More harm then good

There are times when I want to walk out the door, run away and vanish.

I don’t have the strength and it hurts being not good enough.

I suck at living and sometimes I don’t want to be here.

I want to hide away somewhere dark and quite where no one can reach me.

It feels like an ongoing battle which constantly I need to fight.

It tires me out and I feel so alone and feel like I an the only one.

This is my reality I have to live day in day out and it is exhausting.

Sometimes, I just want to die because I cause more harm then good.

Frustrating

Hey readers

My word of the week is:

I just had one of them weeks when things have been testing me and makes me think what is the whole point of it all really.

I went the other day to a place further a field from where I live so had to get the bus which is stressful for me in its self. When I get to the place this was on  a Wednesday morning post 9 am and oh my gosh the place was heaving full of oaps. I am not used to this environment so really struggled to navigate and manage the noise.  Typical I picked the busiest day of the week. Then I go do a bit shopping for odds and sods and then get to the till and find I have not got my bank card it is at home. I then panic at the to and have a panic attack. So that was frustrating because it took time to go there and come back.

The next thing that annoyed me was instructions and people making them clear meaning that was is expected is not being reached.

Anyway it’s half term holiday so we can have a jolly good rest from it all.

I hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

Defeated

Hey readers,

I have depression, however, I can still function fairly well most of the time. This week though I have suffered a knock back which has been hard to even get out of the bed to function. I wanted to hide because I just didn’t have the energy to fight. The only time I got up was for my children otherwise I felt numb and worthless.

Everything feels like a chore, having to find the motivation to continue was so hard it felt like a mental workout. My body aches because it has taken a battering from my mental torture inside my mind. I am frustrated because I fool myself that I am better when all I do is mask and try to continue.

I suppose with uncertainty my anxiety flares up making me hyper-alert to emotions and always on the lookout because I am not in control. I feel powerless and scared. I hate to think about my future because it saddens me.

My anxiety seeps into my dreams and I relive some painful memories. I don’t like it, I smashed all my stuff on my bedside cabinet not realising until I was awake to find the destruction.

People don’t realise how hard work it is. I know to change the record but it is true, you can’t escape your own mind, there is nowhere to run and feel safe. You have to get through it. It is one of the toughest things I have to do, living is hard work when you feel like a pile crap. I am consciously aware of how I feel. It is exhausting because I am battling my inner monologue.

Sometimes I want to give up a bit I don’t because I would never dream of doing that to my children. They are the only things keeping me going at the moment. I know it just an episode where I feel this crap and I know it will pass. it is just getting through this bad storm to see the other side. during this dark time, it is hard to believe that light will appear because it feels like never-ending.

I think one of the triggers is feeling threatened and not been heard. I feel the injustice and the accusation that has been flowing around. It sucks and hurts. Fear that what I need won’t be there and the fight for getting what I deserve is tough going. It wouldn’t have been so bad had it not been the situation encouraging the event to then turn the other way.

It is hard trying to fight and price something when really the person should open their eyes, but of course, money talks and who cares about being honest when really it all boils down to the number game, f*uck the individual.

I just feel so angered by life and just trying to prove my point. I just got to keep reminding myself it will pass and take one day at a time.

Cheers for reading. X

3 Little Buttons

Rollercoaster

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

because my emotions have been very up down. I have felt frustrated with the school regarding my son and feeling like I am fighting a battle. I have been struggling with depression (but won’t depress you with that). I have also had some happy moments because depression is not always a straight line and mental health is very messy.

I was proud of my son this week as he received marvellous reader award from school. He hadn’t needed to be asked to read this week because he has been really loving Roald Dhal Revolting rhymes, he was hooked. I also dug out Dirty Beasts by Roald Dhal this week and he was hooked. He loves the funny dark side of tales, which is a very good choice in my opinion….lol.

Also, this week I and hubby had a checky date night during a school night, haha. We went to see Simon Evans at Loughborough. It was a good night and just h tonic needed for both of us.

Hope you have had a good week.

Cheers for reading X

Ways in which Careco can help an autistic person live independently.

Hey readers,

ADVERTORIAL

As a person with a disability (autism) that effects my life sometimes I need help to try and make my life manage as best as I can. It can be so frustrating living with a long-term disability and you can feel rubbish about yourself. That is why it is important for me to try to do something for myself.

There are some products that can help make you feel more independent or can help you in your life, small things that make all the difference. Careco provides items to assist in helping with someone who has a disability to be more independent. They have a wide selection of aids to help with your day to day life.

For example, there is a colourful pillbox to help you organise your pills in days and times of the day so you are aware of what to take and on what day. take medication regularly and pillboxes have helped me feel less confused when taking pills because there have been times when I have taken too many or forgotten to take some. So, this pillbox is a fantastic way to make sure you take the correct amount of medication.

ColourMax Weekly Multi Pill Organiser

As someone who struggles with anxiety and depression and can be particularly bad during the winter months with the lack of natural vitamin D from the sunshine. This sad lamp that is medically approved is brilliant to help provide light on the darker days to help not feel so much meh and can uplift your mood.

SAD Light Pad (with Medical Approval).

Another great product that is suitable for an autistic person is this Comfi electric heated blanket. One of the things that actually help a person is tactical items that feel soft on the skin. The blanket is made with the breathable material making it that extra comfy for you and your skin. I like heat as well to help calm me down and blankets especially when having a meltdown can really help reduce the stress and reduce the amount of time I am in distress.

What is good about CareCo is that they provide low costing prices for disability aids so making it more affordable for you to have that choice and opportunity to provide independence. The company has been going for over 13 years and are experienced in providing top quality living aids to help people in need. There are dedicated help advisors who can help you every step of the way when it comes to buying a living aid, making sure that product is right for you and your needs. The main focus of the company is to provide products to help improve the quality and enjoyment of the customer’s life.

Carco is five stars rated on Trust Pilot for customer service meaning you can feel comfortable knowing that customers are important to the company and that they put the customer’s needs at the forefront.

If you need customer service then there is the option to talk to an employee live on the website chat or there is the customer helpline open from 8am till 6pm Monday to Friday or 10am till 3pm on Saturday.

Cheers for reading x

This post is sponsored by Careco, however, all opinions expressed are entirely my own.

Lifemax Infrared Massage Hairbrush review

Hey readers,

ADVERTORIAL

I have autism and one of the things that has helped me when I am going through a meltdown or need something to help me calm down when I am very emotional is sensory, whether it is something like a heavy quilt, low lighting or something that is tactical.

Lifemax Infrared Massage Hair Brush 1

Testing out the Life max infrared massage hairbrush really helped give me something to focus on when I was feeling not good.

The hairbrush is battery operated and takes two AA batteries. It uses infrared light and heat, together with vibration massage to help give some energy to the scalp when brushing through with the brush.

This help to promotes hair growth and health by increasing blood circulation to the hair follicles. It uses seven lights to deliver infrared heat while brushing. It has an ergonomically-shaped handle for maximum comfort and my hair brush that I received was in a black colour however it does come in silver as well. The brush has three settings, off, heat and massage.

I have used it over several nights for approximately 10-15 minutes with using the heat and has really helped with the pressure on my head. It has also helped make my hair feel more glossy and feel slicker. I think it is too early to comment on the hair growth but there has been positive feedback to say with the help of circulating the blood and stimulating the hair follicles it has been beneficial. The vibration element helps with stimulation to the blood flow in the scalp.

My son is also autistic so giving him a massage has helped calm him down to as he really likes the sensation of the bristles and massage working on his scalp.

The brush also is used for people who have issues with mild hair loss as this helps and can help with that.

You can find out about the product from Careco.

Overall it is a great way to keep your scalp healthy and make your hair feel glossy and nurtured.

Cheers for reading X

I was gifted the Life Max infrared massage hairbrush in exchange for a review. However, all opinions expressed are entirely my own.

3 Little Buttons

Anxiety

Hey readers,

As a long-term sufferer from anxiety, I have learned a lot on the way from experiencing anxiety. For one thing, anxiety is the pits! At times when feeling anxious, it feels very real especially when your heart is pounding so hard you feel that it may feel out of your body.

close up of girl covering face

Over the years anxiety scared me ironically. I wanted to run away and try to hide from it but if you have ever suffered from anxiety then it will find you and you will be sure made aware of it. If anything running away from the anxiety actually makes it worse in my opinion and the experience I have had of anxiety.

person holding white printer paper

Over the years I have come to one conclusion with anxiety is to accept it for what it is. Ok, it is a regular visitor but it is definitely not a friend because it is not very nice. But accepting it and feeling the feelings is ok, it doesn’t make me a failure, which I believed for a very long time.

Accepting the anxiety and knowing that the anxious thoughts are not always true and sometimes my behaviour is just learned from all the years of fear. It is a warped way of protecting myself. Now I embrace it, I allow it to come. If I have a panic attack or breakdown in tears I let it come. It is ok and actually, it is so much more manageable than before. This mindset has helped. Likewise, with feelings of failure, I know that anxiety is something that may be with me all my life but it doesn’t mean I am weak or I give in. I accept it and work with it the best I can at that time.

grayscale photo of man touching his face

You have to ride with the anxiety like the waves of the sea. Sometimes I experience anxiety and it can be only a day where I am cribbled with intense dread. Other times I go through periods of total exhaustion, tearfulness, panic attacks etc. That is ok. It is ok not to be ok. It is ok not to be superhuman and it is ok to have anxiety. It doesn’t make me less of a person. I am not anxiety, anxiety is part of me but there are many more layers to me.

I am still learning about my mental health, it is not easy especially when you are vulnerable and prone to the negativity it can catch you out, anxiety is a bugger like that.  But I am with wisdom moving on with anxiety, if it is there it is there but I am not going to run away from it or be scared of it anymore. I think this is one of the most valuable lessons that I have learned in life. I am not superhuman but I can feel and appreciate the feelings. They belong to me and I can respond to them any way I chose. It is my life and the anxiety does not control me, I am the controller of anxiety.

Cheers for reading X