Ongoing minefield of parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I lie in my bed at four in the morning and I am just staring at the ceiling and my tummy is filled with dread. My thoughts are filled with fear and I wonder how I am going to get through another day as a parent.

I don’t feel confident at all and I am always questioning everything. Sometimes, I get annoyed with my husband, how he could allow me to be a parent when I am totally useless. I am always tired and things seem to take a long time to master. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again.

I am now sitting in my son’s assembly hall waiting and feeling yet again that familiar feeling of being a true outcast or black sheep. This feeling is not new to me, it comes frequently where I feel like I am an outsider looking through the glass where I just can’t reach through. It feels so close yet so far away.

There are other times when I get jealous of my husband, he can just get things and communicate really well. I am sitting back permanently struggling and my tummy is in knots with anxiety. He does try to understand my neurosis bless him but he is the complete opposite of me. I watch on as he mingles and just gets these social rules that I seem to get muddled and fail all the time. I just get things, or I am just anxious state of a person. That is one good thing about summer holidays even though I am dealing with the change but not having to think. I over analysis I know but at least it gives me a break where I don’t have to feel completely sh*t again. I know I will never be one of them, good parents that I so desperately want to be, I mess up it is a natural talent of mine. I just get so fed up with it all and after takes its time. It hurts deep and it so damn frustrating. It is a minefield and just getting through the day is a challenge in its self. The thoughts that trigger me are so strong, they keep me awake and let me everytime my downfalls. I just need to a breather, time away and not to think that would be totally blissful.

I remember when I was pregnant dreaming of being this type of parent that would swim into motherhood like flies to poo. Sadly, it hasn’t happened, to delusion, I am nothing that I expected. I thought I would be good at communicating because I was living this role as a mother that it would all somehow come to place. That I would have this maternal instinct. The only thing that I am good at it appears to be is hanging up the washing and creating random fun stories for my boy. It is not much, I am never good at small talk but I take it now and I got to learn to accept the situation for what it is.

Cheers for reading my ramblings X

Singing

Hey readers,

my word of the week is:

this is becuase my son has spend a large proportion of his time at school and home practicing for his singing performance at school on Wednesday.

Due to his autism his anxiety was through the roof so we have been finding ways to calm that done. He loves the singing element. Thank goodness for YouTube for where he can listen to the song and practice at home.

In other good news he went to London on a school day tps and loved it. ever since he was he was younger he has been obsessed with London.

DS1 also receded his star of the week for reflectioning and looking back on how much he has improved over the school year.

DS2 had started his swimming lessons this week and it has really helped him with his confidence. He also went to his second induction for his new school which he is super excited when use his nursery friend that he plays with all the time is going to be in the same class.

I have been enjoying the cooler end of the week and to be finally getting to sleep at night after it being so muggy at the start.

Cheers for reading X

Events

Hey readers,

This weeks word of the week is

because there has been so much on. First my eldest had his sports day. Was really pleased that he is learning to not get blogged down with the whole winning but focusing on just enjoying the sports.

My youngest had his first taster session at school this week and he loved it. He loved all the activities and just being in the same school as his big brother. Both boys were happy to find that the youngest is going to be in the same reception class that the eldest when he frist started. Simple pleasures eh when you are young.

In other news my eldest had his school parents review to see how he has been getting on during the summer term. He has been meeting his targets which is good because we were worried. when my ds1 comes howne he frequently says that he gets zero for his spelling at least we know now that not to be the case and he is doing alright. The way his anxiety was really got us worried. So that gave us some reassurance.

Cheers for reading X

Summer

Hey, readers,

my word of the week is:


because it is now officially summer and boy does the weather let us know. This weekend has been busy with clubs and kids parties, my eldest has been super exhausted during the week due to hectic weekend shenanigans.

DS1 also got to see his school artwork on display in a local public venue last night and he was super chuffed that he got his work chosen for it. Not just that but this week at beavers he got his gardening badge, which he loves because the design on it involves a watering can.

DS2 has been enjoying nursery with seeing the dentist giving our information and an exciting visit from the fire engine. He has been so chatty now to everyone so it is lovely to see his confidence grow. He will soon be leaving nursery next month and start school in September with his brother.

Cheers for reading X

You know your a school mum when…

Hey readers,

My eldest is in year one in primary school and I have noticed some things that happen once you become a school mum. Here are some of the signs you are definitely a school mum.

Mornings

are a slapdash affair, trying to remain calm but more frequently than not losing your s**t about the fact, your child can take 30 bloody mins and still not got their shoes on.

Black Round Analog Wall Clock

Letters, Letters, Letters

How many? the never ending forms of dates of book sales to trips and parents evening. It is non-stop and at times a bit overwhelming trying to keep on track of it all.

Homework

 is now something you have to get done and let’s face it on a Sunday night mad dash to get something coherent down.

Close-up of Woman Working

Social Pressure

Knowing that you are losing the walls of protection of your child and social pressure is a big player now and that it is just the start.

Money

Having to keep a check on making sure that you have paid for XYZ. You basically need a diary to keep on top of all the payments and dates that are happening.

Lost Property

Constant arguments of wondering how your son could lose this and that. Bringing home someone else’s jumper or at the end of the term accidentally losing his pumps from three weeks ago and not mentioning it to us, which coincidentally it is now half term holiday so you can’t do naff all about it.

PTA

 is there pestering you every week about this or that just so they can look good amongst all us other parents who are totally below there standards.

Assembly

Having to sit and listen to this and that committee every week it is something, why can’t they just let kids be kids and actually learn to fail instead of constantly trying to see positive in everything.

Free stock photo of wood, school, room, row

School Run

Arguing with your spouse with who is going to collect your child as you know it is mayhem and you can’t stand the small talk waiting for your little child to be returned to you.

Statistics

When teachers can’t be arsed to listen to you and feel totally helpless because all they see is one side of our child and they seem more bothered about attendance.

Cheers for reading X

Break

Hey readers,

my word of the week is:

because it is the last week of term and I am knackered. I always am but have to say I am a wingy cow, haha!

My eldest did me proud, we have always struggled with homework. He protests every time he hates homework. I encouraged him to do a bit and remind him that once it is done that he then has the rest of the night to play.

Well, he did his homework and then decided he wanted to do all of it. I told him he could do it tomorrow but he was having none of it and wanted to complete it there and then.

Another big achievement for him is he made up all the sentences by himself with no prompt. Now, this may seem like nothing but this child struggles with abstract and thinking ideas without prompts. So, when he did do sentences I was pretty proud of him as I know this is a big challenge for him.

hope you have lovely Easter.

Cheers for reading X

End

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

Add heading

because this week my son had the beaver toy to look after all week. Whhich was fun until we had to return him. My eldest doesn’t like to return beaver. so, took a lot of persuasion and discussion about if he did have beaver all the time he would be bored. At least when he gets him again in the future he can be excited because it is different and fun.

I also went to a school meeting at school about ds1. He seems to be doing ok, we need to work on him learning that he can’t win everything. He is not good at losing and gets very angry over it. So, we shall see how that turns out. It is something that is going to take time, like everything else.

Hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X