Today was a day that decided to take action over something that I’ve been in denial about for a while now and that is an increase in being very depressed. I have OCD so the thoughts are very intrusive and fast firing in my head and constantly checking things so enough is enough. My mood is really low and just a sense of dread, followed with complete sadness.
I am on medication, however for a month or two ago I decided to reduce one medication. I forgot what depression had felt like. When you have been taking medication for so long it suppresses your emotions. Which to be fair has been good as it means you can manage the day but you believe the mindset has shifted therefore believing that you don’t suffer as much.
Another reason why I wanted to reduce my medication is the weight gain. However, I think it is a small price to pay compared to waking up angry/crying/ suicidal etc. I prefer to be fat and less breakdown than the alternative.
So, Today I took action, I spoke to my husband and booked an appointment to doctor to discuss the matter. Hopefully the doctor can alter it, it may fall down to me having to go and be referred to a psychiatrist to get the issue resolved.
Yep, so it is just a ramble but glad I took action. Because it is ok to take medication and it is ok to not be ok. I still even now struggle to be open about my depression. It is hard when mental illness is viewed so negatively. I decided to write my thoughts down as a way to help me and allow other people who may be of interest in reading in this and no you are not allow. It is a fight worth fighting for.
Cheers for reading X
Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.
This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.
Then my brain reminds me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.
The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being stuck in a situation that I have no control over.
Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.
But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.
Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.
You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.
Cheers for reading X
Here is some of the ways that depression affects me:
- Feeling too much.
- Feeling nothing but flatness.
- Crying over kindness.
- Hating oneself so much.
- Wanting desperately to vanish.
- Hiding from it all.
- Lying in bed all day and not got the energy to move.
- Looking at the walls and losing track of time.
- Being in a crowded room and feeling so alone.
- Angry at everything.
- Feeling stuck.
- Recalling memories.
- Doubting everything.
- Reflecting everything.
- Wanting to sleep forever.
- Hating your spouse because they can just get up and go.
- Denying it all.
- Laughing so hard your neurotic.
- Moving from one extreme to the next.
- Obsessing about the what if’s.
- No desire for anything.
Cheers for reading. X