With or without anxiety

Hey readers,

I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment. One moment I feel like I am doing alright with life and then the next thing bang the darkness appears. I swear at times anxiety hates me, it is on 24-hour alert to catch me, especially when I am most venerable. It hates the fact that I am doing OK and hates to see me managing and getting on with life. My brain needs anxiety I feel, I can’t relax and that is the biggest downfall. As I have experienced anxiety for so long where it is not there I worry about worrying if you know what I mean.

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I have this inability to relax. I like the adrenaline at times, feeling alert and it almost feels like a way to clarify that I am alive and living. I have had anxiety for most of my life that when I am not having anxiety I think it is my problem adapting to change. It feels weird to not have the anxiety around.

I am learning to try and let go, allow that anxiety to come and to try not to shy away from it. it is what it is, fear brings it on and that’s not healthy either. I think being present at the moment with the anxiety is one of my biggest challenges. I can’t believe how hard it is to just be and face the anxiety head-on. I am on alert, my body is tight, my muscles and mind hurt. Every night I have a splitting headache due to fighting this anxiety.
It feels like I am doing a mental workout, it is exhausting but with being anxiety warrior you can’t deny resilience is there. Good or bad resilience it is in me and I keep on fighting when at times I just want to hide under a fort, but sadly I need to get up and go, with or without anxiety.

However, that being said I have spent years trying to get rid of this anxiety. Now, I am trying a new approach where I allow it to come, greet it with open arms. I don’t want to be scared of anxiety anymore. I have autism as well and anxiety is a common trait for a lot of people on the spectrum including me. So, instead of trying to change it, I am going to acknowledge the anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety can be good, it might make me think twice about what I am doing. it may be anxiety cause let’s face it not all anxiety is bad. I think media portray it with negative connotations but you can use to your advantage.

The main line of this anxiety post is that I am trying to learn to live with the anxiety, accept it for what it is. don’t put everything I have one then anxiety and know that it is the only sort of me. it doesn’t define me and that actually in control of my life.

Cheers for reading X

Depression and parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I feel that on my blog I should not discuss depression as I am so ashamed because that is what society makes me feel like at times. I have always been embarrassed to say that I take anti-depressants and that in-turn makes me feel weak. But deep down I know that my depression is a genetic and chemical reaction, it doesn’t make me a bad person because of it.

Truth be told as a parent with depression there are days when I hardly do anything, the only thing I attempt is to the bare minimum for my children. Once the children have gone to bed it allows me time to cry from all the build-up sadness and frustration from the day.

Some days are better than others, but now again I get dips and need that extra hand from my husband. For instance, I struggle to deal with the social side of taking my children to nursery or school. It is not always just the socialising but the physical environment is so hard for me to manage. I literally feel so suffocated and overwhelmed by the sensory stimulation that is happening in the room. I am autistic on top of all this and usually, I can find that it interacts with the depression.

Therefore heightened social situations can make me feel rubbish and can contribute towards me beating myself up for not being a good enough at being a parent because I am not like all the parents. It tends to result in me coming home and breaking down. I feel rubbish and tend to just want to sleep in order to escape the reminder of my shortfalls as a parent and person.

Other times, I struggle with dealing with the temperament of my children or talking about topics such as death, as this can trigger my OCD. No one teaches you how to communicate to your child and some days I just have to admit to defeat as it is too tough for me to deal with and hubby would have to take over.

When I am going through a dip in my mood I can spend the whole day dragging myself down, I physically feel on edge and know that after all this there is going to be a massive panic attack. I hide away from my husband, as I am not good at communicating at that moment, I don’t instantly have the words to say. I feel therefore this risks the changes of irritability between me and my husband. I don’t like being touched for a cuddle, I just need the time for me to mope and allow the emotions to pass. I don’t want solutions, I try lots of things but at that moment I just need to be. I don’t run form it anymore, at the end of it, I kind of feel better out of my system.

It helps me feel calmer and my body feels like it is being heard.

Sometimes, the best thing is to accept it at that moment, don’t find solutions because at the end of the day it is something that you can deal with at a later date when your mind is in a clearer state. I have learned when you are that emotional, nothing makes sense and I tend to make the wrong decisions so it is better for me to not make any decisions at all during my ‘meltdowns’. I feel now that I have learned how I react and what is best for me is less painful and it allows me to feel more in control ironically.

Cheers for reading X

Feed is best

Hey readers,

So you probably heard of the news story today regarding midwives been told to respect the decision by the mother if she decides not to breastfeed her baby.


This is such good news to hear because when I could not breastfeed my baby I was devasted and thought that was it I am officially the world’s sh*test parent. Even though I tried my hardest I just didn’t have the co-ordination due to my spatial awareness difficulties due to being autistic.

I remember going to a breastfeeding group pre baby and the sheer pressure from the group was scary. I felt like if I didn’t do this then I would be such a bad person.

After my eldest was born I tried for two/three days to breastfeed. I was in hospital for the two days due to complications. Every single time I needed help. I could not do it myself. Even after when I returned home I had my husband do it for me. Again it made me feel like a massive failure and it stopped me bonding with my son. I felt so angry with myself and feel that I was not adequate in being a mum.

I think the guilt of not being able to breastfeed was one of the things that triggered postnatal depression sadly.

Luckily, however, I saw a brilliant midwife who told me to just bottle feed, I was baffled but then I thought well actually yeah why not. She told me she bottle fed her children and it made me feel so much better knowing that it was OK to formula feed. Having that support was a big deal. Just knowing it was OK to do so and nothing bad was going to happen helped make me feel relief like I have never felt before.

So to hear the changes is such a positive step forward. I am not knocking breastfeeding but I think it is important to be mindful that not every woman can do it and that is OK. As long as the baby is feed that is much more important.

Cheers for reading X

Ways to find anxiety relief

Hey readers.

If you are a regular you will know that I suffer from anxiety and depression for a number of years. I have explored many ways to help reduce the mental distress that these conditions cause me. I thought I would share some of the successful ways that have helped reduce my anxiety.

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Laugh – such a fun and easy way to make you feel good. I love a good stand up DVD or someone funny that does Youtube really puts me in good spirits.

Have a bath – it can help you relax and soothe your pains away. If you are like me then with my anxiety I tense my body, so much so at the end of the day my muscles are aching. I love a hot bath and something soothing in it to help relax me. It is perfect to help with getting a good night sleep.

Sleep – sometimes life can get too much with all the worry that anxiety brings. I just take myself to bed early, close the curtains and just put some relaxing music on to help make me drift away. I feel so much better in the morning because I have allowed myself switch off and just relax.

Talk to someone – it doesn’t have to be someone you know could be a helpline or talking anonymously to someone on a forum. It is a massive relief just getting things off your chest even if you find no solution.

If in doubt at all go to your doctors and seek professional help. Don’t be ashamed as you are not alone, many people suffer from mental health issues.

Sometimes, I don’t always have the vocal skills to express what is on my mind so a good way that has helped me is to write down is on my mind. I feel that once it is down it stops getting messy in my mind. It is more concrete and lot easier to understand.

A brilliant anxiety technique to do is try deep breathes. At first, it feels funny but the more you practice the more it will feel natural to you. It is brilliant for getting more air into your lungs and using them to your full compacity rather than just doing quick and fast rapid breathing. Breathing more oxygen exchange meaning release of the hormone cortisol which helps with destresses. There are plenty of videos of guided how to videos o it on youtube.

Sometimes we can feel that whatever we are thinking must be true, but reminding ourselves that actually, not all feelings are facts. They can be illogical, biased and deseving. We chose what we want to believe in, there are so many thoughts that we produce but we get stuck on all the negatives one that we let slide the other side of the argument.

Finally, one that I do regularly as I find it so beneficial but it is the most difficult and that is a change of scenery. It can be so easy to just stay indoors when it feels safe,

Cheers for reading X

The difference between a therapist and a psychologist

Hey readers,

When thinking of psychological therapy you might assume that the therapist is just one type that does the job. Well actually no, there are different types – therapists and psychologists.

So, let me tell you the difference. A psychologist has studied in the field of psychology (has a PhD in psychology) and that would involve things like behaviour, thoughts, feelings and motivations rather than physical aspects of mental health.

One of the roles of a psychologist is signposting the client to other agencies, whether that be talking therapies, family therapy, art therapy etc.  They are medically trained so they don’t tend to look at things from a medical perspective such as genes and they don’t offer medication that would be a psychiatrist’s job.

Now not everyone will see a psychologist – they do work in GP surgeries and hospitals. However, they are specialist and they tend to be available for more complex conditions or if the person needs more specialist help.

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Alternatively, there is therapist which is a more common option. The therapist does talking therapy and evidence has shown that seeing a therapist has helped a lot of people with different types of mental health conditions. Now with a therapist, they tend to be qualified for a specific type of therapy such as Cognitive behavioural therapy, family therapy, gestalt therapy to name a few. They also tend to know a lot about specific conditions and the symptoms that come with that condition.

The therapist will be qualified and trained in the specific therapy they use. A therapist may not have been to university or through some are a psychologist as well. However, the therapist will have been approved by the UK counsel of the psychotherapy and taken specific qualifications to be a therapist. If you are looking for some more detailed information then do check out this article.

Cheers for reading X

This is a sponsored post, however, all opinions expressed are entirely my own.