Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoia and anxious. 

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I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don’t do small talk and the things I think about to talk about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

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I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, in this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability makes me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don’t worry I won’t but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ‘ believe’ others think. 

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I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role, because I view success on where I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can’t I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confided in a wheel chair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down. I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judge me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, but it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis less children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

diaryofanimperfectmum

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Dear Bear and Beany

Ways to help you improve your mental health

Hey readers,

I suffer from anxiety/depression and sometimes it is hard to get on with life when you are sucked into the vicious cycle of self hatred. But sometimes doing the smallest of things to make life nicer for yourself can make a huge difference. Here are some ways that I will discuss in this post that have helped me.

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First one is being kind to yourself, easier said then done but sometimes we can be our own worse critic. We beat ourselves up and if anyone in the same situation came to us I bet we wouldn’t speak to them thew way we speak to ourselves. Be kinder and accept that somethings our out of control. We are doing the best or doing what we can in that situation.

I have noticed that life particularly as a parent can feel like a wheel that constantly goes around and around, doing the same thing in and out each day without any change. Sometimes, change is good and what better way to do it then breaking the monotony up of your day. It could be something simple like going for a walk to a coffee shop, can make a huge difference to your day because it is a change of  scenery.

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Another way to make you feel better about yourself is doing some volunteer, as you get the sense that you are valued for your time and services. Not to mention the feeling that you as a person are giving something valuable like your time for the better good will bring a feel good factor. It could potential help built your self confidence in making you more worthwhile doing something positive and taking action.

A really productive way to help with your mental health is when you can ask for  help and don’t feel ashamed as no man is an island. I have always found this one different myself as I have been brought to not ask for help but now and again I do ask and you no what it makes a massive difference. You also shouldn’t feel ashamed but proud for doing something that can make your situation better. Your not weak because of asking but strong for recognising that you need help, no one can do it all by themselves.

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Sometimes, we can get caught up in our thoughts and just sit there ruminating on them causing us to be in a worse mood. I find that taking time out for yourself and doing something that you enjoy is really beneficial. It doesn’t  have to be something grand it could be just going for a walk, taking photos or even colouring but it has the benefits of helping you relax and distract yourself away form the negative thoughts.

This is so cliche but I am going to throw it in as I read a lot recently that blogging is really positive for your mental wellbeing. Firstly, you have platform to write your feelings which can bring real cathartic . Secondly, your helping others who may be similar situations feel less alone and you never you may make friends.

Cheers for reading X