Getting children out the door

Hey readers,

Why are children super fast when they  want to be but as soon as a parent is desperate to get someone urgent they go to  slough mode!

Here are some thoughts and conversationset I have when trying to get kids ready and out the sodding door.

1) Please get ready, we need to get to school.

 please stitch lilo and stitch beg GIF

2) I hate you hubby for giving me the task of getting the boys ready, you absolute tool.

3) If I you don’t get ready then I am going to turn off the TV but at the same time promising to turn the tv on because you need to sit still because you need to do their hair.

4) If you don’t get ready I will phone your dad and you will be in serious trouble. (Let’s face it no one wants to hear your daddy yell at you, even mummy gets scared with the decibels used).

 simpsons GIF

5) When it gets close to birthday/Christmas or any special event that is important to your little darlings, it is the ultimate blackmail to get them ready and out the door promote. If parenting gets so bad it will be threatening every single day.

6) Shall I ask your teacher if you are like this at school? seems my son fears this one because he is so angelic he doesn’t want the illusion to vanish from the teachers eyes. Works a treat to kick his bottom into gear.

7) Threats about no pudding go down a treat (yes pun intended).

8) If in doubt and you desperate bribes can be used to keep your own sanity in tact. If ANYONE disagrees then they could bloody well come round at 7am and deal with the problem for me, no problem with that I tell you.

9) Stare at your child, if gives them the willies that the arguments must stop or mummy is going to lose her sh*t big time. This normally occurs when on a Friday because we all tired and about had enough of having to go through this drama for the fifth time this week.

Bachelor in Paradise season 3 episode 9 abc crying GIF

10) If your child loves school as much as mine threaten that if they don’t get dressed won’t go to school that day and do nothing all day at home. Amazing how effective that is and they comply to your need of them getting their socks on.

Cheers for reading X

Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs

Mummascribbles

3 Little Buttons

 

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It’s a Bing thing!

Hey readers,

Today I bring you my thoughts when watching Bing, because basically I have watched an episode today and I have had enough, I need my place to vent my frustrations, so here goes.

bing

Why is Bing always having a strop off? Seriously he is such a moany little sod, all the time. He must give his carer/parent a headache.

I think Bing needs to learn the art of No. He is such a little brat, so selfish every single time. If there is one crucial lesson that Bing needs to learn then it is to stop being so self-centred and share.

I think Flop is too soft and he should just quit being all nicey and following him around all day. I mean come on no parent surely has that much patience all day long with wingy Bingy. What message is that saying anyway to a child that if you moan you will get away with it? The thing is Bing needs some discipline. The first port of call would be to quit calling it a Bing thing, more Flop thing and if you don’t like it you know where you can stick it!

bing and flop

I think Flop has some insecurities with the amount of 1-2-1 time, does he ever give Bing any space.

Why does Flop always say, ‘Aieechee!’ when Bing sneezes, what is that all about? Seems a bit odd to me.

What relationship is Flop anyway towards Bing,  is he a carer a parent and if he is a parent then pretty random considering flop is not any kind of animal, more sack like?

Why does every programme have to revolve around some moral. I believe that the best cartons are just fun, I can’t cope with any more American spin off programmes.  I wish Bing would have a change the format, it is so boring that I can predict what happens.

Why does Pando have a nappy on and no trousers on, surely this is not right, come on woman sort yourself out. You can not be like that 24/7.

pando

Cheers for reading X

Pink Pear Bear
Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs
The Pramshed

Observations of what happens in a heatwave 

Hey readers,

 Have you noticed that it is a tat on the hot side, yep, me too and I am terribly British in which I love a good moan about the weather. So let’s look at my accurate portray of what it is like to experience going through a heatwave.

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You know you are going through a heatwave when every sentence, every hour of the day is announcing to anyone who is listening, ‘It’s hot’.  Because no one obviously has noticed that big  yellow ball in the sky.

You go bat shit crazy in the supermarket for multi packs of ice lollies like your life depends on it.

You love your fan like a family member.

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Never has a cold shower felt so good until your child decides to walk in on you and declare you have a hole.

You get beyond frustrated at stupid questions asked by children about who is the smelliest when really all that matters right now is trying to concentrate on cramming as may ice cubes as possible into your cup.

You worry your bladder may explode because you have drank your weight in cold drinks in just one day.

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Your pillow has never felt so pumped then during this heatwave with constantly turning over the pillow at night.

You suddenly become a raging manic woman over the tiniest of things  because you fuse has finally blown and throwing wet pants on mummy’s head tips her right over that edge.

The dreaded bedtime you have to do. The ultimate question, should or should you not open the windows? Where the bedroom is like a fucking sauna and outside is just noise from people constantly revving and horn beeping timed just around the bed time hour. Don’t they know these people outside having fun at bedtime hour makes this mama very, very angry.

You pine for autumn so hard, please bring it back, because I don’t know if I can cope with any more under boob sweat.

Cheers for reading X

diaryofanimperfectmum
Mummuddlingthrough

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Messy play, ugh!

Hey readers,

SO the other day I thought I know what would be fun and creative on Sunday morning, pre-9am getting the paints out to some messy play. I know what you are thinking already, I am absolutely insane because it appears that I have some sort of long term memory with forgetting all about the crappy attempts last time and all the stress it caused.

But as per usual ‘mummy expectations’ put on myself through reading too much ideologies through social media, this sodding technological world we live in. I respect the fact that no one ever put a gun against my head, it is just having low self confidence in anything and parenting I worry about everything. I do I am not going lie, I don’t need pity it just a fact of life.

But must remind myself any time I think it is a good idea to go solo with a three year with paints, just step away. Seriously, I appreciate art but I don’t really rate a Pollock style rug, nor walls, nor table, nor sofa, nor bath, basically any fucking where the child decides to put the paint.

I am nervous wreck anyway because I am lucky enough to have a disposition to anxiety type A  personality shall we say.

Why, is it so important to paint, it consists of the child painting a grand total of five minutes whilst muggings here spends a good old forty minutes to clean up. I spend more time doing the work then the actually child, surely that is not right.

I be honest I am not very good with mess, and disorder with no logic to it. I REALLY, REALLY should leave this type of activity to the professionals AKA the nursery . He has a good three hours, five times a week to lose his shit with the paint then all I need to do is bath him in the brown mess every single day and constantly add to the pile of washing.  I am down with that, they can guide him to be a outstanding artist, nursery staff are trained and expert in this field, hence why they have so many teacher training day to deal with such skills.

So, the moral of the story  is don’t ever let your child lose with paint until they are at an age where they can clean up after themselves. I shall just embrace painting Mr Tumble’s bow tie on the Cbeebies app and leave the important stuff to the professionals!

Cheers for reading X

Life Love and Dirty Dishes

Let's Be Friends

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

diaryofanimperfectmum

The pains of a Sweaty Betty

Hey readers,

Today we have had humid weather, which being honest with you makes me ill just thinking about the humidity. The only time that I would the sun to be shining so hot is when I am by a pool in the shade with coupons amounts of drink or ice-cream.

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I dread it when I see the warm weather flow across the map of the weather person on the news. I cannot stand being a sticky mess. It amazes me to see people in coats in this humid and sticky weather, I want to know how they keep so cool because for me I am just purely a  sweaty betty. My makeup is all running down my face, my t-shirt is sticking to my neck and if you think it can get any worse then there is ultimate hell for the fat girl, chub rub. Basically where you sweat so much between your thighs that they rub from the fiction and it is hell let me tell you that.

When you’re out and about there appears to be that stench wafting at your nostrils, you know the one, where people sweat so much they stink of it and forget to wash. You can’t run away on public transport so you have to stick to the seat and try not to breathe the whole five minutes journey home.

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I just hate feeling hot, I literally cannot do anything and feel sick because it is so dame hot. If the whole sweating and feeling ill is not enough then let’s just bring up hay fever. It is the pits and agony, my sinuses are working overtime, I am sneezing every five seconds and my eyes kill from the itchiness.

Let’s move on to a different aspect of hot weather and that is them annoying sun worshippers on Facebook bragging about how lovely it is with these temperatures, I mean are you for real? The only place I want to be is lying on the cold bathroom floor.

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If you think you can escape it at night, your wrong my friends. At night it is a wrestle with the bed to find the cold spot, therefore spending a majority of the night tossing and turning then having to deal with the lack of sleep.

In the end it results in you wishing on the times when you felt more comfortable, colder and cosier. All I am saying is I miss you Autumn *sniff*!

Cheers for reading X

Sticky Mud and Belly Laughs


My Random Musings
3 Little Buttons

Trends that should die forever!!!

Hey readers,

Watch out girls then is a returning trend that is coming this summer – underbun! If you have not heard of an underbun it is basically where you have such short shorts that your bottom slips out. Now I don’t care about flesh sharing but sometimes girls can show far too much for the eyes to see.

underbun

Nude leggings are just a no no for me, sorry. They are not attractive and tell everyone the truth, no one wants to see them stretched over your backside, unless your stick thin it is revolting. They are also in a disgusting colour and they just not flattering at all, if you own a pair do us all a favour and bin them!

nude leggings

What is it with glitter in your roots, seriously it looks like someone has sneezed on your head or you have a really bad case of coloured dandruff. Whoever thought this was cool, it is not, so please just die off!

glitter roots

A recent trend that is growing in popularity is fur slides. To me they look like something that resembles a middle class lady of leisure that struts about in her silk dressing gown. They just look cheap and tacky, seriously if Rihanna fell of the cliff would everyone else jump off too?! I am glad I am so old that I just don’t care anymore (not that did when I was younger) to care about being hip and fashionable.

fur slides

Tracksuit bottoms with the word juicy plastered on the bottom, just looks awful. I thought they had there day but they seem to be reappearing in my local area, please just stop, I don’t want to be forced to look at your bottom.

juicy tracksuits.jpg

Fake tan just looks horrific, streaky and unnatural. Why do this, it is just not right, are they blind, do women not see this. Ok, some can get it right but a majority go overboard or can not blend it in correctly causing it to have that lovely streaky marking. I have done it once myself, never again. I looked like the angry orange and wasted money when I could of just brought a bar of chocolate and have been happy as Larry.

angry orange

Is there trends that you wish to fizzle out promto?

Cheers for reading X

3 Little Buttons

Mummascribbles

My Petit Canard</div

Reasons why the boy throws a fit

Hey readers,

Kids are funny creatures aren’t they, you think you sussed them but then something happens and you what!!!! Here are some classic examples where you really wish you could understand but just leaves you even more confused.

Now I have two children which causes some lovely moments but other times hell over really silly things such as why has he got his bed over their on the left side and they so badly want it.

moody

When you don’t give your child that colour plate they so desperately need or else there whole life will fall a part in that instance.

Major suck in having to hold hands with you because they so are grown up when walking home from school and feel they may look like a baby in front of their friends.

moody 2

The emotional breakdown lasting two weeks after Christmas and having the difficulty to understand that boxing day it ends, haha!

When they are overly tired and you look at them, the filthy look they give you thinking how very dare you look in my direction!

The million and one question where has the hand wash gone (even though it is right at the end) they still have to question you and interrogate you on the new hand wash. Why, it is just bloody hand wash brought from Poundland, it is even the same make for God sake.

moody 3

Having a breakdown that school is not on a Saturday because they so desperately want to go on that specific climbing frame even though you offered a visit to a better one at the park. It is just simply not good enough.

Having an almighty challenge of getting them into the bath and then later having to battle the tears and tantrums of not wanting to get out ever.

What kind of things baffle you as a parent?

Cheers for reading X

3 Little Buttons

Mummascribbles

Why are kids….

Hey readers,

Kids are still a mystery even after five years into motherhood this still have that ability to amaze me.

Why do kids produce so much snot, it just constantly streaming and if you think that is bad they wipe it on their sleeve and smear it all over their face or if you are really luckily they may share it with you, ewww!

Why do kids have a issue with sitting on their bottoms and constantly have ants in their pants.

jump-child

Why are kids more of a hinderance then a help with housework

child-housework

Why do kids always have sticky fingers.

sticky-hands

Why do kids always find talking about pooing, farting and their wellies so funny, seriously it is not that funny so please stop now!

Why do kids always have to be a rush with everything.Even getting  a pint of milk down the local shop, they do a bolt down the isle like it some Olympic sport.

kid-running

Why do kids always bounce on you first thing in the sodding morning when you are like a zombie and then for extra loveliness decide to lick face, why????

Why do kids ALWAYS do the fucking complete opposite of what you wish for, it is like they go out of their way to be an arse to you.

checky

Why do kids lie so blatantly obvious, “mummy I haven’t eaten chocolate” they say whilst looking at you with chocolate smeared all over their chops.

Cheers for reading X

Thoughts about In The Night Garden

Hey readers,
When you’re a parent you will end up watching kid’s programmes. You also get to think probably a bit too much about the programme itself. I know I have when I have watched In the Night Garden for the umpteenth time. I find ITNG such an interesting show as there say many ‘interesting’ observations I have made that I need to share them with you. So, where better than on my blog.

itng

Why is Iggle Piggle always desperate to get it off with Upsy Daisy, trying to get her to kiss her all the time? He seems to spend most of his time chasing Upsy Daisy and he has eveb been caught in her bed.

Upsy Daisy is a dick tease, with flashing her knickers to everyone, any change she can get she will be there pulling on that string.

The Tombliboos are such flashers aren’t they with, always having their pants fallen down or they really need a belt because they appear to be so loose.
I swear The Tombliboos house is made of pretzels.

One think I am defiantly sure about is The Tompliboos are from Liverpool, I mean come on who else where’s hair rollers when they are out and about all day long.

All the people who enter the Ninky Nonk they can be guaranteed to be getting pissed drinking cocktail fishbowls, no wonder they are falling all over the place.

The pontipines are TOTAL bitches, seriously all they ever do is gossip all day long when they are not trying to lose their children.

Have you noticed that the Wottingers have the same amount of children as pontipines ? Is it strange or just a coincidence.

The social services definitely need to pop in and have a chat with the mum and dad Pontipines because they don’t care about the safety of their kids. I have witnessed the some of the children outside on top of the Ninky Nonk. Whilst the other children inside the Ninky Nonk don’t bother with a seat belt. Clearly the parents don’t give a rat’s arse about their safety.

The Pontipines parents are not very nice to their children, when they eat dinner they always eat dessert whilst their poor children eat grobbles, unfair much?! Also, the parents go home without their children, taking no responsibility for them at all.

Where the creators of INTG on drugs coming up with the idea of haahoos, they are so fucking scary. Super large, bright coloured inflatable, weird sounding and moving closer and closer to come and get you.

Macca Pacca clearly is suffering from OCD, not only is he cleaning all the time but he is obsessed with stones, stacking them and actually sleeping with one stone each night in his bed.

Macca Pacca looks lost and lonely wondering around ITNG, where are his parents? Is that why he is suffering with mental illness?

The most hilarious thing about ITNG is the perspective, for example Macca Pacca is super small in the Ninky Nonk compared to Upsy Daisy. Then when Macca Pacca and Upsy Daisy are chatting outside in the greeny they are so much closer in height.

Why does that ball never stop bouncing, I mean come on.

SO, as you can see INTG has a lot of talking topics and make question what the fuck is going on.

Cheers for reading X

Funny memes to get you through the day

Hey readers,

I let you into a little secret… I love a good meme, whether I am in a bored mood, where I need something to do kill some time. What I also like about meme’s is a majority of the humour is based on situations that I can relate to anyways, which makes it even more funnier I feel.

Alternatively, if I am feeling blue laughter is a way to take my mind of my pain going through my mind. So, I have picked some corkers to share with you and I hope they make smile or even better laugh out loud.

 

meme-1

meme-2

meme-4

meme-5

meme-7

meme-8

meme-9

meme-10

meme-6

meme-3

Cheers for reading X