My eyes are raw
Going through the emotions,
Change is a big deal,
Something that can’t be gone.
Today I feel defeated,
Now it is all poured out,
when will it stop,
I feel the pressure go,
as my wound unfolds.
Today I slept for so long, it was what I body so needed, time to rest my brain and body. I feel like I need to have a break every now again and shut down to help me compensate for all the pain and work that I put it through.
I think during half term school holiday I am working harder to socialise and be with others for longer periods of time. Don’t get me wrong I adore my children but being autistic it is challenging to spend so long with individuals.
I feel us autistic folk need time to hibernate and re-charge our batteries more than neurotypical people. I think one of the reasons is because I am working that harder to apply social skills that may not necessarily come naturally to me.
Then there is the emotional side where I beat myself up over my shortfalls to ridiculous amount. One of the reasons because you can’t help but compare yourself to other random people, even though you don’t know through social media.
I always view my autism as a battle, something I have to get up and deal with every single day. On top of that I have to deal with the internal battle of low self-esteem and dealing myself as a parent.
Most of the time I feel like I am blagging a this whole parenting thing and I put so much energy in to trying to function like everyone else that I burn myself out, hence the breaks and shutdown.
So, that is one of the many struggles I have as an autistic parent, it is never easy but I am thankful for my blog. It is true what they say that writing things down may not cure my situation but it is a place to clear my mind of the many thoughts that are buzzing around in my head.
Cheers for reading X
Have not written any poetry for awhile and tonight felt inspired to type away. So without further ado here is the poem.
Motivation where are you?
I need you here with me right now.
I’m lost and I don,t know where to go.
You’ve gone and left me to my own devices.
why did you have to go and vanish?
I am nothing now but a mess.
I wished I listened and acted,
Instead of hiding and wishing it all away.
you were my only friend I could rely on.
Now I am silently alone again.
No one hears my cries,
The battle with me and mind
We argue like cats and dogs,
But with you around I could escape,
Forget about them dark thoughts,
Emerge myself in some sort of work.
So please come back.
I promise to listen,
No one pushes me in speed mode,
Or gets me like you do.
Please come back.
I promise I will listen.
You are my friend and guided light.
Without you I am nothing mere a mess.
Cheers for reading X