Regression in adult autism

Hey readers,

Now that I am an adult with autism I have learnt so much more about me and autism. One of the things that I have noticed is that at times of my life I have regressed.

decline chart

Now, when I am talking about regression and autism this is not when a child is 19 months but actually the accuracy of regression during any time of a person’s life. I myself feel that I have regressed several periods of my life. The same can be said about when I progress.

I believe that with autism as a disorder on a spectrum it is fluid and constantly shifting with the times. Hence why it is hard to fill out forms when asked for what my life is like with autism on a day to day basis. Let’s face if you know someone with autism it changes depending on what is happening in that person’s life.

An example of my regression going through changes whilst at the university from year one to year two caused me great distress. I had less support, less communication with lecturers and that caused great stress. I struggled with interpreting instructions especially when they were assignments when I had to be creative and think outside the box. One assignment involved in coming up with an adult that hasn’t been thought of before. Now, this is hard because this was a mandatory module whereby I had to do the subject even though I wasn’t that interested in.

Contemplating,Man,hands,bald

If you don’t know already I am a black and white thinker. When I do something that motivates me I get full on obsessive or in contrast demotivated and not bothered at all. The changes and dealing with university life causes me at the end of the year to result in me wanting to kill myself basically. I fell into clinical depression, my partner had to supervise me because I could not do anything by myself as I was that depressed.

Other times I have smaller regressions, if I do not go into town for a while I literally get sensory overload, All the scripts I have performed and rehearsed I forget. All the social rules have got muddled up and I really struggle. Dare I say it I feel more autistic on these days. It is like I have to keep on top and be aware most of the time or I fall backwards. It is exhausting and at times I have just stayed at home for days and not go out, feeding more on my regression.

Other times I can move forward and progress if I keep working at it. The one blocker that stops me is burnout when I am so exhausted from trying and working at it for long periods of time that I simply need to stop and shut down. My brain has had enough of all this information, it want’s a breather and time to just be.

I have only recently learnt that one of the reasons I get so exhausted if I am in a social environment is because I am on hyperfocus, my brain is on alert all the time, anxiety high and I am just not relaxed. Naturally, my body is just going to say stop and need a break to relax.

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So, as you can see regression can be short or long term but autism is constantly shifting between progress and regress.

Cheers for reading X

Half term tiredness

Hey readers,

Today I slept for so long, it was what I body so needed, time to rest my brain and body.  I feel like I need to have a break every now again and shut down to help me compensate for all the pain and work that I put it through.

tiredness

I think during half term school holiday I am working harder to socialise and be with others for longer periods of time. Don’t get me wrong I adore my children but being autistic it is challenging to spend so long with individuals.

I feel us autistic folk need time to hibernate and re-charge our batteries more than neurotypical people. I think one of the reasons is because I am working that harder to apply social skills that may not necessarily come naturally to me.

tiredness 2

Then there is the emotional side where I beat myself up over my shortfalls to ridiculous amount. One of the reasons because you can’t help but compare yourself to other random people, even though you don’t know through social media.

I always view my autism as a battle, something I have to get up and deal with every single day. On top of that I have to deal with the internal battle of low self-esteem and dealing myself as a parent.

tiredness 3

Most of the time I feel like I am blagging a this whole parenting thing and I put so much energy in to trying to function like everyone else  that I burn myself out, hence the breaks and shutdown.

So, that is one of the many struggles I have as an autistic parent, it is never easy but I am thankful for my blog. It is true what they say that writing things down may not cure my situation but it is a place to clear my mind of the many thoughts that are buzzing around in my head.

Cheers for reading X

Burnout

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

it must be the end term thing where I feel absolutely exhausted and overwhelmed. My list of things to do seems to be getting longer and longer. My motivation on the other hand seems to have vanished. I have a crippling headache (which I am a frequent suffer off, it runs in my family) making it even harder to focus on stuff. I also have had the youngest be poorly with vomiting and struggling to cope with any energy. So been doing a lot of washing that is constantly needing doing . It just the all the little bits adding up and creating such a big mountain to climb up at the moment.

On a more positive note I signed my eldest son up to some free swimming lessons for one week only (he normally has swimming lessons once week anyway). He loves it and it is lovely to watch how confident he is getting at swimming. It is funny though as it is in the same pool that I used to swim when I was pregnant with him. So that has been the highlight of my week to see him grow.

Hopefully next week I won’t sound such a miserable cow, but this is my blog and this is where I will vent. God I love blogging it is such a great therapy tool.

Hope you have a lovely week,

cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

Aspie burnout

Hey readers,

Just come across this term aspie burnout but can wholeheartedly identify. That is how I feel today, I am shattered beyond belief even after six coffees (that is correct) just this morning.

I think because I am more involved socially with taking both boys to nursery. It involves going into two different environments and trying to remember all the rulesrooms. Then again collecting them it is very tiring for me socially. I feel so guilty as I am getting warn out from it all and I just want to shutdown.

I can handle about three hours max at the moment going out and then I am exhausted. I find it hard to focus on conversation, eye contact, dealing with the social situations where I don’t ultimatically know what to do. I get very dizzy and lightheaded. Particularly yesterday I went to a new place and got over stimulated. It causes friction between me and my partner. He wants to know why, why, why and all I really wish to do is scream or hide wide which I can not do either, doh being an adult sucks!
My eyes find it hard to focus after intense periods of time out where I am constantly working and focusing all my energy on being ‘normal ‘. People don’t know when they see me. I am constantly consciously aware of my enviromnent and what I am doing. My body aches from all the tension as I am hypoalert that I should be playing out this role of mother. Not to mention if a child accidently touches me, it freaks me out inside. God I feel so lonely and sad.

Today I hate being autistic and when your husband hints that your child may be autistic. As the older he is getting the more traits their are that could be hinting towards Autism. God I don’t want my children to have Autism. OK there are some positive autisitic traits such as we pay attention to detail, loyal and intelligent but it all comes with a price. I’m scared as sometimes I look at my oldest and he is so like me. I wish it was just him minmicing my behaviour.

Cheers for reading X

Sons, Sand & Sauvignon