Sometimes the days
They feel so dull,
I would do anything
To keep my mind going,
To kill of these boredom,
When I am supposed
To be blissfully happy,
I am just unnatural,
To my instincts,
Instead I fantasy,
Of things that bring me joy.
Sometimes I feel that on my blog I should not discuss depression as I am so ashamed, because that is what society makes me feel like at times. I have always been embarrassed to say that I take anti-depressants and that in-turn makes me feel weak. But deep down I know that my depression is genetic and chemical reaction, it doesn’t make me a bad person because of it.
Truth be told as a parent with depression there days when I hardly do anything, the only thing I attempt is to the the bear minimum for my children. Once the children have gone to bed it allows me time to cry from all the build up sadness and frustration from the day.
Some days are better then others, but now again I get dips and need that extra hand from my husband. For instance, I struggle to deal with the social side of taking my children to nursery or school. It is not always just the socialising but the physical environment is so hard for me to manage. I literally feel so suffocated and overwhelmed by the sensory stimulation that is happening in the room. I am autistic on top of all this and usually I can find that it interacts with the depression.
Therefore heightened social situations can make me feel rubbish and can contribute towards me beating myself up for not being a good enough at being a parent because I am not like all the parents. It tends to result in me coming home and breaking down. I feel rubbish and tend to just want to sleep in order to escape the reminder of my shortfalls as a parent and person.
Other times, I struggle with dealing with the temperament of my children or talking about topics such as death, as this can trigger my OCD. No one teaches you how to communicate to your child and some days I just have to admit to defeat as it is too tough for me to deal with and hubby would have to take over.
When I am going through a dip in my mood I can spend the whole day dragging myself down, I physically feel on edge and know that after all this there is going to be a massive panic attack. I hide away from my husband, as I am not good at communicating in that moment, I don’t instantly have the words to say. I feel therefore this risks the changes of irritability between me and my husband. I don’t like being touched for a cuddle, I just need the time for me to mope and allow the emotions to pass. I don’t want solutions, I try lots of things but in that moment I just need to be. I don’t run form it anymore, at the end of it I kind of feel better getting it out of my system. It helps me feel calmer and my body feels like it is being heard.
Sometimes, the best thing is to accept it at that moment, don’t find solutions because at the end of the day it is something that you can deal with at a later date when your mind is in a clearer state. I have learnt when you are that emotional, nothing makes sense and I tend to make the wrong decisions so it is better for me to not make any decisions at all during my ‘meltdowns’. I feel now that I have learnt how I react and what is best for me is less painful and it allows me to feel more in control ironically.
Cheers for reading X
all day long Iik wait,
for me to enjoy free time ,
it’s raining, it’s pouring,
the kids are moaning,
So I shut the door and hid
in my big bed,
and let them get on with shouting.
It’s boring, it’s draining,
the kids won’t stop winching,
so I took there chocolate,
whilst they continued banging.
Sometimes, I struggle to accept that I will always be the outsider on the outskirts looking in. At times it feels really lonely, like I am some kind of alien that does not really fit in anywhere or with anyone.
Even in my own home when I mess up, I feel isolated. It hurts to know that I will always mess up because I don’t have the skills. Whether at home not getting my words right, or in a shop and knocking things over because I am clumsy and have poor co-ordination. There is not a week where I don’r I feel total acceptance with myself and who I am.
Maybe, it is because when I was younger being autistic I was not allowed to express my difficulties and therefore not heard. I felt I could not be open, therefore bottled it all up and masked this person that was not me but thrust upon by others to be that way.
It is horrible when you are left to feeling a fraught. I don’t want anyone to like me but it would of been nice if someone did not judge me and just listen without criticism. Sometimes, all you need is someone to sit and listen without casting judgement. It may only be a small gesture but it makes all the difference to be open and free to express myself.
There are times when my husband gets so frustrated, he wants answers and I can’t always provide or know what I am ‘meant to say. I don’t have the words that I can express myself clearly like he can. It is such a struggle to live in an NT world where you are meant to know your mind and as I am an adult now even more so.
At times I am a child, I am not going to lie about that fact, I need simple things like quite time and a blanket to help get me through the rough ride of life.
There are times feel like I just want to shutdown and stop the noise going on in my head. But being a parent it just feels like I am constantly on a conveyor belt wanting to get off. I am continuously having to adapt and change because my children are developing over a fast period of time.
In childhood it is made up of different stages, each time I have to learn something, I then have to go on and alter the way I am as an autistic parent to suit that situation .
This comes with mighty dips in mood because it is new and therefore it is all learnt and manually wired into to my brain, as nothing is natural for an autistic parent.
It is so hard to deal with the changes that come with raising a child. I am not sad emotionally like some mothers when seeing there child grown up
'oh my I am so heartbroken my baby is a toddler now'
but dealing with the mechanical side. For instance, making sure I speak a certain way that is suitable for the child’s age at that time or another example is learning to find the balance of supporting and allowing the child to be independent. As we all no with autism greyness is somewhat a struggle.
So, you see being an outsider is constant whether it be learning new information, communicating or working on personal relationships. It is non-stop work mentally for me and maybe that is why I get warn out so fast.
Cheers for reading
My word of the week is:
Because this week, I do not know why but it has been dominated with appointments; dentist, options, meetings etc…. I am just glad last week I had bit of spare time to do a few scheduled posts because I definitely knew this week would be exhausting.
I think because hubby is recovering from ill health I have done most of the work it is knackering, It doesn’t help that it is a bit gloomy, full of cold and the wetness/cold gets to me. Still at least the children have been energetic as per. So eventually it takes it toll on you. #yawn!
Talking about entertainment I got sucked in and watched Big Brother as there was sod all on TV. I have to say I am not that keen on Angie Best, a bit rude for my liking so boo to her!
Cheers for reading X
This poem is about mummy prison, relentlessness, change and deals by with sick kid and it never stops but sometimes I just want a break before I scream if I have to watch another octonauts. Some days as parenting goes is shit, it is not beautiful and sometimes it is OK to cry as a parent. The struggle is really and constantly battling the way though all this greyness.
Sometimes my soul is dead,
All it wants is something,
I aching to be entertained,
Instead it’s you walls I see again,
Day in day out,
I’m crying to get out.
I feel part of me is lost,
I need to get out,
Before I break into tiny pieces.
Is this meant to be like this,
Because no one tells you nothing,
It is so painful it is devastating,
Sometimes I just need to escape,
Before the walls cave in on me,
All you hear us me shout,
I want to get out.
Cheers for reading X