Half term tiredness

Hey readers,

Today I slept for so long, it was what I body so needed, time to rest my brain and body.  I feel like I need to have a break every now again and shut down to help me compensate for all the pain and work that I put it through.

tiredness

I think during half term school holiday I am working harder to socialise and be with others for longer periods of time. Don’t get me wrong I adore my children but being autistic it is challenging to spend so long with individuals.

I feel us autistic folk need time to hibernate and re-charge our batteries more than neurotypical people. I think one of the reasons is because I am working that harder to apply social skills that may not necessarily come naturally to me.

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Then there is the emotional side where I beat myself up over my shortfalls to ridiculous amount. One of the reasons because you can’t help but compare yourself to other random people, even though you don’t know through social media.

I always view my autism as a battle, something I have to get up and deal with every single day. On top of that I have to deal with the internal battle of low self-esteem and dealing myself as a parent.

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Most of the time I feel like I am blagging a this whole parenting thing and I put so much energy in to trying to function like everyone else  that I burn myself out, hence the breaks and shutdown.

So, that is one of the many struggles I have as an autistic parent, it is never easy but I am thankful for my blog. It is true what they say that writing things down may not cure my situation but it is a place to clear my mind of the many thoughts that are buzzing around in my head.

Cheers for reading X

Why are kids….

Hey readers,

Kids are still a mystery even after five years into motherhood this still have that ability to amaze me.

Why do kids produce so much snot, it just constantly streaming and if you think that is bad they wipe it on their sleeve and smear it all over their face or if you are really luckily they may share it with you, ewww!

Why do kids have a issue with sitting on their bottoms and constantly have ants in their pants.

jump-child

Why are kids more of a hinderance then a help with housework

child-housework

Why do kids always have sticky fingers.

sticky-hands

Why do kids always find talking about pooing, farting and their wellies so funny, seriously it is not that funny so please stop now!

Why do kids always have to be a rush with everything.Even getting  a pint of milk down the local shop, they do a bolt down the isle like it some Olympic sport.

kid-running

Why do kids always bounce on you first thing in the sodding morning when you are like a zombie and then for extra loveliness decide to lick face, why????

Why do kids ALWAYS do the fucking complete opposite of what you wish for, it is like they go out of their way to be an arse to you.

checky

Why do kids lie so blatantly obvious, “mummy I haven’t eaten chocolate” they say whilst looking at you with chocolate smeared all over their chops.

Cheers for reading X

Days like today!

Hey readers,

I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.

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Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come  knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.

mojo

Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.

I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit.  But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t,  I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child

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 Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!

Cheers for reading X

Wet day outings

Hey readers,

When days are wet and you can’t bear another day trapped in the four walls while you slowly go  insane then you must check out my safe list of places to go indoors. They are child friendly, dry and more importantly cheap.

1) Go to the library, read some books, choose some books and let the kids check them out. It is all very exciting and costs nothing.

library

Via Pixabay

2) Your local garden centre is great as it has lots of random tat and they tend to have a coffee shop. Not to mention if your lucky enough fish to see and everyone is happy!

3) Got to love going to IKEA.  Child friendly, free play for 3yo, cheap food and child themed play areas. Both my boys love this place and they can run around causing them to tire them out, #winning.

4) Hit a coffee shop, my boys adore the mini cups as they feel like an adult. I also appreciate the atmosphere as it is a great chilled vibe.

5) McDonalds where you can go get a happy meal and it comes with a toy, what more could child want.  I have wrote a post here why I love this place so much!

mcdonalds

Via Pixabay

6) Get on a bus for a adventure. My boys love a good trip out on a bus.

7) We live near a free (whoop) green conservatory area for the public. It had plenty of green and a pond full of fish. Beautiful settings and makes a change for me and the boys.

8) Faithful museums are free and educational.

museum

Via Pixabay

9) If in dealt go to Pets At Home, it is basically a free zoo.

10) If you want have a sit down in a quite, dark room, go to your local Odean where every morning during holiday time and weekends term time they have tickets for children films for £2.50.

Cheers for reading X

Diary of an imperfect mum

The many facades of a parent

Hey readers,

You never really understand what it is like to be a parent until one day you become a parent. I know cliche but so, so true. When I am thinking about my role as a parent there is so many different roles that make up a parent. There is more then just the practical side of just keeping the child alive and well. So I am going to uncover some of the roles that I do when I am playing the role as parent.

Entertainer: You are chief organiser of keeping little ‘uns entertained through the long hours of the day. You are the one person who a child relies on when they are bored, irritated and got nothing to do. They will come for you and hunt you down until you cleverly thing of something to occupy them even if it is just helping put the washing away.

Cleaner: Yep you clean them, bath them, do all the washing, cleaning, and cooking. Never would I imagine being one of those people that say that there is never enough hours in the day, jeez I am a fully fledged parent now doomed to get pleasure from reaching the end of the washing basket for all the length of two minutes 😉

Counselloryou will be their to comforter your little ones through the great pains of life. You will hold there hand and try to find the words that are suitable. You will try to listen to the irrational ideas and try to think like a five year old which for me is pretty dame hard. But a skill that you develop, some more then others, *ahem*.

Debator: as soon as your little joy learns to talk you will find that you have to learn the skill of saying the right thing and thinking on your feet for them tricky questions like why can’t I be a woman? what is love?  why do people die young? Also you need to have the right amount of information for suitability for the child. I personally find this tricky as you can easy get into a tangle web without even thinking about it.

educator: You are responsible in educating your child, making sure that they know how to use the toilet, learn to speak, communicate, read, write, develop some sort of emotional intelligence. You don’t realise how big this responsability is. It feels like a never ending journey, as soon as you smash one milestone another challenge emerges.

Child, Children, Bake, Cookie Cutter

Negotiator: this is challenging especially if the child does not like the word no. It can be tricky  during the time when they are two but lets face it they don’t like being told what to do at any age. Sometimes you have to meet in the middle where both child and parent are happy. If you have two children you have to teach them that they have to share and they will soon learn the harsh reality that life is a bitch and you can’t always get what you want. Although, sometimes you can and that is good enough.

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Referee: this is aimed at if you have two children or more. All day long I am constantly having to break up arguments, stopping  the rough and tumble that gets out of hand and try d generally to stop World War Three from kicking over both of them wanting the blue sodding plate. Best advice I can give you if you have two children is ALWAYS make sure that if you buy them something make sure that the other child has exactly the same. It doesn’t matter whether it be a sweet or a 99p balloon, they will argue over it and moan about why they haven’t got the same thing as the other child.

Cheers for reading X

Cuddle Fairy

Why, why, why?

Hey readers,

I am sitting here by myself because it is half term and my eldest has been a terror to put it politely. Sometimes I end of the day feeling so frustrated that I just wished to be let free in a room full of China. I am not sure how I am going to cope through the two weeks without the break, I am sure we get through it but at the beginning of the holiday I dread it.

Why is it I try my  bestest to do something with the sprog and then all he does is pushes mine and hubby’s buttons. It fucks me off, I try and it results in fights and mayhem. He encourages the youngest to throw pens and then the youngest gets boisterous and rips the paper. Then pulls of as many Christmas decorations as possible from the Christmas tree on purpose and the eldest thinks the most hilarious thing to do is pull his trousers and pants down, he is laughing his head off and no one is laughing, fml!

Today just feels like my eldest is in a destructive mood and will go out his way to be a pain in the arse. No matter how much time I give him or get things to do, he is having none of it. I don’t know whether he is not getting warn out like the days he is at school where he can get over stimulated. Almost like an uneven balance of stimulation. Right now I am so pissed off with it all. I am pissed of with myself for getting so emotional about such stuff. I know it is a cliche but you do the worst thing and compare yourself to all the perfect parents on the internet. Why can’t my children be so chilled like other people’s children without turning it into a scene and making me feel totally deflated and a crap parent.

I am sat here writing this close to tears with rage. I have come on adult time out if you will because if I don’t then I will literally blow my top off. Seriously, today I am just struggling with parenting and knowing where to reach that balance. It doesn’t matter how many threats or putting on time out, my son is in that ‘mood’ where he is just not playing ball.
This may make me sound an awful parent but that the thoughts that cross my mind is why do I bother with all this stress when I maybe as well not bother. It could so simpler for me to not care, not to be engaging and just stick the TV on 24/7 and be done with it.  At least I wouldn’t have to deal with the challenging behaviour.

All I can say is some days being a parent is shit, I know awful but true. I am not perfect and sometimes dread it and can’t wake till the end of the day when I have break and my brain gets given a change to think about anything.

Cheers for reading X

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