I am sat here all alone with no noise bar me typing away on the laptop. I like this time as it is my time, quite with no need to think or understand silly little rules.
It is time to wind down and relax before I panic again how am I going to get through the next day.
One thing for sure is that I have made it through the day and nothing particular bad has happened.
Both my boys are happy snoring their little heads off without any worry so I take that as a good day.
My body feels relaxed as I am watching the sunset and the colour of the sky brightens my eyes.I feel safe without any threat, which I am forever grateful.
There have been times when I have been really scared with the unknown, decisions that were out of control. Lies and deceit form people who were meant to be honest.
But all that does not matter now as we have moved on, like the earth continuing to spin on regardless of what life throws at us.
I suppose my favourite thing about the evening is getting the opportunity to slip into bed where it is warm and safe. Knowing that I may not have everything but what I do have is love from my husband and children. You can get so bogged down and confused with all the messages everywhere that you can forget what is in front of you. I am no means perfect for starters
I am autistic but am grateful right now and feel blessed for what I do have. I have been know to moan and even cry myself to sleep with feelings of self dealt, confusion and hurt with life.
Some days I feel absolutely terrified to get up in the morning, I put so much thought into the detail that you forget the basics of putting one foot in front of the next.
Today is a different story, I take how feel and own it. I am learning more about myself through motherhood and just plodding alone like the rest of us.
Cheers for reading X
In this day and age it is hard not to compare yourself. I for one am guilty of this, it is so easy to assume that one has it all whilst you feel like you are floating above water.
We can forget that what you see with your eyes on the surface may not be the actually truth. How can possible know everything about someone when we only see a glimpse.
That is why it is important to look for content within and not on unrealistic ideas that assume make other happy.
Sometimes you can fall under the trap of negativity, where all you see is the bad stuff. That is why it is important to take stock of what is good in life. No one has it all but I am a true believer in that there is one good thing in life even if it is small.
Today I felt sad as if my life is going anyway. I could continue down the negative spiral but won’t get me anywhere, it will just make me feel ten times worse.
The things I have succeeded in is getting up and making sure my children are well and happy. I have read a book and even writing this post is productive.
I think it is important to accept the things you do have and not dwell. Being content with yourself so a hard thing to achieve when there are so many messages everywhere telling us to be like this or that. You feel like you are questioning everything.
I think the main that I have learnt in my adult life is meaning and the value you put on something. I think that is the powerful thing. If you let go of connecting to something you would be amazed at how little impact it has on you.
I think the thing that is key in being content is questioning everything and working out what it means to you. Deep down is it really important to you?
My feet hurt today as a result of over using them yesterday. I know so what?! Here is the think why I am talking about my feet is the fact I am autistic you see and my feet posture is not very good. I have always had problems with standing and the way I coordinate my feet.
I am so clumsy as well when I walk, I am guaranteed to trip up even if there is nothing there. The amount of bashing my toes into stuff and cursing under my breathe is unreal. My husband affectionately finds it funny.
I also shuffle my feet, especially when I am stressed. I am constantly getting told stop shuffling your feet like I am some kind of child.
You don’t realise how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other. It can be really challenging. I never really thought about my physical problems when I was younger and now as an autistic adult I am still learning.
It is my arms I struggle with – not really knowing what to do with them when I walk, I find them painful and just frustrating. It is like I have to train my mind to swing my arms when I walk. It is so difficult as I am rubbish at doing two tasks at the same time.
One of the major problems that I struggle with as an autistic person is using my spacial awareness skills and navigating around objects and people. I am not good at forward planning especially in a busy place where I am over stimulated with the sensory information. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I need to sit down and take a moment to take a break because of how mentally exhausting it is.
If I don’t think about my walking and focus on it, I really struggle with bumping into things or trip up.
We as a human are meant to learn this skill at an early age and it to be developed. Therefore not having to think about it as it is a long term in implicit memory. It is wired in the brain so you don’t have to think about it, it is second nature. Being an autistic person we miss out on this opportunity and I do wonder before language evolved how many humans died due to lack of ‘natural’ skills due to having a different way of thinking.
So, therefore if you do wonder why do us autistic people get SO tired this is a little insight, because we have to constantly work our asses of and remembering all these ‘natural’ rules that people take for granted.
Today is 30 degrees outside which means hot and sweaty weather, perfect for us fat people (like myself) or thought it is not just an overweight persons problem but anyone really who has thighs that touch. What better thing to weather is a skirt or a dress to help keep you cool, One problem with this idea and it is the awful CHUB RUB.
If you have never heard of the term chub rub it is basically where your thighs sweat so much and rub together causing friction which results in painful red area and could potentially lead to painful blister. Something that you want to experience especially when also dealing with the heat.
So, how do you deal with chub rub you are asking?well, for a short term relief you could use talc powder/deodorant or similar to help, the only downfall is that it is short lived and sweating loads can cause it not to be effective.
Of course there is the trusted cycling shorts to but barrier between your thighs. Fantastic and I can declare it works. Downside is that it is an extra layer of clothing, meaning more sweat. Which if you ok with it then go ahead. For me I hate sweat and what to feel as comfortable as possible.
Next is this product called Lanacane anti-chaffing gel which works wonders and lasts a long time. I keep it in my bag in case I need to add any more when I am out and about. It is a bit pricey but so worth it. This is not a review, but my own personal opinion on the this product. It is non-greasy and after it feels silky so really nice feel on your skin.
How do you deal with chub rub? Love to hear other people’s tips.
Cheers for reading X
This is not a review, it is just me wanting to share my experience of ways to deal with chub rub.
The people of Wayfair went on the hunt to find out what home is for people. This is what Wayfair did:
We hit the streets of London over the Easter weekend equipped with an armchair and a microphone to find out what home really means to us! The findings were both insightful and heartwarming, exposing that our homes are much more than just buildings or places, they are family, comfort, inspiration, happiness and much more. Not only that, but we spoke to a further 400 recipients across the UK & found that over 71% of people coined the sofa as the most important item of furniture in their home, placing the importance on socializing and making use of communal spaces (or being couch potatoes if you look at it another way!)
Wayfair are doing a campaign on ‘What is Home?’ and for me personally home is not necessarily the physical things but the meaning associated with home. It is safety where when I close the front door I can come into my home and feel less judged.
You see I am autistic and I struggle going out in the outside world, so knowing I have a place where I can relax and not have to put on a mask is comforting. It makes me feel less anxious especially after a hard day, I can come home to my family and just be me without the fear of being judged.
Home is a place where I don’t have to be agitated or on guard, I can kick back on the sofa and just be. Enjoying the calm moments of reading a book with a blanket whilst my two boys are playing next door together with their Lego.
It feels like home because I am a mum and I provide all the needs for my children where they can fun but also develop as children. Where they will hold the memories for years of all the happy times of their childhood.
It is times when we lounge on a Sunday as a family scrawled out whilst watching Big Heads and rooting for King Henry VIII over Donald Trump.
Home is where we get excited about the small things we can do together as a family like watching a sunset or have Sunday dinner and discussing why mummy is called poopoo, while the boys are in hysterics over the hilariousness of it all.
What does home mean to you? What ideas stir up when you think of home?