Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.
This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.
Then my brain reminds me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.
The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being stuck in a situation that I have no control over.
Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.
But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.
Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.
You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.
Cheers for reading X
Want to know a fun way to kill time when your bored shitless, then look no further then the Pooh Personality Quiz. Yes, I am sad but when your stuck looking at the four walls and a bit bored you will do anything for a laff!
So, my results are through…. DRUM ROLL: I am apparently PIGLET!!!
Now, I have read all the Winnie The Pooh books and I guessed that I would be Eeyore because I swing more to the personality type. But when reading Piglets description on his personality I nodded in agreement.
I am overly sensitive and take things too much to heart. I find it hard to stop thinking about certain things that are on my mind. I know this is an autistic trait with the obsessiveness and one track mind. However, it still fits me to a T.
I am a very nervous person, I have autism and social anxiety disorder so tend to worry a lot about things and people’s perception of me.
I definitely struggle to go to new places. I have ideas of going to somewhere new or going to somewhere that I am not very familiar in getting to.However, I tend to take weeks for me to pluck the courage to go. It may take me several attempts to go somewhere and can take weeks to plan it in my head, I am procrastinator in that sense. So, as you can image I am not that good in doing something new because of fear and just generally anxiety.
However, I am very loving in my own way and view myself as conscientious. If you ask something of me then 90% of the time I do it straight away. Maybe because I am inpatient and find it hard to stop thinking about the thing I need to do Maybe, because I am desperately seeking approval and worry what other people’s perception of me.
So, yeah I would say Piglet is a pretty good description of me and my personality after all.
Take the Pooh Personality Quiz!
Cheers for reading X
Today I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away from the world. I have had a really difficult day looking after a really energetic child. It didn’t help that when walking into town my son decided all he wanted to do was just scream most of the way and chanting that he wants daddy. It is unbelievably exhausting especially as I am so sensitive to hearing because of my autism.
Then in the afternoon I just constantly had to deal with this mental battle in my head that if I am not entertaining my child 24/7 then somehow I am a rubbish parent. It is a constant battle that occurs in my own head and the sad thing is, is that it is all made by me. No one has told me that I am rubbish, it is just me putting so much pressure on myself, probably some guilt around being autistic and having shortfalls that other parents don’t have to deal with. However, today my anxiety is so high that I am left with a killer headache because I am so tense from my self-inflicted anxiety. I have already had a panic attack and sometimes when so bad I am fearful social services will come and take my child of me simply because I had the TV on to much or I am a bit rubbish at communicating. It sounds silly writing this down but at the time them fears are real and frightening.
Why is it so hard to find a middle ground, I suppose this is always my problem never really reaching that right balance of moderation. I have always been extreme because that is just simply the way my brain is wired. I am all or nothing, so naturally it would seem down into my parenting. I think because a lot of things is down to not communicating and no ‘rules’ as such I find it difficulty to manage. All the things that I am good at are structure based and have a step-to-step system, it is what I excel at. I am not good at ambiguous. I never have and I don’t think I will ever have the skills no matter how many times I try. SO, basically I need to accept me for who I am and instead of putting me down, embrace them skills and use them to my advantage,. I think this is one of the biggest learning curves for me as an autistic parent to master.
But I will say truefully with having such energetic child who will not sit still or does not want to engage in anything longer then five minutes is tough. Especially, when at times where I am by myself and feel like constantly breaking down with fear of how am I going to get past the next three hours?
I hope this stage gets easier and that I can relax and enjoy parenting a bit more and less of a pain in the arse chore that I have to get through.
I feel awful for writing this but this is the truth, this is how I feel at times. Don’t get me wrong other times parenting feels like a breeze especially when there is another parent to help out. But currently with my 3 years old child you it is solid work and really has an ability to have a knack at pushing my buttons.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes I don’t have the energy,
to embrace the day,
to fight this thing called life.
It is more appealing to hide,
In my little bubble,
with no interference,
form the so-called people,
that wide me up terrible.
My head goes into spin,
so I lose my direction,
with no idea,
how to get back in the arena.
All I can do is rest,
Waiting for the moment,
For me to perform.
The front that saves me,
So much heartache and woe,
When my strength appears,
I can get back to fighting levels,
With the armor of safety,
To complete in this difficulty,
Of life and all it’s mystery.
Here is some of the ways that depression affects me:
- Feeling too much.
- Feeling nothing but flatness.
- Crying over kindness.
- Hating oneself so much.
- Wanting desperately to vanish.
- Hiding from it all.
- Lying in bed all day and not got the energy to move.
- Looking at the walls and losing track of time.
- Being in a crowded room and feeling so alone.
- Angry at everything.
- Feeling stuck.
- Recalling memories.
- Doubting everything.
- Reflecting everything.
- Wanting to sleep forever.
- Hating your spouse because they can just get up and go.
- Denying it all.
- Laughing so hard your neurotic.
- Moving from one extreme to the next.
- Obsessing about the what if’s.
- No desire for anything.
Cheers for reading. X
This mother role is hard work, don’t get me wrong sometimes it can be fun, lovely, honaerable. On the flip side you can feel anxious, scared or even dread at times. It is so hard to get it right but sometimes just going along and being there in that you learn a lot more then any manual will tell you. Here is some of the things I have learnt going through the journey of motherhood.
1. Sometimes being a mum feels like a constant treadmill that you have to keep running to keep the balance right. It feels constant and repetitive. Sometimes I get this feeling of restlessness that will never end. For example the never ending pile of washing. Just when you think you have completed all the washing within half an hour there is another load appeared. But you know what it is OK to stop, have a break from it and do something different. Have a day off because you know what you deserve it regardless what the media say!
2. Sometimes you mess up spectacular and you know what I have learnt that it is OK. Nobody provides that perfect parenting book. Sometimes you just winging and learning as you go. Knowledge maybe powerful but experience is also up there with understanding in my opinion.
3. You know sometimes your child may act aggressively towards you. At that moment you just want to shout, “WILL YOU JUST STOP”. What really they need is your attention and affection even if they are being little shits, sometimes there maybe an underlying reason. This was one of my biggest challenges as I have Asperger syndrome which makes it really, really difficult to understand body language etc so I really had to work my butt of to understand and put myself in someone elses shoes. I don’t always get it right because saying and doing ate two different things. But practice and working at it all you can do and remembering that no one is perfect.
4. Learn the art of negotiation and you will find that both child and parent will win. It is tough but give it time and it gets better and your relationship changes. I definitely notice a change between me and my children’s relationships. Sometimes it is hard to listen to your child especially if you have a million and one things to do. you just instant behaviours sadly we won’t always get it. Listening is a valuable skill that will help strength your relationship. It does take time however I can verify that it has rewards in the long term. When I take a step back and listen my child is more willing and responsive. Overtime it gets easier, not always of course because life is not like that. I can confirm though that there is significant changes in a more harmonious environment. Which makes parenting a hell of a lot easier.
5. One of the major things I have learnt through raising my children is patience and dedication. I sometimes have to hold back/ put on a mask or stay quiet. I have found this helps as I can’t always deal with immediate emotional responses due to my disability. I need time to digest and reflect before decisions. I have learnt to wait before I react as I am better mentally prepared to deal with that situation. Sometimes us parents just need to have five minutes away from the child to cool down the sitruation. It helps breaking down the negativity and coming back to the situation at a later date with fresher eyes to deal with it.
Cheers for reading X
Candyfloss & Dreams
Well my word of the week is:
This is because at the weekend marked my fifth wedding anniversary of five years. Eek, this might seem a small milestone to a lot of you but for me as an autistic the odds against the likelihood of me ever getting married. Followed by the statics against getting divorced is high if you are an autisitic person. To be honest with you I never imagined getting married or having children and that was reinforced by the “specialists”. Which is now know to be utter bollocks! So yeah quite proud even though it has not been plain slaying as I am not the easiest person to live with, we are still going strong as a unit. So today I feel happy of how far I have come. So Cheers 🍻
To celebrate our anniversary we watched Grimsby and I can confirm it is bloody hilarious if you have an immature humour. You will not be disappointed. Nothing beats a good laugh and we don’t get to often sit together and watch a adult movie. So it was nice to enjoy it together as a couple.
Hope you have had a great week.
Cheers for reading X