Today has been tough, as I write this it is the evening of Christmas Day, my son has had a three hour meltdown, including an unexpected visitor at the door causing further distress.
Both me and my eldest have autism and are greatly affected by change and over stimulated environments. As lovely as Christmas can be to celebrate a time when families get together, it can be very difficult for an autistic person because it is out of sync to their routine. Not to mention the stress of new stimuli in the environment even though I and my son enjoy presents it can still contribute to anxiety.
The whole idea of a day where it is completely different from normal, unpredictable and long can take its toll. This normally exhibits itself in a meltdown due to struggling with how to deal with emotions.
The bright lights, the busy chaoticness of the day, the length of time together are all influences that can trigger an autistic person. It is hard even as an adult after experiencing Christmas several times in my lifetime I still struggle. I think the not really knowing what I am meant to do is tough.
This year I seem to feel more sad because I witness the autistic behaviour in my eldest more. I can feel his pain and I know this is so illogical and silly but truth be told part of me hates myself for being the risker of passing down the genes on to my son. No one really likes to see their child in pain, you want them to be happy and thrive. I don’t care if I get slated by the autistic community if I could take that pain from my son away I would in an instinct. Yes there are some super qualities but I would choose happiness over stress any day of the week. I want the best for my son, I don’t want him struggling, however the autism will always be a barrier and it is something we will have to manage. That doesn’t stop me from being sad. I love my son unconditionally with autism but if I could I would get rid of it. He is struggling in a neurotypical world, I can see pain now and that it is the hardest bit, seeing my poor boy struggle, I just want to protect him and see him happy. That is all.
Cheers for reading X
i t is 4:47pm I have been awake for a good three hours. I have split my medication up so have it during the day as my anxiety is so high with change and Christmas. However, i is totally screwing up my sleep pattern.
I feel sick and emotion. I have just sat here crying and wondering yet again why did someone let me have children. I am not designed for children, I love the idea of them but having them for long periods and trying to deal with my own mental battles is draining.
I am sad because my son has said in a report that he has to go with daddy because mummy can’t cope with me. this breaks my heart. I should tell that now that it is very, very likely my son is autistic himself.
I suppose from this meeting one good thing has come out and that is some actually support for my son. He really struggles with coordination and getting referred to the occupational therapist for help with holding his pencil. The school has also noticed that he struggles with emotions (though we knew already) but he is going to get help with understanding
then guilt comes knocking in the door and I think I have 12 hours with kids and I have to fill orc that time in. I know it is silly but that my thought goes over and over.
It is tiring and I make my situation worse for feeling guilty for being autistic.
I just find it hard at times, I am feeling so sad with trying to stay strong, I just feel I am not good enough and maybe I shouldn’t have children because I am not maternal enough. I can’t be super mum and do all the things most do without it being hard of my eldest has additional needs so add that to the mix it is hard work.
Maybe I am just low because of Christmas and worried about what will happen with my pip assessment. I am just scared of life at the moment as it is all unknown and the panic is just there.
Cheers for reading X
Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 on the morning.
I am so tearful because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.
I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time. For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.
I feel a bit suffocated as well being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven’t got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.
I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with this thoughts.
I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.
It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. As in real life I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.
So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don’t feel judged and it is a place where I can freely right without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes, I feel shocked and how instinctive I become over my children. Even though I am autistic I always thought I would never match up with other other parents. I always felt that little bit different, like something is missing but I can’t find it. But then life surprises you at times, sometimes they are the best times, the unexpected situations that really blow you away.
I find that when I am in the mist of self-doubt and uncertainty being in a situation to defend yourself and ultimately being emerged in it, some inner strength comes along and you can do it, if exposed to that situation.
You learn more things about yourself then you would ever imagine and sometimes it is that small victories hat can make you feel so much better. Therefore enabling me to create a better and stronger attachment between myself and my children.
You can almost forget what you can do because the brain and the thoughts are so distorted that it alters your reality. Sometimes us mums are so hard on ourselves that it is barbaric the mental torture we put on ourselves. The sad thing is that I am doing ok, but sometimes with all the mixed messages out and about it can cause confusion, leaving you feel a little lost.
Then small nuggets of enlightenment can help you grow in your confidence in your ability to parent. Ideally, I have always found that stepping away and giving yourself time to be without constantly listening to the noise. This can help give me that break to think more clearly. Even if it is to just simply breakdown and have that time to just allow all them emotions escape. Sometimes, feelings can be built up so much that they can be real burden. So, allowing them to be expressed and getting it out of your system is really beneficial instead of it building up and weighing you down.
I have always found that in one way or another you will find way, it may take time but you will grow. Just hold on through and that moment will pass, even though it feels like hell at the time.
Cheers for reading X
I am just sitting on my bed as it is the most calming place for me to think.
Right now l have lost my mojo. I get days where I can’t seem to master the simplest of tasks and just trying to keep the momentum going is a challenge. Why is it I have these type of days? I feel like I totally suck at everything I seem to touch. Life just seems so unbearable and the jealous hits me seeing other mums just getting on with life. Where some days I can’t even be bothered to get up or get dressed. I mean I do because the only think that motivates me is the persistent fear of the fact that social services will come knocking at my door because I am an autistic depressive.
Don’t get me wrong there days when I can just plod on but this last week has nearly killed me to get through the days. I think most of the time I fantasise about just getting up and opening that door and running out and escaping myself misery.
I was in two minds to write this down as people don’t want to hear about the depressive mother who appears to be totally ungrateful! I mean there are loads of women that would love this opportunity and I beat myself up all the time for when I am being shit. But honestly how do some mothers enjoy every single moment because I don’t, I really don’t. Am I shit mother for saying that, I do not know. However, it does not matter anyway because I automatically have a special place in the shit mum’s club because I am an autistic mother therefore I do not obtain the special innate mothering skills that bond me and my child
Most of the time I am literally winging it and playing the part through the medium of masking or learning a script. I can be garnered to be mucking up at some point and being told how to be because yet again my autism brain is skewed!
Cheers for reading X