Today I feel defeated,
Now it is all poured out,
when will it stop,
I feel the pressure go,
as my wound unfolds.
Today I feel defeated,
Now it is all poured out,
when will it stop,
I feel the pressure go,
as my wound unfolds.
Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel a fool.
It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoia and anxious.
I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever.
I just could not handle it mentally. I don’t do small talk and the things I think about to talk about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that.
I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.
I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, in this moment, I am really down and emotional.
I feel that my response and lack of ability makes me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don’t worry I won’t but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ‘ believe’ others think.
I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role, because I view success on where I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections.
I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can’t I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confided in a wheel chair to just get up and walk. That does not stop me being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down. I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judge me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, but it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.
I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis less children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others what the fortune holds.
Cheers for reading X
I hate people, seriously all they ever seems to do is be fake it. Why can’t people be honest and just tell the truth because you think it hurts peoples feelings. But here is the thing I already know so don’t pussy around the subject.
It sucks being autistic, the constant rejection of people, pretending to be nice when really they don’t give two monkeys.
I am sick of it and sick of this world that I live in. It doesn’t help I am stuck in places where people don’t really know where to put me. Let’s face facts first impressions count and no one likes the awkwardness of the autistic people, it is much easier to just deny us the opportunity. Even though us autistic people would so bloody hard, more so then the average person because we have to,i t’s a fight to fit in when your just totally failing on the outside. I feel lost and I don’t belong, this place feels lonely. Sometimes, I just can’t face it anymore but once again you have to find the strength to get back up again even though you are plummeting into a dark, dark place.
It sucks to have to undergo interviews when clearly they are not autistic friendly and again I feel like my needs are met. Don’t you understand us autistic people can’t cope with question after question without getting burnt out, not to mention the social interaction, it takes all our resources to get through it to then be told that actually we are not looking for people at the moment. But why put me through this hell, what you really mean is your not a suitable candidate, just be honest, at least I know where I stand. Right now I feel insulted and taken for a full. It took all my energy to get out my comfort zone and I am devastated. It really does suck because of the effort I but into these things but never get the opportunities, I don’t know why I bother.
Even as an adult I am always dealt with the hand of rejection and you know what people it sucks, big time for us autistic people to be treated like this. I am just thankful for my blog as it is an outlet when other times I can not muster the words to anyone the pain I am battling everyday. Rant over!
Cheers for reading
I have a confession to make, today was hard day for me mentally, not only am I dealing with my own issues but also them of my son’s. Today he had a major meltdown which left us at breaking point. Not just for me I think, but actually for my husband as well. My husband is normally chilled out and causal about stuff so, it must be pretty bad when he is worried about how he will not only mange with his wife’s autism (he is my carer as well) but potentially his son’s.
I am currently sat in the other room because I really can’t cope at this point with my son’s screaming for over an hour.
We went to visit a butterfly farm locally to us, today, the butterflies are in a massive green house room and can freely flutter by. Here is where the problem lies, my son had a meltdown at this place because he could not cope with the butterflies random movement (which I struggle also struggle with) but had taken medication to physical effects of anxiety). He is 5 years old and is an independent walker however, my husband had to carry him around as the only place where he was calm after the heightened anxiety was where the butterflies were not in one of the other areas. The moment he stepped back into the arena where all the butterflies were that was it again, he just could not cope with it and was panic attack.
All afternoon he has been on a roller-coaster of emotions. But finally he has settled to just streaming and I mean screaming. He literally has to be restraint because of how violent his behaviour has become. He is biting, scratching, hitting, and lashing out and potentially harming our youngest.
Now, I have been on a parenting course where it is frowned upon restraining children. I am very conscious of this. I do not do it under any circumstances but when it is a situation where risk involved and the child is hurting themselves and no other way can help that child stay calm then is not much left we could of done.
Now you are wondering have we been to the professionals to discuss our concerns and the answer is yes, several times. Let me tell you the background, firstly he started school this September so we approached the school to see what his behaviour was like and to ask for guidance. They did observe but didn’t feel any worries. So, we went to our GP, he said to speak to the specialist person. SO we did and filled out our worries on paper, then they would investigate. That was fine, they came back to us I think within the month saying that they have taken on board our concerns but because his behaviour is not affecting him at school that they can not really do anything. However, they did say that come back in a year and see what is behaviour is like and see if any behaviour changes have occurred.
Well that is great help because as most of us know generally children are totally different when they are school, it is a different environment etc. I asked my cpn (community psychiatric nurse) who see’s me for my mental health what his advice is because he may have had experience and what he thinks we should do.
He said that the only path at the moment is through the school or GP. So because my son’s behaviour is masked (because I know for one he copies a lot of behaviour, he is very similar to me. I kid you not my husband always says that talking to him is like talking to me).
So, basically there is no other avenue, because apparently if the child is perfectly well behaved then the child will go through the net but if the child is extreme then they will get the help they deserve. Bearing in mind that these teachers are looking after 30 odd children so they can’t spend long periods of time with them individually. It is just so frustrating right now because we just don’t know what to do but one thing is for sure no seems to care if your not extreme. They see the whole picture and that is what really sucks.
I am writing this so that I can document my journey with my eldest, who knows where we will end up but his behaviour is erratic and there is genuine concern there.
Cheers for reading X
The Tale of Mummyhood
Please don’t mess with my brain,
It hurts and is nontraditional,
it works the way it is designed,
in non neurotypical manner,
I don’t understand the expectations,
so please be kind before assuming,
I am not rude,
I am just confused.
I love my blog as it is place where I can track my thoughts and a way to express any worries I may have. Some things recently I would like to change to help make me life little easier.
Recently I have been struggling with tiredness. It normally occurs around the end of the week and think that it is just because that it is a knock on effect of all the week has on me. I get tired anyway because of how much energy it takes to deal with my autism difficulties. I think just being kind of and not so demanding on myself. Taking it slower is better for me and my health and that is what I want to achieve. I am a firm believer in taking small steps or else it can be risky to lose motivation if I push myself too hard.
I also want to try to be more experimental in the kitchen and try new recipes to help with getting more confident or at least giving hubby a break from the wonderful cooking he does. However, I do love trying new recipes, even if it is just once a week, it really does help with my confidence and esteem when I achieve good results.
Because of my tiredness and anxiety I dip in motivation to go out and about. I am hoping with my YouTube and the lighter days get more encouragement to go out. The thing is when I am out I feel good but my downfall is getting past the first step.
I know so cliché but someone with an anxiety condition it has to be to try not to worry so much. I panic about my parenting and how good I am. Sometimes, just accepting situation can reduce that great big weight of my shoulders.
Cheers for reading X
Why do I feel like a malfucntion,
I feel I am all wrong,
I wish I could rewire my brain,
and start a fresh once more.
It feels so depressing,
having to see the world,
in the wrong way,
or so society tells me.
I can’t hide my flaws,
even though some are good,
this impairments follow me around,
every day I know I will slip,
because I forget,
there is so many rules,
and not enough memory,
to deal with this functioning,
sometimes I have to admit defeat,
I feel like a glitch,
where I just want to hide,
instead of constantly making errors,
through and through this me,
I am a mishap,
even as an adult,
I still make them mistakes,
what am I to do,
but be shaped wrongly,
in a judged society,
that only see one way.
Sometimes I don’t have the energy,
to embrace the day,
to fight this thing called life.
It is more appealing to hide,
In my little bubble,
with no interference,
form the so-called people,
that wide me up terrible.
My head goes into spin,
so I lose my direction,
with no idea,
how to get back in the arena.
All I can do is rest,
Waiting for the moment,
For me to perform.
The front that saves me,
So much heartache and woe,
When my strength appears,
I can get back to fighting levels,
With the armor of safety,
To complete in this difficulty,
Of life and all it’s mystery.
Today I am sharing a review of A Boy Made Of Blocks by Keith Stewart. It is losing based on the authors relationship with his autistic son.
This book has a main theme of Alex who is the dad of his son , called Sam. Sam is a child who is diagnosed with high functioning autism so, he can communicate but to what extend no one is really sure.
Alex has been the main bread winner, whilst his wife had to leave her job to cater for Sam’s needs 24/7. Naturally, this seems to have caused a rift between Alex and Jody due to pressure, stress, confusion etc when raising an autistic child.
As we have found out further along in the book that communication between Alex and Jody was broken down therefore causing Jody to call time on their marriage, for now it was deemed a trial separation.
On that Sunday Alex left the family home feeling devastated, so he moved into a friend’s apartment which was a typical bachelor pad with all the mod cons including an XBox.
Alex gets into a more depressing situation when the mangers at his job have changed and decide that they no longer need Alex as mortgage adviser. Therefore Alex decided to take three month redundancy deal that the company offered as an incentive.
This causes Alex to spirals into depression.
A new arrangement between Jody and Alex where on a Saturday Alex would look after Sam. Normally Alex and Sam would go to the park but this worried Alex particularly as Sam was hostile to other children and very scared of dogs. There relationship is very basic and it is all new for both Sam and Alex where they are on the beginning of journey if you will in finding out about one another.
Jody buys Sam an Xbox and then gets into the game Minecraft. Sam desperately wants his dad to join in. At first Alex sees this of a pain especially as Sam is constantly calling Alex to check every small development in the game.
There were issues that were concerning Alex around technology and whether it was good for Sam to spend such a long time on the XBox. However, this game was a great distraction for Sam as he could totally escape all his worries, especially as he was getting bullied at school for being different. We find out later on in the book that it is quite clear that when dad does get involved playing Minecraft with Sam it sort of strengths communication and building a stronger relationship between father and son.
When Sam is not centre of attention he is more open and thinks clearer without having to worry about talking and what to have to say. Rather, communication flow is more natural between Sam and Alex. This has helped Alex understand his son more better through the game and can be less jumping to ideas bur more empathetic to why Sam does the things he does. I find this such a brilliant insight into knowing about Autism. Sometimes, you need to have some sort of physical activity that is about order and structure to help ease the anxiety for a person with autism and help the communication between two people.
There are obviously other branches of ‘drama’ if you will regarding Alex’s brother who died due to a car incident when Alex was young. The theme around guilt, running away and facing up to things is a big topic at the end. His sister, mum and Alex all learn to face up to doubts and thoughts. With the main notion of communicating their worries can break down the tension and built back relationships instead of hiding for fear of the outcome. This can help the process of grief and moving forward in all the individuals lives.
There is little nuggets of wisdom form Sam and we can learn a lot from Sam with making things simple outlook of the human race. Seeing them as objects and colours that need to fit together.
Overall, it is a heartwarming story and tells the tale of strangers almost rebuilding and strengthening the relationship between families. I love the fact that it is a personal account and feels real rather then just listening again and again to the trible of the professionals.
There is a new book after this one which I will definitely will be reading in the future be as it would be lovely to hear the new developments of what has bee happening in Sam’s life. Especially, as at the end of this book Sam has moved to a new school that specialises in autism.
This book is definitely a must if your interested in autism or want to hear about a autistic parent’s point of view.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes, I struggle to accept that I will always be the outsider on the outskirts looking in. At times it feels really lonely, like I am some kind of alien that does not really fit in anywhere or with anyone.
Even in my own home when I mess up, I feel isolated. It hurts to know that I will always mess up because I don’t have the skills. Whether at home not getting my words right, or in a shop and knocking things over because I am clumsy and have poor co-ordination. There is not a week where I don’r I feel total acceptance with myself and who I am.
Maybe, it is because when I was younger being autistic I was not allowed to express my difficulties and therefore not heard. I felt I could not be open, therefore bottled it all up and masked this person that was not me but thrust upon by others to be that way.
It is horrible when you are left to feeling a fraught. I don’t want anyone to like me but it would of been nice if someone did not judge me and just listen without criticism. Sometimes, all you need is someone to sit and listen without casting judgement. It may only be a small gesture but it makes all the difference to be open and free to express myself.
There are times when my husband gets so frustrated, he wants answers and I can’t always provide or know what I am ‘meant to say. I don’t have the words that I can express myself clearly like he can. It is such a struggle to live in an NT world where you are meant to know your mind and as I am an adult now even more so.
At times I am a child, I am not going to lie about that fact, I need simple things like quite time and a blanket to help get me through the rough ride of life.
There are times feel like I just want to shutdown and stop the noise going on in my head. But being a parent it just feels like I am constantly on a conveyor belt wanting to get off. I am continuously having to adapt and change because my children are developing over a fast period of time.
In childhood it is made up of different stages, each time I have to learn something, I then have to go on and alter the way I am as an autistic parent to suit that situation .
This comes with mighty dips in mood because it is new and therefore it is all learnt and manually wired into to my brain, as nothing is natural for an autistic parent.
It is so hard to deal with the changes that come with raising a child. I am not sad emotionally like some mothers when seeing there child grown up
'oh my I am so heartbroken my baby is a toddler now'
but dealing with the mechanical side. For instance, making sure I speak a certain way that is suitable for the child’s age at that time or another example is learning to find the balance of supporting and allowing the child to be independent. As we all no with autism greyness is somewhat a struggle.
So, you see being an outsider is constant whether it be learning new information, communicating or working on personal relationships. It is non-stop work mentally for me and maybe that is why I get warn out so fast.
Cheers for reading