Why I am pro-child telly!

Hey readers,

For the past five years of being a mother my main obsession has been Television / entertainment. I have been rattled with guilt, paranoia to near destruction of what other people think, mainly because of the pressure of social media but also because I feel my autism is a downfall. Therefore, I need to score points of being ‘ better’ because of my inabilities in other areas.

telly

I would obsess so much that i could not think of anything else, I would not enjoy my time with my child and felt always on edge.

I felt that my child if they watched TV every single condition associated with allowing your child to watch TV they would get.

I would get annoyed at hubby being so relaxed with just turning the telly on and I am always on edge. My whole body aches from anxiety. I worry that I am a failure because I allow my child to watch TV.

But recently I have learnt to accept that you know what TV isn’t that bad. It can be enjoyable, I love good old Mr Bean.

kid tv

TV can have a positive effect it can help with my son’s speech delay, it can educate them or it can simply help my eldest wind down from when he gets in from school.

I have noticed that if I live the TV all day long thew kids get bored, they wonder off. They look for something to do and they happy play together or entertain themselves.

When I dropped the guilt and thought fuck it, as long as they are happy, fed and alive that is all that matters.

kid tv 2

It is not the end of the world, it is so hard for any more especially first time round to know what to do and how to deal with giving the right amount of input.

But hand on my heart I have found the more relaxed I am, the more relaxed everyone else is around me.

Sometimes, you have to accept what the situation is and yes sometimes the 43 inch  babysitter helps because I am struggling or just need a break.

We are all more happy when I adopt this attitude. Plus, my eldest watched very little TV and very likely autistic. my youngest watches a TV, more clear in speech and socialable and not likely autistic. What does that say?!

So, if your reading this, give yourself a break, you are properly doing fine and the more research shows us that more then ever are parents more engaged.

Cheers for reading X

 

3 Little Buttons
JakiJellz
Best of Worst

Contentment 

Sometimes I am knackered,

But then I look at you

Drifting off to sleep,

Knowing you are happy

And content.

The doubts of motherhood

Erode away,

Knowing that I might be

Doing this crucial job

OK and then for moment

I applaude my role

And that deep down

I’m doing OK.

Time

Hey readers,

my word of the week is

TIME.png

What I mean to say about this is lack of time due to the fact that it is half term. As lovely as half term is it leaves me lacking time. I feel like I don’t have enough of it this week and feel a bit tired. It is exhausting work trying to entertain children whilst trying desperately holding on to your sanity.

I attempt to do a fun activity such as playing with Plasticine, nice little relaxing activity for my boys. Don’t be silly, I have never been so God dame frustrated in my life. I have to supervise to make sure everyone has got an equal amount, the same colours and sit in the middle making sure that it does not kick off. I don’t need to say anymore then my patience can run very thin.

This has what most of it has been like, seriously sometimes I question why I bother. Sometimes, it is much to turn telly on and deal with the crippling guilt of being the ‘slummy mummy’.

Roll on Monday where I can breathe and enjoy the silence without thinking that boys are next door planning on taking over the world.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

Days like today!

Hey readers,

I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.

mojo 2

Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come  knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.

mojo

Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.

I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit.  But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t,  I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child

mojo 3

 Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!

Cheers for reading X

Shouty Mummy

Hey readers,

Today I lost my cool, I have had enough of bickering, the noise, my  anxiety and just generaal fucking life. I scream becuase I can’t cope, I don’t know what to say to husband, who trys be the reasoner, who quite frankly pisses me off becuase he is better then I will ever be.

I am useless, all the parent training, all the promises have gone straight out of the windown yet again. I am full of shit.

I can’t communicate anything to anyone, I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. I mean  honestly who gives a fuck about mega bricks.

I am angry at the kids, at the husband at me for losing a stupid letter. I misplace everything and can’t get it together. My life has fallen apart at this moment.

I never get anything right, I make empty promises.

I try to be calm next time,

I try to listen next time,

Instead I am full of wasted air.

I try not to let my anxiety get in the way and do stupid activities that are not ideal or convenient because I  can’t be rational. I can’t work things out like most people can. I have to do something then and not later. I push, push, push! Story.Of.My.Life.

I lose my shit, get angry have a meltdown and escape to my bedroom leaving everything like a world war there zone and my husband can deal with the aftermath of my force.

I am a useless piece of shit that expects too much from everyone. I have no patience, I am too literal and always fuck up! I constantly question why I had children, am I fit mother and just dealth everything I do. I find it hard to imagine how breeze through parenthood whereas I feel a total mess at each stage of the journey.

This is me.
Thanks for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks