My boy of late…

Hey readers,

I have a confession to make, today was hard day for me mentally, not only am I dealing with my  own issues but also them of  my son’s. Today he had a major meltdown which left us at breaking point. Not just for me I think, but actually for my husband as well. My husband is normally chilled out and causal about stuff so, it must be pretty bad when he is worried about how he will not only mange  with his wife’s autism (he is my carer as well) but potentially his son’s.

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I am currently sat in the other room because I really can’t cope at this point with my son’s screaming for over an hour.

We went to visit a butterfly farm locally to us, today, the butterflies are in a massive green house room and can freely flutter by. Here is where the problem lies, my son had a meltdown at this place because he could not cope with the butterflies random movement (which  I struggle also struggle with) but had taken medication to physical effects of anxiety).  He is 5 years old and is an independent walker however, my husband had to carry him around as the only place where he was calm after the heightened anxiety was where the butterflies were not in one of the other areas. The moment he stepped back into the arena where all the butterflies were that was it again, he just could not cope with it and was panic attack.

All afternoon he has been on a roller-coaster of emotions. But finally he has settled to just streaming and I mean screaming. He literally has to be restraint because of how violent his behaviour has become. He is biting, scratching, hitting, and lashing out and potentially harming our youngest.

Now,  I have been on a parenting course where it is frowned upon restraining children. I am very conscious of this. I do not do it under any circumstances but when it is a situation where risk involved and the child is hurting themselves and no other way can help that child stay calm then is not much left we could of done.

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Now you are wondering have we been to the professionals to discuss our concerns and the answer is yes, several times. Let me tell you the background, firstly he started school this September so we approached the school to see what his behaviour was like and to ask for guidance. They did observe but didn’t feel any worries. So, we went to our GP, he said to speak to the specialist person. SO we did and filled out our worries on paper, then they would investigate. That was fine, they came back to us I think within the month saying that they have taken on board our concerns but because his behaviour is not affecting him at school that they can not really do anything. However, they did say that come back in a year and see what is behaviour is like and see if any behaviour changes have occurred.

Well that is great help because as most of us know generally children are totally different when they are school, it is a different environment etc. I asked my cpn (community psychiatric nurse) who see’s me for my mental health what his advice is because he may have had experience and what he thinks we should do.

He said that the only path at the moment is through the school or GP. So because my son’s behaviour is masked (because I know for one he copies a lot of behaviour, he is very similar to me. I kid you not my husband always says that talking to him is like talking to me).

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So, basically there is no other avenue, because apparently if the child is perfectly well behaved then the child will go through the net but if the child is extreme then they will get the help they deserve. Bearing in mind that these teachers are looking after 30 odd children so they can’t spend long periods of time with them individually. It is just so frustrating right now because we just don’t know what to do but one thing is for sure no seems to care if your not extreme. They see the whole picture and that is what really sucks.

I am writing this so that I can document my journey with my eldest, who knows where we will end up but his behaviour is erratic and there is genuine concern there.

Cheers for reading X

Dear Bear and Beany


The Tale of Mummyhood

Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday

 

Letter to the lady in the resturant 

Hey Lady,

Yes I see you give me evils, I know what your thinking, how dare I bring my child to the restaurant and the check of it to let it scream blue murder. I know your children are perfect sitting there ignoring each other with there electronics. I don’t care normally, but when you judge me, I will judge you. Your subtle involvement is merely rude and unhelpful. I am a parent of two young children and they are not perfect nor is my parenting. Yes they make noise but that is there right and sometimes it can get out of hand. However, us parents are trying to deal with the situation and stop the horrendous noises. Your judgement really is unhelpful to say the least.

You see we were travelling back home from a long day visiting relatives and it was bank holiday. My hubby really wanted an Indian and to be honest he is a bit of foodie. I on the other hand much prefer McDonalds with children, at least no one judges you when your child if it decides to have a tantrum.

But why can’t we eat in a restaurant, there is no law that says we can’t. We are just left to feel rubbish because we are not performing seals. I know you would love us to ‘control’ our child but I am too liberal for that carry on. Why should I hide behind doors or feel ashamed my child is not perfect, he is three for God’s sake and can sit no longer then five minutes if we are lucky. But he needs to learn the rules of the game, needs to test his boundaries,more important mummy and daddy need to fucking eat and this is the only place to get food this time of the day.

The tuttering doesn’t help anyone and you are not squeaky clean here either. You are four adults getting pissed further and further into the night and making your own ridiculous loud volume. Now, this doesn’t normally bother me but if you keep looking at me every other second, it bothers me. you made me feel shit and a bad parent. I am no one near perfect but for I try, and nothing is worse for someone with social anxiety to feel that they are constantly being judged. So next time please think about your actions, you may want instant action but it has left me feeling pretty crappy and desperate to escape, much to the annoyance of my husband.

Next time I am not asking you to be my friend,  all I want is you to try to be a little more understanding, it would make a huge difference. It would break down the whole judgement that seems to happen frequently when we go out to adult type places. Giving parents with little self confidence the encourage to go out with the child. Even if it is just to a restaurant to eat without feeling judged.

Yours sincerely,

the mother with the screaming, over tired and not always having the vocabulary to express himself three year old.

3 Little Buttons

Why, why, why?

Hey readers,

I am sitting here by myself because it is half term and my eldest has been a terror to put it politely. Sometimes I end of the day feeling so frustrated that I just wished to be let free in a room full of China. I am not sure how I am going to cope through the two weeks without the break, I am sure we get through it but at the beginning of the holiday I dread it.

Why is it I try my  bestest to do something with the sprog and then all he does is pushes mine and hubby’s buttons. It fucks me off, I try and it results in fights and mayhem. He encourages the youngest to throw pens and then the youngest gets boisterous and rips the paper. Then pulls of as many Christmas decorations as possible from the Christmas tree on purpose and the eldest thinks the most hilarious thing to do is pull his trousers and pants down, he is laughing his head off and no one is laughing, fml!

Today just feels like my eldest is in a destructive mood and will go out his way to be a pain in the arse. No matter how much time I give him or get things to do, he is having none of it. I don’t know whether he is not getting warn out like the days he is at school where he can get over stimulated. Almost like an uneven balance of stimulation. Right now I am so pissed off with it all. I am pissed of with myself for getting so emotional about such stuff. I know it is a cliche but you do the worst thing and compare yourself to all the perfect parents on the internet. Why can’t my children be so chilled like other people’s children without turning it into a scene and making me feel totally deflated and a crap parent.

I am sat here writing this close to tears with rage. I have come on adult time out if you will because if I don’t then I will literally blow my top off. Seriously, today I am just struggling with parenting and knowing where to reach that balance. It doesn’t matter how many threats or putting on time out, my son is in that ‘mood’ where he is just not playing ball.
This may make me sound an awful parent but that the thoughts that cross my mind is why do I bother with all this stress when I maybe as well not bother. It could so simpler for me to not care, not to be engaging and just stick the TV on 24/7 and be done with it.  At least I wouldn’t have to deal with the challenging behaviour.

All I can say is some days being a parent is shit, I know awful but true. I am not perfect and sometimes dread it and can’t wake till the end of the day when I have break and my brain gets given a change to think about anything.

Cheers for reading X

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Peeved off 

Hey readers,
Do you ever get days that piss you off. Seriously today is one of them. Whatever I look at makes me miffed. I think it because I an due on and I am slowly transforming into psycho bitch,I kid you not! That is what hubby calls me when the painters and decorators come and visit. So here is my list of things that have really irritated the hell out of me today. Be warned I have fire coming out of my mouth.

1) Left over balloons that pop randomly that make you jump out of your skin and really hurt my ears.

2) NT’s not understanding how change and swapping plans makes me a nervous wreck. One minute I have a plan and then you go along and wreck that by changing it to something completely different. I struggle with flexible thinking but you just say I am treating you bad and it doesn’t matter if I have Asperger as it is all bullshit and I am just being childish. Yep misunderstood or what and let’s face it autism can be displayed in childlike behaviour that is just the nature of the beast!

3) Having long periods of time spend with a person that you are warn out.I love the people put focusing on the social interaction is so hard not to mention the tedious social chit chat. It is also really challenging for me to have to think on my feet and try to comment on the moment. Sometimes my mind just goes blank not because I am bored but it is a real struggle to deal with what is happening and trying to work it all out. It sucks all my energy and sooner or later I will snap as I don’t have any respite till late and if I dare try to go for a break I am viewed as being anti-social and being a misery guts for isolating myself from the situation.

4) Your tone of voice is hurting my ears. To me you hate me and I just want to vanish and hide away. You think I am being mellow dramatic but something deep inside me wants to scream or breakdown in tears.

5) Having to adapt and deal with others gaining control is hard for me as I like control. Having control is comforting and soothing for me . I like to know what is happening and knowing the answers to be then taken off me I feel lost and anxious. It can trigger meltdowns or me wanting to self harm as I hate the situation where I have no control and meant to just go along with it. I can’t participate a little bit as I struggle with the the greyness. I am an all or nothing type of person as I can’t manage the balance where to do what if I am sharing a role. At least with having all the control I can take action and get involved. Alternatively, I can chill out to a certain extend when loss the power giving it to someone else to have that responsibility. But then I ultimately don’t know what the hell is happening causing me to get anxious. I can’t win because I am rubbish at balancing and getting the formation right. So I go back to me being yet another failure in my eyes.

Cheers for reading X

Sons, Sand & Sauvignon
Pink Pear Bear
My Petit Canard
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