Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 on the morning.
I am so tearful because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.
I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time. For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.
I feel a bit suffocated as well being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven’t got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.
I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with this thoughts.
I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.
It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. As in real life I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.
So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don’t feel judged and it is a place where I can freely right without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.
Cheers for reading X
I feel lost,
It is not unfamiliar,
It happens from time to time.
I lose my identify,
Not knowing where to go,
No one tells you,
You just make it up,
Because you don’t know
Just waiting for time
Till you know
Which way to walk again.
Sometimes life is rubbish,
There are movements
That take you by surprise,
You need to grab them
Hold them tight
And embrace the beauty of life.
Today I wondered into town on a hot Saturday. The atmosphere was busy, people everywhere. Both things I am not very good at.
I appreciate that this is standard, I aimed to go to the supermarket to do shopping. I got half way there and had a funny turn. Don’t worry it is my anxiety based symptom. I have social anxiety and today it reminded me that it was there. I am not invisible, maybe a naive thinking I am better then I actually am when in reality some days are tough.
I think sometimes I forget that being in recovery from mental health problems is a rocky road and it is not simply just black and white. It takes as long as it takes, some days are better then others. It may take years to recovery or it might be something I have to live with and manage. I think as a person dealing with social anxiety it is really quite hard to remember that life isn’t linear and it is quite messy.
It is so easy for me to put pressure on to get get to the end but sometimes you have to just accept the fact that you are not ok and you know what that is ok. I also feel when you discuss mental health with others who may not have experienced it or have a different experience to yourself their ‘helpful’ advice is really not that. They put their frustrations on you and there is so much pressure to ‘pull yourself together’.
These expectations that you should instantly find a magic cure especially when you have a label as such you sense that patience runs so thin. People don’t see mental health like physical, ok mental health awareness has improved but not the acceptance. People thing by changing your attitude it will instantly get rid it doesn’t work like that. It is something that you have to constantly work at it and you can be so hard on yourself. You forget that it is your journey and some days are just rough. It is ok to say you know what today is a shit day, sometime we have them. I am going to say quite controversially that sometimes it can be good to have a bad day because it gives you change to reflect and appreciate the good stuff.
Cheers for reading X
My word of the week is
because as a person I am anxious and neurotic at the best times, I am autistic and always self conscious about how I communicate whether that be verbal or non-verbal. I have a lot of self-doubt and I am on edge a lot as a parent. But this week when I have had really high levels of anxiety, I have embraced and gone with it. This is something that I am not very good at because it is scary, generally with my anxiety I get a LOT of intrusive thoughts. It has really been really effective, not all the time but a small time. For me that is progress because I am a firm believer in baby steps and anxiety is something I have to live with. But this week I felt quite proud of my work, it takes a lot of courage to change especially when you are not feeling 100%.
So, I am going to take this opportunity to big myself up because no one else will. You know what I can get stuck perfectionist ways so it is good to see the positive.
Cheers for reading X
Why are you staring,
Is it cause I have
A sign saying look at me.
I think you can tell,
I am socially awkward,
I worry far too much
About where to put my hands.
I wish they would stop shaking,
It feels like an eternity,
Waiting for this
Two minute bus.