Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.
This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.
Then my brain reminds me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.
The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being stuck in a situation that I have no control over.
Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.
But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.
Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.
You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.
Cheers for reading X
I feel like the rage is burning up inside of me all day long. Some days the depression feels like a wave that is constantly high up in the air and I need it to come down with a crash. The feelings are so strong that I forget everything else.
I suffer from anxiety/depression and sometimes it is hard to get on with life when you are sucked into the vicious cycle of self hatred. But sometimes doing the smallest of things to make life nicer for yourself can make a huge difference. Here are some ways that I will discuss in this post that have helped me.
First one is being kind to yourself, easier said then done but sometimes we can be our own worse critic. We beat ourselves up and if anyone in the same situation came to us I bet we wouldn’t speak to them thew way we speak to ourselves. Be kinder and accept that somethings our out of control. We are doing the best or doing what we can in that situation.
I have noticed that life particularly as a parent can feel like a wheel that constantly goes around and around, doing the same thing in and out each day without any change. Sometimes, change is good and what better way to do it then breaking the monotony up of your day. It could be something simple like going for a walk to a coffee shop, can make a huge difference to your day because it is a change of scenery.
Another way to make you feel better about yourself is doing some volunteer, as you get the sense that you are valued for your time and services. Not to mention the feeling that you as a person are giving something valuable like your time for the better good will bring a feel good factor. It could potential help built your self confidence in making you more worthwhile doing something positive and taking action.
A really productive way to help with your mental health is when you can ask for help and don’t feel ashamed as no man is an island. I have always found this one different myself as I have been brought to not ask for help but now and again I do ask and you no what it makes a massive difference. You also shouldn’t feel ashamed but proud for doing something that can make your situation better. Your not weak because of asking but strong for recognising that you need help, no one can do it all by themselves.
Sometimes, we can get caught up in our thoughts and just sit there ruminating on them causing us to be in a worse mood. I find that taking time out for yourself and doing something that you enjoy is really beneficial. It doesn’t have to be something grand it could be just going for a walk, taking photos or even colouring but it has the benefits of helping you relax and distract yourself away form the negative thoughts.
This is so cliche but I am going to throw it in as I read a lot recently that blogging is really positive for your mental wellbeing. Firstly, you have platform to write your feelings which can bring real cathartic . Secondly, your helping others who may be similar situations feel less alone and you never you may make friends.
Cheers for reading X
I don’t mean to be rude,
but I am in no mood,
I can’t even stand my food.
All I feel is saliva when chewed,
so this might mean I am screwed,
with these feelings construed,
deep inside of my mind,
they have decided to lay naked,
and stay there deep rooted,
until i am numb and dead.
Right now you are sad,
But beleive me it will pass,
Just keep the faith strong.
I feel powerless,
I feel I am losing,
At this thing called life,
There is no direction,
But full loft uncertainties.
I don’t know which direction to gp,
Can I go into hiding instead,
It’s to hard to play,
Being an adult is a mission
Sometimes I don’t feel equipped,
I wish I could just stop
And charge up.
You don’t have to be deep in mindfulness to appreciate the beauty of mindfulness. You can take little bits of practice and apply to your everyday life.
I suppose the first thing is to understand what mindfulness, well basically in a nutshell it is being in a mental state where you are present and mindful of the moment. But also accepting and acknowledging any feelings or thoughts that the person has.
One of the ways to use an activity such as colouring or anything really that involves concentration can help, as well as it being creative can help visitation technique.
Stopping what your doing and focusing on the breathing. If you have a trail of thought accept that and focus on a thought or feeling that you may have, or it could be looking at something in detail in the room. This can bring back being aware of your surrounding and slowing down the thoughts. It can help give you time to think a bit more clearer as well.
Another mindfulness practice is to concentrate on the body part that is holding tension and focus releasing that tension. The best thing to do is to sit somewhere quite and comfortable where you can focus on scanning your body where you feel tense, then allow that body part to relax and let go of that tension. This can give you more knowledge of where you might hold tension and also give you sense of listening to your body and working with it to help reduce the anxiety.
Overall, the main idea of mindfulness is breathing, being aware and concentrating on listening to your body, in-turn being mindful of what is happening. However, not necessarily responding in anyway.
I myself am not a total convert to mindfulness but I take some practices and adapt them to my life. I have found over the months mindfulness to be beneficial especially when I feel like I am not in control.
I hope this has been enlightening and maybe you want to give it a go. As I said I am no practitioner in it but if you want to look further in detail you can find more information here.
Cheers for reading X