I’m stood like a fool,
the outcast that I am,
no one knows
the mask I hold.
forever trying to be
something I am not.
I never will reach,
I am just not good,
I wish was
then maybe life
would be much better.
instead I am stuck,
with my brain fu*ked.
I promised to write more positive posts but then I would not be true to myself. I don’t want to give the impression my life is all lovely and full of flowers when really it can be pretty crap being autistic and trying to cope.
One of the things I seem to struggle is finding my mojo….whereever you are please come back soon, I miss the buzz of the get-up and go!
I feel meh….I know it is only a feeling and that too shall pass. But right now it is hard work to get up and go. I wish I had motivation but having quite an emotional week with downers and feeling well suicidal at one point. I kept thinking life would be much better if I wasn’t here, I f*ck up too much. Don’t worry it was a brief moment when I was right down low and I wanted me to take me. I am still here fighting. I am always fighting and you know what it is bloody tiring. I have to battle my thoughts and try to get on with it and during the summer holiday, it is more intense.
I am sure I will feel better soon, emotions are exhausting and you need time to heal. I sure do, I am exhausting, I just want to stop thinking for a bit. I am constantly planning and preparing because if I don’t then I stubble, badly. Communication, as I have said previously in posts, is something I struggle with, even if it is with people I know. I tend to have a catalog or format in my head on how to speak. Sometimes, I am too exhausted. You could call me anti-social – which would be true. However, space is a big thing for me, I am an introvert by heart and I have come to accept that. I need calm and quiet to move forward.
I suppose writing this out, it has helped clear my thoughts and made me realise that the one thing I need is rest. I need time to heal. It is important to me and it will help greatly. I used to be embarrassed by the fact that social aspect of life makes me so tired and frequently need that rest. I think because of a lot of mental energy and that soon saps away especially if I am working harder as I don’t have the correct natural skills to do the communicating so many people so automatic and they don’t have to even think about.
Sometimes, we have to stop and have a break. It just feels that everywhere there is this notion that you have to be on the go 24-7 but that isn’t the case? I suppose that is why the slow movement has been come popular and a lot of people like myself are getting tired of this fast pace called life.
I think one of the hardest things for me as an autistic is to accept that some things will always be a struggle and that they do tire me. I need to learn to rest and not see myself as a failure because of this. I am sure people don’t look at people with a broken leg or whatever and view them as not thriving. I just have to work around my limitations and do what can do. At least I can say I have tried.
Cheers for reading X
My word of the week is:
First of to kick start the summer hols on day son decides to run in the kitchen with the tablet and accidently drop it on the floor. Restyling in leaving a wonderful massive crack on the tablet, excellent stuff.
We decided to try out the camping for one night this week and sadly I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t cope with the whole situation due to my autism. SO now I feel pretty crappy about myself about the whole situation that I am not good parent again because I cannot do what normal people do. I had a meltdown because of all the stresses and I worry that my husband thinks I’m a right diva but I’m not I just can’t cope with the situation. I am useless with change and dealing with new environments especially when it involves waiting around. It just a big massive trigger for me.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes I lie in my bed at four in the morning and I am just staring at the ceiling and my tummy is filled with dread. My thoughts are filled with fear and I wonder how I am going to get through another day as a parent.
I don’t feel confident at all and I am always questioning everything. Sometimes, I get annoyed with my husband, how he could allow me to be a parent when I am totally useless. I am always tired and things seem to take a long time to master. I seem to make the same mistakes over and over again.
I am now sitting in my son’s assembly hall waiting and feeling yet again that familiar feeling of being a true outcast or black sheep. This feeling is not new to me, it comes frequently where I feel like I am an outsider looking through the glass where I just can’t reach through. It feels so close yet so far away.
There are other times when I get jealous of my husband, he can just get things and communicate really well. I am sitting back permanently struggling and my tummy is in knots with anxiety. He does try to understand my neurosis bless him but he is the complete opposite of me. I watch on as he mingles and just gets these social rules that I seem to get muddled and fail all the time. I just get things, or I am just anxious state of a person. That is one good thing about summer holidays even though I am dealing with the change but not having to think. I over analysis I know but at least it gives me a break where I don’t have to feel completely sh*t again. I know I will never be one of them, good parents that I so desperately want to be, I mess up it is a natural talent of mine. I just get so fed up with it all and after takes its time. It hurts deep and it so damn frustrating. It is a minefield and just getting through the day is a challenge in its self. The thoughts that trigger me are so strong, they keep me awake and let me everytime my downfalls. I just need to a breather, time away and not to think that would be totally blissful.
I remember when I was pregnant dreaming of being this type of parent that would swim into motherhood like flies to poo. Sadly, it hasn’t happened, to delusion, I am nothing that I expected. I thought I would be good at communicating because I was living this role as a mother that it would all somehow come to place. That I would have this maternal instinct. The only thing that I am good at it appears to be is hanging up the washing and creating random fun stories for my boy. It is not much, I am never good at small talk but I take it now and I got to learn to accept the situation for what it is.
Cheers for reading my ramblings X
I have been blogging for over three years now and feel that some experience of this whole blogging malarky. If you have never blogged let me enlighten you as to why you should consider, as there are many positives attached to being a blogger.
Firstly, blogging can allow you to be creative. You don’t have to be a niche but if you want to that is cool because it will be your blog. Blogging can be about anything, it is diverse in the blogging world. You can literally write about anything from domestic abuse to reasons to eat baked beans. It is a great tool for creativity and a way to express yourself to the world.
When I started blogging it was a distraction as I was going through some personal trauma. Blogging also helped me write down my feelings and express myself. I have autism and really struggle with verbal and trying to work out how I feel. With blogging, I can take my time and ponder. Blogging has helped me express myself when I maybe wouldn’t have. Writing has helped me grow in confidence with working out how I feel and exploring reasons why I respond in the way that I do.
One positive about blogging is it can help raise awareness of a message you want to spread. Blog posts are fantastic as they are from the individual rather than an organisation. They are personal and tend to be raw, making it feel more real in a sense. Blogging is a platform to get your voice out there, anyone can read it and it isn’t edited like professionals and I think that is one of the best things about blogs is that they tend to be first-hand accounts. I have always loved when exploring topics to reach out to the first-hand account as it feels real, people have lived it and know what they are talking about.
You learn about yourself.
I think exploring yourself can be quite hard but when you write it allows you to think about things. It makes your analysis and sees things maybe you might not instantly think of. Over time I have learned more about me through blogging and expanding areas of myself when I write.
Built an engagement.
Now, I am no great communicator but I will say that it has helped me get engaged with people. You may stumble across people that in normal life you would never have the opportunity to meet. Some bloggers make long-term friendship and think that is beautiful that something positive can come out of blogging.
Opens up to opportunities.
Blogging opens up to opportunities such as reviewing items or attending events. I am not the most successful blogger in this aspect but reading a lot of blogs if you are good at the social side of things then there are many doors that can be opened.
Now, I have made the odd bit of money here and there which is fab as it has helped me when I really needed it. Some people can make a career out of blogging which I think is such an amazing opportunity to do something that you love.
As I have been blogging for a long period of time I feel that it has helped me be a better writer. I can write more words and can express myself better, which is always a positive.
Cheers for reading X
When I think of the term ‘you are the artist’ I envision it as interpretation. I am mostly bad at interpreting quite frankly. That being said there are times when I see that I think outside the box. I don’t follow a linear movement of what is expected of me due to my autism. I can’t read faces but I can follow my intrusion. I feel it is my light that guides me and helps me move forward.
They do say if you don’t have a strength with your senses then you are enhanced in other ways, I believe that to be true. I am not good at communicating, grammar is not my forte but my words are raw and I feel they have weight to them. I feel I am better with written words, I was mute when I was younger and used poetry as a form of expression. Some may deem this as an art form and that is my calling. I love words, I find them powerful when writing down, maybe because I can take my time to think about what it is I want to say, maybe because I have so many ideas racing through my head I feel inspired. I am lucky that I have this art form. A few years ago I stopped writing, through a really bad trauma I took a change and started blogging, random stuff but it helped me greatly out a dark depression. It motivated me when I lost all hope when my hurt was so raw, words were my therapy. They gave me the strength to get up and carry on. Therefore I am grateful for having a love relationship with words, it has helped me heal and move on with my life.