Today has been hard. Well not the whole day but in the morning where for the first time I took my eldest swimming. My husband and youngest were also there. I struggle with social anxiety, autism and a fear of drains.
The first half was ok as it was just me and my eldest. The swimming pool swimming features weren’t switched on so, therefore, a lot, lot quieter, phew! My hubby was with my youngest in a different area as my youngest was having a swimming lesson.
However, the moment when the features got turned on and the crowds appear I am shaking. Then the youngest and husband come into the pool. If that isn’t hard enough my eldest has a friend who I didn’t expect to be there so that is another stress.
Before too long I was struggling, had a panic and all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole.
I didn’t manage the whole time arranged as I just couldn’t cope. The husband recognised that it was too much so suggested leaving early. Now I have the rotten mother guilt to boot.
I feel rubbish, and I am literally shattered. It does not help that I spend most of yesterday feeling really anxious. All adds up – my mind and body are aching. Luckily hubby looks after the children when I sleep for a couple of hours. When lying down and sleep I just felt all the physical pain.
I hate anxiety!
Cheers for reading X
Today has been tough, as I write this it is the evening of Christmas Day, my son has had a three hour meltdown, including an unexpected visitor at the door causing further distress.
Both me and my eldest have autism and are greatly affected by change and over stimulated environments. As lovely as Christmas can be to celebrate a time when families get together, it can be very difficult for an autistic person because it is out of sync to their routine. Not to mention the stress of new stimuli in the environment even though I and my son enjoy presents it can still contribute to anxiety.
The whole idea of a day where it is completely different from normal, unpredictable and long can take its toll. This normally exhibits itself in a meltdown due to struggling with how to deal with emotions.
The bright lights, the busy chaoticness of the day, the length of time together are all influences that can trigger an autistic person. It is hard even as an adult after experiencing Christmas several times in my lifetime I still struggle. I think the not really knowing what I am meant to do is tough.
This year I seem to feel more sad because I witness the autistic behaviour in my eldest more. I can feel his pain and I know this is so illogical and silly but truth be told part of me hates myself for being the risker of passing down the genes on to my son. No one really likes to see their child in pain, you want them to be happy and thrive. I don’t care if I get slated by the autistic community if I could take that pain from my son away I would in an instinct. Yes there are some super qualities but I would choose happiness over stress any day of the week. I want the best for my son, I don’t want him struggling, however the autism will always be a barrier and it is something we will have to manage. That doesn’t stop me from being sad. I love my son unconditionally with autism but if I could I would get rid of it. He is struggling in a neurotypical world, I can see pain now and that it is the hardest bit, seeing my poor boy struggle, I just want to protect him and see him happy. That is all.
Cheers for reading X
I thought I would share some things that impares me because of having aspergers.
I hate vangsness with answers. I like black and white. when people give me ambiguous answers I get worried and unsure as to do socially.
I can read facial expressions to a certain degree. what I am saying is that I can do the overly obvious but misleading ones I really haven’t the foggiest. I am not too keen on abstract ideas and clear, precise information. Although, ironically I am partial to a bit of abstract art.
Tied to the above point I am continuous misinterpreting voices. particularly when it comes to pitch and I be honest at times hubby’s tone really hurts my ears. I literally shout at him or I break down in tears over nothing much, for example do you want a coffee?
I am the not the best touchy feely person. I could go without physical contact for long periods of time. As a parent at times I have to force affection. This does not mean I don’t love my child, I do love them to the moon back, I would die for them. The problem lies with the sensory aspect that interfere with the bond.
I can not handle long periods of time in peoples company. However, saying that over the years I have grown to tolerate more of people. One of the biggest challenges as a parent is dinner time and at times I have to hand over the reins to my husband as I need a break and rest. The bickering between my two boys gets so loud that it is hard for me. I hope as the boys get older I can manage it more.
Sometimes, I may appear young in my behaviour and the way I interact. I can get excited, I tic and get repetitive with words and sway for comfort. In one sense that is why I get on with my children because of my youthful behaviour, the kind of behaviour I display is laughing in unapproachable situations. The urge to respond to the situation is so high that I therefore to aid the impulse have to dig nails into my skin or bite hard my tongue until the urge goes away. In some cases results in cuts and pains in my mouth because I can’t always feel pain at the times which really doesn’t help the situation.
Another problem I have is not always choosing the right clothing for the weather conditions. So, when it is really hot I have been know to wear long sleeves, black. Alternatively, when it is cold I forget my coat or wear saddles. Which is not very practical for me. This is also a problem with being an autistic parent in choosing the right clothing for my sons. My husband has to guide me even after five years I make mistakes.
Cheers for reading X
My feet hurt today as a result of over using them yesterday. I know so what?! Here is the think why I am talking about my feet is the fact I am autistic you see and my feet posture is not very good. I have always had problems with standing and the way I coordinate my feet.
I am so clumsy as well when I walk, I am guaranteed to trip up even if there is nothing there. The amount of bashing my toes into stuff and cursing under my breathe is unreal. My husband affectionately finds it funny.
I also shuffle my feet, especially when I am stressed. I am constantly getting told stop shuffling your feet like I am some kind of child.
You don’t realise how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other. It can be really challenging. I never really thought about my physical problems when I was younger and now as an autistic adult I am still learning.
It is my arms I struggle with – not really knowing what to do with them when I walk, I find them painful and just frustrating. It is like I have to train my mind to swing my arms when I walk. It is so difficult as I am rubbish at doing two tasks at the same time.
One of the major problems that I struggle with as an autistic person is using my spacial awareness skills and navigating around objects and people. I am not good at forward planning especially in a busy place where I am over stimulated with the sensory information. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I need to sit down and take a moment to take a break because of how mentally exhausting it is.
If I don’t think about my walking and focus on it, I really struggle with bumping into things or trip up.
We as a human are meant to learn this skill at an early age and it to be developed. Therefore not having to think about it as it is a long term in implicit memory. It is wired in the brain so you don’t have to think about it, it is second nature. Being an autistic person we miss out on this opportunity and I do wonder before language evolved how many humans died due to lack of ‘natural’ skills due to having a different way of thinking.
So, therefore if you do wonder why do us autistic people get SO tired this is a little insight, because we have to constantly work our asses of and remembering all these ‘natural’ rules that people take for granted.
Cheers for reading X