National picnic week 

Hey readers,

Apparently I have been told that this week is national picnic week so let’s celebrate this appreciate for all things picnicy!

picnic 2

Firstly, as a parent picnic’s are a blessing because it means less tiding up for you as you leave the crumbs and check the paper plates in the bin, result!

You can pretend to be all fancy with your paper plates and napkins, there is a sense of sophistication (even if it is paper).

It is a great way to get out of mummy prison and less time having to focus on what the hell you going to do to entertain your child.

Any excuse for some ice-cream – let’s make this a number one priority when having a picnic.

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Picnic food can be finger food, which is my kinda food. It is lovely a spread out where you can take as you please, there is a sense of family and togetherness. You can bond and talk about life *cue sick bucket*.

Nothing says summer like eating out Al fresco in the open.

When your young it feels like an adventure and it is free in the fact that when it is winter and miserable you end up in soft play hell and a hole in your wallet.

It is good to have a change of scenery and doing something different. Parenting can become tedious doing the same thing day in, day out so it gives us parents a change to keep hold of your sanity.

picnic

Eating outside when the sun is shining is a quick way to top up on some Vitamin D, which has some health benefits with helping  your mind feel good.

Technically if the child/ren are outside they are running around during that energy off which means that they should sleep better, *fist pumps*.

Cheers for reading X

 

Hot Pink Wellingtons
PoCoLo

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoia and anxious. 

alone

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don’t do small talk and the things I think about to talk about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

alone 2

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, in this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability makes me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don’t worry I won’t but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ‘ believe’ others think. 

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I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role, because I view success on where I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can’t I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confided in a wheel chair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down. I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judge me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, but it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis less children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

diaryofanimperfectmum

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Dear Bear and Beany

My boy of late…

Hey readers,

I have a confession to make, today was hard day for me mentally, not only am I dealing with my  own issues but also them of  my son’s. Today he had a major meltdown which left us at breaking point. Not just for me I think, but actually for my husband as well. My husband is normally chilled out and causal about stuff so, it must be pretty bad when he is worried about how he will not only mange  with his wife’s autism (he is my carer as well) but potentially his son’s.

back

I am currently sat in the other room because I really can’t cope at this point with my son’s screaming for over an hour.

We went to visit a butterfly farm locally to us, today, the butterflies are in a massive green house room and can freely flutter by. Here is where the problem lies, my son had a meltdown at this place because he could not cope with the butterflies random movement (which  I struggle also struggle with) but had taken medication to physical effects of anxiety).  He is 5 years old and is an independent walker however, my husband had to carry him around as the only place where he was calm after the heightened anxiety was where the butterflies were not in one of the other areas. The moment he stepped back into the arena where all the butterflies were that was it again, he just could not cope with it and was panic attack.

All afternoon he has been on a roller-coaster of emotions. But finally he has settled to just streaming and I mean screaming. He literally has to be restraint because of how violent his behaviour has become. He is biting, scratching, hitting, and lashing out and potentially harming our youngest.

Now,  I have been on a parenting course where it is frowned upon restraining children. I am very conscious of this. I do not do it under any circumstances but when it is a situation where risk involved and the child is hurting themselves and no other way can help that child stay calm then is not much left we could of done.

tea

Now you are wondering have we been to the professionals to discuss our concerns and the answer is yes, several times. Let me tell you the background, firstly he started school this September so we approached the school to see what his behaviour was like and to ask for guidance. They did observe but didn’t feel any worries. So, we went to our GP, he said to speak to the specialist person. SO we did and filled out our worries on paper, then they would investigate. That was fine, they came back to us I think within the month saying that they have taken on board our concerns but because his behaviour is not affecting him at school that they can not really do anything. However, they did say that come back in a year and see what is behaviour is like and see if any behaviour changes have occurred.

Well that is great help because as most of us know generally children are totally different when they are school, it is a different environment etc. I asked my cpn (community psychiatric nurse) who see’s me for my mental health what his advice is because he may have had experience and what he thinks we should do.

He said that the only path at the moment is through the school or GP. So because my son’s behaviour is masked (because I know for one he copies a lot of behaviour, he is very similar to me. I kid you not my husband always says that talking to him is like talking to me).

cold

So, basically there is no other avenue, because apparently if the child is perfectly well behaved then the child will go through the net but if the child is extreme then they will get the help they deserve. Bearing in mind that these teachers are looking after 30 odd children so they can’t spend long periods of time with them individually. It is just so frustrating right now because we just don’t know what to do but one thing is for sure no seems to care if your not extreme. They see the whole picture and that is what really sucks.

I am writing this so that I can document my journey with my eldest, who knows where we will end up but his behaviour is erratic and there is genuine concern there.

Cheers for reading X

Dear Bear and Beany


The Tale of Mummyhood

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

 

May 2017 Goals

Hey readers,

I am feeling a bit meh today, so to help me shake the blues I thought I would do some positive work. Therefore I am going to look at some things I want to achieve this month.

Firstly, I want to grow my Instagram followers, I recently set up a new Instagram profile and want increase my followers from currently 193 to 250. Not sure if this is ambitious or just right. Not worried if I don’t achieve it, just something I want to aim for.

insta

Secondly, I would like to fit four books in the month. My mood appears to be influencing my motivation to get anything done. So if I have a concrete plan hopefully that should kick me in the right direction.

books

Thirdly, I want to start running again, I got lazy but I genuinely miss it. It is good having that burn feeling after. I find running really good for me as it helps get rid of the feelings of frustrations and  inadequacies that I have, that I constantly torment myself with.

running

Fourthly, I want to get bit more experimental in the kitchen with trying different recipes. I am not good with trying new as it scares me. I start of with best intentions, having ideas etc but when it comes down to the crunch I  procrastinate hardcore. I think it is the fear that is holding me back. However, one way to help reduce that fear and anxiety is choosing recipes that are simple. I seem to go to the extremes and forgot to do something new that is best to always start with baby steps, until you grow with confidence.

cooking

Finally, probably one of my favourite goals is to get a little bit experimental with the camera. It is easy to be lazy and click and shot. But I have some knowledge that I can use, therefore experiment and grow. It is easier said then done but one can only try.

camera

 Cheers for reading X

Dear Bear and Beany


 

The Tale of Mummyhood

Twin Mummy and Daddy

Pumpkin time 🎃 

Hey readers,

One of my Autumn Bucket List was to visit a pumpkin farm to pick our own pumpkin. This week we finally got to tick the task of the list as we are fast approaching the end of October. We have been to our local farm last year and my boys loved going around and seeing the spooky decorations which a lovely diverse range of stuff.

A particularly  favourite moment at the pumpkin farm was to go in the dark room and see seeing my boys glow in the dark outfit light up.

I love the fact how much my youngest has chilled out more and willing to listen. It is so much easier to enjoy a day out when people are a bit more relaxed.

The boys had a blast and they even got to chose a cute little pumpkin of there own.

We picked a corker of a big pumpkin and it is going to be so cool at a later date to carve the big guy.

This year we also have a table whereby we can put the pumpkin in the centre of the table one night when we have a meal. It just the littlest things that keep your spirits high on the lower and difficult days.

 

big punpkin!

So many pumpkins to chose from!

So many interesting shapes, sizes and colour pumpkins you can get. Something you will never find in your local supermarket.

One of the fun things to do at the pumkin farm is to have a ride around the pull along cart. This is the life for two children!

Yep they are never going perform on the spot are they?! One day mummy my learn but still we have a cool backdrop for a photo!

Finally the piece de resistance s getting a green pumpkin as we were advised was the best one to make pumpkin tart, yummilicious!

Cheers for reading X

Dear Bear and Beany