Blog Therapy 

Hey readers,

Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 on the morning.

I am so tearful because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.

recovery 2

I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time.  For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.

I feel a bit suffocated as well being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven’t got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.

suffocated

I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with this thoughts.

I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.

recovery

It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. As in real life I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.

So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don’t feel judged and it is a place where I can freely right without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.

Cheers for reading X

Bringing up Georgia
Real Mum Reviews

Autistic Feet

Hey readers,

My feet hurt today as a result of over using them yesterday. I know so what?! Here is the think why I am talking about my feet is the fact I am autistic you see and my feet posture is not very good. I have always had problems with standing and the way I coordinate my feet.

walking

I am so clumsy as well when I walk, I am guaranteed to trip up even if there is nothing there. The amount of bashing my toes into stuff and cursing under my breathe is unreal. My husband affectionately finds it funny.

I also shuffle my feet, especially when I am stressed. I am constantly getting told stop shuffling your feet like I am some kind of child.

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You don’t realise how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other. It can be really challenging. I never really thought about my physical problems when I was younger and now as an autistic adult I am still learning.

It is my arms I struggle with – not really knowing what to do with them when I walk, I find them painful and just frustrating. It is like I have to train my mind to swing my arms when I walk. It is so difficult as I am rubbish at doing two tasks at the same time.

One of the major problems that I struggle with as an autistic person is using my spacial awareness skills and navigating around objects and people. I am not good at forward planning especially in a busy place where I am over stimulated with the sensory information. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I need to sit down and take a moment to take a break because of how mentally exhausting it is.

If I don’t think about my walking and focus on it, I really struggle with bumping into things or trip up.

walking 3

We as a human are meant to learn this skill at an early age and it to be developed. Therefore not having to think about it as it is a long term in implicit memory. It is wired in the brain so you don’t have to think about it, it is second nature.  Being an autistic person we miss out on this opportunity and I do wonder before language evolved how many humans died due to lack of ‘natural’ skills due to having a different way of thinking.

So, therefore if you do wonder why do us autistic people get SO tired this is a little insight, because we have to constantly work our asses of and remembering all these ‘natural’ rules that people take for granted.

Cheers for reading X

Best of Worst
Cuddle Fairy
Bringing up Georgia

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoia and anxious. 

alone

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don’t do small talk and the things I think about to talk about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

alone 2

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, in this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability makes me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don’t worry I won’t but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ‘ believe’ others think. 

alone 3

I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role, because I view success on where I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can’t I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confided in a wheel chair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down. I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judge me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, but it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis less children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

diaryofanimperfectmum

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

Dear Bear and Beany

Please what

Please don’t mess with my brain,

It hurts and is nontraditional,

it works the way it is designed,

in non neurotypical manner,

I don’t understand the expectations,

so please be kind before assuming,

I am not rude,

I am just confused.

malfunction

Why do I feel like a malfucntion,

I feel I am all wrong,

I wish I could rewire my brain,

and start a fresh once more.

It feels so depressing,

having to see the world,

in the wrong way,

or so society tells me.

I can’t hide my flaws,

even though some are good,

this impairments follow me around,

every day I know I will slip,

because I forget,

there is so many rules,

and not enough memory,

to deal with this functioning,

sometimes I have to admit defeat,

I feel like a glitch,

where I just want to hide,

instead of constantly making errors,

through and through this me,

I am a mishap,

even as an adult,

I still make them mistakes,

what am I to do,

but be shaped wrongly,

in a judged society,

that only see one way.

Depression is…

Hey readers,

Here is some of the ways that depression affects me:

 

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  1. Feeling too much.
  2. Feeling nothing but flatness.
  3. Crying over kindness.
  4. Hating oneself so much.
  5. Wanting desperately to vanish.
  6. Hiding from it all.
  7. Lying in bed all day and not got the energy to move.
  8. Looking at the walls and losing track of time.
  9. Being in a crowded room and feeling so alone.
  10. Emptiness.
  11. Angry at everything.
  12. Feeling stuck.
  13. Recalling memories.
  14. Doubting everything.
  15. Reflecting everything.
  16. Wanting to sleep forever.
  17. Hating your spouse because they can just get up and go.
  18. Denying it all.
  19. Jealousy.
  20. Laughing so hard your neurotic.
  21. Moving from one extreme to the next.
  22. Obsessing about the what if’s.
  23. Isolating.
  24. Alone.
  25. Hopelessness.
  26. Despair.
  27. Fatigued.
  28. Insomniac.
  29. Loss.
  30. No desire for anything.

Cheers for reading. X

Single Mum Speaks

This time of year

Hey readers,

This time of year when it is the build up to Christmas I struggle with. The whole time feels intensified and crazy that it gets to me and though it does not affect me straight away, I can guarantee without a shadow of a dealt I will have a meltdown during the festive period.

I have autism and for me one of my struggles is socialising and sadly it appears a social rule is to meet all the people you know in a short period to spend some quality time with.

My problem is I can do social but really have difficulties with long periods with people, not getting a break and dealing with people who I may only see once or twice of year. I need my time on my own to calm down.

It can be hard because other people might not understand my disability and may interpretate my behaviour as being cold and not welcoming.  They don’t understand I need time to myself and breaks because it is so mentally challenging trying to mask and put on this friendly person when really at times I just want to tell everyone to fuck off with the rubbish. All these random social rules with all the niceties, when most of the time people don’t really bother. But because it is Christmas it is about family and we have to adapt these weird rules during Christmas. There so much social  pressure and I struggle to mask my trueness for long periods of time.

I have to hold my tongue  and monitor the things I say, because I am an adult and not many people expect autistic adults, especially female to behaviour childlike. God forbid you’re an autistic woman with children, I should know better and it is outrageous to even think about behaving oddly. They presume if we behave childish then we definitely made the wrong decision to have children and probably wondering why aren’t social knocking on the door.

Why do I do this, get involved in this social situations? Well to be perfectly honest wit you I am so desperate to fit in that I put the pressure on myself and other times I am wanting to keep my hubby sweet.

But after all the hype, all the energy into communicating, new environments, new dynamics and the pretense that I have to deal with I am left feeling exhausted. My bones will ache for days after, I will cry a shed load and my mind will basically collapse as it has used all my stored up resources to mimic neurotically people.

So yeah I am miserable cow, but do I have the right to be? who’s needs get priority, how much can I be accepted before being called childish.

Then after all the palava I am left feeling deflated and depressed. Wondering what the point is and why autism is such a bitch. It causes a rift between me and  my hubby. Ok he knows some bits about autism but he also has his own agenda and it is not always easy for him to see my point without probably thinking I am being selfish or there is so much for him to deal with that he needs a break.

Cheers for reading.

Spectrum Sunday