.

 

The day in the life of a depressive

Hey readers,

Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.

abstract 1

This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.

Then my brain reminds  me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.

abstract 2

The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being  stuck  in a situation that I have no  control over.

Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to  be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.

abstract 3

But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.

Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.

You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.

Cheers for reading X

Fat Attack

Hey readers,

Today I feel crap (again). Eaten too much sugar, so miffed with myself and deluded. Yesterday was better, I eat sensibly then the stress got to me and my impulses were strong. I need something but I don’t know what exactly, I just feel stuck and can’t get out of this pattern of being good a couple days and then binging. I need focus but I need to stick with one idea and then just go with it.

fat

Why there is so much information out there, my head can’t deal with it, ffs.
It is so hard because you can’t control all external influences, i.e. hubby buying cake and having the will power to say no, but I am still weak.

SUGAR IS A DRUG – and I am still very much dependant on it especially when I am feeling shit as a parent and dealing with the mental torture that I inflict myself each day.

Argh, I am so frustrated and angry with myself, but this won’t help will it. I need to stop this beating down I do to myself.
I know it is me and my own responsibility, seriously I need to be nicer to myself, that would be a great start.

Cheers for reading X

diamond geezer

Hey readers,

Here is a poem inspired by a person I know. I am not going to say who it is but they certainly made an impression on me.

Your a bit of a diamond geezer,

Your too cool to interview,

No one will brainwash you,

into fluttering away the thoughts,

that make you strong in character,

you not scared,

water may dry up,

put your solid as a rock.

At times there is hatred or misjudged,

people maybe offended by you,

maybe because they are intimated,

your bold and strong,

no weakness gets through to you,

the only times curtains will close,

is at your burial.

Cheers for reading X

Prose for Thought