In the evening light

Hey readers,

I am sat here all alone with no noise bar me typing away on the laptop. I like this time as it is my time, quite with no need to think or understand silly little rules.

evening

 It is time to wind down and relax before I panic again how am I going to get through the next day.

One thing for sure is that I have made it through the day and nothing particular bad has happened.

Both my boys are happy snoring their little heads off without any worry so I take that as a good day.

neutral 1

My body feels relaxed as I am watching the sunset and the colour of the sky brightens my eyes.I feel safe without any threat, which I am forever grateful.

There have been times when I have been really scared with the unknown, decisions that were out of control. Lies and deceit form people who were meant to be honest.

But all that does not matter now as we have moved on, like the earth continuing to spin on regardless of what life throws at us.

evening 1

I suppose my favourite thing about the evening is getting the opportunity to slip into bed where it is warm and safe. Knowing that I may not have everything but what I do have is love from my husband and children. You can get so bogged down and confused with all the messages everywhere that you can forget what is in front of you. I am no means perfect for starters

 I am autistic but am grateful right now and feel blessed for what I do have. I have been know to moan and even cry myself to sleep with feelings of self dealt, confusion and hurt with life.

 Some days I feel absolutely terrified to get up in the morning, I put so much thought into the detail that you forget the basics of putting one foot in front of the next.

 Today is a different story, I take how feel and own it. I am learning more about myself through motherhood and just plodding alone like the rest of us.
Cheers for reading X

JakiJellz
3 Little Buttons
My Random Musings

Things I would like to change

Hey readers,

I love my blog as it is place where I can track my thoughts and a way to express any worries I may have. Some things recently I would like to change to help make me life little easier.

happy

Recently I have been struggling with tiredness. It normally occurs around the end of the week and think that it is just because that it is a knock on effect of all the week has on me. I get tired anyway because of how much energy it takes to deal with my autism difficulties. I think just being kind of and not so demanding on myself. Taking it slower is better for me and my health and that is what I want to achieve. I am a firm believer in taking small steps or else it can be risky to lose motivation if I push myself too hard.

journey

I also want to try to be more experimental in the kitchen and try new recipes to help with getting more confident or at least giving hubby a break from the wonderful cooking he does. However, I do love trying new recipes, even if it is just once a week, it really does help with my confidence and esteem when I achieve good results.

Because of my tiredness and anxiety I dip in motivation to go out and about. I am hoping with my YouTube and the lighter days get more encouragement to go out. The thing is when I am out I feel good but my downfall is getting past the first step.

I know so cliché but someone with an anxiety condition it has to be to try not to worry so much. I panic about my parenting and how good I am. Sometimes, just accepting situation can reduce that great big weight of my shoulders.

reflection

Cheers for reading X

Outsider

Hey readers,

Sometimes, I struggle to accept that I will always be the outsider on the outskirts looking in. At times it feels really lonely, like I am some kind of alien that does not really fit in anywhere or with anyone.

Even in my own home when I mess up, I feel isolated. It hurts to know that I will always mess up because I don’t have the skills. Whether at home not getting my words right, or in a shop and knocking things over because I am clumsy and have poor co-ordination. There is not a week where I don’r I feel total acceptance with myself and who I am.

Maybe, it is because when I was younger being autistic I was not allowed to express my difficulties and therefore not heard. I felt I could not be open, therefore bottled it all up and masked this person that was not me but thrust upon by others to be that way.

It is horrible when you are left to feeling a fraught. I don’t want anyone to like me but it would of been nice if someone did not judge me and just listen without criticism. Sometimes, all you need is someone to sit and listen without casting judgement. It may only be a small gesture but it makes all the difference to be open and free to express myself.

There are times when my husband gets so frustrated, he wants answers and I can’t always provide or know what I am ‘meant to say. I don’t have the words that I can express myself clearly like he can. It is such a struggle to live in an NT world where you are meant to know your mind and as I am an adult now even more so.

At times I am a child, I am not going to lie about that fact, I  need simple things like quite time and a blanket to help get me through the  rough ride of life.

There are times feel like I just want to shutdown and stop the noise going on in my head.  But being a parent it just feels like I am constantly on a conveyor belt wanting to get off.  I am continuously having to adapt and change because my children are developing over a fast period of time.

In childhood it is made up of different stages, each time I have to learn something, I then have to go on and alter the way I am as an autistic parent to suit that situation .

This comes with mighty dips in mood because it is new and therefore it is all learnt and manually wired into to my brain, as nothing is natural for an autistic parent.

It is so hard to deal with the changes that come with raising a child. I am not sad emotionally like some mothers when seeing there child grown up

 'oh my I am so heartbroken my baby is a toddler now'

but dealing with the mechanical side. For instance, making sure I speak a certain way that is suitable for the child’s age at that time or another example is learning to find the balance of supporting and allowing the child to be independent. As we all no with autism greyness is somewhat a struggle.

So, you see being an outsider is constant whether it be learning new information, communicating or working on personal relationships. It is non-stop work mentally for me and maybe that is why I get warn out so fast.

Cheers for reading

Autistic Blogger!

Hey readers,

I hear this term branded around a lot through the bloggershere called ‘tribe’, to me it feels like we are back in the playground. Maybe because I don’t really connect to people the same way others do because of my autism. It makes me feel maybe a bit isolated or that I am missing out on a better support network.
The big question is, do you need a tribe of people to connect with to empower and motivate you? does it make you more successful? these are the kind of questions I think about. I suppose it depends on what you really want and need from people, I guess. For me the whole tribe business makes me feel like a failure yet again at life, it is another point score if you are in with the right crowd and for me being autistic that will never be. Yes OK if your autistic should you be worried about having such feelings of loss and for me yes it does get to me at times. It would be nice to bounce ideas off with others but the fear of rejection is much stronger. I don’t really have an answer. I think it is really down to my state of mind having an influence when I am engaging in the social media platforms.

Sometimes you get a feeling to be a successful blogger you have to be in some kind of tribe with others. It is a real shame I feel as you not always getting merit for your work but in who you know instead. Fairplay to people that do, because it takes a lot of additional work other then just writing content to making a blog successful. A major factor is engaging in social media as a form of communicating with the audience or attending events that help achieve recognition and achievement statues. Sadly, I don’t feel I will ever truly get to grips connecting on such a level, but that is ok because I do have a disability that limits me. Whether I like it or not, somethings I can improve, somethings I can’t but having the knowledge to accept that is a milestone for me personally.

Sometimes, you get what you put in and for me I can only do so much before I have pushed past my threshold and want to collapse with mental exhaustion.

Until you start a blog and work on social media, you really don’t realise what hard work it is with keep plugging away and reaching out. As they say nothing comes for free.

One major attribute that influences my performance or connecting to people is communication. It is like the backbone of autism. It plays such a huge role on and off line. My brain is overloaded as it is with all the rules I need to remember. I stick to the rules that I can follow and it is not the ‘norm’, it’s controlled and I don’t feel I am being rude but maybe I am being very rigid and not flexible with my thinking but then again that is an effect of my autism interfering it’s ugly head.

It would be wonderful to have someone to connect with but I don’t feel it is important right now but maybe next week I may different about the whole thing. But sadly autism is selfish and it hinders you. It never leaves you or lets you forget that there is a big influence there right in your brain controlling your interpretations on everything that you are exposed to. It really sucks at times but other times it is the fuel that keeps my fire burning inside of me.

OK, I have bitched and have been a moany cow so I am going to focus on a positive here. People aren’t aware of how much I have come along in my improvements in myself. Blogging has given me a voice to express whatever I feel I want to share. When I am having a meltdown it has been a tool to distract me from all the things going one and stops me getting overloaded when I can simply focus on just writing. It has calmed me when I have been so angry I have wanted to explode. It has helped me to understand myself who I am and try to take on board other people’s perspective (which is a real struggle at the best of times). It has taught me on a basic level how to have simple conversations and it further help me develop as a person with autism.
So, what is the point of this ramble, well I am just trying to find away to accept me with my disability. I want others to understand particularly what it is like for female adults with autism.
Who knew blogging would be such a learning journey to think about yourself and where you are in the pecking order even though I don’t really know what I want. I think if I look internally I want to feel accepted from others, though I don’t know whether that will ever happen. Maybe I just feel really lonely and a bit sad today when I see others in the world can just make friends and excel verbally. I seem to fall over at the first hurdle. It is hard as blogging is so social and if you want to grow networking is crucial I feel.

For me personally most of the time I go about my days winging it and trying to keep my head above water whilst others speed pass by me.
That my readers is what my personal take is of an autistic blogger in a social climate in the blog world.

Cheers for reading X

Spectrum Sunday
Run Jump Scrap!

Blogger pressure 

Hey readers,
I love linkies and think that they are a great way to connect. BUT dame they are hard work and yes it is lovely that you do get some comments in return. But over the past few weeks I have struggled and started to hate blogging, I  know gasp.

Firstly, they are so dame time consuming. Ok I have realised I go a bit over the top with how many linkies I do each week and feel now is the time to cut back. I just constantly feel overwhelmed and bogged down by it all. It is bloody hard work to constantly keep on top and feels like I am on a convey about never having the time to stop and breathe. I be honest I have lost sleep over it which is really silly in reflection. This i because for me blogging originally was a void of something I missed that I lost. It was a time of great confusion and hard hitting on me and my family. I lost trust and faith. I needed something to help lift me out of a dark place and found blogging was a great distractor during my dark period. I digress but it did help give me some focus. But like always I am never one to do anything in moderation. I am easily get  sucked in and then got lost and exhausted.

It is my own doing but I get so taken over by trying to please people especially when they remind me on Twitter or email. Then feel really feel guilty if I have not taken part in their linky that week. I know there is nothing personal and standard procedure but to me I can be too dame conscientious and really I need to sort out my battle in my own head.

I need to chill out, stop worrying and re-kinder my love for blogging. It has helped me tremendously and I don’t want to lose that.

The intrusive thoughts spurred on my ocd nature thieves form it and believe me I have some serious dark thoughts that probably no one even thinks about. So ludicrous that I can end up in this pathetic web of  internal lies that is all my own thoughts but so addictive that draws you in when you are most vulnerable.

I have started to be more relaxed, blog when I want, link when I want and if it all gets too much step away and have a break. It is hard to see past the moment of where you are especially when you dealt yourself constantly. I need to learn to just take blogging with a pinch of start and remember to just enjoy the ride and fuck the rest of it.

So yeah this post has helped me think more clearer and write down some of my struggles. I am sure it is part of the process of working out what you want and how to achieve that. Blogging is such a massive learning experience that in the beginning you would never ever imagine. It has really helped give me confidence and a voice. So that is where my next step is going yo lie

I set no goals just having a way of blogging that suits me and my lifestyle. I l have learnt after reading so many different blogs on peoples opinions on  blogging/blogging life/ goals/achievements and what I am coming to the conclusion is there is no is no right or wrong way of blogging but it is what you want out of it. That is beauty of blogging and why it is great as there is so much variety for different people. So the message kids is just enjoy the ride…

Cheers for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks