Ongoing minefield of parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I lie in my bed at four in the morning and I am just staring at the ceiling and my tummy is filled with dread. My thoughts are filled with fear and I wonder how I am going to get through another day as a parent.

I don’t feel confident at all and I am always questioning everything. Sometimes, I get annoyed with my husband, how he could allow me to be a parent when I am totally useless. I am always tired and things seem to take a long time to master. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again.

I am now sitting in my son’s assembly hall waiting and feeling yet again that familiar feeling of being a true outcast or black sheep. This feeling is not new to me, it comes frequently where I feel like I am an outsider looking through the glass where I just can’t reach through. It feels so close yet so far away.

There are other times when I get jealous of my husband, he can just get things and communicate really well. I am sitting back permanently struggling and my tummy is in knots with anxiety. He does try to understand my neurosis bless him but he is the complete opposite of me. I watch on as he mingles and just gets these social rules that I seem to get muddled and fail all the time. I just get things, or I am just anxious state of a person. That is one good thing about summer holidays even though I am dealing with the change but not having to think. I over analysis I know but at least it gives me a break where I don’t have to feel completely sh*t again. I know I will never be one of them, good parents that I so desperately want to be, I mess up it is a natural talent of mine. I just get so fed up with it all and after takes its time. It hurts deep and it so damn frustrating. It is a minefield and just getting through the day is a challenge in its self. The thoughts that trigger me are so strong, they keep me awake and let me everytime my downfalls. I just need to a breather, time away and not to think that would be totally blissful.

I remember when I was pregnant dreaming of being this type of parent that would swim into motherhood like flies to poo. Sadly, it hasn’t happened, to delusion, I am nothing that I expected. I thought I would be good at communicating because I was living this role as a mother that it would all somehow come to place. That I would have this maternal instinct. The only thing that I am good at it appears to be is hanging up the washing and creating random fun stories for my boy. It is not much, I am never good at small talk but I take it now and I got to learn to accept the situation for what it is.

Cheers for reading my ramblings X

Depression and parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I feel that on my blog I should not discuss depression as I am so ashamed because that is what society makes me feel like at times. I have always been embarrassed to say that I take anti-depressants and that in-turn makes me feel weak. But deep down I know that my depression is a genetic and chemical reaction, it doesn’t make me a bad person because of it.

Truth be told as a parent with depression there are days when I hardly do anything, the only thing I attempt is to the bare minimum for my children. Once the children have gone to bed it allows me time to cry from all the build-up sadness and frustration from the day.

Some days are better than others, but now again I get dips and need that extra hand from my husband. For instance, I struggle to deal with the social side of taking my children to nursery or school. It is not always just the socialising but the physical environment is so hard for me to manage. I literally feel so suffocated and overwhelmed by the sensory stimulation that is happening in the room. I am autistic on top of all this and usually, I can find that it interacts with the depression.

Therefore heightened social situations can make me feel rubbish and can contribute towards me beating myself up for not being a good enough at being a parent because I am not like all the parents. It tends to result in me coming home and breaking down. I feel rubbish and tend to just want to sleep in order to escape the reminder of my shortfalls as a parent and person.

Other times, I struggle with dealing with the temperament of my children or talking about topics such as death, as this can trigger my OCD. No one teaches you how to communicate to your child and some days I just have to admit to defeat as it is too tough for me to deal with and hubby would have to take over.

When I am going through a dip in my mood I can spend the whole day dragging myself down, I physically feel on edge and know that after all this there is going to be a massive panic attack. I hide away from my husband, as I am not good at communicating at that moment, I don’t instantly have the words to say. I feel therefore this risks the changes of irritability between me and my husband. I don’t like being touched for a cuddle, I just need the time for me to mope and allow the emotions to pass. I don’t want solutions, I try lots of things but at that moment I just need to be. I don’t run form it anymore, at the end of it, I kind of feel better out of my system.

It helps me feel calmer and my body feels like it is being heard.

Sometimes, the best thing is to accept it at that moment, don’t find solutions because at the end of the day it is something that you can deal with at a later date when your mind is in a clearer state. I have learned when you are that emotional, nothing makes sense and I tend to make the wrong decisions so it is better for me to not make any decisions at all during my ‘meltdowns’. I feel now that I have learned how I react and what is best for me is less painful and it allows me to feel more in control ironically.

Cheers for reading X

I wish….

Hey readers,

Do you wake up and feel the dread in the pit of your stomach. You wonder how the heck you are going to get through the day, the hours feel long and you feel like you are battling through. Everywhere you look people look like they have their sh*t together and you are in this dark place. You want to hide and run away but there is this dark cloud that follows you everywhere you go.

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There are times when I question everything and consider would it be better I wasn’t here. If I died would my boys have a better life? I wouldn’t but sometimes these thoughts pop up when I doubt myself, everything goes wrong and I am just tired of fighting. I just want to hide for a bit. I wish I could run away from myself but no I am stuck with this bag of rubbish.

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I lie in bed and go over everything. I beat myself up with doubt and knock myself down with criticism. I am angry and hate my autism. It makes everything crap or hard work. I don’t feel a natural mother and sometimes truth be told I get angry at my husband for allowing me to have children. Having depression as a parent is tough, I wish I could switch it off. Sometimes the depression lies to me, or my judgments are all wrong. I doubt everything. it is a battle and I wish I could just go out for a walk and it is gone, but mental health is not like that.

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Sometimes I am OK and other days I can barely get out of bed. Then if that weren’t bad enough there is another battle with all the dark thoughts of guilt I have and quite frankly it is exhausting. I wish I could switch it all off, my thoughts and feelings and just be free like a bird.

My husband struggles to understand at times how I feel, probably because we don’t always have time to talk. That is why in the past I have found it beneficial to seek counselling and something that may be helpful for both myself and husband understand each other better. Do check this article that explains all about marriage counselling, Regain.us.

Cheers for reading X

Days like today!

Hey readers,

I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.

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Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come  knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.

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Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.

I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit.  But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t,  I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child

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 Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!

Cheers for reading X

Constructive ways to manage parental burnout

Hey readers,

This week I have been really burnout and depressed. I feel alone and somewhat embarrassed even scared to talk to my partner about worries I constantly have a failure at being a mother. It does not help that I am being judged by external services with being autistic that overtime paranoia and anxiety have built up causing it to interference with my day to day life.

 

I will be honest it scares me to be open about this but one thing that I found helpful was reading other people’s account and getting that sense of solidarity. I have got social anxiety therefore naturally inclined to worry a lot about people’s judgements and fear of failure in front of others. It does not help that we live in a society where mental illness is frowned upon. I’ve experienced it myself which makes you even more scared and you get caught in a trap. So all the blogs and information out there on the internet I am so glad that people are brave to talk about mental health issues.

Anyhow, I am concentrating on ways to help me and thought I would share some of the tools that have helped ease the pressure and reduce the risk of. Not saying that it will cure but it might help reduce the ‘burnout’ that you’re experiencing.

    1. Get in the mode of being good enough, setting a lower benchmark makes you feel more relaxed, less pressured and from my own personal experience, you then get to enjoy the experience rather than worry and get in a state about meeting this unrealistic ideal.
    2. Perfectionism is something I struggle with especially in terms of my image of parents. It is about being realistic and knowing what is achievable. Also learning about moderation and not going from one extreme to the next but being aware that it is OK for instance if the telly on. Plus the telly has actually helped with my son’s speech development and made improvements.
    3. Learn to relax which is one of the hardest things to do. I am one of those catastrophic thinkers and find anything to get anxious about. I have found that not reading newspapers, articles or the news relating to childhood. I found it hard as it is not black and white and so many variables that influence behaviour. That does not me from focusing on just the one element rather than looking at the whole situation. It has resulted in me getting obsessive to an unnatural amount. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and if I am that worried I speak to the health visitor. I have found to focus my time on reading books or trash magazines, colouring in grow up adult books (cause I’m cool) and focus on walking. All these distraction techniques have helped me relax and not be so obsessive ability my parental anxieties. It is good to have something other than parent related activities in your life as it gives you chance to think about others and reduce the stress.
    4. Identify the positives as it just makes you feel good. It is so important to make sure you are aware of the good in life. It can be hard to do as you can get caught up in the spiral of negative thinking. I have brought a line a day diary that is kept next to my bed so that I can write something positive. Even if it is just one word that is a starting point.
    5. Know you’re not alone, parenting can be very isolating especially with mental health issues. Just reading blogs or looking on specific websites knowing you’re not alone and other people have experienced what you have gone through.
    6. Make time for you even if it is just 10 minutes a day, it will do you the world of good as you are doing something for you and not anyone We all need a break from time to time.
    7. I think communication especially when it involved partners is so important, but it can be difficult. So, why not try couples counselling online, convenient and beneficial to help make better choices when it comes to parenting with a partner. Regain.usexplain more in this article.

Thanks for reading X