Now I am a mum I have learnt…

Hey readers,

Isn’t parenthood wonderful, since being a mum I have learnt so much. I know it is cheesy, but it so does change you as a person. Let me inlight you with the things I have learnt from being a mum.

Since being a mum I have been constantly thinking I am so tired and the fact there is nothing more appealing than spending a whole day in bed, could you imagine?!

Motherhood changes you for the better, you grown and learn skills. For example patience and how to speak more simpler, which are brilliant skills to master in my eyes.

Swan, Swan Babies, Baby Swans

Sadly, you slowly learn the hard lesson that having children is expensive. This particularly came more apparent when my eldest started school.

Kids are noise and your poor little ears will be battered with the ongoing squabbling.

The washing basket will never be empty again and you take so much pleasure in completing washing

If you get to sleep till 8am you are privileged. I am also going to say that when you do have the lucky chance to sleep in, you will soon be greeted with sods law knocking on your door as you are so internally trained to wake up so early, you mind has suddenly thought there is some serious emergency.

sad spongebob squarepants GIF

Guilt is there 24/7 and you doubt everything, no matter what anyone says you constantly question the decisions you make.

You will inevitably turn into your mother, there is no escaping – whether it be moaning that you are constantly tired or you got adopt them catchphrases such as, one more time, wait until your dad gets home.

No matter how many books you read, there is no one perfect answer. Changes are things change and popular ways of parent constantly shift. I learnt this when I had two children.

 

knows best mom GIF by 505 GamesCheers for reading X

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Rough patch

Some days are tough, struggling with anxiety seems a constant battle. The intrusive thoughts are so exhausting for hours they constantly battering my eyes with there nonsense. But in that moment it feels real and the thoughts of escaping are wanted.

I want the noise to stop so I can think more rationally.

I am going through a period of chronic anxiety triggered by my medication being reduced. I just got to keep going, riding the storm when it feels like I am drowning.

I’ve been here before many a time and I know I can get through it. It is just sticking with it through the highs and the lows. Which I know the sound of highs is a bit odd idea but actually having highs is also part of crippling anxiety. I can be laughing so intensely like a manic and the next petrified. It is exhausting but writing it down helps clear my head from all the murky mess that revolves around all day long.

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoia and anxious. 

alone

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don’t do small talk and the things I think about to talk about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

alone 2

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, in this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability makes me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don’t worry I won’t but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ‘ believe’ others think. 

alone 3

I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role, because I view success on where I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can’t I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confided in a wheel chair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down. I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judge me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, but it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis less children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

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Buying Instagram Followers

Hey readers,

I am going to be quite open and frank about this, potentially viewed as controversial BUT a lot of people do it.  That thing that I am talking about is buying Instagram followers and so many people that have spoken to have suggested it, I won’t name them because I am nice like that.

instagram follow

So I thought I would give it a go, why not, in for a penny etc and see the effects it has on my social media stats etc. So I brought 4000 in total, the problem is I have an addictive personality and always get that love for that instant hit. But here is the thing yes stats went but so what, the initial excitement of just getting likes/followers was a buzz at first, I can not deny that. But then I hated it because it did not feel organic and like a typical addictive personality it was short lived.

insta

Yes there is loads of numbers but it didn’t feel right and lost interest very quickly. I used to prior buying followers enjoy the fact that people out of the own free will with no temptation come to my pictures like them and if I am lucky then they may follow. That is what I miss, the honesty, even if I didn’t have much of a follow, I felt good about myself. Not dirty and dishonest. Hence why I deleted my account and set a new that would grow naturally.

sad

So, from my own curiosity it is not worth the money, it is short lived or properly I am guessing can get very addictive and artificial. If you have like me too many feelings then it really is not worth in the long run. To much hassle and then you loose the Instagram love. I definitely safe my money and spend it on crap from Poundland instead.

Cheers for reading X

 

What does depression look like

Hey readers,

Below is a picture of myself taken today.

me

You could say I just look a normal everyday person minus her eyes being shut. You don’t think oh my God she looks like she has depression because you know what I do.

People always assume that if you are smiley or cheery then somehow you can not possibly experience depression. Well news flash you can and furthermore it can strike at any age, background  or social mobility status, because depression doesn’t pick who it wants to cause this nightmare mess inside your brain.

Anyone can experience it, at any time in their life. It can last weeks or years and definitely something that you can not physically measure, much to the disapproval of the government.

My point being is that some days I laugh, I cry, I hate and dread and all the other messy emotions that life has to bring. But also I have this mental battle, some days are OK and I manage. Other periods are short spells and then if there is too much stress in my life then can be several months where the black dog doesn’t sod off. He creeps around like a stalker catching me every time I am venerable or exposed to stresses in life. It sucks and there is nothing I can do but plot on. For me it is a chemical inbalance mixed with stress and managing with my autism. It sucks and yes I smile but please be aware that I can mask like the rest of them.

We need to stop presuming that depression only affects certain people and that it is more grey then black with how it is presenting to the outside world. So just be mindful that there maybe someone smiling but deep down they are internally dying and hating everything that their life is.

Cheers for reading X