With or without anxiety

Hey readers,

I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment. One moment I feel like I am doing alright with life and then the next thing bang the darkness appears. I swear at times anxiety hates me, it is on 24-hour alert to catch me, especially when I am most venerable. It hates the fact that I am doing OK and hates to see me managing and getting on with life. My brain needs anxiety I feel, I can’t relax and that is the biggest downfall. As I have experienced anxiety for so long where it is not there I worry about worrying if you know what I mean.

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I have this inability to relax. I like the adrenaline at times, feeling alert and it almost feels like a way to clarify that I am alive and living. I have had anxiety for most of my life that when I am not having anxiety I think it is my problem adapting to change. It feels weird to not have the anxiety around.

I am learning to try and let go, allow that anxiety to come and to try not to shy away from it. it is what it is, fear brings it on and that’s not healthy either. I think being present at the moment with the anxiety is one of my biggest challenges. I can’t believe how hard it is to just be and face the anxiety head-on. I am on alert, my body is tight, my muscles and mind hurt. Every night I have a splitting headache due to fighting this anxiety.
It feels like I am doing a mental workout, it is exhausting but with being anxiety warrior you can’t deny resilience is there. Good or bad resilience it is in me and I keep on fighting when at times I just want to hide under a fort, but sadly I need to get up and go, with or without anxiety.

However, that being said I have spent years trying to get rid of this anxiety. Now, I am trying a new approach where I allow it to come, greet it with open arms. I don’t want to be scared of anxiety anymore. I have autism as well and anxiety is a common trait for a lot of people on the spectrum including me. So, instead of trying to change it, I am going to acknowledge the anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety can be good, it might make me think twice about what I am doing. it may be anxiety cause let’s face it not all anxiety is bad. I think media portray it with negative connotations but you can use to your advantage.

The main line of this anxiety post is that I am trying to learn to live with the anxiety, accept it for what it is. don’t put everything I have one then anxiety and know that it is the only sort of me. it doesn’t define me and that actually in control of my life.

Cheers for reading X

Depression and parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I feel that on my blog I should not discuss depression as I am so ashamed because that is what society makes me feel like at times. I have always been embarrassed to say that I take anti-depressants and that in-turn makes me feel weak. But deep down I know that my depression is a genetic and chemical reaction, it doesn’t make me a bad person because of it.

Truth be told as a parent with depression there are days when I hardly do anything, the only thing I attempt is to the bare minimum for my children. Once the children have gone to bed it allows me time to cry from all the build-up sadness and frustration from the day.

Some days are better than others, but now again I get dips and need that extra hand from my husband. For instance, I struggle to deal with the social side of taking my children to nursery or school. It is not always just the socialising but the physical environment is so hard for me to manage. I literally feel so suffocated and overwhelmed by the sensory stimulation that is happening in the room. I am autistic on top of all this and usually, I can find that it interacts with the depression.

Therefore heightened social situations can make me feel rubbish and can contribute towards me beating myself up for not being a good enough at being a parent because I am not like all the parents. It tends to result in me coming home and breaking down. I feel rubbish and tend to just want to sleep in order to escape the reminder of my shortfalls as a parent and person.

Other times, I struggle with dealing with the temperament of my children or talking about topics such as death, as this can trigger my OCD. No one teaches you how to communicate to your child and some days I just have to admit to defeat as it is too tough for me to deal with and hubby would have to take over.

When I am going through a dip in my mood I can spend the whole day dragging myself down, I physically feel on edge and know that after all this there is going to be a massive panic attack. I hide away from my husband, as I am not good at communicating at that moment, I don’t instantly have the words to say. I feel therefore this risks the changes of irritability between me and my husband. I don’t like being touched for a cuddle, I just need the time for me to mope and allow the emotions to pass. I don’t want solutions, I try lots of things but at that moment I just need to be. I don’t run form it anymore, at the end of it, I kind of feel better out of my system.

It helps me feel calmer and my body feels like it is being heard.

Sometimes, the best thing is to accept it at that moment, don’t find solutions because at the end of the day it is something that you can deal with at a later date when your mind is in a clearer state. I have learned when you are that emotional, nothing makes sense and I tend to make the wrong decisions so it is better for me to not make any decisions at all during my ‘meltdowns’. I feel now that I have learned how I react and what is best for me is less painful and it allows me to feel more in control ironically.

Cheers for reading X

The difference between a therapist and a psychologist

Hey readers,

When thinking of psychological therapy you might assume that the therapist is just one type that does the job. Well actually no, there are different types – therapists and psychologists.

So, let me tell you the difference. A psychologist has studied in the field of psychology (has a PhD in psychology) and that would involve things like behaviour, thoughts, feelings and motivations rather than physical aspects of mental health.

One of the roles of a psychologist is signposting the client to other agencies, whether that be talking therapies, family therapy, art therapy etc.  They are medically trained so they don’t tend to look at things from a medical perspective such as genes and they don’t offer medication that would be a psychiatrist’s job.

Now not everyone will see a psychologist – they do work in GP surgeries and hospitals. However, they are specialist and they tend to be available for more complex conditions or if the person needs more specialist help.

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Alternatively, there is therapist which is a more common option. The therapist does talking therapy and evidence has shown that seeing a therapist has helped a lot of people with different types of mental health conditions. Now with a therapist, they tend to be qualified for a specific type of therapy such as Cognitive behavioural therapy, family therapy, gestalt therapy to name a few. They also tend to know a lot about specific conditions and the symptoms that come with that condition.

The therapist will be qualified and trained in the specific therapy they use. A therapist may not have been to university or through some are a psychologist as well. However, the therapist will have been approved by the UK counsel of the psychotherapy and taken specific qualifications to be a therapist. If you are looking for some more detailed information then do check out this article.

Cheers for reading X

This is a sponsored post, however, all opinions expressed are entirely my own. 

 

The day in the life of a depressive

Hey readers,

Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.

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This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.

Then my brain reminds  me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.

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The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being  stuck  in a situation that I have no  control over.

Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to  be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.

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But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.

Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.

You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.

Cheers for reading X