Emotional

Hey readers,

This week has been

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Because I have had a nasty cold and cough and that allow makes you feel ugh. I just haven’t got the energy and there is always something you need to be doing. I did manage to go on a family walk on Saturday with the family, which I really enjoyed. I am glad I pushed myself to go out as I really didn’t want to. The fresh air and taking photographs is two of my favourite things to do, so doing that really helped lift my mood.

I have also been on my period this week as ladies we all know what a pain and emotional wreck that can be. My anxiety is through the roof because of it. At least it is done now for another month, silver linings and all that.

I hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

Getting to know you tag

Hey readers,

I got tagged by the lovely Confessions of a new mummy to do the get to know me tag.

When was the last time you cried? Today, I am due on and appears that smallest of things can trigger me for no reason, bloody hormones.

If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself? Yes, I would.

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Always, life is much better-having sarcasm in your life.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? Their face, ironically even though I tend to get confused with facial expressions as I have autism.

Scary movie or happy endings? I suppose scary movies but more in the sense of mind f*ck with Psychological thrillers, horrors bore me now I am older. However, when I was a teenager I used to love them!

Favourite smells? The smell of washing coming in from the line, an open lit fire, when you come home after a holiday.

What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home? Spain.

Do you have any special talents? Procrastination!

Where were you born? Coventry.

What are your hobbies? Blogging, vlogging, poetry, reading, colouring in, photography,

What did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to work in a morgue and get the dead ready for the funeral.

How many countries have you been to? Four – Ireland, Spain, France and Germany.

What was your favourite/worst subject in school? My Favourite was History, Geography, English Literature. Worst – maths and P.E.

What is your favourite drink? Tea.

What would you (or have you) named your children? I don’t share my kid’s names online however, I would of loved fleur just because I love the way it sounds.

Who are some of your favourite YouTubers? I love commentary videos and people that make me laugh. Pyrocynical and H3H3 productions are brilliant for light-hearted, sarcastic p*ss take.

How many boyfriends have you had? less than 10.

Favourite memory from childhood? evening walks or playing in the garden late on summer evenings.

How would you describe your fashion sense? Whatever the f*ck can fit into, being a size 22 sucks but that result of medication else I would kill myself otherwise. I try to find stuff I like but with funds it is hard. I definitely am a sucker for a slogan tee!

Tell us one of your bad habits? bidding my nails, technologic, insomincac, worry wort, socially awkward.

I tag anyone who wants to join in 🙂

Cheers for reading X

Rough patch

Some days are tough, struggling with anxiety seems a constant battle. The intrusive thoughts are so exhausting for hours they constantly battering my eyes with there nonsense. But in that moment it feels real and the thoughts of escaping are wanted.

I want the noise to stop so I can think more rationally.

I am going through a period of chronic anxiety triggered by my medication being reduced. I just got to keep going, riding the storm when it feels like I am drowning.

I’ve been here before many a time and I know I can get through it. It is just sticking with it through the highs and the lows. Which I know the sound of highs is a bit odd idea but actually having highs is also part of crippling anxiety. I can be laughing so intensely like a manic and the next petrified. It is exhausting but writing it down helps clear my head from all the murky mess that revolves around all day long.

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoia and anxious. 

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I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don’t do small talk and the things I think about to talk about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

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I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, in this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability makes me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don’t worry I won’t but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ‘ believe’ others think. 

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I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role, because I view success on where I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can’t I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confided in a wheel chair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down. I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judge me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, but it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis less children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

What does depression look like

Hey readers,

Below is a picture of myself taken today.

me

You could say I just look a normal everyday person minus her eyes being shut. You don’t think oh my God she looks like she has depression because you know what I do.

People always assume that if you are smiley or cheery then somehow you can not possibly experience depression. Well, news flash you can and furthermore, it can strike at any age, background or social mobility status because depression doesn’t pick who it wants to cause this nightmare mess inside your brain.

Anyone can experience it, at any time in their life. It can last weeks or years and definitely something that you can not physically measure, much to the disapproval of the government.

My point being is that some days I laugh, I cry, I hate and dread and all the other messy emotions that life has to bring. But also I have this mental battle, some days are OK and I manage. Other periods are short spells and then if there is too much stress in my life then can be several months where the black dog doesn’t sod off. He creeps around like a stalker catching me every time I am venerable or exposed to stresses in life. It sucks and there is nothing I can do but plot on. For me, it is a chemical imbalance mixed with stress and managing with my autism. It sucks and yes I smile but please be aware that I can mask like the rest of them.

We need to stop presuming that depression only affects certain people and that it is more grey than black with how it is presenting to the outside world. So just be mindful that there maybe someone smiling but deep down they are internally dying and hating everything that their life is.

If you are experiencing depression then do check out some really good quality articles about depression then please do check out BetterHelp free advice section.

Cheers for reading X