Planning

Hey readers,

This week my word is:

Planning.png

This is because I am consciously aware of the fact that we are fastly approaching the summer holiday. I am not good at adapting to change due to my autism, so I need to plan a system in place with how I am going to get through it. Previous years I tend to get quite obsessed with it but this year I am trying to be general and just have options of things to do when I feel like tearing my hair out.

I have also been to the library and withdrew some books out. I have lost my mojo to read physical books recently so purposely took the time to find some good books to get my teeth stuck into.

My youngest gave me a scare this week, whilst at nursery he fell on a balancing beam and the beam sprang up into his face. So, he has a gorgeous massive brush on his nose, close to his eye socket. Luckily his eyesight is ok and mainly superficial bruising rather then any damage.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

Disorder

Hey readers,

My word of the week is

Disorder

Because my home is basically pretty much looks like a drugs den and I would not dare decorate when I have a hubby who’s experienced in decorating (not to mention a perfectionist). Downside to this is he is lazy so for months we have walls with blobs of paint to see which we want.

Then suddenly, hubby decides to get his shit together and go ape in the space of three days sanding all the walls and buying paint and painting.

Everything is covered in dust and nothing is rightfully in order, OMG  I  hate it with a passion, why has he always got to be an extremist, grrrrr.

I suppose on a brighter note the walls do not look smother, haha.

Also, had both sets of grandparents different times during the week which instantly means the kids go loopy. But it was nice to have  a change for them and they were so excited telling them about every single thing in detail, like we don’t need to know about how much poo you have done today, lol!

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

What is Home?

Hey readers,

The people of Wayfair went on the hunt to find out what home is for people. This is what Wayfair did:

We hit the streets of London over the Easter weekend equipped with an armchair and a microphone to find out what home really means to us! The findings were both insightful and heartwarming, exposing that our homes are much more than just buildings or places, they are family, comfort, inspiration, happiness and much more. Not only that, but we spoke to a further 400 recipients across the UK & found that over 71% of people coined the sofa as the most important item of furniture in their home, placing the importance on socializing and making use of communal spaces (or being couch potatoes if you look at it another way!)  

Wayfair are doing a campaign on ‘What is Home?’ and for me personally home is not necessarily the physical things but the meaning associated with home. It is safety where when I close the front door I can come into my home and feel less judged.

You see I am autistic and I struggle going out in the outside world, so knowing I have a place where I can relax and not have to put on a mask is comforting. It makes me feel less anxious especially after a hard day, I can come home to my family and just be me without the fear of being judged.

Home is a place where I don’t have to be agitated or on guard, I can kick back on the sofa and just be. Enjoying the calm moments of reading a book with a blanket whilst my two boys are playing next door together with their Lego.

It feels like home because I am a mum and I provide all the needs for my children where they can fun but also develop as children. Where they will hold the memories for years of all the happy times of their childhood.

It is times when we lounge on a Sunday as a family scrawled out whilst watching Big Heads and rooting for King Henry VIII over Donald Trump.

Home is where we get excited about the small things we can do together as a family like watching a sunset or have Sunday dinner and discussing why mummy is called poopoo, while the boys are in hysterics over the hilariousness of it all.

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What does home mean to you? What ideas stir up when you think of home?

Cheers for reading X

Cuddle Fairy
Bringing up Georgia
Pink Pear Bear

Time

Hey readers,

my word of the week is

TIME.png

What I mean to say about this is lack of time due to the fact that it is half term. As lovely as half term is it leaves me lacking time. I feel like I don’t have enough of it this week and feel a bit tired. It is exhausting work trying to entertain children whilst trying desperately holding on to your sanity.

I attempt to do a fun activity such as playing with Plasticine, nice little relaxing activity for my boys. Don’t be silly, I have never been so God dame frustrated in my life. I have to supervise to make sure everyone has got an equal amount, the same colours and sit in the middle making sure that it does not kick off. I don’t need to say anymore then my patience can run very thin.

This has what most of it has been like, seriously sometimes I question why I bother. Sometimes, it is much to turn telly on and deal with the crippling guilt of being the ‘slummy mummy’.

Roll on Monday where I can breathe and enjoy the silence without thinking that boys are next door planning on taking over the world.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoia and anxious. 

alone

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don’t do small talk and the things I think about to talk about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

alone 2

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, in this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability makes me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don’t worry I won’t but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ‘ believe’ others think. 

alone 3

I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role, because I view success on where I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can’t I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confided in a wheel chair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down. I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judge me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, but it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis less children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

diaryofanimperfectmum

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Dear Bear and Beany

Why running rocks!

Hey readers,

Recently I returned to running and got hit again by the running bug, I just love and let me tell you why!

Because running gets you out of the house and you get some fresh air.

running 3

If your like me, I get quite frustrated with my inadequacies as a person and since I have started running have found running really great to just burn off them feelings.

It is good for you physical health, I only do running three times a week but I still find it beneficial in helping me ton up my legs and help strength my arms (as I am on medication where one of the side effects causes me great deal of physical pain).

You feel like you have achieved something positive and can make you feel better for it.

It is really fantastic to help you sleep if you do in the evening or alternatively, if you do it first thing in the morning it can set you up for the day.

running 2

You build up stamina which is always handy if you have young children and they want you to run after them in the park.

I had a break from running for a few weeks and definitely missed it. Once I stsrted again with running I found it made me much happier in myself and like I achieved something.

Obiviously, a bonus reason for running is it burns of calerioes which who can not deny is wonderful.

If you have children it sets an example regarding doing exercise and a positive message of seeing it occur.

You never fully appreciate a shower until after a hot sweaty run.

It is free, you can do it practically any where and at any time if you wish.

running 1

There are so many free apps like c25k to help beginnings that are a great guide to help you know where to start. If you are really confident then there is an event called parkrun (again free) where you run with others and such buzz, plus the feeling of being part of the running community.

As a parent you sometimes lose yourself, so it is good to do something for yourself, a bit of ‘me time’ where it is an activity solely for you to enjoy and get something out of.

Cheers for reading X

 

 

 

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Mummuddlingthrough
diaryofanimperfectmum