I am struggling with my anxiety at the moment. One moment I feel like I am doing alright with life and then the next thing bang the darkness appears. I swear at times anxiety hates me, it is on 24-hour alert to catch me, especially when I am most venerable. It hates the fact that I am doing OK and hates to see me managing and getting on with life. My brain needs anxiety I feel, I can’t relax and that is the biggest downfall. As I have experienced anxiety for so long where it is not there I worry about worrying if you know what I mean.
I have this inability to relax. I like the adrenaline at times, feeling alert and it almost feels like a way to clarify that I am alive and living. I have had anxiety for most of my life that when I am not having anxiety I think it is my problem adapting to change. It feels weird to not have the anxiety around.
I am learning to try and let go, allow that anxiety to come and to try not to shy away from it. it is what it is, fear brings it on and that’s not healthy either. I think being present at the moment with the anxiety is one of my biggest challenges. I can’t believe how hard it is to just be and face the anxiety head-on. I am on alert, my body is tight, my muscles and mind hurt. Every night I have a splitting headache due to fighting this anxiety.
It feels like I am doing a mental workout, it is exhausting but with being anxiety warrior you can’t deny resilience is there. Good or bad resilience it is in me and I keep on fighting when at times I just want to hide under a fort, but sadly I need to get up and go, with or without anxiety.
However, that being said I have spent years trying to get rid of this anxiety. Now, I am trying a new approach where I allow it to come, greet it with open arms. I don’t want to be scared of anxiety anymore. I have autism as well and anxiety is a common trait for a lot of people on the spectrum including me. So, instead of trying to change it, I am going to acknowledge the anxiety. Sometimes the anxiety can be good, it might make me think twice about what I am doing. it may be anxiety cause let’s face it not all anxiety is bad. I think media portray it with negative connotations but you can use to your advantage.
The main line of this anxiety post is that I am trying to learn to live with the anxiety, accept it for what it is. don’t put everything I have one then anxiety and know that it is the only sort of me. it doesn’t define me and that actually in control of my life.
Cheers for reading X
I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.
Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.
So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.
- Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
- such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
- My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
- My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
- A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.
The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.
Cheers for reading X
The world we live in feels noisy, we have constant buzzing everywhere you look. In some cases it is good to have noise for distraction or entertainment. However, I believe that there is a time for everything and sometimes it is good to be quiet.
Sometimes, when it is quiet you can think more clearer and listen to your internal monologue. You can listen to the thoughts more clearer and given them more order.
During times of quiet it is a great opportunity of productivity. With no distractions around allows you to focus and concentration on the job in hand. It means a better quality as you main goal is the one thing rather than having lots of noise in your head.
Being quiet when listening to others is really helpful giving the speaker a chance to express themselves and feeling that they are being heard can make all the difference to the outcome at the end. Even if they have no solutions giving the person that time to communicate without interruptions makes them feel as if something positive has been done and that they are heard.
It is good to be just in the moment and being mindful of everything around you, taking it all and accepting what life has to offer and taking that time to disconnect.
"The quieter you become the more you can hear.” — Baba
When there is less distractions it gives you the chance to take your environment in. That is why meditation is good because it slows everything right down and allowing you to relax. It is important to focus on the present and slow down. It can help your health when physically or mentally because your are less tense and more in control. There is less noise which equates to less thinking due to reduction in the information that gets into your brain.
Even if you do five minutes a day of quite time it can give you the change to slow down and enjoy that moment.
Cheers for reading X
My eyes are raw
Going through the emotions,
Change is a big deal,
Something that can’t be gone.
The waiting is the hardest,
Just holding on.
I have no control,
I am left stranded,
My future is in there hands.
Who am I?
I don’t know who I am anymore,
I have lost sight,
Of the person who I once was.
How do I tell you,
The thoughts that take my control,
I feel scared right now.