i t is 4:47pm I have been awake for a good three hours. I have split my medication up so have it during the day as my anxiety is so high with change and Christmas. However, i is totally screwing up my sleep pattern.
I feel sick and emotion. I have just sat here crying and wondering yet again why did someone let me have children. I am not designed for children, I love the idea of them but having them for long periods and trying to deal with my own mental battles is draining.
I am sad because my son has said in a report that he has to go with daddy because mummy can’t cope with me. this breaks my heart. I should tell that now that it is very, very likely my son is autistic himself.
I suppose from this meeting one good thing has come out and that is some actually support for my son. He really struggles with coordination and getting referred to the occupational therapist for help with holding his pencil. The school has also noticed that he struggles with emotions (though we knew already) but he is going to get help with understanding
then guilt comes knocking in the door and I think I have 12 hours with kids and I have to fill orc that time in. I know it is silly but that my thought goes over and over.
It is tiring and I make my situation worse for feeling guilty for being autistic.
I just find it hard at times, I am feeling so sad with trying to stay strong, I just feel I am not good enough and maybe I shouldn’t have children because I am not maternal enough. I can’t be super mum and do all the things most do without it being hard of my eldest has additional needs so add that to the mix it is hard work.
Maybe I am just low because of Christmas and worried about what will happen with my pip assessment. I am just scared of life at the moment as it is all unknown and the panic is just there.
Cheers for reading X