Checking

The constant checking,

to find a formula,

that appears to calculate,

my need for answers,

but instead

end up in a tangled up mess.

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It’s OK to admit your not ok 

Hey readers,

Today was a day that decided to take action over something that I’ve been in denial about for a while now and that is an increase in being very depressed. I have OCD so the thoughts are very intrusive and fast firing in my head and constantly checking things so enough is enough. My mood is really low and just a sense of dread, followed with complete sadness.

I am on medication, however for a month or two ago I decided to reduce one medication. I forgot what depression had felt like. When you have been taking  medication for so long it suppresses your emotions. Which to be fair has been good as it means you can manage the day but you believe the mindset has shifted therefore believing that you don’t suffer as much.
Another reason why I wanted to reduce my medication is the weight gain. However, I think it is a small price to pay compared to waking up angry/crying/ suicidal etc.  I prefer to be fat and less breakdown than the alternative.

So, Today I took action, I spoke to my husband and booked an appointment to doctor to discuss the matter. Hopefully the doctor can alter it, it may fall down to me having to go and be referred to a psychiatrist to get the issue resolved. 

Yep, so it is just a ramble but glad I took action. Because it is ok to take medication and it is ok to not be ok. I still even now struggle to be open about my depression. It is hard when mental illness is viewed so negatively. I decided to write my thoughts down as a way to help me and allow other people who may be of interest in reading in this and no you are not allow. It is a fight worth fighting for.

Cheers for reading X

Drained

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

DRAINED.png

Because I am drained, I am really tired and my eldest is really testing me. Even  my hubby who is rather chilled himself it is slowly getting to him too.

My eldest is getting more violent (hitting, scratching, biting) and having meltdowns episodically after school. I am trying to deal with my own issues relating to my autism, so trying to find that winning combination is bloody hard work.

I get ‘advice’ but it is exhausted to implement the long list of new things to incorporate. I just get fed up with these professionals dumping this advice on to you. You then got to remember all these new rules. Along with having to go for PIP assessment next week my anxiety is really pushed. I just want that time to not have to think about how I am meant to perform and just be brain dead for a bit.

Cheers for reading X

My moment 

Is my moment now?

Does all the other stuff matter?

What counts towards my path?

No one can tell me,

The door is open for me

To decide where I walk.

go with the wind

Sometimes you have to go with the wind,

to learn a lesson,

to grow

and move forward.