Silly things my mind has told me

Hey readers,

I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.

So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.

  • Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
  • such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
  • My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
  • My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
  • A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.

The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.

Cheers for reading X

I wish….

Hey readers,

Do you wake up and feel the dread in the pit of your stomach. You wonder how the heck you are going to get through the day, the hours feel long and you feel like you are battling through. Everywhere you look people look like they have their sh*t together and you are in this dark place. You want to hide and run away but there is this dark cloud that follows you everywhere you go.


There are times when I question everything and consider would it be better I wasn’t here. If I died would my boys have a better life? I wouldn’t but sometimes these thoughts pop up when I doubt myself, everything goes wrong and I am just tired of fighting. I just want to hide for a bit. I wish I could run away from myself but no I am stuck with this bag of rubbish.


I lie in bed and go over everything. I beat myself up with doubt and knock myself down with criticism. I am angry and hate my autism. It makes everything crap or hard work. I don’t feel a natural mother and sometimes truth be told I get angry at my husband for allowing me to have children. Having depression as a parent is tough, I wish I could switch it off. Sometimes the depression lies to me, or my judgments are all wrong. I doubt everything. it is a battle and I wish I could just go out for a walk and it is gone, but mental health is not like that.


Sometimes I am OK and other days I can barely get out of bed. Then if that weren’t bad enough there is another battle with all the dark thoughts of guilt I have and quite frankly it is exhausting. I wish I could switch it all off, my thoughts and feelings and just be free like a bird.

Cheers for reading X

Periods after pregnancy

Hey readers,

I am on my period and it sucks physically and mentally. Each month it feels like hell!

Ever since I gave birth something happened to my biology and it impacts my emotional responses when I have a period each month.

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I feel like it is a battle mentally, I am a washed with dread. I am terrified and on edge. I feel like I am literally on eggshells, I break down at the slightest thing. I feel fragile and terrified. My adrenalin is so high and I can’t sleep which doesn’t add to the mix.
I am raging and want someone to give me concrete answers to such grey questions. I feel like I will always be like This and I get so angry because I want to run away from myself but I am stuck with me. I hate it and I get so jealous of the husband who is so carefree and relaxed. I hate anxiety, the way it torments me and makes my thoughts going into a fast racing mode. Why do I have to be like this, every fucking month? I hate it and I feel rubbish. I am non-stop shaking inside and out. I know the mood swings have got worse since I entered motherhood. Every month I am like this, there are times when I wish I could just rip out my womb!


If the emotional side of having a period was enough to deal with there is the pain that comes along with it too and again it is considerably worse. Before my first pregnancy, I would suffer mild cramps that I could manage with some paracetamol. Now, I want to cry from the pain in my stomach. I feel like someone has punched me in the vagina and every time I have a poo it reminds me of being in labour and pushing out a baby. I can’t lift my sons up as my back during the time of the month is so achy and feels like I have spent all day bend over when in reality I have done sod all.

I just needed to rant as I have had these for six years and if sucks being female sometimes.

Cheers for reading X

Problems only bigger boobed women will understand

Hey readers,

I have a confession to make I hate my breasts because I am a size DD and the right pain in the back and not the fact that buying bras is a breast ache and having to get a bloody loan out to pain for them.

Here are my reasons why big boobs suck!

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1) They give you a backache and that kills, especially when you have to carry a child to bed in the evenings.

2) They are harder to the finder and then become more expensive.

3) No way would I suit a bralette, which is a shame as they are so God damn pretty.

3) I can’t run As the boobies bounce everywhere so I may as well kiss goodbye if I want to run after that bus and accept that I am going to be late ūüėČ

4) The prospect of going bra shopping sends you into a sweat and there is nothing worse than trying to find a size that actually fits you in a ‘normal’ shop.

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5) You dream of having the funds for breast reduction.

6) The pain of a button shirt and constantly having a gap there. You can’t go out in public because you are scared your pop open.

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7) What do my toes look like?!

8) You thought it was bad enough until you get pregnant and then they grow some.

9) In the summer you have under breast sweat….joy!

10) I hate having to wear a swimsuit because it never fits right and has a major fear of my boobies pop out in the swimming baths.

11) Can never wear anything backlace.

12) Can’t wear low tops without looking like a s**t.

13) Never sleep on my stomach, I would never get any rest but pain.

14) I can never wear long necklaces because they make me feel self-conscious and worry they may go right in my cleavage.

Cheers for reading X


Hey readers,

Today I just want to talk about the fact that I am against children doing exams in primary school. I don’t see the point of it to cause that added stress for children. I think it is unhealthy especially when tests start at the age of 7, I mean come on really we need this.

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I think schools focus too much on meeting targets for whose benefit?! Of course the government to try and see if we get children to a certain level. But this is added pressure and stress for children, they spend enough time at school to then have to go home and do more homework.

Can you actually believe now there are SATS for children aged 7, I mean come on let kids be kids. I am not surprised kids get more anxious when they are being judged on their ability. We should let kids play instead of trying to push information down their throat. I believe children learn more through play then sitting there trying to recite facts. Ok, some thrive of this don’t get me wrong but as a whole I think it is wrong to test children at such an early age.

I want my  child to have happy memories of going to primary school instead of thinking I didn’t do so very well with my tests I has to do.

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There is so much more pressure on teachers with how well they are rewarded as a direct outcome of the performance of children doing exams. Teachers are under a lot of stress and I believe that stress not only placed on teachers but also some parents.

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Since my son started school last year there is an assembly each week and each child gets a certificate for attending school, for being the best reader or for this and that. I think it is wrong because there are many other reasons why children aren’t achieving or they are ill and they can come away feeling rubbish they didn’t achieve what the other children did. My son didn’t get a reward for sports day and he was really down. Ok, competitives good but I don’t believe in social pressure to perform to a certain level.

I have however, due to my autism felt the pressure to do certain tasks like read. As there are no clear instructions I tend to try and get my child to read. There are times when he is not in a good place mentally to do this task. This type of pressure isn’t good for the parent (me) or the child (my son). It can also cause friction in the relationship at such a young age.

Cheers for reading X

Rant about PTA! 

Hey readers,

When my son started school I came across the PTA (a parenting teaching association) not to be confused my parents to avoid acrumn though very tempting!

Basically, what it means is that willing parents join this group to talk and discuss issues regarding school. They involve teachers and some parents which allows them to have a fairer and less biased view to voice opinions etc.


I have found that there is a lot of favouritism involved with parents of the PTA. The children get more mentions in assembly,  the winners of the raffle tend to be mainly the PTA parents or staff and generally it just feels like a cliché where they have the upper hand.

I kind of get irritated by the fact that they sell ice lollies or biscuits after school. I object to this because I feel that it is forced pressure for the parents to buy things, especially when you can’t get out the gate without your child clocking the stand. Then you have to deal with the constant pestering from your child to buy something. I also find the message of healthy eating that the school try to promote with external services a bit pointless when they sell junk food after school.¬† It does seems pointless trying to encourage healthy eating when you can’t be consist with the stuff you do within school.

I have been so skint before that I just didn’t have the cash to spare and the guilt/embarrassment of saying out loud to your child you do not have the money is just wrong.It makes you feel crap as a parent and causing conflict on the way home when no parent can be arsed to deal that. Nothing is more stressful with dealing with a argumentative child, when you have to deal with trying to get them home tired in the first place. It just means that the child is more grumpier it is double the stress, which is really not needed.

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I hate social pressure and appears that PTA feeds of this.¬† All they seem to do is try and make money in raffles or what not. I just don’t like the idea that money seems to be the main concern. I don’t like that fact that it is represents parents and gives some parents more control and possibly influence over teachers.

I just don’t see the point in PTAs. The goal is to get the fullest co-operation from home to school. I don’t want to know if it means stressing over money and the waste of time of having to do mind numbing boring stuff when I could be at home sat on my fat arse drinking a brew. I suppose it is ok if it is your thing but I just hate the constant pressure. I certainly wouldn’t trust PTA, they appear to have too much time on there hands and tend to make us other parents feel lower then them.¬† This is my experience anyway, could be totally different somewhere else.

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Cheers for reading X

Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs


3 Little Buttons

10 reasons why Facebook sucks 

Hey readers,

I hate Facebook, don’t get me wrong Facebook has a place for instance, I like the selling pages and promoting my blog. However, there are some things on Facebook that really gets on my goat, so let me share them with.

1) the first one involves the selling pages, when you’re scrolling through what people are selling and the price is free and then you go into the description of the item and it says make an offer. To me this is misleading as you think it is one thing and it turns out it is something completely different. I would much prefer it to be free or have a price tag, know where you stand.

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2) Facebook friends that promote pyramid schemes such as Younique beauty products. I don’t want you spam on my timeline with advertisement for this scheme nor do I want your request to buy a ¬£23 mascara, enough said.

3) The need to portray a false perception of life where everything is Rose-tinted and perfect. This can make you feel crap when you’re at home and your life is nowhere near as beautiful as their false perception. I believe that this is not healthy just to constantly see the positive, you got to have the ying with the yang.

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4) When people statues are cryptic with messages about having enough or can’t coping anymore and then when someone asks why they say oh it’s nothing don’t worry about it. reeks of attention seeking behaviour so don’t bother or if you want to talk to someone in private then direct message them.

5) The constant gamers requests, I do not want to help you harvest your field in FarmVille. I will not change my mind even on the 5000th time.

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6) When you get friends request from Rita, Sue and Bob who you haven’t heard from for 20 years, suddenly decide to want to be your friends on Facebook, thank you but no keep your sticky beak out of it.

7) Over the years Facebook has changed. Facebook now appears to focus on commercial ads or sponsored content and it’s just something that’s not appealing to me. If I wanted to shop I would go and hunt for something, I don’t need any recommendations.

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8) Now I know there is Pinterest which is the modern time waster but Facebook still has a place in this role. You can lose valuable time getting lost in random stuff.

9) The fact that Facebook app uses so much RAM and kills your battery and you need another app for Faccebook Messenger.

10) I have questions around how much power Facebook has over data and how they store in that information.

Cheers for reading X