Happy

Sometimes when I am down and all I can see is dread I hold on to my happy times. They are just memories of good times but though are non-materialistic they cost more in worth then any costly good I have.

Sometimes wherever you look you see sadness and heartache, you can watch the news 24/7 and feel pants. It can be hard to see the light when it so overcast with darkness.

Then random things happy, out of the blue without any warning that take your breathe away. Simple things such as taking a moment to talk to you when others see you as autistic. They see you as an individual and respect what you say. They don’t talk at you or speak in a patronising tone, it is the acceptance and thoughtfulness that can make you smile.

It is the gesture of when your husband allows you to have sleep in when you are so desperately tired after an emotional night that drains you from all your energy.

It’s when a stranger spots you dropped your bus pass (your so busy with your screaming child) and hands it back means so much but such a small act of kindness.

Seeing all the good heroes that just do it, just because they are a good human makes this world much more bearable and happy to be here.

mumturnedmom

The day in the life of a depressive

Hey readers,

Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.

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This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.

Then my brain reminds  me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.

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The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being  stuck  in a situation that I have no  control over.

Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to  be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.

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But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.

Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.

You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.

Cheers for reading X

Why being married is good

Hey readers,

married-couple

Sometimes married life can  be mundane especially with kids involved, you can lose sight of the person. So, today I am going to celebrate why being married is good.

I can be myself, warts and all without feeling a numpty, because I can be a numpty in my hubby’s eyes and still be loved.

You don’t have to do all the whole dating thing and put on this pretence idea of someone who you are not.

Provides safety and knowing that I have support and someone else who helps with the childcare.

I can fart and it is acceptable.

I can be relaxed and have a laff now and again 😉

You have company together and  can watch something you both enjoy.

Having someone to make you tea.

Having someone help when you are too anxious to deal with a situation.

Having a different perspective to yours.

Learning things from them that you would never think of.

Feeling less lonely.

Having the option to say to the children, ‘go and ask daddy’ when you can’t be arsed to answer the 2345 question that day.

Having deep and meaningful conversations.

Experiencing things with that person.

My hubby is someone I can rant, swear and let it all out.

Having a soundboard to listen to my whacky ideas.

Someone I can trust who is reliable.

Having a ying to your yang.

Being allowed to have a cheeky sleep now and again whilst they look after the kids makes a huge difference.

Someone who can help me understand forms and how to fill the fuckers out.

Someone to look after me when I am full of sickness.

Feel like a team that can handle the matter rather then just me tackling it and totally screwing it up.

Cheers for reading X

 

 

 

 

Happiness is 

Hey readers,

There them moments in life that are so simple but make you so dame happy. it here is my list often but I could easily right endless amount.

  1. Having an early night and a real good sleep, making you feel or refreshed and ready to go in the morning.
  2. Kicking autumn leaves as you walk on by.
  3. When you have had a long day put of the home and you return in the evening with a lovely hot, fresh brew ♨
  4. When you find that quid in your pocket that you so desperately need.
  5. Having a hot bath and getting into fresh sheets 🛀
  6. When your husband lets you have a lie in.
  7. Not having to rush about in the morning, having a slow day.
  8. Not behaving mummy guilt and feeling confident about parenting.
  9. Having lots if ideas for your blog.
  10. Getting your nails painted perfect first time around.

Cheers for reading X

Blogger pressure 

Hey readers,
I love linkies and think that they are a great way to connect. BUT dame they are hard work and yes it is lovely that you do get some comments in return. But over the past few weeks I have struggled and started to hate blogging, I  know gasp.

Firstly, they are so dame time consuming. Ok I have realised I go a bit over the top with how many linkies I do each week and feel now is the time to cut back. I just constantly feel overwhelmed and bogged down by it all. It is bloody hard work to constantly keep on top and feels like I am on a convey about never having the time to stop and breathe. I be honest I have lost sleep over it which is really silly in reflection. This i because for me blogging originally was a void of something I missed that I lost. It was a time of great confusion and hard hitting on me and my family. I lost trust and faith. I needed something to help lift me out of a dark place and found blogging was a great distractor during my dark period. I digress but it did help give me some focus. But like always I am never one to do anything in moderation. I am easily get  sucked in and then got lost and exhausted.

It is my own doing but I get so taken over by trying to please people especially when they remind me on Twitter or email. Then feel really feel guilty if I have not taken part in their linky that week. I know there is nothing personal and standard procedure but to me I can be too dame conscientious and really I need to sort out my battle in my own head.

I need to chill out, stop worrying and re-kinder my love for blogging. It has helped me tremendously and I don’t want to lose that.

The intrusive thoughts spurred on my ocd nature thieves form it and believe me I have some serious dark thoughts that probably no one even thinks about. So ludicrous that I can end up in this pathetic web of  internal lies that is all my own thoughts but so addictive that draws you in when you are most vulnerable.

I have started to be more relaxed, blog when I want, link when I want and if it all gets too much step away and have a break. It is hard to see past the moment of where you are especially when you dealt yourself constantly. I need to learn to just take blogging with a pinch of start and remember to just enjoy the ride and fuck the rest of it.

So yeah this post has helped me think more clearer and write down some of my struggles. I am sure it is part of the process of working out what you want and how to achieve that. Blogging is such a massive learning experience that in the beginning you would never ever imagine. It has really helped give me confidence and a voice. So that is where my next step is going yo lie

I set no goals just having a way of blogging that suits me and my lifestyle. I l have learnt after reading so many different blogs on peoples opinions on  blogging/blogging life/ goals/achievements and what I am coming to the conclusion is there is no is no right or wrong way of blogging but it is what you want out of it. That is beauty of blogging and why it is great as there is so much variety for different people. So the message kids is just enjoy the ride…

Cheers for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks