You are the artist

Hey readers,

When I think of the term ‘you are the artist’ I envision it as interpretation. I am mostly bad at interpreting quite frankly. That being said there are times when I see that I think outside the box. I don’t follow a linear movement of what is expected of me due to my autism. I can’t read faces but I can follow my intrusion. I feel it is my light that guides me and helps me move forward.

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They do say if you don’t have a strength with your senses then you are enhanced in other ways, I believe that to be true. I am not good at communicating, grammar is not my forte but my words are raw and I feel they have weight to them. I feel I am better with written words, I was mute when I  was younger and used poetry as a form of expression. Some may deem this as an art form and that is my calling. I love words, I find them powerful when writing down, maybe because I can take my time to think about what it is I want to say, maybe because I have so many ideas racing through my head I feel inspired. I am lucky that I have this art form. A few years ago I stopped writing, through a really bad trauma I took a change and started blogging, random stuff but it helped me greatly out a dark depression. It motivated me when I lost all hope when my hurt was so raw, words were my therapy. They gave me the strength to get up and carry on. Therefore I am grateful for having a love relationship with words, it has helped me heal and move on with my life.

 

If you get tired learn to rest, not to quit!

Hey readers,

Sometimes life can be hard right?! Sometimes trying to keep up with the momentum is challenging and you just not getting that buzz to continue. In actual fact, it is damn right hard to keep motivated and it can be quite draining.

Image result for if you get tired learn to rest not to quitIt can be so easy to quit because then you don’t have to deal with it or need to continue thinking of how you can overcome the obstacle that is so challenging. I think back to many a time that I have been in this situation but there is one vital lesson I have learned and that it is ok to have break, you don’t need to quit. The most important thing is to have a rest and not think about the situation.

It can help to have that break as it allows you time to rest and give a chance for creativity to come back to the issue at a later time with a  clearer head.

An example of times where I have struggled to overcome obstacles is when I am faced with having the confidence to keep writing or trying to find something new to write for my blog. This is because I I have found during these periods having a break has been really beneficial. I have also found it effective because I can stop trying to think of ideas, it can hurt my head at times. Sometimes, I have learned that just taking the time to live can give me the inspiration needed to come up with new content for my blog.

So, as you can see having a break can give you a chance to reconnect with that spark of why you wanted to do the thing before you got demotivated. It can help give you back that focus, so the best thing to do if you want to quit is to have a break first and come back later to see if things change.

What do you think? Do breaks help you?

Cheers for reading X

Age is a wonderful thing 

Hey readers,

People knock being old, for fear mainly. However, age happens to everyone. So, let’s celebrate it because it can be wonderful for many reasons and here is why.

With age, you become more confident because you have lived on this planet longer and you know what the crack is. You know most people in front and you learn to not give a s**t in some respects. You change and you learn to grow into a different person, with different needs. With age you slowly don’t give a monkey’s about peer pressure, you can wear what you want, listen to what you want and it doesn’t matter who you know because you can do your own thing.

Now that I have become older I care less about materialistic things that were much more important when I was younger. Not because of money more the fact I put more meaning on to them.

You are wiser with age and have learnt more so you have that experience. Which comes in handy sometimes as we all know knowledge is power.

I think we age certainly with myself I am less likely to judge. I am much more understanding and flexible with my thinking, understanding that people are different.

Let’s celebrate wrinkles as a positive because they indicate that we have lived, experienced and still here to tell the tale. If we stopped worrying so much about looking younger then the messages would slowly stop with trying to get us to buy wrinkle what not because it wouldn’t be working because no one would buy their products.

I like the fact I can get to see my children grow as I get older. I don’t fear it or get sad but happy and feel blessed that they are alive. As so many parents don’t get this opportunity.

What reasons do you have to why ageing is good?

Cheers for reading X

Break

Hey readers,

my word of the week is:

because it is the last week of term and I am knackered. I always am but have to say I am a wingy cow, haha!

My eldest did me proud, we have always struggled with homework. He protests every time he hates homework. I encouraged him to do a bit and remind him that once it is done that he then has the rest of the night to play.

Well, he did his homework and then decided he wanted to do all of it. I told him he could do it tomorrow but he was having none of it and wanted to complete it there and then.

Another big achievement for him is he made up all the sentences by himself with no prompt. Now, this may seem like nothing but this child struggles with abstract and thinking ideas without prompts. So, when he did do sentences I was pretty proud of him as I know this is a big challenge for him.

hope you have lovely Easter.

Cheers for reading X

Silly things my mind has told me

Hey readers,

I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.

So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.

  • Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
  • such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
  • My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
  • My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
  • A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.

The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.

Cheers for reading X

I wish….

Hey readers,

Do you wake up and feel the dread in the pit of your stomach. You wonder how the heck you are going to get through the day, the hours feel long and you feel like you are battling through. Everywhere you look people look like they have their sh*t together and you are in this dark place. You want to hide and run away but there is this dark cloud that follows you everywhere you go.

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There are times when I question everything and consider would it be better I wasn’t here. If I died would my boys have a better life? I wouldn’t but sometimes these thoughts pop up when I doubt myself, everything goes wrong and I am just tired of fighting. I just want to hide for a bit. I wish I could run away from myself but no I am stuck with this bag of rubbish.

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I lie in bed and go over everything. I beat myself up with doubt and knock myself down with criticism. I am angry and hate my autism. It makes everything crap or hard work. I don’t feel a natural mother and sometimes truth be told I get angry at my husband for allowing me to have children. Having depression as a parent is tough, I wish I could switch it off. Sometimes the depression lies to me, or my judgments are all wrong. I doubt everything. it is a battle and I wish I could just go out for a walk and it is gone, but mental health is not like that.

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Sometimes I am OK and other days I can barely get out of bed. Then if that weren’t bad enough there is another battle with all the dark thoughts of guilt I have and quite frankly it is exhausting. I wish I could switch it all off, my thoughts and feelings and just be free like a bird.

My husband struggles to understand at times how I feel, probably because we don’t always have time to talk. That is why in the past I have found it beneficial to seek counselling and something that may be helpful for both myself and husband understand each other better. Do check this article that explains all about marriage counselling, Regain.us.

Cheers for reading X

Periods after pregnancy

Hey readers,

I am on my period and it sucks physically and mentally. Each month it feels like hell!

Ever since I gave birth something happened to my biology and it impacts my emotional responses when I have a period each month.

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I feel like it is a battle mentally, I am a washed with dread. I am terrified and on edge. I feel like I am literally on eggshells, I break down at the slightest thing. I feel fragile and terrified. My adrenalin is so high and I can’t sleep which doesn’t add to the mix.
I am raging and want someone to give me concrete answers to such grey questions. I feel like I will always be like This and I get so angry because I want to run away from myself but I am stuck with me. I hate it and I get so jealous of the husband who is so carefree and relaxed. I hate anxiety, the way it torments me and makes my thoughts going into a fast racing mode. Why do I have to be like this, every fucking month? I hate it and I feel rubbish. I am non-stop shaking inside and out. I know the mood swings have got worse since I entered motherhood. Every month I am like this, there are times when I wish I could just rip out my womb!

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If the emotional side of having a period was enough to deal with there is the pain that comes along with it too and again it is considerably worse. Before my first pregnancy, I would suffer mild cramps that I could manage with some paracetamol. Now, I want to cry from the pain in my stomach. I feel like someone has punched me in the vagina and every time I have a poo it reminds me of being in labour and pushing out a baby. I can’t lift my sons up as my back during the time of the month is so achy and feels like I have spent all day bend over when in reality I have done sod all.

I just needed to rant as I have had these for six years and if sucks being female sometimes.

Cheers for reading X