Defeated

Hey readers,

I have depression, however, I can still function fairly well most of the time. This week though I have suffered a knock back which has been hard to even get out of the bed to function. I wanted to hide because I just didn’t have the energy to fight. The only time I got up was for my children otherwise I felt numb and worthless.

Everything feels like a chore, having to find the motivation to continue was so hard it felt like a mental workout. My body aches because it has taken a battering from my mental torture inside my mind. I am frustrated because I fool myself that I am better when all I do is mask and try to continue.

I suppose with uncertainty my anxiety flares up making me hyper-alert to emotions and always on the lookout because I am not in control. I feel powerless and scared. I hate to think about my future because it saddens me.

My anxiety seeps into my dreams and I relive some painful memories. I don’t like it, I smashed all my stuff on my bedside cabinet not realising until I was awake to find the destruction.

People don’t realise how hard work it is. I know to change the record but it is true, you can’t escape your own mind, there is nowhere to run and feel safe. You have to get through it. It is one of the toughest things I have to do, living is hard work when you feel like a pile crap. I am consciously aware of how I feel. It is exhausting because I am battling my inner monologue.

Sometimes I want to give up a bit I don’t because I would never dream of doing that to my children. They are the only things keeping me going at the moment. I know it just an episode where I feel this crap and I know it will pass. it is just getting through this bad storm to see the other side. during this dark time, it is hard to believe that light will appear because it feels like never-ending.

I think one of the triggers is feeling threatened and not been heard. I feel the injustice and the accusation that has been flowing around. It sucks and hurts. Fear that what I need won’t be there and the fight for getting what I deserve is tough going. It wouldn’t have been so bad had it not been the situation encouraging the event to then turn the other way.

It is hard trying to fight and price something when really the person should open their eyes, but of course, money talks and who cares about being honest when really it all boils down to the number game, f*uck the individual.

I just feel so angered by life and just trying to prove my point. I just got to keep reminding myself it will pass and take one day at a time.

Cheers for reading. X

3 Little Buttons

Ways to improve your mental health

Hey readers,

I have spent a large proportion of my life living and battling mental health problems. I have experienced anxiety, depression, and OCD. So, I for one know how hard it is to manage and get on with living your life when you have hurdles to overcome. Here are some of the ways in which I try to help myself with improving my mental health and they may be useful for you too if you struggle.

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Learn to be kinder to yourself. 

This one is an ongoing problem that I struggle with, it is too put yourself down when you have learned to over time. It is easy to batter yourself with the negativity especially when you’re dealing with trauma. That said one of the ways you can do something positive in your life is to learn to be kinder to yourself. I bet if the situation was turned to a loved one would you speak to them the way you do to yourself. Changes are no so looking at the good, praise your achievement even if it is small. You can change behavior though it takes time but needs to be practicing to do so.

Take time out.

One of the best things for me when I am struggling is having time out to myself to have a breather and stop. For me, I like to get my headphones on and walk. It makes me switch off and just go somewhere else other than the situation I am in.

Set realistic goals. 

Goals are brilliant – they help give focus and something to aim for. However, the one thing that can occur for people is making goals that are too unrealistic and less likely over time to stay focused and achieve. So, when you do consider making goals have a big goal but then make micro goals to help along the way to achieve that big goal. Another thing to take on board to reward yourself with something when you have reached the small goals. This will make you feel good and make you want to continue to the next level of achieving that goal.

See the positives. 

As a person who sees the world with an empty cup of water, it can be so hard to see the positives sometimes you got to wing it until you make it. What I mean by that statement is that you have to force to see the positives, write them down and find something even if it is getting out of the bed in the morning, that is progress. Habits are hard to break so get into forcing yourself to write down three positives a day, over time this will become easier to do.

Break up the monotony. 

Life can be boring at times so that why it is important to do something now again that breaks that samey samey up, you don’t have to spend a fortune you could go to the local park and have a picnic. It is refreshing to do something different now and again, it allows you to look forward to that day.

What things have helped improve your mental health?

Cheers for reading X

How do I find a therapist near me

Hey readers,

If you have read my blog before then you will know that I have suffered from mental health problems for a large portion of my life and have had several different types of therapists in my time.

If you are in need of a therapist to explore ways of managing your mental health issues or just talking to someone where do you look for one?

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Well first of you could ask your GP for a referral for some kind of talking therapy. However, in this day age, it can be a long waiting period depending on the severity of your mental health problems sadly. In the past, I have waited for two years to seek help and during the time my mental health has deteriorated.

There are community mental health nurses who can see you are a regular basis and can deal with a more practical side of things such helping with benefits, accessing services, housing etc. CPNs are primarily there to provide support for people with mental health problems adjust to living life in the community. You will need a referral from your GP to access a CPN. Alternatively, there is a service called IAPTS (improving access to psychological therapies) run by the NHS and they can provide CBT for mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. Normally you can also self-refer. However, this service is not available everywhere so you will have to check that it is available in your area.

If you can afford seeking private then the world is your oyster quite frankly. One place that you may want to look at this article Betterhelp that is a clear and concise in-depth information on where to go to find a therapist.

When thinking about seeking a therapist you have to understand that there are several different types of therapy and some conditions respond better to the type of therapy that is offered.

So, for instance, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) deals with current issues and doesn’t look at the past or childhood. Its main focus is problems that are present now and working with thoughts and behaviors to change the way you’re responding to the situation, This is great for anxiety, OCD, eating disorders for example. It is about changing one behavior for a positive behavior and it is short term. Normally courses last six to twelve weeks and it is a very practical way of seeing fast results.

However, if you have experienced trauma such as rape, abuse then I think therapy that is more exploring feelings and talking openly to someone in a confidential setting may be more suited because not about changing opening up and allowing them emotions to come to the surface.

Therapists can also be online and you can use Skye which is a modern practical way of communicating and seeking therapy. Depending on what you are looking for this option allows you to have more choice in the variety available rather than just having what is available within the area that you live in.

Also, if you are searching for a therapist in the private sector make sure that they have the right established qualifications to work with people who have mental health conditions. They need to have the right accreditation to work in mental health and giving therapy. Each type of therapy has a set of qualifications that a therapist needs, this is to show that the therapist has had the correct training to carry out the therapy on people.  It is good practice for therapists to be signed up with The British Psychological Society  and this allows you the general public can go to the BPS and ask what qualifications the therapist has and the training that they have undertaken.

Hope you find this information useful.

Thank you for reading.

This is a sponsored post for Betterhelp. However, all opinions expressed are entirely my own. 

With or without anxiety

Hey readers,

I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment. One moment I feel like I am doing alright with life and then the next thing bang the darkness appears. I swear at times anxiety hates me, it is on 24-hour alert to catch me, especially when I am most venerable. It hates the fact that I am doing OK and hates to see me managing and getting on with life. My brain needs anxiety I feel, I can’t relax and that is the biggest downfall. As I have experienced anxiety for so long where it is not there I worry about worrying if you know what I mean.

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I have this inability to relax. I like the adrenaline at times, feeling alert and it almost feels like a way to clarify that I am alive and living. I have had anxiety for most of my life that when I am not having anxiety I think it is my problem adapting to change. It feels weird to not have the anxiety around.

I am learning to try and let go, allow that anxiety to come and to try not to shy away from it. it is what it is, fear brings it on and that’s not healthy either. I think being present at the moment with the anxiety is one of my biggest challenges. I can’t believe how hard it is to just be and face the anxiety head-on. I am on alert, my body is tight, my muscles and mind hurt. Every night I have a splitting headache due to fighting this anxiety.
It feels like I am doing a mental workout, it is exhausting but with being anxiety warrior you can’t deny resilience is there. Good or bad resilience it is in me and I keep on fighting when at times I just want to hide under a fort, but sadly I need to get up and go, with or without anxiety.

However, that being said I have spent years trying to get rid of this anxiety. Now, I am trying a new approach where I allow it to come, greet it with open arms. I don’t want to be scared of anxiety anymore. I have autism as well and anxiety is a common trait for a lot of people on the spectrum including me. So, instead of trying to change it, I am going to acknowledge the anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety can be good, it might make me think twice about what I am doing. it may be anxiety cause let’s face it not all anxiety is bad. I think media portray it with negative connotations but you can use to your advantage.

The main line of this anxiety post is that I am trying to learn to live with the anxiety, accept it for what it is. don’t put everything I have one then anxiety and know that it is the only sort of me. it doesn’t define me and that actually in control of my life.

Cheers for reading X

Silly things my mind has told me

Hey readers,

I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.

So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.

  • Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
  • such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
  • My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
  • My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
  • A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.

The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.

Cheers for reading X

Quiet is good because…

Hey readers,

The world we live in feels noisy, we have constant buzzing everywhere you look. In some cases it is good to have noise for distraction or entertainment. However, I believe that there is a time for everything and sometimes it is good to be quiet.

Sometimes, when it is quiet you can think more clearer and listen to your internal monologue. You can listen to the thoughts more clearer and given them more order.

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During times of quiet it is a great opportunity of productivity. With no distractions around allows you to focus and concentration on the job in hand. It means a better quality as you main goal is the one thing rather than having lots of noise in your head.

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Being quiet when listening to others is really helpful giving the speaker a chance to express themselves and feeling that they are being heard can make all the difference to the outcome at the end. Even if they have no solutions giving the person that time to communicate without interruptions makes them feel as if something positive has been done and that they are heard.

It is good to be just in the moment and being mindful of everything around you, taking it all  and accepting what life has to offer and taking that time to disconnect.

"The quieter you become the more you can hear.” — Baba

When there is less distractions it gives you the chance to take your environment in. That is why meditation is good because it slows everything right down and allowing you to relax. It is important to focus on the present and slow down. It can help your health when physically or mentally because your are less tense and more in control. There is less  noise which equates to less thinking due to reduction in the information that gets into your brain.

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Even if you do five minutes a day of quite time it can give you the change to slow down and enjoy that moment.

Cheers for reading X