Those that make the loudest noise get heard!

Hey readers,

Those that make the loudest noise get heard. I know this totally the opposite of a similar saying and agree that you don’t always have to make the biggest noise. However, in some situations, you need to speak out and make that bloody noise to be noticed. This is a lesson that has taken me years to work out. I used to be reserved, even on my blog I worry about what to write and scared that if I am too honest people won’t like it.

depression

 I suffer from mental health conditions (OCD, anxiety, depression, social anxiety) and some of the thoughts that I have scared people. Living with mental illness is a very dark place to be and them thoughts that are taboo, I have to live with every single day. The kind of thoughts I have is thinking about not being here, the world be better off without me, I can’t cope anymore I just want to die. I dread getting up and having to get through another day. This is real life for me, it’s not pretty, it’s tough and I don’t chose to feel this crap if I could wave a magic wand I would be there like a shoot. I want to be More open and raw on my blog because that is what I like to read from others. I am not looking for solutions or sympathy, it is just my little place to express myself. Sometimes, just writing it down can be so cathartic and really beneficial, instead of bottling it in.

calm

I need to stop feeling so ashamed or worry I talk about anxiety or depression a lot. because you know what it is there in my life a lot. It is part of me so naturally is one my biggest influences on the content I make. One major thing I worry about is being open about my mental health on my blog and then maybe at a later date not getting a job because of it.

I think this conservative sort of keeping quiet and carry on mentality stems from childhood and the way I was brought. My earlier years I was brought a Roman Catholic which is pretty hardcore.

calm 2

So, I am slowly changing my thought processes and the way I communicate. It may not be to everyone’s cup of tea but someone may stumble across it appreciate that they do have similar feelings they are not alone. Mental health is very isolating and gets bad press because you know I have come across people that think I am being a drama queen, but accepting that is OK. The more we talk about mental illness the better chance of breaking down the stigma. I believe that mental health should be treated equally the same as physical health.

Cheers for reading X

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My moment 

Is my moment now?

Does all the other stuff matter?

What counts towards my path?

No one can tell me,

The door is open for me

To decide where I walk.

Outsider

Hey readers,

Sometimes, I struggle to accept that I will always be the outsider on the outskirts looking in. At times it feels really lonely, like I am some kind of alien that does not really fit in anywhere or with anyone.

Even in my own home when I mess up, I feel isolated. It hurts to know that I will always mess up because I don’t have the skills. Whether at home not getting my words right, or in a shop and knocking things over because I am clumsy and have poor co-ordination. There is not a week where I don’r I feel total acceptance with myself and who I am.

Maybe, it is because when I was younger being autistic I was not allowed to express my difficulties and therefore not heard. I felt I could not be open, therefore bottled it all up and masked this person that was not me but thrust upon by others to be that way.

It is horrible when you are left to feeling a fraught. I don’t want anyone to like me but it would of been nice if someone did not judge me and just listen without criticism. Sometimes, all you need is someone to sit and listen without casting judgement. It may only be a small gesture but it makes all the difference to be open and free to express myself.

There are times when my husband gets so frustrated, he wants answers and I can’t always provide or know what I am ‘meant to say. I don’t have the words that I can express myself clearly like he can. It is such a struggle to live in an NT world where you are meant to know your mind and as I am an adult now even more so.

At times I am a child, I am not going to lie about that fact, I  need simple things like quite time and a blanket to help get me through the  rough ride of life.

There are times feel like I just want to shutdown and stop the noise going on in my head.  But being a parent it just feels like I am constantly on a conveyor belt wanting to get off.  I am continuously having to adapt and change because my children are developing over a fast period of time.

In childhood it is made up of different stages, each time I have to learn something, I then have to go on and alter the way I am as an autistic parent to suit that situation .

This comes with mighty dips in mood because it is new and therefore it is all learnt and manually wired into to my brain, as nothing is natural for an autistic parent.

It is so hard to deal with the changes that come with raising a child. I am not sad emotionally like some mothers when seeing there child grown up

 'oh my I am so heartbroken my baby is a toddler now'

but dealing with the mechanical side. For instance, making sure I speak a certain way that is suitable for the child’s age at that time or another example is learning to find the balance of supporting and allowing the child to be independent. As we all no with autism greyness is somewhat a struggle.

So, you see being an outsider is constant whether it be learning new information, communicating or working on personal relationships. It is non-stop work mentally for me and maybe that is why I get warn out so fast.

Cheers for reading

Bag of nerves 

Here we go again,

Shaking like a leaf,

My bag I’d full of anxiety,

Too distressed for all this,

I’m so tense,

I fear I may snap,

I can’t stay still,

I’m on the move,

I’m so scared,

Nothing is worse,

Then this battle within.

I feel flustered and jittery,

The shakes won’t go,

Till I wear me down 

So much so,

The exhaustion 

Acts as a buffer,

Till it starts all over again,

My neurotic mind 

Reaches new levels,

I  am afraid of the future 

Wondering when

It will stop. 

Prose for Thought