Today has been hard. Well not the whole day but in the morning where for the first time I took my eldest swimming. My husband and youngest were also there. I struggle with social anxiety, autism and a fear of drains.
The first half was ok as it was just me and my eldest. The swimming pool swimming features weren’t switched on so, therefore, a lot, lot quieter, phew! My hubby was with my youngest in a different area as my youngest was having a swimming lesson.
However, the moment when the features got turned on and the crowds appear I am shaking. Then the youngest and husband come into the pool. If that isn’t hard enough my eldest has a friend who I didn’t expect to be there so that is another stress.
Before too long I was struggling, had a panic and all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole.
I didn’t manage the whole time arranged as I just couldn’t cope. The husband recognised that it was too much so suggested leaving early. Now I have the rotten mother guilt to boot.
I feel rubbish, and I am literally shattered. It does not help that I spend most of yesterday feeling really anxious. All adds up – my mind and body are aching. Luckily hubby looks after the children when I sleep for a couple of hours. When lying down and sleep I just felt all the physical pain.
I hate anxiety!
Cheers for reading X
This evening has been tough, it real has been a battle within my own mind. My husband has boxes everywhere, there is crap everywhere and my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t escape as the doors are closed and only I am confined to the living room as it is not safe for my children to go into any of the other rooms.
There are boxes near the front door, I feel suffocated and angry. Today I feel I am not designed to live in this neurotypical world. I am not suited to living with people and there crap, it is everywhere and there is no order.
My eldest has had major meltdown and screaming matches to add it all into the mix. My ears are ringing. My anxiety is making me shake like a leave. I want to cry but my depression makes me feel so numb. I wish I could just run away, this parenting malarkey is shit. No one cares. I am alone and I just want to switch over. I am struggling with noise, the lightning just all the information. I want my brain to shut down, I want this noise to go away. I want to run away instead I am stuck looking at these four walls and thinking what have I done to my life.
I hate my autism, I don’t care what you think. Days like today I wish it would go away, instead it is always there. How am I meant to feel good about this? what bit of this is good? I feel rubbish and worthless piece of crap and it seems everything I touch goes belly up. I can’t read or communicate correctly. I just don’t see the point, I just want darkness or just some quiet. My world is full of noise and want it to stop so I can breathe.
Cheers for reading X
I hate people, seriously all they ever seems to do is be fake it. Why can’t people be honest and just tell the truth because you think it hurts peoples feelings. But here is the thing I already know so don’t pussy around the subject.
It sucks being autistic, the constant rejection of people, pretending to be nice when really they don’t give two monkeys.
I am sick of it and sick of this world that I live in. It doesn’t help I am stuck in places where people don’t really know where to put me. Let’s face facts first impressions count and no one likes the awkwardness of the autistic people, it is much easier to just deny us the opportunity. Even though us autistic people would so bloody hard, more so then the average person because we have to,i t’s a fight to fit in when your just totally failing on the outside. I feel lost and I don’t belong, this place feels lonely. Sometimes, I just can’t face it anymore but once again you have to find the strength to get back up again even though you are plummeting into a dark, dark place.
It sucks to have to undergo interviews when clearly they are not autistic friendly and again I feel like my needs are met. Don’t you understand us autistic people can’t cope with question after question without getting burnt out, not to mention the social interaction, it takes all our resources to get through it to then be told that actually we are not looking for people at the moment. But why put me through this hell, what you really mean is your not a suitable candidate, just be honest, at least I know where I stand. Right now I feel insulted and taken for a full. It took all my energy to get out my comfort zone and I am devastated. It really does suck because of the effort I but into these things but never get the opportunities, I don’t know why I bother.
Even as an adult I am always dealt with the hand of rejection and you know what people it sucks, big time for us autistic people to be treated like this. I am just thankful for my blog as it is an outlet when other times I can not muster the words to anyone the pain I am battling everyday. Rant over!
Cheers for reading