Shhhhssss

shhhhsssss,

Sit still,

Don’t make a peak,

Hear your heartbeat,

It is racing,

You are guard,

Waiting for it to happen,

Don’t carry on,

Just wait,

Fear will get you,

So don’t do anything,

Keep waiting,

For something 

That will never come.

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Outsider

Hey readers,

Sometimes, I struggle to accept that I will always be the outsider on the outskirts looking in. At times it feels really lonely, like I am some kind of alien that does not really fit in anywhere or with anyone.

Even in my own home when I mess up, I feel isolated. It hurts to know that I will always mess up because I don’t have the skills. Whether at home not getting my words right, or in a shop and knocking things over because I am clumsy and have poor co-ordination. There is not a week where I don’r I feel total acceptance with myself and who I am.

Maybe, it is because when I was younger being autistic I was not allowed to express my difficulties and therefore not heard. I felt I could not be open, therefore bottled it all up and masked this person that was not me but thrust upon by others to be that way.

It is horrible when you are left to feeling a fraught. I don’t want anyone to like me but it would of been nice if someone did not judge me and just listen without criticism. Sometimes, all you need is someone to sit and listen without casting judgement. It may only be a small gesture but it makes all the difference to be open and free to express myself.

There are times when my husband gets so frustrated, he wants answers and I can’t always provide or know what I am ‘meant to say. I don’t have the words that I can express myself clearly like he can. It is such a struggle to live in an NT world where you are meant to know your mind and as I am an adult now even more so.

At times I am a child, I am not going to lie about that fact, I  need simple things like quite time and a blanket to help get me through the  rough ride of life.

There are times feel like I just want to shutdown and stop the noise going on in my head.  But being a parent it just feels like I am constantly on a conveyor belt wanting to get off.  I am continuously having to adapt and change because my children are developing over a fast period of time.

In childhood it is made up of different stages, each time I have to learn something, I then have to go on and alter the way I am as an autistic parent to suit that situation .

This comes with mighty dips in mood because it is new and therefore it is all learnt and manually wired into to my brain, as nothing is natural for an autistic parent.

It is so hard to deal with the changes that come with raising a child. I am not sad emotionally like some mothers when seeing there child grown up

 'oh my I am so heartbroken my baby is a toddler now'

but dealing with the mechanical side. For instance, making sure I speak a certain way that is suitable for the child’s age at that time or another example is learning to find the balance of supporting and allowing the child to be independent. As we all no with autism greyness is somewhat a struggle.

So, you see being an outsider is constant whether it be learning new information, communicating or working on personal relationships. It is non-stop work mentally for me and maybe that is why I get warn out so fast.

Cheers for reading

Hit The Curb!

Hey readers,

I wrote a poem about feeling overwhelmed and the thoughts that feel so scary they take me to a dark place where I feel stuck and suffocated. I have little confidence which at times due to my autism, I question everything because I constantly I am messing up and misinterpreting causing me to self-doubt absolutely everything. Sometimes it is just the things that have acclimated over the years which after trying so long make me want to breakdown. It eats my guts up and have turned everything into something more deeper then it really is. So, when everything feels like it is broken down and I can’t verbally master the skills, I write, it might be incoherent, it might not be written well but at least it is raw and from the heart.

 

 

Sometimes I just hit bottom,

staring into oblivion,

my mind is broken,

when communication has failed,

sometimes i’m not strong enough,

I crumble deep within,

I doubt everything 

Nothing is what it seems,

I am screaming inside,

but no one can hear me call,

I am locked in this mess,

pleading to get out.

Communication is weak,

it’s all mangled up,

trying to make anything clear,

is unreachable right now.

 

 

Cheers for reading X

Prose for Thought

Spectrum Sunday

Ten rubbish thoughts

Hey readers,

Today I feel really depressed and shitty. I have been really struggling with being a mum this weekend. Dread has overshadowed everything and  I constantly have that feeling that my throat is being pulled (God dame you anxiety).
I have wrote down my negative thoughts as a way to realise them as you feel so guilty feeling this way.

image

1) I am shit mum who can not wait till bedtime so I can stop thinking how to entertain children.

2) I want to run away and hide and go somewhere quite so my head can switch off.

3) I am a pathetic excuse fo a mother that can’t even manage a day by herself without support from my husband.

4) I hate life.

5) what the fuck I meant to be doing?!

6) I am not a natural at this, ffs!!

7) I can not cope with intense periods of time with a person, I need to be sectioned.

8) I am going to get a visit from social services as I can’t be bothered to get the paint out.

9) The TV has been on way to long today, my children are going to have damaged relationships later in life.

10) Who in there right minds let me be a mother.

I wrote this when I escaped to my room for a break as I was an emotional wreck. I now realise ny thoughts are a bit far fetched. Nonetheless this is what goes on sometimes and I feel pants because of it. Some are my struggles are down to not being naturally equipped with the right skills as I am autistic.

Cheers for reading X

Everything Mummy

 

You Baby Me Mummy
Life with Baby Kicks
A Cornish Mum