My moment 

Is my moment now?

Does all the other stuff matter?

What counts towards my path?

No one can tell me,

The door is open for me

To decide where I walk.

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Outsider

Hey readers,

Sometimes, I struggle to accept that I will always be the outsider on the outskirts looking in. At times it feels really lonely, like I am some kind of alien that does not really fit in anywhere or with anyone.

Even in my own home when I mess up, I feel isolated. It hurts to know that I will always mess up because I don’t have the skills. Whether at home not getting my words right, or in a shop and knocking things over because I am clumsy and have poor co-ordination. There is not a week where I don’r I feel total acceptance with myself and who I am.

Maybe, it is because when I was younger being autistic I was not allowed to express my difficulties and therefore not heard. I felt I could not be open, therefore bottled it all up and masked this person that was not me but thrust upon by others to be that way.

It is horrible when you are left to feeling a fraught. I don’t want anyone to like me but it would of been nice if someone did not judge me and just listen without criticism. Sometimes, all you need is someone to sit and listen without casting judgement. It may only be a small gesture but it makes all the difference to be open and free to express myself.

There are times when my husband gets so frustrated, he wants answers and I can’t always provide or know what I am ‘meant to say. I don’t have the words that I can express myself clearly like he can. It is such a struggle to live in an NT world where you are meant to know your mind and as I am an adult now even more so.

At times I am a child, I am not going to lie about that fact, I  need simple things like quite time and a blanket to help get me through the  rough ride of life.

There are times feel like I just want to shutdown and stop the noise going on in my head.  But being a parent it just feels like I am constantly on a conveyor belt wanting to get off.  I am continuously having to adapt and change because my children are developing over a fast period of time.

In childhood it is made up of different stages, each time I have to learn something, I then have to go on and alter the way I am as an autistic parent to suit that situation .

This comes with mighty dips in mood because it is new and therefore it is all learnt and manually wired into to my brain, as nothing is natural for an autistic parent.

It is so hard to deal with the changes that come with raising a child. I am not sad emotionally like some mothers when seeing there child grown up

 'oh my I am so heartbroken my baby is a toddler now'

but dealing with the mechanical side. For instance, making sure I speak a certain way that is suitable for the child’s age at that time or another example is learning to find the balance of supporting and allowing the child to be independent. As we all no with autism greyness is somewhat a struggle.

So, you see being an outsider is constant whether it be learning new information, communicating or working on personal relationships. It is non-stop work mentally for me and maybe that is why I get warn out so fast.

Cheers for reading

Bag of nerves 

Here we go again,

Shaking like a leaf,

My bag I’d full of anxiety,

Too distressed for all this,

I’m so tense,

I fear I may snap,

I can’t stay still,

I’m on the move,

I’m so scared,

Nothing is worse,

Then this battle within.

I feel flustered and jittery,

The shakes won’t go,

Till I wear me down 

So much so,

The exhaustion 

Acts as a buffer,

Till it starts all over again,

My neurotic mind 

Reaches new levels,

I  am afraid of the future 

Wondering when

It will stop. 

Prose for Thought

Peeved off 

Hey readers,
Do you ever get days that piss you off. Seriously today is one of them. Whatever I look at makes me miffed. I think it because I an due on and I am slowly transforming into psycho bitch,I kid you not! That is what hubby calls me when the painters and decorators come and visit. So here is my list of things that have really irritated the hell out of me today. Be warned I have fire coming out of my mouth.

1) Left over balloons that pop randomly that make you jump out of your skin and really hurt my ears.

2) NT’s not understanding how change and swapping plans makes me a nervous wreck. One minute I have a plan and then you go along and wreck that by changing it to something completely different. I struggle with flexible thinking but you just say I am treating you bad and it doesn’t matter if I have Asperger as it is all bullshit and I am just being childish. Yep misunderstood or what and let’s face it autism can be displayed in childlike behaviour that is just the nature of the beast!

3) Having long periods of time spend with a person that you are warn out.I love the people put focusing on the social interaction is so hard not to mention the tedious social chit chat. It is also really challenging for me to have to think on my feet and try to comment on the moment. Sometimes my mind just goes blank not because I am bored but it is a real struggle to deal with what is happening and trying to work it all out. It sucks all my energy and sooner or later I will snap as I don’t have any respite till late and if I dare try to go for a break I am viewed as being anti-social and being a misery guts for isolating myself from the situation.

4) Your tone of voice is hurting my ears. To me you hate me and I just want to vanish and hide away. You think I am being mellow dramatic but something deep inside me wants to scream or breakdown in tears.

5) Having to adapt and deal with others gaining control is hard for me as I like control. Having control is comforting and soothing for me . I like to know what is happening and knowing the answers to be then taken off me I feel lost and anxious. It can trigger meltdowns or me wanting to self harm as I hate the situation where I have no control and meant to just go along with it. I can’t participate a little bit as I struggle with the the greyness. I am an all or nothing type of person as I can’t manage the balance where to do what if I am sharing a role. At least with having all the control I can take action and get involved. Alternatively, I can chill out to a certain extend when loss the power giving it to someone else to have that responsibility. But then I ultimately don’t know what the hell is happening causing me to get anxious. I can’t win because I am rubbish at balancing and getting the formation right. So I go back to me being yet another failure in my eyes.

Cheers for reading X

Sons, Sand & Sauvignon
Pink Pear Bear
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