New

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

because it is the new year, shiny and sparkly 2018! Happy new year to all my readers, let’s have a good one or just a week to get over the b***s**t!

I received as a present four tickets for me, hubby and the boys to go to the panatomine. Now, I haven’t been  before for a couple of reasons. 1. it is bloody expensive and 2. the times I thought about it was with my eldest but there was no way in hell he would spend ten minutes sitting down. He would be a nightmare and potentially run around everywhere.

So, this year we went to our local theatre and watched Cinderella (in all honesty I am envious that my mum who got me the tickets opted for herself tickets to see madness. I think she had the better deal of getting to seeing Madness tribute act. Which I am pretty sure both my kids would of enjoyed, lol).

Anyway, the boys still loved it as it was entertaining for them. Here is the thing that annoyed me when viewing the performance,  considering that it appeared that most of the audience was a younger then say 10 they said, ‘smash your face in’ and ‘stupid’ which I am not sure whether it was really appropriate, maybe it is, I don’t know. But for me I felt a bit uncomfortable that one of the actors said it to a six year old, now I have a six year old and lucky it wasn’t him because I  would not of been happy at all. Still, it was an experience and something different especially after the christmas climax.

Cheers for reading X

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Wide awake 

Hey readers,

i t is 4:47pm I have been awake for a good three hours. I have split my medication up so have it during the day as my anxiety is so high with change and Christmas. However, i is totally screwing up my sleep pattern.

I feel sick and emotion. I have just sat here crying and wondering yet again why did someone let me have children. I am not designed for children, I love the idea of them but having them for long periods and trying to deal with my own mental battles is draining.

I am sad because my son has said in a report that he has to go with daddy because mummy can’t cope with me. this breaks my heart. I should tell that now that it is very, very likely my son is autistic himself.

I suppose from this meeting one good thing has come out and that is some actually support for my son. He really struggles with coordination and getting referred to the occupational therapist for help with holding his pencil. The school has also noticed that he struggles with emotions (though we knew already) but he is going to get help with understanding

then guilt comes knocking in the door and I think I have 12 hours with kids and I have to fill orc that time in. I know it is silly but that my thought goes over and over.

It is tiring and I make my situation worse for feeling guilty for being autistic.
I just find it hard at times, I am feeling so sad with trying to stay strong, I just feel I am not good enough and maybe I shouldn’t have children because I am not maternal enough. I can’t be super mum and do all the things most do without it being hard of my eldest has additional needs so add that to the mix it is hard work.

Maybe I am just low because of Christmas and worried about what will happen with my pip assessment. I am just scared of life at the moment as it is all unknown and the panic is just there.

Cheers for reading X

 

Worthless autisitic 

This evening has been tough, it real has been a battle within my own mind. My husband has boxes everywhere,  there is crap everywhere and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t escape as the doors are closed and only I am confined to the living room as it is not safe for my children to go into any of the other rooms.

There are boxes near the front door, I feel suffocated and angry. Today I feel I am not designed to live in this neurotypical world. I am not suited to living with people and there crap, it is everywhere and there is no order.

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My eldest has had major meltdown and screaming matches to add it all into the mix. My ears are ringing. My anxiety is making me shake like a leave. I want to cry but my depression makes me feel so numb. I wish I could just run away, this parenting malarkey is shit. No one cares. I am alone and I just want to switch over. I am struggling with noise, the lightning just all the information. I want my brain to shut down, I want this noise to go away. I want to run away instead I am stuck looking  at these four walls and thinking what have I done to my life.

I hate my autism, I don’t care what you think. Days like today I wish it would go away, instead it is always there. How am I meant to feel good about this? what bit of this is good?  I feel rubbish and worthless piece of crap and it seems everything I touch goes belly up. I can’t read or communicate correctly. I just don’t see the point, I just want darkness or just some quiet. My world is full of noise and want it to stop so I can breathe.

Cheers for reading X

Things that annoy me about my children

Hey readers,

Firstly, I want to confirm that I love my children but sometimes they can be a right pain in the arse and here is why!

They expect you to know the rules of the game that they have made up in there head and if you dare ge tthe rules wrong they go berseck. I mean come on I am not psychic.

They have a knack at saying things at the most inappropriate time in public places super loud. Such as, one time my youngest decided to ask me in the toilets why do you have a hole mummy? Where is your hole mummy? What is that in your pants (sanitary towel for your info).

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You have to watch their mind numbingly rubbish shows that are really bright now a days, in my opinion anyway!

Why are children so loud, particular first thing in the bloody morning. Then there is the  never ending questions, just drop it for the 1000 time, we are doing it because mummy said so, now sod off.

Children are SO needy and constantly demanding, I mean they really could give Mariah Carey a run for her money and that is saying something 😉

The older a child gets they cost and they are aware of it with their own certain desires and specifications, no dubes anymore, *sob*!

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The meltdowns when they are tired are killer, especially when they are in total denial.

They like really like early mornings and they 99.9% of the time get up at the same time of the day, regardless of late nights, dark mornings, nothing will stop the little monkeys from getting up and bouncing on mummy and daddy’s bed, pfft!

When we drive anyway the constantly asking are we there yet. I mean we haven’t even left the car park and it is, ‘are we there yet?’, well what do you bloody well think, fml!

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If there are siblings involved it is constant bickering about what the other person has. It really doesn’t matter what it is, if the the other child has it then they will have a massive hissy fit. For instant there have already been several arguments in my household over the fact that one child has the blue spoon when they have the green, I mean seriously, they do the same job just as well, it is only colour.

Cheers for reading X

 

Education 

Hey readers,

Today I just want to talk about the fact that I am against children doing exams in primary school. I don’t see the point of it to cause that added stress for children. I think it is unhealthy especially when tests start at the age of 7, I mean come on really we need this.

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I think schools focus too much on meeting targets for whose benefit?! Of course the government to try and see if we get children to a certain level. But this is added pressure and stress for children, they spend enough time at school to then have to go home and do more homework.

Can you actually believe now there are SATS for children aged 7, I mean come on let kids be kids. I am not surprised kids get more anxious when they are being judged on their ability. We should let kids play instead of trying to push information down their throat. I believe children learn more through play then sitting there trying to recite facts. Ok, some thrive of this don’t get me wrong but as a whole I think it is wrong to test children at such an early age.

I want my  child to have happy memories of going to primary school instead of thinking I didn’t do so very well with my tests I has to do.

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There is so much more pressure on teachers with how well they are rewarded as a direct outcome of the performance of children doing exams. Teachers are under a lot of stress and I believe that stress not only placed on teachers but also some parents.

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Since my son started school last year there is an assembly each week and each child gets a certificate for attending school, for being the best reader or for this and that. I think it is wrong because there are many other reasons why children aren’t achieving or they are ill and they can come away feeling rubbish they didn’t achieve what the other children did. My son didn’t get a reward for sports day and he was really down. Ok, competitives good but I don’t believe in social pressure to perform to a certain level.

I have however, due to my autism felt the pressure to do certain tasks like read. As there are no clear instructions I tend to try and get my child to read. There are times when he is not in a good place mentally to do this task. This type of pressure isn’t good for the parent (me) or the child (my son). It can also cause friction in the relationship at such a young age.

Cheers for reading X