Defeated

Hey readers,

I have depression, however, I can still function fairly well most of the time. This week though I have suffered a knock back which has been hard to even get out of the bed to function. I wanted to hide because I just didn’t have the energy to fight. The only time I got up was for my children otherwise I felt numb and worthless.

Everything feels like a chore, having to find the motivation to continue was so hard it felt like a mental workout. My body aches because it has taken a battering from my mental torture inside my mind. I am frustrated because I fool myself that I am better when all I do is mask and try to continue.

I suppose with uncertainty my anxiety flares up making me hyper-alert to emotions and always on the lookout because I am not in control. I feel powerless and scared. I hate to think about my future because it saddens me.

My anxiety seeps into my dreams and I relive some painful memories. I don’t like it, I smashed all my stuff on my bedside cabinet not realising until I was awake to find the destruction.

People don’t realise how hard work it is. I know to change the record but it is true, you can’t escape your own mind, there is nowhere to run and feel safe. You have to get through it. It is one of the toughest things I have to do, living is hard work when you feel like a pile crap. I am consciously aware of how I feel. It is exhausting because I am battling my inner monologue.

Sometimes I want to give up a bit I don’t because I would never dream of doing that to my children. They are the only things keeping me going at the moment. I know it just an episode where I feel this crap and I know it will pass. it is just getting through this bad storm to see the other side. during this dark time, it is hard to believe that light will appear because it feels like never-ending.

I think one of the triggers is feeling threatened and not been heard. I feel the injustice and the accusation that has been flowing around. It sucks and hurts. Fear that what I need won’t be there and the fight for getting what I deserve is tough going. It wouldn’t have been so bad had it not been the situation encouraging the event to then turn the other way.

It is hard trying to fight and price something when really the person should open their eyes, but of course, money talks and who cares about being honest when really it all boils down to the number game, f*uck the individual.

I just feel so angered by life and just trying to prove my point. I just got to keep reminding myself it will pass and take one day at a time.

Cheers for reading. X

3 Little Buttons

Rollercoaster

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

because my emotions have been very up down. I have felt frustrated with the school regarding my son and feeling like I am fighting a battle. I have been struggling with depression (but won’t depress you with that). I have also had some happy moments because depression is not always a straight line and mental health is very messy.

I was proud of my son this week as he received marvellous reader award from school. He hadn’t needed to be asked to read this week because he has been really loving Roald Dhal Revolting rhymes, he was hooked. I also dug out Dirty Beasts by Roald Dhal this week and he was hooked. He loves the funny dark side of tales, which is a very good choice in my opinion….lol.

Also, this week I and hubby had a checky date night during a school night, haha. We went to see Simon Evans at Loughborough. It was a good night and just h tonic needed for both of us.

Hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

Anxiety

Hey readers,

As a long-term sufferer from anxiety, I have learned a lot on the way from experiencing anxiety. For one thing, anxiety is the pits! At times when feeling anxious, it feels very real especially when your heart is pounding so hard you feel that it may feel out of your body.

close up of girl covering face

Over the years anxiety scared me ironically. I wanted to run away and try to hide from it but if you have ever suffered from anxiety then it will find you and you will be sure made aware of it. If anything running away from the anxiety actually makes it worse in my opinion and the experience I have had of anxiety.

person holding white printer paper

Over the years I have come to one conclusion with anxiety is to accept it for what it is. Ok, it is a regular visitor but it is definitely not a friend because it is not very nice. But accepting it and feeling the feelings is ok, it doesn’t make me a failure, which I believed for a very long time.

Accepting the anxiety and knowing that the anxious thoughts are not always true and sometimes my behaviour is just learned from all the years of fear. It is a warped way of protecting myself. Now I embrace it, I allow it to come. If I have a panic attack or breakdown in tears I let it come. It is ok and actually, it is so much more manageable than before. This mindset has helped. Likewise, with feelings of failure, I know that anxiety is something that may be with me all my life but it doesn’t mean I am weak or I give in. I accept it and work with it the best I can at that time.

grayscale photo of man touching his face

You have to ride with the anxiety like the waves of the sea. Sometimes I experience anxiety and it can be only a day where I am cribbled with intense dread. Other times I go through periods of total exhaustion, tearfulness, panic attacks etc. That is ok. It is ok not to be ok. It is ok not to be superhuman and it is ok to have anxiety. It doesn’t make me less of a person. I am not anxiety, anxiety is part of me but there are many more layers to me.

I am still learning about my mental health, it is not easy especially when you are vulnerable and prone to the negativity it can catch you out, anxiety is a bugger like that.  But I am with wisdom moving on with anxiety, if it is there it is there but I am not going to run away from it or be scared of it anymore. I think this is one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned in life. I am not superhuman but I can feel and appreciate the feelings. They belong to me and I can respond to them any way I chose. It is my life and the anxiety does not control me, I am the controller of anxiety.

Cheers for reading X

Mystery Blogger Award #2

Hey readers,

Today I am going to participate in the mystery blogger award #2 as I was nominated by Hooks and Dragons.

This is a chance to get to know a bit more about me as the blogger. The award though no physical trophy 😉 allows you to get social with other bloggers and share the love as it were.

A stary night background, with Mystery Blogger Award written in blue

The Mystery Blogger Award is an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging; and they do it with so much love and passion.– Okoto Enigma.

The Rules.

Put the award logo/image on your blog.

List the rules.

Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog

Mention the creator of the award.

Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.

Nominate 10 – 20 people.

Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.

Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify)

Share a link to your best post(s)

My 3 Things.

I am an autistic parent (as in the parent with autism).

I have an addiction to Instagram, you can tell by how many photos I take, but that is ok because it has helped with my depression, for the better I may add.

I am in love with Matt Berry’s voice and would love to hear him speak to me every night, haha!

My Top 3 Posts

This is proper hard as there are so many pieces I am proud of, but I am going to give it a go.

 depression and parenting

I am cool with my son wearing a dress

Why I don’t support light it blue for Autism

My Nominees

Raisie Bay

Pickle and Poppet

The Purple Orchid

Curious Rabbit Media

radiant-Anna

Northumberland Mam

Little Hearts Big Love

Relentlessly Purple

Confessions of a New Mummy

Thrifty Mumma Thrifty Bubba

Tracey’s Questions

1) Describe your ideal blogging collaboration, with who and why? Oh my gosh, this is something I have never even thought about……..I would love to collaborate with TU by Sainsbury’s. Why you ask because most of my clothing is TU and to be honest their clothes are amazing, they are soft, comfy and something that I would actually use.

2) If you were God and had to create a brand new animal what would it look like/act like? (this is the funny one). I would create a Tizzle Wizzle, it would be fuzzy, black and white and could take it’s head off and turn it around. haha. It would be batshit crazy and smash things up.

3) Name your top 5 songs? Ok… 1. Always by Bent. 2. She sells sanitary by The Cult. 3.  Close to me by The Cure. 4. Les Nuits by Nightmare on Wax. 5. Midnight in a perfect world by DJ Shadow.

4) What is your favorite and least favorite seasons and why? I think my least favorite season would be Summer because I don’t like being hot and sweaty. My favorite season is a toss-up between autumn and Spring, mild in weather and full of things to see and take photos off.

5) what is your favorite swear word(s)? cunt haha.

Here go my questions. 

1) If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

2) What’s your favorite piece of clothing you own/owned?

3) If you had unlimited funds to build a house that you would live in for the rest of your life, what would the finished house be like?

4) What’s your favorite drink?

5) If you were put into solitary confinement for six months, what would you do to stay sane?

Thank you, Tracey, for nominating me. I can’t wait to see if any other nominees answer and play along.

Cheers for reading X

How to find a psychiatrist online?

Hey readers,

Mental health affects 1 in every 4 people in the UK each year. So it is a big thing and something that is more common then you make think. Therapy is one way of trying to solve or manage your mental health. We may not always have the opportunity to get the right service but you can now with online psychological services. The world is literally your oyster.

photo of head bust print artwork

Did you know you could speak to a psychiatrist online? well in this modern day and age yes you can because not everyone can seek professional help face to face or even want to. That is the beauty with technology is that there are more opportunities to seek help, however, do be careful as always there will be charlatans.

Better Help offers a review service before going to seek the type of therapy that you are after because it is important to get the right help you deserve. The good thing with Betterhelp is that they are legit and have been checked and confirmed to be the real deal. Betterhelp is that it offers a variety of therapy so, therefore, more chance of getting successful help tailed for you and your issues. Getting the help can really be beneficial for you and your life and you are getting more out of life due to the effects of therapy improving your mental health.

The sad thing with waiting for therapy on the NHS is that you have to wait and you might not get the right therapy for you. The convenience of going online and accessing therapy fast will have huge benefits for you as you are taking action and doing some positive in turn making you feel better about yourself.

Seeking help online has benefits of being flexible for seeing a therapist and also more choice in the therapy that is on offer. Unlike traditional therapy where you have to see someone face to face and in your area where you live. There are more avenues with the availability and there is the option of anonymity giving you the sense of feeling that you can be more open if you are not that confident.

If you want to read more about finding an online psychologist you can click here to an article on the subject.

Cheers for reading X

This post is sponsored by Betterhelp. However, all opinions expressed are entirely my own. 

Things to do when you are having a bad day.

Hey readers,

From time to time we all have bad days and that is ok. I have compiled some ways to help you when you are having a bad day. These tips are been successful for may so it is not just empty words.

Breathing exercises.

A way to help destress is to try out the breathing exercises and making sure you use deep breathes and use your lungs properly. Doing this exercises helps slow down you breathing and can be really therapeutic to just stop and focus on your breathing. Youtube is a brilliant source of visual aids to run through the step-to-step guide to do deep breathing.

Meditation.

Meditation is so useful to help calm you down, give you something to think about other than the negative feelings that you hold. It helps distract you and give you something to focus on that can help make you feel calmer and relaxed.

Hot bath

There is something about having a hot bath that really calms me down. I feel my muscles after been tense all day to soak them in hot water really beneficial. I just love after feeling really relaxed and putting on really soft PJs helps me chill out

Watch a film.

A brilliant way to escape is with a film and getting a nice throw to settle down. It is a great way to switch off because often I am feeling exhausted after a bad so relaxing with a film is a great way to unwind.

Unplug.

The internet is addictive, it has its positives with having a wealth of information, interactions and entertainment. The downfall is it can lead to obsessions or transfixion and makes you feel rubbish. This is not great when you already feeling pants. I find just turning my phone off for an hour or two really helps me just switch off and allows me that time to think by myself.

Feel it.

Sometimes, when you are feeling bad instead of running away from the emotions, it is just good to be mindful even though it can be challenging. It is ok to have them negatives feelings, it is ok to cry and be angry. It is much better to have it there rather than trying to block it out or go into denial. Feeling them emotions is more practical and it may take less time to have to own them. When you explore them emotions it allows you to understand and accept what is happening to you.

Blame game.

I know it is so easy to find anyone other than yourself to pass the blame on to and ok sometimes it may be another person’s fault. But that doesn’t mean that we have to hold on to that anger, it just causes negativity and by letting it go gives back that freedom to move forward.

What things do you do to help when having a bad day?

Cheers for reading X