Cold 

Hey readers,

my word of the week is:

because I have had a right stinker of a cold. As I haven’t had one for awhile it really knocks you off your feet.  I suppose it was bound to happen when your child returns to school and all them germs everywhere. It has been so hard to have the energy to do anything other than collapse on the sofa, which is extremely hard when you have two little children that have a lot of energy.

Still, you have to get up don’t you because no one cares on you know if you have a cold and you feel rubbish. Early mornings are a killer! But at least it’s Friday now and the weekend is here, so I can relax a little bit in between doing the washing and homework.

I’ve also lost my mojo for writing in my blog which happens now and again. Maybe because I’ve got no energy and you got to force yourself to do it just to keep it going otherwise you lose sight of wanting to succeed for yourself.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

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Blog Therapy 

Hey readers,

Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 on the morning.

I am so tearful because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.

recovery 2

I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time.  For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.

I feel a bit suffocated as well being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven’t got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.

suffocated

I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with this thoughts.

I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.

recovery

It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. As in real life I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.

So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don’t feel judged and it is a place where I can freely right without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.

Cheers for reading X

Bringing up Georgia
Real Mum Reviews

Cool for cats

Hey readers,

You can learn a lot about cats about how to live a more relaxed life. I hate being human sometimes, I just doubt everything in my tiny little mind. I dread Friday is the worst, it is like I have had a whole week to beat myself up on not being good enough.

CAT 3

Why do ‘some’ of us torture ourselves, we think we are weak when really we must be strong to get through this personal torment. There are days when all I would love to do is sit back in my hammock and just forget everything.  I know, I know I think too much, that is always been my downfall. I am just so glad for summer holidays, I am exhausted from worrying about not being good enough parent.

CAT 1

I hate failure, we all fear it but if asked what is success, I wouldn’t be able to tell you so how can I fail if I don’t know what the alternative is?!

Life is much simpler being a cat, all you need to worry about is the small stuff like finding a place that is warm and sunshine touching your fur. How amazing would that be to have to care in the world. Maybe I should ask my husband because he is an expert in it.

Being a cat has so many benefits such as, getting rent free, being able to sleep as much as you want and have the freedom to roam about and piss on your territory . I would definitely be up for that, haha. Even if people annoy you, you cats can walk away and not give a damn, that must be so liberating not caring what other people think. There is no drama about being fat and what worrying about how people view you, you just prance about in your fur all day, look great with no effort whatsoever.

CAT 2

Told you cats have it great, we can learn a thing or too.

I now leave you on a final quote:

Cats are connoisseurs of comfort.  

James Herriot.

Cheers for reading X

Best of Worst

I was featured on Blogger Showcase

Planning

Hey readers,

This week my word is:

Planning.png

This is because I am consciously aware of the fact that we are fastly approaching the summer holiday. I am not good at adapting to change due to my autism, so I need to plan a system in place with how I am going to get through it. Previous years I tend to get quite obsessed with it but this year I am trying to be general and just have options of things to do when I feel like tearing my hair out.

I have also been to the library and withdrew some books out. I have lost my mojo to read physical books recently so purposely took the time to find some good books to get my teeth stuck into.

My youngest gave me a scare this week, whilst at nursery he fell on a balancing beam and the beam sprang up into his face. So, he has a gorgeous massive brush on his nose, close to his eye socket. Luckily his eyesight is ok and mainly superficial bruising rather then any damage.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

Disorder

Hey readers,

My word of the week is

Disorder

Because my home is basically pretty much looks like a drugs den and I would not dare decorate when I have a hubby who’s experienced in decorating (not to mention a perfectionist). Downside to this is he is lazy so for months we have walls with blobs of paint to see which we want.

Then suddenly, hubby decides to get his shit together and go ape in the space of three days sanding all the walls and buying paint and painting.

Everything is covered in dust and nothing is rightfully in order, OMG  I  hate it with a passion, why has he always got to be an extremist, grrrrr.

I suppose on a brighter note the walls do not look smother, haha.

Also, had both sets of grandparents different times during the week which instantly means the kids go loopy. But it was nice to have  a change for them and they were so excited telling them about every single thing in detail, like we don’t need to know about how much poo you have done today, lol!

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

What is Home?

Hey readers,

The people of Wayfair went on the hunt to find out what home is for people. This is what Wayfair did:

We hit the streets of London over the Easter weekend equipped with an armchair and a microphone to find out what home really means to us! The findings were both insightful and heartwarming, exposing that our homes are much more than just buildings or places, they are family, comfort, inspiration, happiness and much more. Not only that, but we spoke to a further 400 recipients across the UK & found that over 71% of people coined the sofa as the most important item of furniture in their home, placing the importance on socializing and making use of communal spaces (or being couch potatoes if you look at it another way!)  

Wayfair are doing a campaign on ‘What is Home?’ and for me personally home is not necessarily the physical things but the meaning associated with home. It is safety where when I close the front door I can come into my home and feel less judged.

You see I am autistic and I struggle going out in the outside world, so knowing I have a place where I can relax and not have to put on a mask is comforting. It makes me feel less anxious especially after a hard day, I can come home to my family and just be me without the fear of being judged.

Home is a place where I don’t have to be agitated or on guard, I can kick back on the sofa and just be. Enjoying the calm moments of reading a book with a blanket whilst my two boys are playing next door together with their Lego.

It feels like home because I am a mum and I provide all the needs for my children where they can fun but also develop as children. Where they will hold the memories for years of all the happy times of their childhood.

It is times when we lounge on a Sunday as a family scrawled out whilst watching Big Heads and rooting for King Henry VIII over Donald Trump.

Home is where we get excited about the small things we can do together as a family like watching a sunset or have Sunday dinner and discussing why mummy is called poopoo, while the boys are in hysterics over the hilariousness of it all.

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What does home mean to you? What ideas stir up when you think of home?

Cheers for reading X

Cuddle Fairy
Bringing up Georgia
Pink Pear Bear

Time

Hey readers,

my word of the week is

TIME.png

What I mean to say about this is lack of time due to the fact that it is half term. As lovely as half term is it leaves me lacking time. I feel like I don’t have enough of it this week and feel a bit tired. It is exhausting work trying to entertain children whilst trying desperately holding on to your sanity.

I attempt to do a fun activity such as playing with Plasticine, nice little relaxing activity for my boys. Don’t be silly, I have never been so God dame frustrated in my life. I have to supervise to make sure everyone has got an equal amount, the same colours and sit in the middle making sure that it does not kick off. I don’t need to say anymore then my patience can run very thin.

This has what most of it has been like, seriously sometimes I question why I bother. Sometimes, it is much to turn telly on and deal with the crippling guilt of being the ‘slummy mummy’.

Roll on Monday where I can breathe and enjoy the silence without thinking that boys are next door planning on taking over the world.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoia and anxious. 

alone

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don’t do small talk and the things I think about to talk about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

alone 2

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, in this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability makes me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don’t worry I won’t but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ‘ believe’ others think. 

alone 3

I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role, because I view success on where I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can’t I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confided in a wheel chair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down. I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judge me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, but it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis less children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

diaryofanimperfectmum

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