Blog Therapy 

Hey readers,

Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 on the morning.

I am so tearful because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.

recovery 2

I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time.  For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.

I feel a bit suffocated as well being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven’t got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.

suffocated

I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with this thoughts.

I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.

recovery

It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. As in real life I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.

So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don’t feel judged and it is a place where I can freely right without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.

Cheers for reading X

Bringing up Georgia
Real Mum Reviews

Please what

Please don’t mess with my brain,

It hurts and is nontraditional,

it works the way it is designed,

in non neurotypical manner,

I don’t understand the expectations,

so please be kind before assuming,

I am not rude,

I am just confused.

Parenting is hard at times

Hey readers,

Today I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away from the world. I have had a really difficult day looking after a really energetic child. It didn’t help that when walking into town my son decided all he wanted to do was just scream most of the way and chanting that he wants daddy. It is unbelievably exhausting especially as I am so sensitive to hearing because of my autism.

Then in the afternoon I just constantly had to deal with this mental  battle in my head that if I am not entertaining my child 24/7 then somehow I am a rubbish parent. It is a constant battle that occurs in my own head and the sad thing is, is that it is all made by me. No one has told me that I am rubbish, it is just me putting so much pressure on myself, probably some guilt around being autistic and having shortfalls that other parents don’t have to deal with. However, today my anxiety is so high that I am left with a killer headache because I am so tense from my self-inflicted anxiety. I have already had a panic attack and sometimes when so bad I am fearful social services will come and take my child of me simply because I had the TV on to much or I am a bit rubbish at communicating.  It sounds silly writing this down but at the time them fears are real and frightening.

Why is it so hard to find a middle ground, I suppose this is always my problem never really reaching that right balance of moderation. I have always been extreme because that is just simply the way my brain is wired. I am all or nothing, so naturally it would seem down into my parenting. I think because a lot of things is down to not communicating and no ‘rules’ as such I find it difficulty to manage. All the things that I am good at are structure based and have a step-to-step system, it is what I excel at. I am not good at ambiguous. I never have and I don’t think I will ever have the skills no matter how many times I try. SO, basically I need to accept me for who  I am and instead of putting me down, embrace them skills and use them to my advantage,. I think this is one of the biggest learning curves for me as an autistic parent to master.

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But I will say truefully with having such energetic child who will not sit still or does not want to engage in anything longer then five minutes is tough. Especially, when at times where I am by myself and feel like constantly breaking down with fear of how am I going to get past the next three hours?
I hope this stage gets easier and that I can relax and enjoy parenting a bit more and less of a pain in the arse chore that I have to get through.

I feel awful for writing this but this is the truth, this is how I feel at times. Don’t get me wrong other times parenting feels like a breeze especially when there is another parent to help out. But currently with my 3 years old child you it is solid work and really has an ability to have a knack at pushing my buttons.

Cheers for reading X

Ftmob – January 2017

Hey readers,

Whilst drawing in a book for pen control with my eldest son, he commented saying that this the bird and (the line) is a wee line as he is a male and has a willy.

Early this week in the car the eldest wanting to discuss, “what is love?” which we had to explain the different types of love and what it felt like when you love something or someone.

My eldest was super tired the other day and really upset. “I want to be a women and have a baby”. He was absolutely gutted that he can’t have a baby. We also explained that you don’t just need a woman to have a baby but also need a man to fertilise the egg.

My youngest over the past month speech/vocabulary has come on leaps and bounds. When it was just me and him shopping he said, “I miss daddy and my older brother”, so cute.

My eldest made me laugh, “I wish Christmas was every day”. Hubby said, “well emm Christmas can’t be every day as it will be very boring and nothing special. Not to mention cost a fortune”. My son responded, “Ok daddy, then let’s just have it two or three days a week”.

Cheers for reading X

Little Hearts, Big Love

This time of year

Hey readers,

This time of year when it is the build up to Christmas I struggle with. The whole time feels intensified and crazy that it gets to me and though it does not affect me straight away, I can guarantee without a shadow of a dealt I will have a meltdown during the festive period.

I have autism and for me one of my struggles is socialising and sadly it appears a social rule is to meet all the people you know in a short period to spend some quality time with.

My problem is I can do social but really have difficulties with long periods with people, not getting a break and dealing with people who I may only see once or twice of year. I need my time on my own to calm down.

It can be hard because other people might not understand my disability and may interpretate my behaviour as being cold and not welcoming.  They don’t understand I need time to myself and breaks because it is so mentally challenging trying to mask and put on this friendly person when really at times I just want to tell everyone to fuck off with the rubbish. All these random social rules with all the niceties, when most of the time people don’t really bother. But because it is Christmas it is about family and we have to adapt these weird rules during Christmas. There so much social  pressure and I struggle to mask my trueness for long periods of time.

I have to hold my tongue  and monitor the things I say, because I am an adult and not many people expect autistic adults, especially female to behaviour childlike. God forbid you’re an autistic woman with children, I should know better and it is outrageous to even think about behaving oddly. They presume if we behave childish then we definitely made the wrong decision to have children and probably wondering why aren’t social knocking on the door.

Why do I do this, get involved in this social situations? Well to be perfectly honest wit you I am so desperate to fit in that I put the pressure on myself and other times I am wanting to keep my hubby sweet.

But after all the hype, all the energy into communicating, new environments, new dynamics and the pretense that I have to deal with I am left feeling exhausted. My bones will ache for days after, I will cry a shed load and my mind will basically collapse as it has used all my stored up resources to mimic neurotically people.

So yeah I am miserable cow, but do I have the right to be? who’s needs get priority, how much can I be accepted before being called childish.

Then after all the palava I am left feeling deflated and depressed. Wondering what the point is and why autism is such a bitch. It causes a rift between me and  my hubby. Ok he knows some bits about autism but he also has his own agenda and it is not always easy for him to see my point without probably thinking I am being selfish or there is so much for him to deal with that he needs a break.

Cheers for reading.

Spectrum Sunday