My word is:
I don’t know why but every year I get worked up about Christmas and I have to get all the presents sorted out. I tend to get very stressed because it is a chance and that stresses me out.
It doesn’t help that things have gone wrong and you need to find the money to replace them, sods law and all that. I wish I had savings but too poor for that. So, you worry about it all. Anyhow that has been sorted and is a huge relief. But the other night I spend writing and rewriting lists as it calms me. I just go into panic mode because I gotta kind of thing outside of the box and try to budget. I think becuase everywhere Christmas is being pushed now after Halloween has been done and dusted. anyhow, I got it ll planned and feel back in control.
Cheers for reading X
Did I ever tell you that I liked order, if you have previously read my blog then you will know I a lover of control.
I am not the spontaneous type, I like planning and knowing what to expect. Which is ironic as my husband is the complete opposite and yes there are heater arguments at times. No one wins, I just go to bed and say f*ck it! I have little energy. unless my autistic brain goes into overdrive when he will be greeted with a full-on meltdown. joy!
I sometimes see parents and I know we shouldn’t compare but I do believe that it is innate from our ancestors as a technique to help stay on top and survival. However in this day and age, it is now used overboard, yes that does includes me too.
I see people have days packed with things. Someone I know even when to a country park for 5 hours, me I couldn’t do it. My autistic brain gets tired with so many stimuli I am exhausted and mentally and physically after an hour or two. Hats of to parents who can but most mornings I can’t get my body to move as I am so tired. It doesn’t help that I am on medication that makes me very groggy.
I yet again feel rubbish about myself, yep it is a common theme where I batter myself with nasties because in my head I am not enough to be a parent.
I know this is ridiculousness but when you are in the moment and your anxiety is sky high your brain will trick you into believing it. It feels real and that takes up a hell of a lot of energy. I spend most of the time cursing and wishing I didn’t have autism.
I try to do crafts with the boy, I can barely reach the first instruction without me failing. I am rubbish at instructions and if they are not basic and when I say basic I mean it. It is something about reading and processing the information that gets muddles up in my messy mind. Guess what here we go again I beat myself up because I can’t do the simplest of things at times. My intentions are good but sometimes I just get fed up with myself that I wonder why do I bother because I love my son and what to do things for him.
So yeah it is another whingeing post but this is my life as an autistic parent (a parent with autism) and the struggles are very real. It may only be small but they soon stack up and it takes its toll on you. It can grind you down day in day out faced with challenges and how to overcome the challenges. So, you can understand why I get so worn out, it is hard work trying to navigate through a neurotypical world with autism. This is especially true for an adult with autism as people assume you have grown at of it when you reach adulthood. By the way yes that is a true story and real comments said to me.
Cheers for reading X
There is so much noise around whether on TV, phone, tablet whatever there is constantly things that are grabbing our attention.
Sometimes it can really get to me and that is why it is important to take ten minutes a day along in the quiet to just be without any distractions.
I have started doing this a few months ago and I will be honest at first I did find it really hard with having so many racing thoughts. But over time it gets easier with practice.
I find taking time out each day really helps me appreciate the moment and slowing down. It gives me that time to just stop and breathe. I simply do nothing and it is really relaxing to just let go.
I lie on my bed (that is my favourite place to be) I turn everything off and close my eyes and let whatever comes into my head slip away. I forget about it if it is important it will come back to me.
I think it is a real skill to learn to be present and at the moment, even if it is just for a small percentage of the day. The world moves fast and it is to not notice. to just sit and be mindful, to feel whatever it is and just breathe. I am not massively into mindfulness but just sitting and breathing has helped greatly with learning to relax, which funny enough is something I am not very good at.
I have found it to help my anxiety and thoughts by training myself to not feed into them but focus on the sensory of the hear and now. I am learning to let go of the anxiety and knowing that ten minutes of the day is mine to just be, relax and appreciate what is happening right here, right now.
Cheers for reading X
I don’t know where to begin,
I’m just tired,
Keeping my head above,
Is the hardest thing.
One of my problems due to my depression and autism is that I can pull my hair out. I link it to sensory purposes as sometimes I am so numb that I want to feel something or hurt myself. I have been knowing to pull and yank my hair when I am very distressed. I have ripped out clumps of hair when I am going through a meltdown or when I am really angry because I don’t always have the communication skills to express myself. Sometimes, I feel that I need to punish myself because I am not a good parent. I hate myself and worry that I am royally screwing up my children because I have a disability and can not always give the opportunities that other parents can give to their children.
I know it is not the ‘normal’ way to self-harm that has been popularised over the years. I get so frustrated and hurt myself due to low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy due to my autism. I know this is a sad state of affairs but it is true.
I have always struggled with my autism probably because of past responses of parent/carer when I was younger of not being good enough or the adult of my care being in denial and rejecting my diagnosis. Even to this day I still battle with the thoughts frequently.
I have discussed in a vlog before about skin picking but I haven’t mentioned hair pulling because I was in a bit of denial. I feel through the autism community is good online in accepting and promoting praise for the disability. I feel that if you were to pipe up and say actually sometimes I don’t like being autistic, that you might get abuse and people won’t like you. I guess I am not yet that strong to always speak out and be honest about how I am feeling. I think it is something with time and with my confidence in blogging writing it will come out.
Maybe one day I may get so bad that I need to look at treatment to sort out my hair. One way could be a hair transplant. look into hair transplant cost
Cheers for reading X
The constant checking,
to find a formula,
that appears to calculate,
my need for answers,
end up in a tangled up mess.