In the evening light

Hey readers,

I am sat here all alone with no noise bar me typing away on the laptop. I like this time as it is my time, quite with no need to think or understand silly little rules.

evening

 It is time to wind down and relax before I panic again how am I going to get through the next day.

One thing for sure is that I have made it through the day and nothing particular bad has happened.

Both my boys are happy snoring their little heads off without any worry so I take that as a good day.

neutral 1

My body feels relaxed as I am watching the sunset and the colour of the sky brightens my eyes.I feel safe without any threat, which I am forever grateful.

There have been times when I have been really scared with the unknown, decisions that were out of control. Lies and deceit form people who were meant to be honest.

But all that does not matter now as we have moved on, like the earth continuing to spin on regardless of what life throws at us.

evening 1

I suppose my favourite thing about the evening is getting the opportunity to slip into bed where it is warm and safe. Knowing that I may not have everything but what I do have is love from my husband and children. You can get so bogged down and confused with all the messages everywhere that you can forget what is in front of you. I am no means perfect for starters

 I am autistic but am grateful right now and feel blessed for what I do have. I have been know to moan and even cry myself to sleep with feelings of self dealt, confusion and hurt with life.

 Some days I feel absolutely terrified to get up in the morning, I put so much thought into the detail that you forget the basics of putting one foot in front of the next.

 Today is a different story, I take how feel and own it. I am learning more about myself through motherhood and just plodding alone like the rest of us.
Cheers for reading X

JakiJellz
3 Little Buttons
My Random Musings

Things I would like to change

Hey readers,

I love my blog as it is place where I can track my thoughts and a way to express any worries I may have. Some things recently I would like to change to help make me life little easier.

happy

Recently I have been struggling with tiredness. It normally occurs around the end of the week and think that it is just because that it is a knock on effect of all the week has on me. I get tired anyway because of how much energy it takes to deal with my autism difficulties. I think just being kind of and not so demanding on myself. Taking it slower is better for me and my health and that is what I want to achieve. I am a firm believer in taking small steps or else it can be risky to lose motivation if I push myself too hard.

journey

I also want to try to be more experimental in the kitchen and try new recipes to help with getting more confident or at least giving hubby a break from the wonderful cooking he does. However, I do love trying new recipes, even if it is just once a week, it really does help with my confidence and esteem when I achieve good results.

Because of my tiredness and anxiety I dip in motivation to go out and about. I am hoping with my YouTube and the lighter days get more encouragement to go out. The thing is when I am out I feel good but my downfall is getting past the first step.

I know so cliché but someone with an anxiety condition it has to be to try not to worry so much. I panic about my parenting and how good I am. Sometimes, just accepting situation can reduce that great big weight of my shoulders.

reflection

Cheers for reading X

Outsider

Hey readers,

Sometimes, I struggle to accept that I will always be the outsider on the outskirts looking in. At times it feels really lonely, like I am some kind of alien that does not really fit in anywhere or with anyone.

Even in my own home when I mess up, I feel isolated. It hurts to know that I will always mess up because I don’t have the skills. Whether at home not getting my words right, or in a shop and knocking things over because I am clumsy and have poor co-ordination. There is not a week where I don’r I feel total acceptance with myself and who I am.

Maybe, it is because when I was younger being autistic I was not allowed to express my difficulties and therefore not heard. I felt I could not be open, therefore bottled it all up and masked this person that was not me but thrust upon by others to be that way.

It is horrible when you are left to feeling a fraught. I don’t want anyone to like me but it would of been nice if someone did not judge me and just listen without criticism. Sometimes, all you need is someone to sit and listen without casting judgement. It may only be a small gesture but it makes all the difference to be open and free to express myself.

There are times when my husband gets so frustrated, he wants answers and I can’t always provide or know what I am ‘meant to say. I don’t have the words that I can express myself clearly like he can. It is such a struggle to live in an NT world where you are meant to know your mind and as I am an adult now even more so.

At times I am a child, I am not going to lie about that fact, I  need simple things like quite time and a blanket to help get me through the  rough ride of life.

There are times feel like I just want to shutdown and stop the noise going on in my head.  But being a parent it just feels like I am constantly on a conveyor belt wanting to get off.  I am continuously having to adapt and change because my children are developing over a fast period of time.

In childhood it is made up of different stages, each time I have to learn something, I then have to go on and alter the way I am as an autistic parent to suit that situation .

This comes with mighty dips in mood because it is new and therefore it is all learnt and manually wired into to my brain, as nothing is natural for an autistic parent.

It is so hard to deal with the changes that come with raising a child. I am not sad emotionally like some mothers when seeing there child grown up

 'oh my I am so heartbroken my baby is a toddler now'

but dealing with the mechanical side. For instance, making sure I speak a certain way that is suitable for the child’s age at that time or another example is learning to find the balance of supporting and allowing the child to be independent. As we all no with autism greyness is somewhat a struggle.

So, you see being an outsider is constant whether it be learning new information, communicating or working on personal relationships. It is non-stop work mentally for me and maybe that is why I get warn out so fast.

Cheers for reading