Invisible me

Hey readers,

I an feeling agitated. Yet again I have experienced a person’s small-mindedness over mental health. I hate the fact that there is this notion of mental health whereby if you can’t see a physical alignment then surely there is no problem.

I feel I have to justify myself to some people when talking about depression. I hate it when an ignorant person says things like, ‘oh I can’t tell’ or ‘ your smiling’. I had to grid my teeth, but I am livid.

I hate media that portray mental illness in a certain way just to sell a paper. Don’t they know we all individual and on our journeys, with our own experiences.

Just because I smile doesn’t mean I am doing that inside. Truth be told I frequently have thoughts about killing myself. The only reason I am on this planet is for my children. dramatic? yes but true. I have to keep muddling through this rubbish world where there is discrimination everywhere you turn. I am constantly greeted with barriers making me hate myself even further.

The more cuts to services the worst. I hate research is only paid out to the popular and easier methods, making insight and understanding skew… most information out there is done by a controlled method. They don’t know everything hence why they keep changing it all the time. New conditions pop up, symptoms swap about. All this is influenced by the stupid selective research which is the trickled into mainstream society where the inorganic and discrimination is continued.

Still, I smile even though I ache. because let’s face it money talks. Money may not buy you happiness but it sure does buy you power. Power is knowledge. So, before you make a judgement take a step back and listen to the suffering. Because they know best. They know how they feel not the person who quickly makes that assumption.

Cheers for reading X

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I live with depression

Hey readers,

I have had depression for a number of years. The severity of it has fluctuated from mild to very clinical (ultimately wanting to kill myself, that I could not be left alone and was looked after by my husband).

Candle, Replacement Lamp, Lantern, Light

For a long time, I would try to find a cure, because I am honest I didn’t want to be labeled depressive. People assumed that I didn’t have a sense of humour all I was stuck in a dark corner wanted to die. Let me tell you one thing I have had a job and wanted to kill myself. I have had panic attacks in the toilet,  no one knew about. That is the thing it can be a very private affair, some people do not suspect a thing. Now everyone breaks down to everything (that is not a bad thing if you do, it is just the fact that it is more overtly obvious that someone thing is not quite right).

Black And White, Pond, Plant, Nature

I always hated having depression for a long time, I thought I was weak and I should keep everything quiet. I wanted to vanish. These days I don’t want it to vanish, I just accept that it is part of me. I can have months of bad episodes, I cry every day and what not. I feel not afraid of it that appreciate it is there because you know what life isn’t peachy, it is shit. I feel the darkness around me, I take it as it is, I know what I feel. I don’t change it, I just right with it. It is comfort in one sense like it is trying to find of dealing with the feelings, it might be viewed as constructive, but it is me trying to survive and hang on. I can feel mostly depressed, sick in the stomach but still laugh and tell a joke, It is not simple, it is complex because it involves emotions and there never black and white.

Black And White, Magnolia, Blossom

I feel less pressure on myself to get better, it is not that I don’t want to help myself, it is more awareness and just feeling the feelings. If I want to cry, I have that panic attack and I don’t mask it. I take it with both hands and giving it that place to just be. I don’t wish it away, I don’t want it as some sort of luxury handbag. I just am mindful of my feelings more. You know what it is ok to have depression, I am not weak, I am more emotionally aware of how I feel. That is the thing with time it has taught me how I work.

Cheers for reading X

What I like about Christmas

Hey readers,

Can you actually believe that we are in DECEMBER, its true! Let’s get in the festive spirit and things Christmas related.

On the big day you can eat your body weight in calories and drink the booze until your sozzled on the sofa.

Kids are not allowed to stay they are bored. because how can they be bored with that amount of new s**t!

 Normally tat is frowned upon, but the brighter and more daring the decoration the better Christmas vibe it brings!

Xmas, Christmas, New Year, Holiday

Finally something half decent is on TV and I am not even talking about Netflix, I am just talking about the ‘normal’ channels.

All the stand up DVD’S come out!

There is nothing more beautiful than having candles on and watching the twinkly lights in the evening.

Now I have children I have an excuse to read the Beano and feel the love once more.

Background, Christmas

Roast potatoes lavished with goose fat, why?… ermmm because it is christmas and I can do what I like and no one will bat an eyelid!

Christmas toilet roll, can you get anymore festive.

I find it really therapeutic wrapping presents, especially when I have the radio on in the background and a good old alcoholic drink in my hand, really helps me get in the mood for Christmas.

Having family of my own to share it with, at one point in my life I had no one. So, I feel truly blessed to be able people that I can call my own and celebrate with.

Using Father Christmas as a threat to keep your little ones in order I am going miss when it is over.

Santa, Polar Bear, Christmas, Snow

Seeing the magic in your kids eyes and that lovely innocent excitement on Christmas Eve.

Having snuggles with the boys on the sofa Christmas eve and watching Channel four special film they do every year (seems to be a tradition in our household).

Cheers for reading X

 

Tough

Hey readers,

This week my word is:

TOUGH

for many reasons but for starters lets indulge in a bit of self pity. It was that time of the month where my hormones were going absolutely mental and quite frankly I got a bit bat shit crazy. If I am not laughing maniacally then I am crying in the pillow or biting my husbands head off. I literally need a week alone away from any humans, the hell of being a woman!

I went to my husband’s uncle funeral and pleasantly surprised at how well my eldest coped. He really struggles with social situations and new environments. Luckily we only had to deal with a couple of meltdowns, which for him is really good.

My boys were happy as we got to explore a new playground, however, the youngest decided to jump from a high up climbing frame, even though we said no he still did it. The noise before the landing was epic mind, he is fine though and fingers crossed it might of taught him not to be blinking super man (well at least for a little while anyways, lol).

Cheers for reading X

 

Waiting 

The waiting is the hardest,

Not knowing,

No answers,

Just holding on. 

I have no control,

I am left stranded,

My future is in there hands.