I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment. One moment I feel like I am doing alright with life and then the next thing bang the darkness appears. I swear at times anxiety hates me, it is on 24-hour alert to catch me, especially when I am most venerable. It hates the fact that I am doing OK and hates to see me managing and getting on with life. My brain needs anxiety I feel, I can’t relax and that is the biggest downfall. As I have experienced anxiety for so long where it is not there I worry about worrying if you know what I mean.
I have this inability to relax. I like the adrenaline at times, feeling alert and it almost feels like a way to clarify that I am alive and living. I have had anxiety for most of my life that when I am not having anxiety I think it is my problem adapting to change. It feels weird to not have the anxiety around.
I am learning to try and let go, allow that anxiety to come and to try not to shy away from it. it is what it is, fear brings it on and that’s not healthy either. I think being present at the moment with the anxiety is one of my biggest challenges. I can’t believe how hard it is to just be and face the anxiety head-on. I am on alert, my body is tight, my muscles and mind hurt. Every night I have a splitting headache due to fighting this anxiety.
It feels like I am doing a mental workout, it is exhausting but with being anxiety warrior you can’t deny resilience is there. Good or bad resilience it is in me and I keep on fighting when at times I just want to hide under a fort, but sadly I need to get up and go, with or without anxiety.
However, that being said I have spent years trying to get rid of this anxiety. Now, I am trying a new approach where I allow it to come, greet it with open arms. I don’t want to be scared of anxiety anymore. I have autism as well and anxiety is a common trait for a lot of people on the spectrum including me. So, instead of trying to change it, I am going to acknowledge the anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety can be good, it might make me think twice about what I am doing. it may be anxiety cause let’s face it not all anxiety is bad. I think media portray it with negative connotations but you can use to your advantage.
The main line of this anxiety post is that I am trying to learn to live with the anxiety, accept it for what it is. don’t put everything I have one then anxiety and know that it is the only sort of me. it doesn’t define me and that actually in control of my life.
Cheers for reading X
Ever think that to see a therapist you have to see someone face-to-face? then you’re wrong, not in this digital era where therapeutic services are offered online. One online therapist is Betterhelp.com/start that provide just that.
First, the organisation goes through a consultation to work out the right therapist for you and your needs, therefore getting the right help rather than just a generic therapist. I myself have in the past seen a therapist that had no understanding of my issues which was not very helpful and it makes you feel pretty rubbish as well.
There are many reasons why people would opt for seeing a therapist online. I suppose the first one would be if you don’t feel comfortable in a physical room with someone, it is much easier talking to a person online.
If you have social anxiety, like myself then the process of actually traveling on public transport to see a therapist is mentally testing and then having to do the therapy on top can be quite tricky depending on the severity of your mental health condition.
Another reason could be accessibility for some people. If they live in rural areas to travel a distance could be problematic, so having access to a online therapist is ideal for them.
Having a therapy service online means there is more opportunity in the choice of therapists you have, meaning more change to get someone trained in a specific area that you want to work on too, win-win for both sides
With having an online service means more clients been seen which could give testimonies of the services. Therefore a better light of the quality of therapy you will get. This could provide confidence knowing that the therapy will be good quality.
Cheers for reading X
This post is a sponsored post, however, all opinions expressed are entirely my own.
Why do I screw it up,
Words are tbere
But they don’t come out.
Now I am left with doubt,
Paranoia to the max,
All the things I could say,
But the anxiety cripes me,
Now I am sad,
Becuase yet again I have messed up.
Today I wondered into town on a hot Saturday. The atmosphere was busy, people everywhere. Both things I am not very good at.
I appreciate that this is standard, I aimed to go to the supermarket to do shopping. I got half way there and had a funny turn. Don’t worry it is my anxiety based symptom. I have social anxiety and today it reminded me that it was there. I am not invisible, maybe a naive thinking I am better then I actually am when in reality some days are tough.
I think sometimes I forget that being in recovery from mental health problems is a rocky road and it is not simply just black and white. It takes as long as it takes, some days are better then others. It may take years to recovery or it might be something I have to live with and manage. I think as a person dealing with social anxiety it is really quite hard to remember that life isn’t linear and it is quite messy.
It is so easy for me to put pressure on to get get to the end but sometimes you have to just accept the fact that you are not ok and you know what that is ok. I also feel when you discuss mental health with others who may not have experienced it or have a different experience to yourself their ‘helpful’ advice is really not that. They put their frustrations on you and there is so much pressure to ‘pull yourself together’.
These expectations that you should instantly find a magic cure especially when you have a label as such you sense that patience runs so thin. People don’t see mental health like physical, ok mental health awareness has improved but not the acceptance. People thing by changing your attitude it will instantly get rid it doesn’t work like that. It is something that you have to constantly work at it and you can be so hard on yourself. You forget that it is your journey and some days are just rough. It is ok to say you know what today is a shit day, sometime we have them. I am going to say quite controversially that sometimes it can be good to have a bad day because it gives you change to reflect and appreciate the good stuff.
Cheers for reading X
I promise I will be better,
but right now
I will drown in my sorrow.
I have lost the fight,
I need to build it up,
my energy is lost,
please wait for me,
we will find away,
to get back up
and start over again.
My demons are hiding,
right inside my soul,
they come out to play,
when I think I have one.
They don’t let me forget,
even if I build a shield,
they stab right through,
to my core centre.