Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 on the morning.
I am so tearful because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.
I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time. For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.
I feel a bit suffocated as well being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven’t got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.
I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with this thoughts.
I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.
It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. As in real life I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.
So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don’t feel judged and it is a place where I can freely right without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.
Cheers for reading X
My feet hurt today as a result of over using them yesterday. I know so what?! Here is the think why I am talking about my feet is the fact I am autistic you see and my feet posture is not very good. I have always had problems with standing and the way I coordinate my feet.
I am so clumsy as well when I walk, I am guaranteed to trip up even if there is nothing there. The amount of bashing my toes into stuff and cursing under my breathe is unreal. My husband affectionately finds it funny.
I also shuffle my feet, especially when I am stressed. I am constantly getting told stop shuffling your feet like I am some kind of child.
You don’t realise how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other. It can be really challenging. I never really thought about my physical problems when I was younger and now as an autistic adult I am still learning.
It is my arms I struggle with – not really knowing what to do with them when I walk, I find them painful and just frustrating. It is like I have to train my mind to swing my arms when I walk. It is so difficult as I am rubbish at doing two tasks at the same time.
One of the major problems that I struggle with as an autistic person is using my spacial awareness skills and navigating around objects and people. I am not good at forward planning especially in a busy place where I am over stimulated with the sensory information. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I need to sit down and take a moment to take a break because of how mentally exhausting it is.
If I don’t think about my walking and focus on it, I really struggle with bumping into things or trip up.
We as a human are meant to learn this skill at an early age and it to be developed. Therefore not having to think about it as it is a long term in implicit memory. It is wired in the brain so you don’t have to think about it, it is second nature. Being an autistic person we miss out on this opportunity and I do wonder before language evolved how many humans died due to lack of ‘natural’ skills due to having a different way of thinking.
So, therefore if you do wonder why do us autistic people get SO tired this is a little insight, because we have to constantly work our asses of and remembering all these ‘natural’ rules that people take for granted.
Cheers for reading X
Different and isolated,
All I hear is noise,
I want to drown it out,
But you got to see it through.
I hate people, seriously all they ever seems to do is be fake it. Why can’t people be honest and just tell the truth because you think it hurts peoples feelings. But here is the thing I already know so don’t pussy around the subject.
It sucks being autistic, the constant rejection of people, pretending to be nice when really they don’t give two monkeys.
I am sick of it and sick of this world that I live in. It doesn’t help I am stuck in places where people don’t really know where to put me. Let’s face facts first impressions count and no one likes the awkwardness of the autistic people, it is much easier to just deny us the opportunity. Even though us autistic people would so bloody hard, more so then the average person because we have to,i t’s a fight to fit in when your just totally failing on the outside. I feel lost and I don’t belong, this place feels lonely. Sometimes, I just can’t face it anymore but once again you have to find the strength to get back up again even though you are plummeting into a dark, dark place.
It sucks to have to undergo interviews when clearly they are not autistic friendly and again I feel like my needs are met. Don’t you understand us autistic people can’t cope with question after question without getting burnt out, not to mention the social interaction, it takes all our resources to get through it to then be told that actually we are not looking for people at the moment. But why put me through this hell, what you really mean is your not a suitable candidate, just be honest, at least I know where I stand. Right now I feel insulted and taken for a full. It took all my energy to get out my comfort zone and I am devastated. It really does suck because of the effort I but into these things but never get the opportunities, I don’t know why I bother.
Even as an adult I am always dealt with the hand of rejection and you know what people it sucks, big time for us autistic people to be treated like this. I am just thankful for my blog as it is an outlet when other times I can not muster the words to anyone the pain I am battling everyday. Rant over!
Cheers for reading