Today I feel a bit lonely, though not in the sense where I want to mingle with people. More isolating, knowing that I am different and that sense of not being ‘good enough’. Often I can ignore or distract myself from focusing on negativity. But today is a struggle. I just feel like I can not function like the rest of society. I feel my inadequacies…. they feel so loud in my head, they might not be real but they feel real to me and today it hurts.
I have always battled with being autisitic…it is tough going, after a tough long week of challenges with a little fight left it can defeat you. I think one of my problems so I am not often relaxed in situations such as having to go to the school assembly, this is where I feel most insecure. I don’t feel right and I feel like everyone is watching me. I know I am probably being narcissistic and changes are no one is, no one cares, hey even some may feel similar.
At the time it feels scary, and because my anxiety is on that super alert it is hard to come down without the good old meltdown. Yes to that question I did have an epic meltdown, it is all I could do. Then I took my laptop and wrote my thoughts. No real answers, it is merely a record of how I am feeling.
I feel not amazing but cathartic, now I am going off for a tea, cause let’s face it, tea doesn’t cure feeling crap but sure makes the painless hard to bear.
Cheers for reading X
Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 on the morning.
I am so tearful because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.
I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time. For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.
I feel a bit suffocated as well being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven’t got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.
I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with this thoughts.
I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.
It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. As in real life I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.
So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don’t feel judged and it is a place where I can freely right without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes, I feel shocked and how instinctive I become over my children. Even though I am autistic I always thought I would never match up with other other parents. I always felt that little bit different, like something is missing but I can’t find it. But then life surprises you at times, sometimes they are the best times, the unexpected situations that really blow you away.
I find that when I am in the mist of self-doubt and uncertainty being in a situation to defend yourself and ultimately being emerged in it, some inner strength comes along and you can do it, if exposed to that situation.
You learn more things about yourself then you would ever imagine and sometimes it is that small victories hat can make you feel so much better. Therefore enabling me to create a better and stronger attachment between myself and my children.
You can almost forget what you can do because the brain and the thoughts are so distorted that it alters your reality. Sometimes us mums are so hard on ourselves that it is barbaric the mental torture we put on ourselves. The sad thing is that I am doing ok, but sometimes with all the mixed messages out and about it can cause confusion, leaving you feel a little lost.
Then small nuggets of enlightenment can help you grow in your confidence in your ability to parent. Ideally, I have always found that stepping away and giving yourself time to be without constantly listening to the noise. This can help give me that break to think more clearly. Even if it is to just simply breakdown and have that time to just allow all them emotions escape. Sometimes, feelings can be built up so much that they can be real burden. So, allowing them to be expressed and getting it out of your system is really beneficial instead of it building up and weighing you down.
I have always found that in one way or another you will find way, it may take time but you will grow. Just hold on through and that moment will pass, even though it feels like hell at the time.
Cheers for reading X
I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.
Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.
Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.
I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit. But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t, I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child
Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!
Cheers for reading X