I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.
So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.
- Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
- such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
- My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
- My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
- A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.
The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.
Cheers for reading X
Today I wondered into town on a hot Saturday. The atmosphere was busy, people everywhere. Both things I am not very good at.
I appreciate that this is standard, I aimed to go to the supermarket to do shopping. I got half way there and had a funny turn. Don’t worry it is my anxiety based symptom. I have social anxiety and today it reminded me that it was there. I am not invisible, maybe a naive thinking I am better then I actually am when in reality some days are tough.
I think sometimes I forget that being in recovery from mental health problems is a rocky road and it is not simply just black and white. It takes as long as it takes, some days are better then others. It may take years to recovery or it might be something I have to live with and manage. I think as a person dealing with social anxiety it is really quite hard to remember that life isn’t linear and it is quite messy.
It is so easy for me to put pressure on to get get to the end but sometimes you have to just accept the fact that you are not ok and you know what that is ok. I also feel when you discuss mental health with others who may not have experienced it or have a different experience to yourself their ‘helpful’ advice is really not that. They put their frustrations on you and there is so much pressure to ‘pull yourself together’.
These expectations that you should instantly find a magic cure especially when you have a label as such you sense that patience runs so thin. People don’t see mental health like physical, ok mental health awareness has improved but not the acceptance. People thing by changing your attitude it will instantly get rid it doesn’t work like that. It is something that you have to constantly work at it and you can be so hard on yourself. You forget that it is your journey and some days are just rough. It is ok to say you know what today is a shit day, sometime we have them. I am going to say quite controversially that sometimes it can be good to have a bad day because it gives you change to reflect and appreciate the good stuff.
Cheers for reading X
I feel stuck,
Two different entwrteries.
Feel so lonely,
In such a busy world,
My mind working over time,
Dealing my every move.
Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.
This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.
Then my brain reminds me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.
The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being stuck in a situation that I have no control over.
Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.
But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.
Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.
You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.
Cheers for reading X
Right now you are sad,
But beleive me it will pass,
Just keep the faith strong.