Sometimes I lie in my bed at four in the morning and I am just staring at the ceiling and my tummy is filled with dread. My thoughts are filled with fear and I wonder how I am going to get through another day as a parent.
I don’t feel confident at all and I am always questioning everything. Sometimes, I get annoyed with my husband, how he could allow me to be a parent when I am totally useless. I am always tired and things seem to take a long time to master. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again.
I am now sitting in my son’s assembly hall waiting and feeling yet again that familiar feeling of being a true outcast or black sheep. This feeling is not new to me, it comes frequently where I feel like I am an outsider looking through the glass where I just can’t reach through. It feels so close yet so far away.
There are other times when I get jealous of my husband, he can just get things and communicate really well. I am sitting back permanently struggling and my tummy is in knots with anxiety. He does try to understand my neurosis bless him but he is the complete opposite of me. I watch on as he mingles and just gets these social rules that I seem to get muddled and fail all the time. I just get things, or I am just anxious state of a person. That is one good thing about summer holidays even though I am dealing with the change but not having to think. I over analysis I know but at least it gives me a break where I don’t have to feel completely sh*t again. I know I will never be one of them, good parents that I so desperately want to be, I mess up it is a natural talent of mine. I just get so fed up with it all and after takes its time. It hurts deep and it so damn frustrating. It is a minefield and just getting through the day is a challenge in its self. The thoughts that trigger me are so strong, they keep me awake and let me everytime my downfalls. I just need to a breather, time away and not to think that would be totally blissful.
I remember when I was pregnant dreaming of being this type of parent that would swim into motherhood like flies to poo. Sadly, it hasn’t happened, to delusion, I am nothing that I expected. I thought I would be good at communicating because I was living this role as a mother that it would all somehow come to place. That I would have this maternal instinct. The only thing that I am good at it appears to be is hanging up the washing and creating random fun stories for my boy. It is not much, I am never good at small talk but I take it now and I got to learn to accept the situation for what it is.
Cheers for reading my ramblings X
don’t reject it,
celebrate the flaws,
because it’s yours.
I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.
So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.
- Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
- such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
- My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
- My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
- A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.
The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.
Cheers for reading X
Do you wake up and feel the dread in the pit of your stomach. You wonder how the heck you are going to get through the day, the hours feel long and you feel like you are battling through. Everywhere you look people look like they have their sh*t together and you are in this dark place. You want to hide and run away but there is this dark cloud that follows you everywhere you go.
There are times when I question everything and consider would it be better I wasn’t here. If I died would my boys have a better life? I wouldn’t but sometimes these thoughts pop up when I doubt myself, everything goes wrong and I am just tired of fighting. I just want to hide for a bit. I wish I could run away from myself but no I am stuck with this bag of rubbish.
I lie in bed and go over everything. I beat myself up with doubt and knock myself down with criticism. I am angry and hate my autism. It makes everything crap or hard work. I don’t feel a natural mother and sometimes truth be told I get angry at my husband for allowing me to have children. Having depression as a parent is tough, I wish I could switch it off. Sometimes the depression lies to me, or my judgments are all wrong. I doubt everything. it is a battle and I wish I could just go out for a walk and it is gone, but mental health is not like that.
Sometimes I am OK and other days I can barely get out of bed. Then if that weren’t bad enough there is another battle with all the dark thoughts of guilt I have and quite frankly it is exhausting. I wish I could switch it all off, my thoughts and feelings and just be free like a bird.
My husband struggles to understand at times how I feel, probably because we don’t always have time to talk. That is why in the past I have found it beneficial to seek counselling and something that may be helpful for both myself and husband understand each other better. Do check this article that explains all about marriage counselling, Regain.us.
Cheers for reading X
My eyes are raw
Going through the emotions,
Change is a big deal,
Something that can’t be gone.