The day in the life of a depressive

Hey readers,

Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.

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This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.

Then my brain reminds  me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.

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The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being  stuck  in a situation that I have no  control over.

Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to  be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.

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But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.

Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.

You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.

Cheers for reading X

Fluid

 

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Sometimes these feels can come and flow for hours without stopping. I feel I am stuck this way but something out of the blue happens and it vanishes, just like that. It feels like it just melts away and some other sensation takes over the reins leading m to feel a certain way. I know these may be an excuse but it feels like an unconscious invasion when really let’s face facts it is all my own doing, I have no one to blame but me and my responses to situations. The emotions are so erratic at times I worry.

simple ways to be mindful

Hey readers,

You don’t have to be deep in mindfulness to appreciate the beauty of mindfulness. You can take little bits of practice and apply to your everyday life.

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I suppose the first thing is to understand what mindfulness, well basically in a nutshell it is being in a mental state where you are present and mindful of the moment. But also accepting and acknowledging any feelings or thoughts that the person has.

One of the ways to use an activity such as colouring or anything really that involves concentration can help, as well as it being creative can help visitation technique.

Stopping what your doing and focusing on the breathing. If you have a trail of thought accept that and focus on a thought or feeling that you may have, or it could be looking at something in detail in the room. This can bring back being aware of your surrounding and slowing down the thoughts. It can help give you time to think a bit more clearer as well.

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Another mindfulness practice is to concentrate on the body part that is holding tension and focus releasing that tension. The best thing to do is to sit somewhere quite and comfortable where you can focus on scanning your body where you feel tense, then allow that body part to relax and let go of that tension. This can give you more knowledge of where you might hold tension and also give you sense of listening to your body and working with it to help reduce the anxiety.

Overall, the main idea of mindfulness is breathing, being aware and concentrating on listening to your body, in-turn being mindful of what is happening. However, not necessarily responding in anyway.

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I myself am not a total convert to mindfulness but I take some practices and adapt them to my life. I have found over the months mindfulness to be beneficial especially when I feel like I am not in control.

I hope this has been enlightening and maybe you want to give it a go. As I said I am no practitioner in it but if you want to look further in detail you can find more information here.

Cheers for reading X

Energy Within

Sometimes I don’t have the energy,

to embrace the day,

to fight this thing called life.

It is more appealing to hide,

In my little bubble,

with no interference,

form the so-called people,

that wide me up terrible.

My head goes into spin,

so I lose my direction,

with no idea,

how to get back in the arena.

All I can do is rest,

Waiting for the moment,

For me to perform.

The front that saves me,

So much heartache and woe,

When my strength appears,

I can get back to fighting levels,

With the  armor of safety,

To complete in this difficulty,

Of life and all it’s mystery.

 

 

Creeping 

The fear is creeping in,

The dread is left open,

I feel I am out of control.

I have no one but me,

To save me in this place.

I feel locked in and jittery,

Like a rattle,

That won’t stop,

My body is in overdrive,

But please won’t you stop.

If I could just chill out,

Instead of working over time,

No one has done this,

But silly old me.

Back to square one,

Here I go,

With no direction to go.