Worthless autisitic 

This evening has been tough, it real has been a battle within my own mind. My husband has boxes everywhere,  there is crap everywhere and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t escape as the doors are closed and only I am confined to the living room as it is not safe for my children to go into any of the other rooms.

There are boxes near the front door, I feel suffocated and angry. Today I feel I am not designed to live in this neurotypical world. I am not suited to living with people and there crap, it is everywhere and there is no order.

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My eldest has had major meltdown and screaming matches to add it all into the mix. My ears are ringing. My anxiety is making me shake like a leave. I want to cry but my depression makes me feel so numb. I wish I could just run away, this parenting malarkey is shit. No one cares. I am alone and I just want to switch over. I am struggling with noise, the lightning just all the information. I want my brain to shut down, I want this noise to go away. I want to run away instead I am stuck looking  at these four walls and thinking what have I done to my life.

I hate my autism, I don’t care what you think. Days like today I wish it would go away, instead it is always there. How am I meant to feel good about this? what bit of this is good?  I feel rubbish and worthless piece of crap and it seems everything I touch goes belly up. I can’t read or communicate correctly. I just don’t see the point, I just want darkness or just some quiet. My world is full of noise and want it to stop so I can breathe.

Cheers for reading X

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Satisfying things to do

Hey readers,

Here is a list of some of the things that I find deeply satisfying to do.

1. Slipping into the bath.

2. First cup of tea for the day.

3. Getting warm clothes out of the tumbler drier and putting them straight on.

4. Getting into bed with clean sheets.

5. Cooking perfect roast potatoes.

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6. Losing yourself in a book.

7. Surprising a  loved one with a gift.

8. popping a spot and all the puss coming out.

9. Pleaing plastic of a brand new phone.

10. shredding paper.

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11. Walking through crunchy leaves.

12. Vacuum packing anything.

13. dipping a soldier into a boiled egg.

14. Licking the spoon after mixing the cake ingredients together.

15. Dipping a biscuit into your tea.

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16. Having a lie in.

17. Drifting off to sleep.

18. People watching.

19 Coming up with a brilliant pun.

20. Catching something on the spot.

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21. Knowing all the words to your favourite song whilst singing along till your little heart’s content.

22. Smelling a familiar smell that brings back happy memories.

23. Reminising on good old times with someone.

24. Laughing until it hurts and your ribs are killing.

25. Peeling off a face mask and feeling completely fresh after.

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26. Having a good old cry.

27. Feeling the  hot sun hit your back.

28. Completing Lego set.

29. Having a clean kitchen floor.

30. Creating content for your blog.

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31. Coming up with ideas.

32. Peeling nail varnish in one go.

33. Painting your nails without smudging them and having no chips for at least a day.

34. Buying something online that fits like a glove.

35. Shaving your legs and the feeling of silky smoothness afterwards.

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36. Putting coloured pens together and in the right order.

37. Completing everything of a to-do-list.

38. The feeling of when you put your christmas tree down and hoovering. The clean and empty feeling is oddly satisfying.

39. Freshly sharpened pencil.

40. Completing a mind map full with colours and pictures.

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41. Having a sneeze after such a long time of waiting.

42. Uploading YouTube video.

43. Seeking stats spike on your blog.

44. Having a brain wave.

45. Building a perfect Jenga tower.

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46. Building a sandcastle at the beach.

47. Organising your draws so that they are all tidy and everything is in it’s place.

48. Popping bubble wrap.

49. Completing a puzzle.

Cheers for reading X

Things that annoy me about my children

Hey readers,

Firstly, I want to confirm that I love my children but sometimes they can be a right pain in the arse and here is why!

They expect you to know the rules of the game that they have made up in there head and if you dare ge tthe rules wrong they go berseck. I mean come on I am not psychic.

They have a knack at saying things at the most inappropriate time in public places super loud. Such as, one time my youngest decided to ask me in the toilets why do you have a hole mummy? Where is your hole mummy? What is that in your pants (sanitary towel for your info).

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You have to watch their mind numbingly rubbish shows that are really bright now a days, in my opinion anyway!

Why are children so loud, particular first thing in the bloody morning. Then there is the  never ending questions, just drop it for the 1000 time, we are doing it because mummy said so, now sod off.

Children are SO needy and constantly demanding, I mean they really could give Mariah Carey a run for her money and that is saying something 😉

The older a child gets they cost and they are aware of it with their own certain desires and specifications, no dubes anymore, *sob*!

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The meltdowns when they are tired are killer, especially when they are in total denial.

They like really like early mornings and they 99.9% of the time get up at the same time of the day, regardless of late nights, dark mornings, nothing will stop the little monkeys from getting up and bouncing on mummy and daddy’s bed, pfft!

When we drive anyway the constantly asking are we there yet. I mean we haven’t even left the car park and it is, ‘are we there yet?’, well what do you bloody well think, fml!

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If there are siblings involved it is constant bickering about what the other person has. It really doesn’t matter what it is, if the the other child has it then they will have a massive hissy fit. For instant there have already been several arguments in my household over the fact that one child has the blue spoon when they have the green, I mean seriously, they do the same job just as well, it is only colour.

Cheers for reading X