One of my problems due to my depression and autism is that I can pull my hair out. I link it to sensory purposes as sometimes I am so numb that I want to feel something or hurt myself. I have been knowing to pull and yank my hair when I am very distressed. I have ripped out clumps of hair when I am going through a meltdown or when I am really angry because I don’t always have the communication skills to express myself. Sometimes, I feel that I need to punish myself because I am not a good parent. I hate myself and worry that I am royally screwing up my children because I have a disability and can not always give the opportunities that other parents can give to their children.
I know it is not the ‘normal’ way to self-harm that has been popularised over the years. I get so frustrated and hurt myself due to low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy due to my autism. I know this is a sad state of affairs but it is true.
I have always struggled with my autism probably because of past responses of parent/carer when I was younger of not being good enough or the adult of my care being in denial and rejecting my diagnosis. Even to this day I still battle with the thoughts frequently.
I have discussed in a vlog before about skin picking but I haven’t mentioned hair pulling because I was in a bit of denial. I feel through the autism community is good online in accepting and promoting praise for the disability. I feel that if you were to pipe up and say actually sometimes I don’t like being autistic, that you might get abuse and people won’t like you. I guess I am not yet that strong to always speak out and be honest about how I am feeling. I think it is something with time and with my confidence in blogging writing it will come out.
Maybe one day I may get so bad that I need to look at treatment to sort out my hair. One way could be a hair transplant. look into hair transplant cost
Cheers for reading X
Who am I,
I have lost my identity,
I feel I am replaced,
by a robot,
everything seems to function,
The constant checking,
to find a formula,
that appears to calculate,
my need for answers,
end up in a tangled up mess.
I’ve lost my way,
Siting in the dark,
With no words to be found.
Today was a day that decided to take action over something that I’ve been in denial about for a while now and that is an increase in being very depressed. I have OCD so the thoughts are very intrusive and fast firing in my head and constantly checking things so enough is enough. My mood is really low and just a sense of dread, followed with complete sadness.
I am on medication, however for a month or two ago I decided to reduce one medication. I forgot what depression had felt like. When you have been taking medication for so long it suppresses your emotions. Which to be fair has been good as it means you can manage the day but you believe the mindset has shifted therefore believing that you don’t suffer as much.
Another reason why I wanted to reduce my medication is the weight gain. However, I think it is a small price to pay compared to waking up angry/crying/ suicidal etc. I prefer to be fat and less breakdown than the alternative.
So, Today I took action, I spoke to my husband and booked an appointment to doctor to discuss the matter. Hopefully the doctor can alter it, it may fall down to me having to go and be referred to a psychiatrist to get the issue resolved.
Yep, so it is just a ramble but glad I took action. Because it is ok to take medication and it is ok to not be ok. I still even now struggle to be open about my depression. It is hard when mental illness is viewed so negatively. I decided to write my thoughts down as a way to help me and allow other people who may be of interest in reading in this and no you are not allow. It is a fight worth fighting for.
Cheers for reading X