Silly things my mind has told me

Hey readers,

I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.

So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.

  • Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
  • such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
  • My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
  • My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
  • A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.

The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.

Cheers for reading X

Bag of nerves 

Here we go again,

Shaking like a leaf,

My bag I’d full of anxiety,

Too distressed for all this,

I’m so tense,

I fear I may snap,

I can’t stay still,

I’m on the move,

I’m so scared,

Nothing is worse,

Then this battle within.

I feel flustered and jittery,

The shakes won’t go,

Till I wear me down 

So much so,

The exhaustion 

Acts as a buffer,

Till it starts all over again,

My neurotic mind 

Reaches new levels,

I  am afraid of the future 

Wondering when

It will stop. 

Prose for Thought

Letter to the lady in the resturant 

Hey Lady,

Yes I see you give me evils, I know what your thinking, how dare I bring my child to the restaurant and the check of it to let it scream blue murder. I know your children are perfect sitting there ignoring each other with there electronics. I don’t care normally, but when you judge me, I will judge you. Your subtle involvement is merely rude and unhelpful. I am a parent of two young children and they are not perfect nor is my parenting. Yes they make noise but that is there right and sometimes it can get out of hand. However, us parents are trying to deal with the situation and stop the horrendous noises. Your judgement really is unhelpful to say the least.

You see we were travelling back home from a long day visiting relatives and it was bank holiday. My hubby really wanted an Indian and to be honest he is a bit of foodie. I on the other hand much prefer McDonalds with children, at least no one judges you when your child if it decides to have a tantrum.

But why can’t we eat in a restaurant, there is no law that says we can’t. We are just left to feel rubbish because we are not performing seals. I know you would love us to ‘control’ our child but I am too liberal for that carry on. Why should I hide behind doors or feel ashamed my child is not perfect, he is three for God’s sake and can sit no longer then five minutes if we are lucky. But he needs to learn the rules of the game, needs to test his boundaries,more important mummy and daddy need to fucking eat and this is the only place to get food this time of the day.

The tuttering doesn’t help anyone and you are not squeaky clean here either. You are four adults getting pissed further and further into the night and making your own ridiculous loud volume. Now, this doesn’t normally bother me but if you keep looking at me every other second, it bothers me. you made me feel shit and a bad parent. I am no one near perfect but for I try, and nothing is worse for someone with social anxiety to feel that they are constantly being judged. So next time please think about your actions, you may want instant action but it has left me feeling pretty crappy and desperate to escape, much to the annoyance of my husband.

Next time I am not asking you to be my friend,  all I want is you to try to be a little more understanding, it would make a huge difference. It would break down the whole judgement that seems to happen frequently when we go out to adult type places. Giving parents with little self confidence the encourage to go out with the child. Even if it is just to a restaurant to eat without feeling judged.

Yours sincerely,

the mother with the screaming, over tired and not always having the vocabulary to express himself three year old.

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