Break

Hey readers,

my word of the week is:

because it is the last week of term and I am knackered. I always am but have to say I am a wingy cow, haha!

My eldest did me proud, we have always struggled with homework. He protests every time he hates homework. I encouraged him to do a bit and remind him that once it is done that he then has the rest of the night to play.

Well, he did his homework and then decided he wanted to do all of it. I told him he could do it tomorrow but he was having none of it and wanted to complete it there and then.

Another big achievement for him is he made up all the sentences by himself with no prompt. Now, this may seem like nothing but this child struggles with abstract and thinking ideas without prompts. So, when he did do sentences I was pretty proud of him as I know this is a big challenge for him.

hope you have lovely Easter.

Cheers for reading X

End

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

Add heading

because this week my son had the beaver toy to look after all week. Whhich was fun until we had to return him. My eldest doesn’t like to return beaver. so, took a lot of persuasion and discussion about if he did have beaver all the time he would be bored. At least when he gets him again in the future he can be excited because it is different and fun.

I also went to a school meeting at school about ds1. He seems to be doing ok, we need to work on him learning that he can’t win everything. He is not good at losing and gets very angry over it. So, we shall see how that turns out. It is something that is going to take time, like everything else.

Hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

New

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

NEW

because my son this weekend went to his first ever scout camp. We were a bit apprehensive as my son is autistic and we weren’t sure how he would respond. Luckily my husband is a volunteer so he stays with him so he doesn’t have a sudden breakdown. That helped a great deal. He did struggle in the evening and the following day. However hubby took him aside to talk it though.

The good news is he did enjoy the camp and he is really looking forward to the next one. However, Monday he was mentally drained from it, so we had to take it really slow with him. Still, for us it is positive he stuck it out and enjoyed himself.

He loved the food from camp as well, I can’t believe how much he ate and even tried the jacket potato though previously he would be against it.

Hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

 

Hair pulling and autism

Hey readers,

One of my problems due to my depression and autism is that I can pull my hair out. I link it to sensory purposes as sometimes I am so numb that I want to feel something or hurt myself. I have been knowing to pull and yank my hair when I am very distressed. I have ripped out clumps of hair when I am going through a meltdown or when I am really angry because I don’t always have the communication skills to express myself. Sometimes, I feel that I need to punish myself because I am not a good parent. I hate myself and worry that I am royally screwing up my children because I have a disability and can not always give the opportunities that other parents can give to their children.

I know it is not the ‘normal’ way to self-harm that has been popularised over the years. I get so frustrated and hurt myself due to low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy due to my autism.  I know this is a sad state of affairs but it is true.

I have always struggled with my autism probably because of past responses of parent/carer when I was younger of not being good enough or the adult of my care being in denial and rejecting my diagnosis. Even to this day I still battle with the thoughts frequently.

I have discussed in a vlog before about skin picking but I haven’t mentioned hair pulling because I was in a bit of denial. I feel through the autism community is good online in accepting and promoting praise for the disability. I feel that if you were to pipe up and say actually sometimes I don’t like being autistic, that you might get abuse and people won’t like you. I guess I am not yet that strong to always speak out and be honest about how I am feeling. I think it is something with time and with my confidence in blogging writing it will come out.

Maybe one day I may get so bad that I need to look at treatment to sort out my hair. One way could be a hair transplant. look into hair transplant cost

Cheers for reading X

I wish….

Hey readers,

Do you wake up and feel the dread in the pit of your stomach. You wonder how the heck you are going to get through the day, the hours feel long and you feel like you are battling through. Everywhere you look people look like they have their sh*t together and you are in this dark place. You want to hide and run away but there is this dark cloud that follows you everywhere you go.

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There are times when I question everything and consider would it be better I wasn’t here. If I died would my boys have a better life? I wouldn’t but sometimes these thoughts pop up when I doubt myself, everything goes wrong and I am just tired of fighting. I just want to hide for a bit. I wish I could run away from myself but no I am stuck with this bag of rubbish.

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I lie in bed and go over everything. I beat myself up with doubt and knock myself down with criticism. I am angry and hate my autism. It makes everything crap or hard work. I don’t feel a natural mother and sometimes truth be told I get angry at my husband for allowing me to have children. Having depression as a parent is tough, I wish I could switch it off. Sometimes the depression lies to me, or my judgments are all wrong. I doubt everything. it is a battle and I wish I could just go out for a walk and it is gone, but mental health is not like that.

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Sometimes I am OK and other days I can barely get out of bed. Then if that weren’t bad enough there is another battle with all the dark thoughts of guilt I have and quite frankly it is exhausting. I wish I could switch it all off, my thoughts and feelings and just be free like a bird.

My husband struggles to understand at times how I feel, probably because we don’t always have time to talk. That is why in the past I have found it beneficial to seek counselling and something that may be helpful for both myself and husband understand each other better. Do check this article that explains all about marriage counselling, Regain.us.

Cheers for reading X