Waiting 

The waiting is the hardest,

Not knowing,

No answers,

Just holding on. 

I have no control,

I am left stranded,

My future is in there hands. 

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My boy of late…

Hey readers,

I have a confession to make, today was hard day for me mentally, not only am I dealing with my  own issues but also them of  my son’s. Today he had a major meltdown which left us at breaking point. Not just for me I think, but actually for my husband as well. My husband is normally chilled out and causal about stuff so, it must be pretty bad when he is worried about how he will not only mange  with his wife’s autism (he is my carer as well) but potentially his son’s.

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I am currently sat in the other room because I really can’t cope at this point with my son’s screaming for over an hour.

We went to visit a butterfly farm locally to us, today, the butterflies are in a massive green house room and can freely flutter by. Here is where the problem lies, my son had a meltdown at this place because he could not cope with the butterflies random movement (which  I struggle also struggle with) but had taken medication to physical effects of anxiety).  He is 5 years old and is an independent walker however, my husband had to carry him around as the only place where he was calm after the heightened anxiety was where the butterflies were not in one of the other areas. The moment he stepped back into the arena where all the butterflies were that was it again, he just could not cope with it and was panic attack.

All afternoon he has been on a roller-coaster of emotions. But finally he has settled to just streaming and I mean screaming. He literally has to be restraint because of how violent his behaviour has become. He is biting, scratching, hitting, and lashing out and potentially harming our youngest.

Now,  I have been on a parenting course where it is frowned upon restraining children. I am very conscious of this. I do not do it under any circumstances but when it is a situation where risk involved and the child is hurting themselves and no other way can help that child stay calm then is not much left we could of done.

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Now you are wondering have we been to the professionals to discuss our concerns and the answer is yes, several times. Let me tell you the background, firstly he started school this September so we approached the school to see what his behaviour was like and to ask for guidance. They did observe but didn’t feel any worries. So, we went to our GP, he said to speak to the specialist person. SO we did and filled out our worries on paper, then they would investigate. That was fine, they came back to us I think within the month saying that they have taken on board our concerns but because his behaviour is not affecting him at school that they can not really do anything. However, they did say that come back in a year and see what is behaviour is like and see if any behaviour changes have occurred.

Well that is great help because as most of us know generally children are totally different when they are school, it is a different environment etc. I asked my cpn (community psychiatric nurse) who see’s me for my mental health what his advice is because he may have had experience and what he thinks we should do.

He said that the only path at the moment is through the school or GP. So because my son’s behaviour is masked (because I know for one he copies a lot of behaviour, he is very similar to me. I kid you not my husband always says that talking to him is like talking to me).

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So, basically there is no other avenue, because apparently if the child is perfectly well behaved then the child will go through the net but if the child is extreme then they will get the help they deserve. Bearing in mind that these teachers are looking after 30 odd children so they can’t spend long periods of time with them individually. It is just so frustrating right now because we just don’t know what to do but one thing is for sure no seems to care if your not extreme. They see the whole picture and that is what really sucks.

I am writing this so that I can document my journey with my eldest, who knows where we will end up but his behaviour is erratic and there is genuine concern there.

Cheers for reading X

Dear Bear and Beany


The Tale of Mummyhood

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

 

Why, why, why?

Hey readers,

I am sitting here by myself because it is half term and my eldest has been a terror to put it politely. Sometimes I end of the day feeling so frustrated that I just wished to be let free in a room full of China. I am not sure how I am going to cope through the two weeks without the break, I am sure we get through it but at the beginning of the holiday I dread it.

Why is it I try my  bestest to do something with the sprog and then all he does is pushes mine and hubby’s buttons. It fucks me off, I try and it results in fights and mayhem. He encourages the youngest to throw pens and then the youngest gets boisterous and rips the paper. Then pulls of as many Christmas decorations as possible from the Christmas tree on purpose and the eldest thinks the most hilarious thing to do is pull his trousers and pants down, he is laughing his head off and no one is laughing, fml!

Today just feels like my eldest is in a destructive mood and will go out his way to be a pain in the arse. No matter how much time I give him or get things to do, he is having none of it. I don’t know whether he is not getting warn out like the days he is at school where he can get over stimulated. Almost like an uneven balance of stimulation. Right now I am so pissed off with it all. I am pissed of with myself for getting so emotional about such stuff. I know it is a cliche but you do the worst thing and compare yourself to all the perfect parents on the internet. Why can’t my children be so chilled like other people’s children without turning it into a scene and making me feel totally deflated and a crap parent.

I am sat here writing this close to tears with rage. I have come on adult time out if you will because if I don’t then I will literally blow my top off. Seriously, today I am just struggling with parenting and knowing where to reach that balance. It doesn’t matter how many threats or putting on time out, my son is in that ‘mood’ where he is just not playing ball.
This may make me sound an awful parent but that the thoughts that cross my mind is why do I bother with all this stress when I maybe as well not bother. It could so simpler for me to not care, not to be engaging and just stick the TV on 24/7 and be done with it.  At least I wouldn’t have to deal with the challenging behaviour.

All I can say is some days being a parent is shit, I know awful but true. I am not perfect and sometimes dread it and can’t wake till the end of the day when I have break and my brain gets given a change to think about anything.

Cheers for reading X

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