Shouty Mummy

Hey readers,

Today I lost my cool, I have had enough of bickering, the noise, my  anxiety and just generaal fucking life. I scream becuase I can’t cope, I don’t know what to say to husband, who trys be the reasoner, who quite frankly pisses me off becuase he is better then I will ever be.

I am useless, all the parent training, all the promises have gone straight out of the windown yet again. I am full of shit.

I can’t communicate anything to anyone, I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. I mean  honestly who gives a fuck about mega bricks.

I am angry at the kids, at the husband at me for losing a stupid letter. I misplace everything and can’t get it together. My life has fallen apart at this moment.

I never get anything right, I make empty promises.

I try to be calm next time,

I try to listen next time,

Instead I am full of wasted air.

I try not to let my anxiety get in the way and do stupid activities that are not ideal or convenient because I  can’t be rational. I can’t work things out like most people can. I have to do something then and not later. I push, push, push! Story.Of.My.Life.

I lose my shit, get angry have a meltdown and escape to my bedroom leaving everything like a world war there zone and my husband can deal with the aftermath of my force.

I am a useless piece of shit that expects too much from everyone. I have no patience, I am too literal and always fuck up! I constantly question why I had children, am I fit mother and just dealth everything I do. I find it hard to imagine how breeze through parenthood whereas I feel a total mess at each stage of the journey.

This is me.
Thanks for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks
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Secondary Primary Caregiver

Hey readers,

This week has been somewhat challenging. My son has been sick and my routine has been changed. I am autistic therefore find change difficult, not to mention long periods of time with my children is hard and mentally draining for me.

Now I do have my husband as my carer due to my disability. As we are both are at home we can split the care if we wish. It allows me to have a break . However,  when I do I feel  a break I am left feeling dreadful and guilty.

Why do I feel like this? well, because I feel I am not competent in being an adequate mother. I fee like a failure, maybe it is because I feel like I have been conditioned to feel like this.

I know there was an interesting drama on the telly some time ago, reflecting on real life situations of parents who are disabled and the fear of social services taking their children away.

I worry about what happens when my husband, God forbid dies in an accident, would social services take my children away? In one sense I would be doing more jobs like cooking etc. So, maybe I may just deal with it and I wouldn’t have as much time to think and reflect, therefore not feeling as bad.

One professional who I discussed my  fears with regarding the situation about if hubby dies. She was very comforting with her words, saying that I would just deal with the situation and readjust to a new routine. I probably get some additional help. She works closely with social services and worked with other individuals with additional needs. She did say I had to be really bad to get my children taken off me. She knew that I worked really hard, open to professionals and I wasn’t as bad as I feel inside my own head.

Why do I feel scared then? I feel that I am autistic and Like I would be judged for my downfalls, even though sometimes my autism can enhance my parenting!

The guilt eats away at me, I feel I should be working that bit more harder as an autistic parent to make up for my incompetence. I feel I should focus more on my child. Of course there are times when my husband is not around and I look after both children and funnily enough there is nothing bad that happened.

It is the battle I feel that I have to fight every single day. I dread some days because it is only me who is beating myself mentally for not being good enough parent. I feel as I am secondary care giver and that my role is not good enough. Even though I working my ass off and having to do more things consciously that others would take it like water of a ducks back. I blame myself for having to have breaks and not for feeling better after. The guilt that I should be enjoying being with my child and not wanting to escape. But at times that is just what I want to do. Escape form the noise and having to focus all my attention on the child. Having to work overtime to plan and to perform in the correct manner. It is so exhausting and sometimes I just want to stop thinking.

Sometimes I feel that I am not worthy of being a parent because of my autism. I will influence there development and if anything goes wrong then I blame myself for not being good enough.  It is easy to get in this cycle especially if you have low self worth. You feel isolated as there is not enough support for autistic parenting. We don’t fall under the mental health or learning disabilities section, meaning that we are stranded, stuck and confused. That is how I feel. Being in a neurotypical world I am constantly battling and sometimes it is just my thoughts, other times I feel there are real barriers that hinder my performance.

Cheers for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks
Spectrum Sunday

Anti- Homework

Hey readers,

One of the things that pisses me off about school is sending children home with homework. Firstly, I believe we should stop homework because kids have a long day at school learning, why then come home to do even more work. Let’s give children a break and allow them to play and let them wind down. I think if the child has to constantly be meeting deadlines to get work completed then it could  lead to lose of enthusiasm to learn. I know that people are more willing to learn when they are less under pressure.There is the risk of cheating by copying each others work in order to get the work done.Therefore getting rewarded for false work which really doesn’t help anyone in the long term.

How much arguments are meet through parents having to deal with an additional responsibility of getting the kids motivated to complete their work. There is not enough time in the evening and it can cause potential fiction between child and parent.Homework reduces the amount of family time spend together, it is important to have quality time with the family and to socialise.

A different reason for being against homework is that the child for a large. portion of the school day is sedentary. So, to come home and then be made to sit down for even more time is not really good when instead they could be having fun and doing some physical exercise.

There is no real link that homework increases learning or grades*. Causing unnecessary pressure and frustration for child and parent. There is no real cleat link to say that homework increases the chances of a child gaining better grades.

My child is exhausted form coming home from school as he uses all his energy to learn, concentrate and listen to instructions. To then try to get him to complete his homework is pretty pointless. He is halfhearted and not really concentrating because of being so tired. I feel it is important that when he is at home that there is that time to relax. So, there is a clear and definite break from education. Children need to have time to wind down and relax. It helps them sleep and not be overactive with keeping their brain wired for long periods. Not to mention the fact that if they are more calmer in the evening they will sleep better and feeling fresh in the morning to be more motivated to work on the education at school.

I am all about learning but I think there should be a balance between learn and play. I think with homework included in the mix of a school day it is unevenly balanced. I don’t really feel it is healthy nor necessarily to include homework in the curriculum. Sometimes you get the feeling that it is more about meeting targets then the actually child’s development and health.

Cheers for reading X

*”What research says about the value of homework: Research review.” The Center for Public Education, web. 17th February 2007.

 

Life with Baby Kicks

Ten thoughts when waiting in a queue

Hey readers,

I am terribly British as I love a good moan and I have a hatred for queues. As we are fast approaching Christmas it can only mean one thing, mass of people shopping which then incurs bigger queues, joy!

Image result for shopping queues shop

 

So here are some of my thoughts that have entered my mind whilst moving my feet about and admiring the sweet section near the tills in a massive queue.

  1. How dare anyone other then me be here. They have a fucking check.
  2. Seriously, I have just lost half an hour of my life when I could be spending that time at home stalking on Facebook.
  3. Why did I just not simply use Amazon, FFS!
  4. Should I or should I not buy some chocolate when I reach the till.
  5. Life sucks.
  6. At least while I am here I don’t need to bother with  housework or anyone nagging at me. I can just get sore feet from standing around doing sweet F.A.
  7. Do I really need this stuff, yes of course my life depends on having some cheap emoji socks to brighten my mood.
  8. I curse my husband, how dare he reuquest me to buy stuff from the shop. He will pay, mwahahahahaha
  9. Why the fuck is there no signal, I am so not shopping in Sainsbury’s anymore, cunts!
  10. OMG, I can not believe this shop does not have wifi. Don’t you know it is a human right and now I am cut from human excisitance even though I am surrounded by people it is SO totally different. I need to know what is going on in the social world, what coffee people are photographying or the brilliant cat gifs that are emerging on the web. I think I may need to go to hospital as my arm feels cut of from not accessing the internet for 20 mintures, I am getting serious bad withdrawals.

Cheers for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks

Charity At School

Hey readers,

 

pudsy

My son received a letter this week about BBC Children In Need day, where you can come to school dressed up in something spotty and raise money  for the occasion. My problem I have with this is that I am against school trying to a) push parents into giving and b) in making a child feel isolated if they do not join in.

With regards to a) my problem is I believe people should have a choice and not be forced by peer pressure in order to feel included. What happen if the parent is skint they can’t afford money nor can they meet the requirements, i.e having anything spotty. I know some people who are so stressed about such events that they lie and call in sick due to not having the money to give. When will school be actually about education and not about charity. I am all for charity but I think it is wrong to do it in a school setting. The child has to be there as it is the law so why don’t we stop the charity and do it in a location where the person has the choice to attend or not.

It never stops with the charity raising in school and again I think this wrong.  Some organisations whom I don’t trust certain charities to fully give money to the direct charity, which I believe they should because that is the whole point. But that is a different post entirely.

Another point I would like to put forward why is some fundraising  allowed and who gets to chose which charity is more important then another one.

Where is the the cut off to allowing fundraising in school, it just seems to me a growing number of charity events are ever increasing days and I don’t think it will stop any time soon.

My b) point is I don’t think it is fair especially with schools in more deprived areas who may not have the funds to give to charity in the potential to make the parent feel isolated by not giving. It again can has the risk of making the parent feel even more worthless because they can not provide for their child to participate.

So there you have it that is my argument against all fundraising in a school setting. I am going be brave and speak out as I know this is a controversial but I feel that it needs to be talked about.

 

Cheers for reading X

 

Life with Baby Kicks

Autistic Blogger!

Hey readers,

I hear this term branded around a lot through the bloggershere called ‘tribe’, to me it feels like we are back in the playground. Maybe because I don’t really connect to people the same way others do because of my autism. It makes me feel maybe a bit isolated or that I am missing out on a better support network.
The big question is, do you need a tribe of people to connect with to empower and motivate you? does it make you more successful? these are the kind of questions I think about. I suppose it depends on what you really want and need from people, I guess. For me the whole tribe business makes me feel like a failure yet again at life, it is another point score if you are in with the right crowd and for me being autistic that will never be. Yes OK if your autistic should you be worried about having such feelings of loss and for me yes it does get to me at times. It would be nice to bounce ideas off with others but the fear of rejection is much stronger. I don’t really have an answer. I think it is really down to my state of mind having an influence when I am engaging in the social media platforms.

Sometimes you get a feeling to be a successful blogger you have to be in some kind of tribe with others. It is a real shame I feel as you not always getting merit for your work but in who you know instead. Fairplay to people that do, because it takes a lot of additional work other then just writing content to making a blog successful. A major factor is engaging in social media as a form of communicating with the audience or attending events that help achieve recognition and achievement statues. Sadly, I don’t feel I will ever truly get to grips connecting on such a level, but that is ok because I do have a disability that limits me. Whether I like it or not, somethings I can improve, somethings I can’t but having the knowledge to accept that is a milestone for me personally.

Sometimes, you get what you put in and for me I can only do so much before I have pushed past my threshold and want to collapse with mental exhaustion.

Until you start a blog and work on social media, you really don’t realise what hard work it is with keep plugging away and reaching out. As they say nothing comes for free.

One major attribute that influences my performance or connecting to people is communication. It is like the backbone of autism. It plays such a huge role on and off line. My brain is overloaded as it is with all the rules I need to remember. I stick to the rules that I can follow and it is not the ‘norm’, it’s controlled and I don’t feel I am being rude but maybe I am being very rigid and not flexible with my thinking but then again that is an effect of my autism interfering it’s ugly head.

It would be wonderful to have someone to connect with but I don’t feel it is important right now but maybe next week I may different about the whole thing. But sadly autism is selfish and it hinders you. It never leaves you or lets you forget that there is a big influence there right in your brain controlling your interpretations on everything that you are exposed to. It really sucks at times but other times it is the fuel that keeps my fire burning inside of me.

OK, I have bitched and have been a moany cow so I am going to focus on a positive here. People aren’t aware of how much I have come along in my improvements in myself. Blogging has given me a voice to express whatever I feel I want to share. When I am having a meltdown it has been a tool to distract me from all the things going one and stops me getting overloaded when I can simply focus on just writing. It has calmed me when I have been so angry I have wanted to explode. It has helped me to understand myself who I am and try to take on board other people’s perspective (which is a real struggle at the best of times). It has taught me on a basic level how to have simple conversations and it further help me develop as a person with autism.
So, what is the point of this ramble, well I am just trying to find away to accept me with my disability. I want others to understand particularly what it is like for female adults with autism.
Who knew blogging would be such a learning journey to think about yourself and where you are in the pecking order even though I don’t really know what I want. I think if I look internally I want to feel accepted from others, though I don’t know whether that will ever happen. Maybe I just feel really lonely and a bit sad today when I see others in the world can just make friends and excel verbally. I seem to fall over at the first hurdle. It is hard as blogging is so social and if you want to grow networking is crucial I feel.

For me personally most of the time I go about my days winging it and trying to keep my head above water whilst others speed pass by me.
That my readers is what my personal take is of an autistic blogger in a social climate in the blog world.

Cheers for reading X

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When tiredness hits

Hey readers,

This week has been a tough week for me with change particularly as both boys are back at school/nursery. So tiredness has been in full bloom and affected me very much so. It annoys me tired and here is my reasons:

  1. I can’t get anything done as I am so tired. makes me miserable when I think all about my bed when I have an endless list of tasks that have left uncompleted.
  2. Makes me over the top with emotions. One minute really happy followed instance with tears, boo!
  3. I have to remake stuff as I make errors particularly the all important tea making when I accidentally put coffee in the cup, ffs!
  4. You can’t think straight and nothing makes logical sense.
  5. You question yourself about everything and want to hide away.
  6.  All your body aches with the exhaustion and lifting things kills.
  7. Nothing becomes more sexier then a nap.
  8. Really affects my self esteem over a long period and influences my depression.
  9. Long periods of tiredness can cause me to lose joy in everyday activities. It is hard to put a mask on to the world.
  10. Low energy and inability to be creative with ideas on things I want to achieve.

 

Cheers for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks

Blogger pressure 

Hey readers,
I love linkies and think that they are a great way to connect. BUT dame they are hard work and yes it is lovely that you do get some comments in return. But over the past few weeks I have struggled and started to hate blogging, I  know gasp.

Firstly, they are so dame time consuming. Ok I have realised I go a bit over the top with how many linkies I do each week and feel now is the time to cut back. I just constantly feel overwhelmed and bogged down by it all. It is bloody hard work to constantly keep on top and feels like I am on a convey about never having the time to stop and breathe. I be honest I have lost sleep over it which is really silly in reflection. This i because for me blogging originally was a void of something I missed that I lost. It was a time of great confusion and hard hitting on me and my family. I lost trust and faith. I needed something to help lift me out of a dark place and found blogging was a great distractor during my dark period. I digress but it did help give me some focus. But like always I am never one to do anything in moderation. I am easily get  sucked in and then got lost and exhausted.

It is my own doing but I get so taken over by trying to please people especially when they remind me on Twitter or email. Then feel really feel guilty if I have not taken part in their linky that week. I know there is nothing personal and standard procedure but to me I can be too dame conscientious and really I need to sort out my battle in my own head.

I need to chill out, stop worrying and re-kinder my love for blogging. It has helped me tremendously and I don’t want to lose that.

The intrusive thoughts spurred on my ocd nature thieves form it and believe me I have some serious dark thoughts that probably no one even thinks about. So ludicrous that I can end up in this pathetic web of  internal lies that is all my own thoughts but so addictive that draws you in when you are most vulnerable.

I have started to be more relaxed, blog when I want, link when I want and if it all gets too much step away and have a break. It is hard to see past the moment of where you are especially when you dealt yourself constantly. I need to learn to just take blogging with a pinch of start and remember to just enjoy the ride and fuck the rest of it.

So yeah this post has helped me think more clearer and write down some of my struggles. I am sure it is part of the process of working out what you want and how to achieve that. Blogging is such a massive learning experience that in the beginning you would never ever imagine. It has really helped give me confidence and a voice. So that is where my next step is going yo lie

I set no goals just having a way of blogging that suits me and my lifestyle. I l have learnt after reading so many different blogs on peoples opinions on  blogging/blogging life/ goals/achievements and what I am coming to the conclusion is there is no is no right or wrong way of blogging but it is what you want out of it. That is beauty of blogging and why it is great as there is so much variety for different people. So the message kids is just enjoy the ride…

Cheers for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks

Ten reasons why I hate being a woman.

Hey readers,

Sometimes as a female it is hard, it sucks and frustrating. Here is my ten reasons why I hate being a woman (sometimes).

  1. You have to have a period every month and not only is physical matter but it messes you up mentally as well. Then when you are pregnant you think you can miss this.oh no wait until after you are cursed with a period for 28 days,  full on heavy wirh a new born, joy!
  2. So much pressure to be a certain way and we get so much judgement from the outside.
  3. Having to deal with the bitchiness of the sisterhood(not all women mind).
  4. Having to wear bras is horrible and so dame uncomfottable, ugh!
  5. Child birth is hell and painful. Just image a watermelon coming out of your fufu.
  6. Can’t take your top off in the hot weather unlike the other species.
  7. Hormones are hard to deal with.
  8. If you kick off or in a bad mood people put it straight down to ‘ time of the month’.
  9. Social stereotypical pressures, just becuase I am female does not make me a good parent or any idea as to what the hell I am doing.
  10. Running for the bus and your bangers bouncing about. Seriously, if I could chop them off I would they are merely an inconvenience.

Cheers for reading X

Life with Baby Kicks
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Barbie is a k**b!

Hey readers,
I will be honest  with you here I think Barbie is a k**b and she is not a very good role model for youngsters. I have stated my reasons below ⬇ ⬇ ⬇ ⬇ ⬇ ⬇ ⬇ ⬇ ⬇ ⬇

 

BARBIE TAKE 2.jpg

  1. She is so vein, all she seems to care about is what she looks like.  Given girls this warped up sense that to get anywhere in life in order to be popular you have to be pretty.
  2. Barbie has unrealistic expectations around body image.  She makes out that you can be or do anything you want as long as you are blonde, tall and skinny.  To me this sends out a negative message and can cause anxiety. Lets not forget the dodgy ratio which us so ridiculous it is laughable.
  3. She is so sexualised and it is about looking sexy with the short clothing, heals and tits out, come on let girls be girls, childhood is short lived so let them just have fun and and be innocent.
  4.  Barbie does not look her age, she is 57 years old people !and in really life properly would have some serious surgery to keep her youthful looks.
  5. Her feet are not designed for heels 👠 which is a bit weird anyway. Let’s face it flat shoes rule, fuck you beauty standards.
  6. Barbie dolls make out they are thick and have little intelligence. Let’s look at an example; Mattel brought out a book which features Barbie in it called I Can Be A Computer Engineer. Which portrayed Barbie as lacking the skills to know what the hell is happening and a need to constantly rely on male classmates for help.
  7. She things she is perfect in everything but this bollocks as we all know that perfection is NEVER going to happen as it does not exist!
  8. She is materialistic and all she cares about is buying clothes, cars and having a good time. Shouldn’t we be teaching kids more deeper stuff instead money makes thew world go round.
  9. She has weird body ratios that are mind boggling. Her neck is super long. Her legs are longer then her arms by 50% compared to normal a average women only being 20%.  Her 16 inch waist would leave only room for the liver and a few inches of intestines. You get the idea of just a the few examples I provided.

So yeah, Barbie sucks and OK dolls are for imaginary play so therefore some leeway. But there is Barbie programme now sadly which I have sat through. All I get from this programme is how pretty I am and look me. This clearer is being televised for young viewers to watch which as they clearly venerable at that cage with getting sucked in the message of these stupid ideas. It can have psychological effects with anxiety and self consciousness with who you. So, even though Barbie may come across as in innocent toy be very careful of the subtle messages she sends out.

Cheers for reading X

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