Wide awake 

Hey readers,

i t is 4:47pm I have been awake for a good three hours. I have split my medication up so have it during the day as my anxiety is so high with change and Christmas. However, i is totally screwing up my sleep pattern.

I feel sick and emotion. I have just sat here crying and wondering yet again why did someone let me have children. I am not designed for children, I love the idea of them but having them for long periods and trying to deal with my own mental battles is draining.

I am sad because my son has said in a report that he has to go with daddy because mummy can’t cope with me. this breaks my heart. I should tell that now that it is very, very likely my son is autistic himself.

I suppose from this meeting one good thing has come out and that is some actually support for my son. He really struggles with coordination and getting referred to the occupational therapist for help with holding his pencil. The school has also noticed that he struggles with emotions (though we knew already) but he is going to get help with understanding

then guilt comes knocking in the door and I think I have 12 hours with kids and I have to fill orc that time in. I know it is silly but that my thought goes over and over.

It is tiring and I make my situation worse for feeling guilty for being autistic.
I just find it hard at times, I am feeling so sad with trying to stay strong, I just feel I am not good enough and maybe I shouldn’t have children because I am not maternal enough. I can’t be super mum and do all the things most do without it being hard of my eldest has additional needs so add that to the mix it is hard work.

Maybe I am just low because of Christmas and worried about what will happen with my pip assessment. I am just scared of life at the moment as it is all unknown and the panic is just there.

Cheers for reading X



Why is it 

Why is it 

I feel numb 

Or crying 

But never anything


Some days 

I feel like a robort,

When the next day,

I feel everything. 

Worthless autisitic 

This evening has been tough, it real has been a battle within my own mind. My husband has boxes everywhere,  there is crap everywhere and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t escape as the doors are closed and only I am confined to the living room as it is not safe for my children to go into any of the other rooms.

There are boxes near the front door, I feel suffocated and angry. Today I feel I am not designed to live in this neurotypical world. I am not suited to living with people and there crap, it is everywhere and there is no order.


My eldest has had major meltdown and screaming matches to add it all into the mix. My ears are ringing. My anxiety is making me shake like a leave. I want to cry but my depression makes me feel so numb. I wish I could just run away, this parenting malarkey is shit. No one cares. I am alone and I just want to switch over. I am struggling with noise, the lightning just all the information. I want my brain to shut down, I want this noise to go away. I want to run away instead I am stuck looking  at these four walls and thinking what have I done to my life.

I hate my autism, I don’t care what you think. Days like today I wish it would go away, instead it is always there. How am I meant to feel good about this? what bit of this is good?  I feel rubbish and worthless piece of crap and it seems everything I touch goes belly up. I can’t read or communicate correctly. I just don’t see the point, I just want darkness or just some quiet. My world is full of noise and want it to stop so I can breathe.

Cheers for reading X

10 Ways to deal with anger!

Hey readers,

I get frustrated a lot because of my autism. I tend to then result in going down the angry root, easy and it gets rid of that pent up energy. That being said it can have consequences and yes some angry can be good, not for me I use it wrongly. I have however over the years learnt slowly to redirect that angry into more productive ways. So, I am going to share with you ways that have helped me deal with anger.


1. If you can go to your room and punch a pillow it will do wonders and stops any angry.

2. Go out for a walk and get away from the stressful situation.

3. Write down them frustrations, you will be amazed at how therapeutic after it is to clear the thoughts from your head.

4. Count to ten, especially when in the moment. I find that when doing it stops the instant rage and can give you that breather to think clearer.


5. Walk away from the situation and give yourself time to calm down.

6. If it is something you need to make a decision or impulse give yourself time before doing some rash when you are not in the frame of mind to make a clear decision.

7. Anger tends to mask another emotion such as hurt, depression, sadness. It can be easier to be angry as a defense mechanism in order to protect yourself. If you can speak to someone whether be a doctor, friend or family member that you can trust to discuss deep feelings and allow them to come to the surface instead of being suppressed, may be a real benefit for your mental health long term.


8. Do some physical exercise like running, swimming or whatever tickles your fancy. to get rid of that frustration can do  the world of good for your health.

9. Keep a journal of how you feel when anger occurs. Overtime you can evaluate what kind of things trigger the anger.

10. Have a plan in place for when the anger comes so you know what you can do when the anger occurs. You will tons better because you are taking action of managing your control and if it is anxiety based knowing how to respond or what triggers it can help you feel better about dealing with the situation.

What kind of things help you when experiencing anger?

Cheers for reading X