Depression and parenting

Hey readers,

Sometimes I feel that on my blog I should not discuss depression as I am so ashamed because that is what society makes me feel like at times. I have always been embarrassed to say that I take anti-depressants and that in-turn makes me feel weak. But deep down I know that my depression is a genetic and chemical reaction, it doesn’t make me a bad person because of it.

Truth be told as a parent with depression there are days when I hardly do anything, the only thing I attempt is to the bare minimum for my children. Once the children have gone to bed it allows me time to cry from all the build-up sadness and frustration from the day.

Some days are better than others, but now again I get dips and need that extra hand from my husband. For instance, I struggle to deal with the social side of taking my children to nursery or school. It is not always just the socialising but the physical environment is so hard for me to manage. I literally feel so suffocated and overwhelmed by the sensory stimulation that is happening in the room. I am autistic on top of all this and usually, I can find that it interacts with the depression.

Therefore heightened social situations can make me feel rubbish and can contribute towards me beating myself up for not being a good enough at being a parent because I am not like all the parents. It tends to result in me coming home and breaking down. I feel rubbish and tend to just want to sleep in order to escape the reminder of my shortfalls as a parent and person.

Other times, I struggle with dealing with the temperament of my children or talking about topics such as death, as this can trigger my OCD. No one teaches you how to communicate to your child and some days I just have to admit to defeat as it is too tough for me to deal with and hubby would have to take over.

When I am going through a dip in my mood I can spend the whole day dragging myself down, I physically feel on edge and know that after all this there is going to be a massive panic attack. I hide away from my husband, as I am not good at communicating at that moment, I don’t instantly have the words to say. I feel therefore this risks the changes of irritability between me and my husband. I don’t like being touched for a cuddle, I just need the time for me to mope and allow the emotions to pass. I don’t want solutions, I try lots of things but at that moment I just need to be. I don’t run form it anymore, at the end of it, I kind of feel better out of my system.

It helps me feel calmer and my body feels like it is being heard.

Sometimes, the best thing is to accept it at that moment, don’t find solutions because at the end of the day it is something that you can deal with at a later date when your mind is in a clearer state. I have learned when you are that emotional, nothing makes sense and I tend to make the wrong decisions so it is better for me to not make any decisions at all during my ‘meltdowns’. I feel now that I have learned how I react and what is best for me is less painful and it allows me to feel more in control ironically.

Cheers for reading X

Benefits of practising silence

Hey readers,

There is so much noise around whether on TV, phone, tablet whatever there is constantly things that are grabbing our attention.

Sometimes it can really get to me and that is why it is important to take ten minutes a day along in the quiet to just be without any distractions.

I have started doing this a few months ago and I will be honest at first I did find it really hard with having so many racing thoughts. But over time it gets easier with practice.

Silence,tree,snow,white

I find taking time out each day really helps me appreciate the moment and slowing down. It gives me that time to just stop and breathe. I simply do nothing and it is really relaxing to just let go.

I lie on my bed (that is my favourite place to be) I turn everything off and close my eyes and let whatever comes into my head slip away. I forget about it if it is important it will come back to me.

Silence,landscape,panorama,sea

I think it is a real skill to learn to be present and at the moment, even if it is just for a small percentage of the day. The world moves fast and it is to not notice. to just sit and be mindful, to feel whatever it is and just breathe. I am not massively into mindfulness but just sitting and breathing has helped greatly with learning to relax, which funny enough is something I am not very good at.

Silence,prayer,silence,ocean

I have found it to help my anxiety and thoughts by training myself to not feed into them but focus on the sensory of the hear and now. I am learning to let go of the anxiety and knowing that ten minutes of the day is mine to just be, relax and appreciate what is happening right here, right now.

Cheers for reading X

 

Why you should try counselling

Hey readers,

As a person with mental problems, I know the importance of therapy. I have done counselling before. I have found it very beneficial to speak to someone confidentially that I have no emotional connection with.

Why you should consider counselling?

Firstly, it is confidential and as they are professional then they are not emotionally attached to you, making it much easier to be open without fear of judgement.

Knowing that a counseller is experienced in mental health, means that they understand how the mind works enabling you to feel that you are not being a fool but being heard.

It allows that time you have a counsellor to be your space to open up knowing that it is a safe place where you can open up. It gives you that time once a week to focus on yourself uninterrupted therapy allows you to be, you don’t always have to talk but being present can do wonders for your mental health.

Therapy is great if you are feeling alone and isolated, it allows you to talk and feel that actually, you are not alone. There are loads of people who go to therapy and have helped them to deal with the emotional baggage that is holding you back.

Counselling over time gives you back the control to deal with your mental health which will then have a positive impact on your overall life such as sleeping and relationships with other.

Going to a therapist and talking through your concerns and worries can give you better insight into understanding the way you behave. It can be a chance to spot the negative cycles of behaviour and work towards changing the bad habits into positive responses or actions.

Also, sometimes if it can be hard to talk to your partner and having a person who is neutral can help. Couple counselling can be beneficial to help understand each other’s point, I have in the past found it beneficial for me and my husband gave us time to understand one another with the support there. To find out more about coupling counselling do check out https://www/regain.us  for more information.

Here is a good read of an article discussing things counselling.

Have you found counselling helpful?

Cheers for reading X

This post is sponsored. However, all opinions expressed are entirely my own.

Silly things my mind has told me

Hey readers,

I have anxiety and depression and one of the problems with these conditions is that I suffer from intrusive thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are frightening, they are exhausting (for me) they feel and they make me very anxious. They feel real and can potentially turn into a cycle where the thoughts can come quickly. They may be thoughts that are fear induced or down to lack of control., Control is a big trigger for me and my anxiety.

So, now I am going to share with you some of the kind of silly things my brain tries to tell me and trick me into believing.

  • Husband is going to call social services because I have the TV on therefore I am not a good parent.
  • such and such a teacher is watching my every move I make, see if I am capable. They are taking notes and discussing me in a negative light with their colleagues. They are taking the piss out of me because I stutter, I am shaking and crying. They are watching me and judging me because I am fat, I can’t engage. They think I am not a good parent and I shouldn’t look after my kids.
  • My husband is going to die, he is out and won’t come back. He hates me and blames me for everything.
  • My husband when out shopping with the boys, I get fearful especially for long periods that they have died in the car. I am petrified and shaking. I am having very dark imagery thoughts about how the bodies are dismantled in the car, the process of imagining them dying in the car.
  • A parent in the playground is looking at me, talking about how ugly I am. How rubbish parent I am. How socially awkward I am. How retarded my children are.

The examples I have given are just a handful of examples, that have happened in the last couple of days. I wanted to share how horrible the thoughts can be and they are so scary. People assume anxiety is something a bit mandy pandy but it is a struggle. It is a battle every day for me. Sometimes I have better days, sometimes I have worse days. But the anxiety is always there ready and waiting.

Cheers for reading X

Hair pulling and autism

Hey readers,

One of my problems due to my depression and autism is that I can pull my hair out. I link it to sensory purposes as sometimes I am so numb that I want to feel something or hurt myself. I have been knowing to pull and yank my hair when I am very distressed. I have ripped out clumps of hair when I am going through a meltdown or when I am really angry because I don’t always have the communication skills to express myself. Sometimes, I feel that I need to punish myself because I am not a good parent. I hate myself and worry that I am royally screwing up my children because I have a disability and can not always give the opportunities that other parents can give to their children.

I know it is not the ‘normal’ way to self-harm that has been popularised over the years. I get so frustrated and hurt myself due to low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy due to my autism.  I know this is a sad state of affairs but it is true.

I have always struggled with my autism probably because of past responses of parent/carer when I was younger of not being good enough or the adult of my care being in denial and rejecting my diagnosis. Even to this day I still battle with the thoughts frequently.

I have discussed in a vlog before about skin picking but I haven’t mentioned hair pulling because I was in a bit of denial. I feel through the autism community is good online in accepting and promoting praise for the disability. I feel that if you were to pipe up and say actually sometimes I don’t like being autistic, that you might get abuse and people won’t like you. I guess I am not yet that strong to always speak out and be honest about how I am feeling. I think it is something with time and with my confidence in blogging writing it will come out.

Maybe one day I may get so bad that I need to look at treatment to sort out my hair. One way could be a hair transplant. look into hair transplant cost

Cheers for reading X