Some days are really crap, you wonder how you are going to get through them especially when it is only 9:30 on the morning.
I am so tearful because I have reduced one set of medication. I know it is only a side effect and will be worth the pain in the long run. But right now it is a struggle especially when I am so needed during the summer holiday.
I am not very good when people demand me for long periods of time. For me being autistic it is mentally draining and a real battle. I need to switch off and sometimes I just need escape to my bedroom for some peace for five.
I feel a bit suffocated as well being in a flat and the weather being rubbish. I just haven’t got the motivation to anything when I am so tired.
I feel so guilty for feeling tired when I should be on the ball but sometimes I question My ability to parent such as today. I know this is just short lived and because I am frustrated, that being said I have to battle with this thoughts.
I feel pulled into two ways to right my personal feelings as one side of me thinks I am being silly. The other side feels it is cathartic and may help someone.
It is amazing how powerful words on and just writing down your thoughts can really help even if there is no solution. It is a bit like therapy and that is one of the reasons why I love to blog. As in real life I am rubbish at expressing myself to others. Words seem to get mangled up and I stutter and shut down. Again this is influenced by my autism.
So, that is why I turn to my blog as a place of comfort and release of emotions. I don’t feel judged and it is a place where I can freely right without having to worry about all the other social aspects involved when speaking verbally.
Cheers for reading X
When I was a child I did this thing called masking, aka faking it and what this means is that I learnt the behaviour of others. The problem being is that if something changes that I can mess up badly because I can’t be flexible with my thinking. That is the one of the characteristics of autism is we manage change and see things black or white especially when it comes to learn.
I think it’s really hard being an autistic girl growing up because there is so much more pressure to be sociable then a boy. That all the boys got away with not getting noticed there for less social pressure. I used to absolutely hate being a girl because of this reason and I thought boys had it a lot easier or more relaxed attitude with regards to social and communication which suited me perfectly.
Now that I’m an adult I find it a bit more easier because I have more experience and knowledge but I still frequently mess up. If I am feeling anxious or if there is too much going on in my head can’t seem to focus on the rules. There are times when stressful factors cause me more brain power than normal and it is like I regress in my behaviour. That is why it’s so hard to measure autism, as it is not something that you can say x y and z it’s constantly shifting depending on the environment and mindset of that individual.
Since being a parent I have learnt that there are so many other social rules involved when bringing up a child.
I first it’s lovely when my children where new born as there is less pressure on me to be sociable but since my child has started school last year I noticed that there’s a hell of a lot more interaction going on.
Me being an autistic parent does affects my self esteem. A lot of the time I feel inadequate, especially as my husband is very good at communicating and engaging with others. It leaves me feeling really angry and frustrated. I know comparing is the worst thing to do but it coincides with me learning of other people.
I think one of the hardest and upsetting things is when people don’t see you as an individual but some sort of invalid because you’re autistic. They don’t look past the label or they do but then they just talk down to you in a condescending way. The thing is I am aware exactly what is happening, I just I don’t have the skills to communicate and express myself as clearly as other people do.
It has really made me feel quite low at times because I feel like I can’t give my child everything that a typical parent has to offer. I suppose that is why I enjoy the school holidays more because I don’t have to worry about the social things. The only downside is that when I return I have to deal with the social side of education and what not.I feel rubbish and I have felt very very low causing me to struggle to get up in the mornings. I have also learnt to avoid situations and tend to get my husband to do them tasks because it’s too upsetting at times to have to face the discrimination against me. I think that’s one of the saddest things about being an autistic parent is the fact that you deal with a lot of rejection or misunderstanding. I like my voice isn’t heard and again that familiar Outcast feeling appears.
Cheers for reading X
There’s no better place
than being in a garden full of flowers
Or plants whatever takes your fancy
I don’t need humans to feel content
because nature has a way of
Accepting you as you are
so that’s why
I like to be in a garden full of hope
To my darling boy,
Can you believe that you have completed your reception and you will moving to year one. I can still remember when you were first born and being so tiny, how times have changed!
Well what can I say have noticed a real transformation, some good, some challenging shall we say. This year we have learnt so much about you and the person you are becoming.
I and daddy are so learning that you are autistic, even though no one will listen at the moment, but that is more politics and what the eyes can see more than anything but that is a can of worms that I won’t open here.
You have progressively got better with your speech and through expression. You have become more confident and independent. You have thrived in learning – I can’t actually believe how much you love reading now. You can’t seem to stop writing, which is just lovely to see. Your thirst for knowledge is mesmerising (thank Goodness for YouTube).
I know you feel frustrating at the beginning of school due to misunderstandings through communication but you have become more patient and willing to listen. You’re so determined and possibly a little bit stubborn but I think that this are positive traits in a person and make good qualities in life.
You’re such a caring boy, always being kind and listening to others. You don’t exclude people and you want to make sure that they are involved. This might be down to understanding about mummy’s autism and the way that she cannot do the things others can do. Therefore, allowing you to be understanding of other’s needs.
You have excelled in every element of your school report and we are so proud of you. You have come on heaps and bouts. There is more work to do but I know you can achieve it as you are dedicated and focused.
We spoke to your teacher the day before you broke up and she said that you have improved a lot with your behaviour. When asked do you get involved with the naughty behaviour that other people do y out step aside and don’t get invoked. You are now more of a role model child to kids. Me and your daddy believe that this is down to the fact a few months ago we talked openly about your autism and how it affects you in certain ways.
I love you dear child and you make me so proud to allow me to call you mummy.
Well done and here is to the next year which I know you can’t wait to get stuck into
Today I feel defeated,
Now it is all poured out,
when will it stop,
I feel the pressure go,
as my wound unfolds.
My feet hurt today as a result of over using them yesterday. I know so what?! Here is the think why I am talking about my feet is the fact I am autistic you see and my feet posture is not very good. I have always had problems with standing and the way I coordinate my feet.
I am so clumsy as well when I walk, I am guaranteed to trip up even if there is nothing there. The amount of bashing my toes into stuff and cursing under my breathe is unreal. My husband affectionately finds it funny.
I also shuffle my feet, especially when I am stressed. I am constantly getting told stop shuffling your feet like I am some kind of child.
You don’t realise how hard it is to put one foot in front of the other. It can be really challenging. I never really thought about my physical problems when I was younger and now as an autistic adult I am still learning.
It is my arms I struggle with – not really knowing what to do with them when I walk, I find them painful and just frustrating. It is like I have to train my mind to swing my arms when I walk. It is so difficult as I am rubbish at doing two tasks at the same time.
One of the major problems that I struggle with as an autistic person is using my spacial awareness skills and navigating around objects and people. I am not good at forward planning especially in a busy place where I am over stimulated with the sensory information. Sometimes, I get so overwhelmed that I need to sit down and take a moment to take a break because of how mentally exhausting it is.
If I don’t think about my walking and focus on it, I really struggle with bumping into things or trip up.
We as a human are meant to learn this skill at an early age and it to be developed. Therefore not having to think about it as it is a long term in implicit memory. It is wired in the brain so you don’t have to think about it, it is second nature. Being an autistic person we miss out on this opportunity and I do wonder before language evolved how many humans died due to lack of ‘natural’ skills due to having a different way of thinking.
So, therefore if you do wonder why do us autistic people get SO tired this is a little insight, because we have to constantly work our asses of and remembering all these ‘natural’ rules that people take for granted.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes when I am down and all I can see is dread I hold on to my happy times. They are just memories of good times but though are non-materialistic they cost more in worth then any costly good I have.
Sometimes wherever you look you see sadness and heartache, you can watch the news 24/7 and feel pants. It can be hard to see the light when it so overcast with darkness.
Then random things happy, out of the blue without any warning that take your breathe away. Simple things such as taking a moment to talk to you when others see you as autistic. They see you as an individual and respect what you say. They don’t talk at you or speak in a patronising tone, it is the acceptance and thoughtfulness that can make you smile.
It is the gesture of when your husband allows you to have sleep in when you are so desperately tired after an emotional night that drains you from all your energy.
It’s when a stranger spots you dropped your bus pass (your so busy with your screaming child) and hands it back means so much but such a small act of kindness.
Seeing all the good heroes that just do it, just because they are a good human makes this world much more bearable and happy to be here.
My word of the week is
Because my home is basically pretty much looks like a drugs den and I would not dare decorate when I have a hubby who’s experienced in decorating (not to mention a perfectionist). Downside to this is he is lazy so for months we have walls with blobs of paint to see which we want.
Then suddenly, hubby decides to get his shit together and go ape in the space of three days sanding all the walls and buying paint and painting.
Everything is covered in dust and nothing is rightfully in order, OMG I hate it with a passion, why has he always got to be an extremist, grrrrr.
I suppose on a brighter note the walls do not look smother, haha.
Also, had both sets of grandparents different times during the week which instantly means the kids go loopy. But it was nice to have a change for them and they were so excited telling them about every single thing in detail, like we don’t need to know about how much poo you have done today, lol!
Cheers for reading X
I am autistic and often I feel overwhelmed by all the information that I am taking in, weather that be in the physical environment or online. So, I thought I would share with you tips that have helped me feel less overstimulated.
The hardest thing to do so is to step away from the situation but it is the best thing to do. This is because it cuts the information and stops everything from processing. Close the computer, step away from the notes or environment and give yourself that time to calm down/switch off from what is triggering a heighted sense of overload. I found when I have made an immediate cut off I feel I can think clearer rather than just being in the situation where all I can thing about is that one thing. It gives me change to breathe and think what my next move is.
Writing down what exactly I want to do with all the information that is spinning around in my head. Writing down has helped make me feel more space to think straight about exactly what I am doing next. Hence why I always carry a notepad, so I can write all that stuff down that is important to me. Doing this also gives me a sense of control so I don’t get scared of missing out on any vital information at a later date.
Often when I am feeling overwhelmed at home it means that I have more than one task to complete. Typically, I am trying to multitask, which is a bad move as I am more likely to make mistakes. Therefore I do a to-do list of all the things I need to get done and then number them in priority. If I don’t finish the list I can leave it for a different time. Sometimes, you have to accept that you are not super human and there is only so much time that you have to do stuff especially being a parent. If it is not something that desperately needs to be done then it can wait. I have done this and found that the work I do at a later date is much better quality. This is because I can focus more on the task rather than at an earlier time when I am stressed out and unable to contrite on that one task, win-win!
I am a big believer in using breathing techniques (it did take me a long time to learn the importance of this) but using all your power on focusing on the art of breathing has really helped over the past couple of months. It helps relax my body and mind, allowing me to feel a reduction in feeling overwhelmed/anxious giving me the break to think.
With regards to my blogging I can get obsessed with linking up posts or saying yes to reviews, even though I am half-hearted about them. It is one of the most challenging things to do as a blogger is to say no, especially if like myself I struggle with social anxiety. Therefore, causing me to worry about the outcome. However, you have to look after yourself and can’t please everyone, you need to do what works for you. It is good to have a break or stop and think what makes you happy.
I hope this has helped anyone feeling overwhelmed, is there anything that has helped you get through feeling overwhelmed?
Cheers for reading X