Sometimes the days
They feel so dull,
I would do anything
To keep my mind going,
To kill of these boredom,
When I am supposed
To be blissfully happy,
I am just unnatural,
To my instincts,
Instead I fantasy,
Of things that bring me joy.
I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.
Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.
Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.
I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit. But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t, I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child
Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!
Cheers for reading X
Today I lost my cool, I have had enough of bickering, the noise, my anxiety and just generaal fucking life. I scream becuase I can’t cope, I don’t know what to say to husband, who trys be the reasoner, who quite frankly pisses me off becuase he is better then I will ever be.
I am useless, all the parent training, all the promises have gone straight out of the windown yet again. I am full of shit.
I can’t communicate anything to anyone, I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. I mean honestly who gives a fuck about mega bricks.
I am angry at the kids, at the husband at me for losing a stupid letter. I misplace everything and can’t get it together. My life has fallen apart at this moment.
I never get anything right, I make empty promises.
I try to be calm next time,
I try to listen next time,
Instead I am full of wasted air.
I try not to let my anxiety get in the way and do stupid activities that are not ideal or convenient because I can’t be rational. I can’t work things out like most people can. I have to do something then and not later. I push, push, push! Story.Of.My.Life.
I lose my shit, get angry have a meltdown and escape to my bedroom leaving everything like a world war there zone and my husband can deal with the aftermath of my force.
I am a useless piece of shit that expects too much from everyone. I have no patience, I am too literal and always fuck up! I constantly question why I had children, am I fit mother and just dealth everything I do. I find it hard to imagine how breeze through parenthood whereas I feel a total mess at each stage of the journey.
This is me.
Thanks for reading X