Those that make the loudest noise get heard!

Hey readers,

Those that make the loudest noise get heard. I know this totally the opposite of a similar saying and agree that you don’t always have to make the biggest noise. However, in some situations, you need to speak out and make that bloody noise to be noticed. This is a lesson that has taken me years to work out. I used to be reserved, even on my blog I worry about what to write and scared that if I am too honest people won’t like it.

depression

 I suffer from mental health conditions (OCD, anxiety, depression, social anxiety) and some of the thoughts that I have scared people. Living with mental illness is a very dark place to be and them thoughts that are taboo, I have to live with every single day. The kind of thoughts I have is thinking about not being here, the world be better off without me, I can’t cope anymore I just want to die. I dread getting up and having to get through another day. This is real life for me, it’s not pretty, it’s tough and I don’t chose to feel this crap if I could wave a magic wand I would be there like a shoot. I want to be More open and raw on my blog because that is what I like to read from others. I am not looking for solutions or sympathy, it is just my little place to express myself. Sometimes, just writing it down can be so cathartic and really beneficial, instead of bottling it in.

calm

I need to stop feeling so ashamed or worry I talk about anxiety or depression a lot. because you know what it is there in my life a lot. It is part of me so naturally is one my biggest influences on the content I make. One major thing I worry about is being open about my mental health on my blog and then maybe at a later date not getting a job because of it.

I think this conservative sort of keeping quiet and carry on mentality stems from childhood and the way I was brought. My earlier years I was brought a Roman Catholic which is pretty hardcore.

calm 2

So, I am slowly changing my thought processes and the way I communicate. It may not be to everyone’s cup of tea but someone may stumble across it appreciate that they do have similar feelings they are not alone. Mental health is very isolating and gets bad press because you know I have come across people that think I am being a drama queen, but accepting that is OK. The more we talk about mental illness the better chance of breaking down the stigma. I believe that mental health should be treated equally the same as physical health.

Cheers for reading X

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Pain 

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:


because I received the letter from the DWP for a reconsideration answer for a request to look at my application again for disability benefit.

The answer was no and scored zero again. I even included a letter of support from my old CPN but it appears that they have sent out the letter two days before receiving my letter, I just don’t know I bother.

It is headache that I don’t really need and it’s making me feel crap. This is how it is now we have to fight for an appeal. my anxiety goes through the roof and I just don’t feel good knowing that I have to wait for the whole appeal process to happen which could take months.

This seems to be making my mental health worse, it just makes me so angry as I have worked so hard over the past couple of years to make small but big improvements.

I suppose I have to remind myself I am not alone and other people also have to fight. I just feel angry at the system which is meant to help the I’ll and disabled. but they have just let most of us down big time.

Cheers for reading X

Today

Hey Readers,

Today has been hard. Well not the whole day but in the morning where for the first time I took my eldest swimming. My husband and youngest were also there. I struggle with social anxiety, autism and a fear of drains.

The first half was ok as it was just me and my eldest. The swimming pool swimming features weren’t switched on so, therefore, a lot, lot quieter, phew! My hubby was with my youngest in a different area as my youngest was having a swimming lesson.

Close-up Photo of a Flowerr

However, the moment when the features got turned on and the crowds appear I am shaking. Then the youngest and husband come into the pool. If that isn’t hard enough my eldest has a friend who I didn’t expect to be there so that is another stress.

Before too long I was struggling, had a panic and all I wanted to do was crawl into a dark hole.

I didn’t manage the whole time arranged as I just couldn’t cope. The husband recognised that it was too much so suggested leaving early. Now I have the rotten mother guilt to boot.

Photography of Trees Covered With Snow

I feel rubbish, and I am literally shattered. It does not help that I spend most of yesterday feeling really anxious. All adds up – my mind and body are aching. Luckily hubby looks after the children when I sleep for a couple of hours. When lying down and sleep I just felt all the physical pain.

I hate anxiety!

Cheers for reading X