I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism (though to me it is not mild and it is present every day in my life).
Though there are so many areas to discuss autism today I am going focus on one thing that affects me and causes great distress at the moment. That is the word ‘maybe’, which by the way I hate it and I hate it in relation to a response to a question. It is covered in grey and makes me stressed, especially when it is a response to a question which I want a definite answer (which 90% of the time).
You see as an autistic person I like control, I like to know what is happening. I love routine it comforts me. Sometimes I admit I get too rigid that I get struck and obsessive making my health deteriorate. One of the reasons is because I like black and white, I don’t like the murky waters of the unknown. I never have, I feel it is innate and my body responds instantly. I can remember as a young child-hating change and uncertainty. I had carers who seemed unpredictable which is not great if you have an autistic mind like myself you get very confused as to what is happening. I was on edge not knowing how someone would respond. I had night terrors because of the fear. That is just one example.
Maybe I will, maybe I won’t? but why can’t I have a yes or a no? Often, I didn’t care either way, I was more focused on the answer to be certain. I don’t like guessing games, I like certainty.
I don’t know really what is the point to the point of this post, I just wanted to get it off my chest because right now I am dealing with maybe which quite frankly is most infuriating.
cheers for reading X
Sometimes being a female can be lovely but other times it can totally suck. Let me tell you the things that I hate as a women.
I suppose the most obvious one is periods, which occur typically once a month where your emotions are all over the place and if that is not bad enough, you have blood for five to seven days leaking out of your vagina.
A pain is having to wear bras and dealing with twisted straps, it is so frustrating.
The size of female clothing is ridiculous and varies from one shop to the next. Men have it is so much easier because they have a certain measurement that fits where as different sizes occur in women’s fashion, grrrrrr.
Feeling that if you have too many emotions going on then your not taking serious to the point where people deem you as being a drama queen.
Pressures of being thin and trying to be this perfect ideal is horrible and you feel crap most of the time because I am so fucking fat.
You can’t pee anywhere, you have to find a suitable place to sit. I am so jealous of men that can piss anywhere including a bottle.
This expectation that us females are good at cooking, talking and all the other crappy stereotypes, not round here mate.
The pain of having to frequently shave your legs in the summer if you want to wear a skirt.
If you chose to wear miscara are or eye make up and restraining yourself from rubbing your eyes or else you end up looking like Alice Cooper’s sister.
This idea that females are meant to be good at communicating and that we all love small talk. Well I don’t and I am suitable shit at, not to mention saying things at the wrong time.
Cheers for reading X
You know what my problem is, the fact I compare myself to others. I know stupid, idiotic, moranic though some would argue that is instinctive as a means of survival.
In this modern day though most of us do it and if you are like me you have low self confidence particularly with parenting it is a hard battle to beat. Sometimes, it can help what with the endless supply of crap found with Google other times you are merely your own worst enemy.
Logically how can we compare someone when we are all on our own ‘journey’ and have different paths to lead. We cant! Not to mention the fact that there are so many variables that if they don’t match yours are pretty useless (intelligent,money, weight, support networks etc, etc).
Sometimes the best thing (well for me anyway) is shut down, put down the thoughts or the search on Mumsnet or whatever you do that leads yourself into a deeper pit of self misery. Step away from what you are doing and go find something to distract you, even if it is cleaning. Which I found therputiv and it hrlps me cut away from the chains of the negativity.
I suppose what I am saying is to stop what your doing, don’t search for questions. I am slowly learning to repeat this lovely mantra, “fuck it”. Because relaxation is key and not focus on perfecion. This helps radiates more positivoty then dealting one’s self and ending up a crumbled up mess in a dark room, questioning my sanity. Remembering that no one is perfect and we don’t fit into boxes. What works for one dissent work for the other. A lot of it is also superficial (do it myself on Instagram) and there maybe more then meets the eye.
Cheers for reading X