Things you do as a mum

Hey readers,

Some people think that us parents do nothing but just sit and drink tea all day. This may be true of some things, however some things I need praise for the things I can achieve as a parent. Here is the type of things I am successful to achieve as a parent.

Cleaning up my darling child’s snot, here you go, darling, have my lovely warm clean jumper sleeve to remove that string of snot. I don’t care if I look a tramp, I just can’t stomach it anymore having to see you try to lick it away.  *This is the kind of thing that normally happens when we are in public and I cannot access any bog roll*

I am suitably relaxed on the sofa watching This Morning and then the sheer terror washes over me as I hear the loud shout, “mummy, I’ve done a poo,” argh.  That means I have to rush to the bathroom to do the loving chore of wiping the feces of my son’s bottom. I just pray it is not runny as it goes absolutely everywhere!

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Some skills you never think you will acquire, until suddenly you become a parent and you have to think right outside the box (which to be honest as an autistic person myself is f**king hard and uses all my resources I can tell ya). It is amazing the stories I can come up with or using techniques just to keep the child quiet for five minutes when we are out. I never thought I could be so creative waiting in a busy dentist room with a leaflet to entertain a child.

You know what I never heard my own voice as much as becoming a parent, I take more notice than my child. Maybe it would be easier to invent a tiny person in my head who appreciates what I say, as no other sod does,  haha!

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I never knew there was such a thing as speed cleaning and boy have I got that down to a T. I have never dashed around the home to quickly make it less of a s**t tip in two minutes when I am greeted with unexpected visits.

One thing you soon learn early on in the game of parenting is that bribery wins the day, saves societies and makes family units strong.

It seems my children are allergic to finding anything that is requested of them, I seem to have developed a skill where I can find anything, particularly when it is so clearly visible to the naked eye. This skill takes little effort and nine times out of 10 can be sorted within 30 seconds, I know what your thinking totes amazeballs, right?!

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Once I  became a parent it seems I have another person to deal with and that is my little friend guilt, that is always committed to being there for me 100%.

Once I was not a fan of sick, but somehow miracles do happen and I am not afraid of sick anymore. If my child spontaneously wants to be sick on me, not that I would have chosen it but I would get on with it and deal with it.

Isn’t motherhood amazing, people don’t realise the commitment, but parents you mostly on average rock. *bar the odd dodgy parent*.

Cheers for reading X

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The lies you tell as a parent

Hey readers,

Do you ever tell little white lies as a parent because I sure do, anything to keep my life a little bit easier. I am now going to confess some of my little white lies I have told my children.

Santa claus is real so you best be good because he is watching you. He is everywhere and knows everything.

Man in Santa Claus Costume

Things that you think are so easy but when you are a parent things happen to be totally different. Take for instant the tablet and ok I do actually only have one as hubby won’t let me get two because he wants to teach the boys to share. I on the other hand would totally buy another tablet because you know what my ears can’t be arsed to listen to the petty squabbling. I like a simple life, call me what you want, life is much better when it is quiet. So, if I can’t get a second tablet then alternative to get a quiet life is to sometimes tell a little lie, ‘sorry but the battery of the tablet is died.’ Even though the tablet itself has 90% battery life left, I just simply can not be f**ked with it sometimes. I would rather watch a repeated episode of Topsy and Tim, that quite frankly is saying something!

Sometimes, I can’t face living my home with two kids because it is a chore or I can tell they are going to be grade A a**eholes. So, I may *ahem* say I can’t do xyz because we have no money.

This is more of a seasonal white lie but around Christmas time the main threat that are give my children is that if they do not behave then I will ring santa and he won’t deliver any presents. It is a beautiful threat because it is actually one that they take very seriously, mhahahahaha!

My youngest hates anything veggie or fruit if he can visually see it. He asks when we have spaghetti bolognese is there any vegetables in the food, of course there is none it is just the sauce.

Free stock photo of food, healthy, vegetables, potatoes

When I am struggling to stay awake I stick a movie on for the kids and snuggle down with them whilst sneakily getting some shut eye. I don’t know why but kids have this super sense when your trying to sleep to jump all over you or constantly ask questions, such as. ‘are you awake mummy?’ I reply, ‘ of course I am awake I am just resting my eyes’. Honest!

Gray Scale Photo of Flat Screen Tv on Top of Wooden Tv Rack

When you don’t want an argument with your child but they want an answer, simple just say, ‘we’ll see’.

When out and about particularly on public transport the child asks when will we get there. Always respond with we’re nearly there, even if it is another 20 minutes to reach the destination.

Anytime a child touches something breakable or anything fancy, I reply if you touch it will break.

Well come back another time is a typical response to a question when you know damn well there is no change we will.

The child asks, ‘what are you doing mummy?’ mummy replies,  ‘i’m only having a drink I will be in a minute’. When secretly I am scoffing all the chocolate 😉

Sometimes, to get back at daddy because the sod has had yet another glorious lie in I tell the kids, ‘wake up daddy he is much  better at doing xyz’ and I sit back grinning on the sofa whilst over hearing the boys come running into daddy’s bedroom screaming at the top of their voices and bouncing all over the bed. *evil mummy8

Cheers for reading X

Getting children out of the door

Hey readers,

Why are children super fast when they  want to be but as soon as a parent is desperate to get someone urgent they go to  slough mode!

Here are some thoughts and conversationset I have when trying to get kids ready and out the sodding door.

1) Please get ready, we need to get to school.

 please stitch lilo and stitch beg GIF

2) I hate you hubby for giving me the task of getting the boys ready, you absolute tool.

3) If I you don’t get ready then I am going to turn off the TV but at the same time promising to turn the tv on because you need to sit still because you need to do their hair.

4) If you don’t get ready I will phone your dad and you will be in serious trouble. (Let’s face it no one wants to hear your daddy yell at you, even mummy gets scared with the decibels used).

 simpsons GIF

5) When it gets close to birthday/Christmas or any special event that is important to your little darlings, it is the ultimate blackmail to get them ready and out the door promote. If parenting gets so bad it will be threatening every single day.

6) Shall I ask your teacher if you are like this at school? seems my son fears this one because he is so angelic he doesn’t want the illusion to vanish from the teachers eyes. Works a treat to kick his bottom into gear.

7) Threats about no pudding go down a treat (yes pun intended).

8) If in doubt and you desperate bribes can be used to keep your own sanity in tact. If ANYONE disagrees then they could bloody well come round at 7am and deal with the problem for me, no problem with that I tell you.

9) Stare at your child, if gives them the willies that the arguments must stop or mummy is going to lose her sh*t big time. This normally occurs when on a Friday because we all tired and about had enough of having to go through this drama for the fifth time this week.

Bachelor in Paradise season 3 episode 9 abc crying GIF

10) If your child loves school as much as mine threaten that if they don’t get dressed won’t go to school that day and do nothing all day at home. Amazing how effective that is and they comply to your need of them getting their socks on.

Cheers for reading X

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It’s a Bing thing!

Hey readers,

Today I bring you my thoughts when watching Bing, because basically I have watched an episode today and I have had enough, I need my place to vent my frustrations, so here goes.

bing

Why is Bing always having a strop off? Seriously he is such a moany little sod, all the time. He must give his carer/parent a headache.

I think Bing needs to learn the art of No. He is such a little brat, so selfish every single time. If there is one crucial lesson that Bing needs to learn then it is to stop being so self-centred and share.

I think Flop is too soft and he should just quit being all nicey and following him around all day. I mean come on no parent surely has that much patience all day long with wingy Bingy. What message is that saying anyway to a child that if you moan you will get away with it? The thing is Bing needs some discipline. The first port of call would be to quit calling it a Bing thing, more Flop thing and if you don’t like it you know where you can stick it!

bing and flop

I think Flop has some insecurities with the amount of 1-2-1 time, does he ever give Bing any space.

Why does Flop always say, ‘Aieechee!’ when Bing sneezes, what is that all about? Seems a bit odd to me.

What relationship is Flop anyway towards Bing,  is he a carer a parent and if he is a parent then pretty random considering flop is not any kind of animal, more sack like?

Why does every programme have to revolve around some moral. I believe that the best cartons are just fun, I can’t cope with any more American spin off programmes.  I wish Bing would have a change the format, it is so boring that I can predict what happens.

Why does Pando have a nappy on and no trousers on, surely this is not right, come on woman sort yourself out. You can not be like that 24/7.

pando

Cheers for reading X

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The Pramshed

Messy play, ugh!

Hey readers,

SO the other day I thought I know what would be fun and creative on Sunday morning, pre-9am getting the paints out to some messy play. I know what you are thinking already, I am absolutely insane because it appears that I have some sort of long term memory with forgetting all about the crappy attempts last time and all the stress it caused.

But as per usual ‘mummy expectations’ put on myself through reading too much ideologies through social media, this sodding technological world we live in. I respect the fact that no one ever put a gun against my head, it is just having low self confidence in anything and parenting I worry about everything. I do I am not going lie, I don’t need pity it just a fact of life.

But must remind myself any time I think it is a good idea to go solo with a three year with paints, just step away. Seriously, I appreciate art but I don’t really rate a Pollock style rug, nor walls, nor table, nor sofa, nor bath, basically any fucking where the child decides to put the paint.

I am nervous wreck anyway because I am lucky enough to have a disposition to anxiety type A  personality shall we say.

Why, is it so important to paint, it consists of the child painting a grand total of five minutes whilst muggings here spends a good old forty minutes to clean up. I spend more time doing the work then the actually child, surely that is not right.

I be honest I am not very good with mess, and disorder with no logic to it. I REALLY, REALLY should leave this type of activity to the professionals AKA the nursery . He has a good three hours, five times a week to lose his shit with the paint then all I need to do is bath him in the brown mess every single day and constantly add to the pile of washing.  I am down with that, they can guide him to be a outstanding artist, nursery staff are trained and expert in this field, hence why they have so many teacher training day to deal with such skills.

So, the moral of the story  is don’t ever let your child lose with paint until they are at an age where they can clean up after themselves. I shall just embrace painting Mr Tumble’s bow tie on the Cbeebies app and leave the important stuff to the professionals!

Cheers for reading X

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