Happiest

I am at my happiest

when I am in control,

don’t leave with unanswered,

or else I will cry.

Don’t hide away,

I am not diseased,

I think different, yes,

but that does not stop me,

from being human,

I have feelings like you,

I am not less valid,

because I am different,

so please don’t judge

all I want you to do

is understand

sometimes I don’t

sing from the

same hymn sheet.

Calm

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

calm

Because the past two weeks have been really challenging mentally for me and it took it’s toll on me.

It is a return to school and no anxiety induced situations for me this week which makes me feel calm because I haven’t used up all my emotions. Therefore allowing my home life to be a bit more calmer, which naturally has a direct impact on my son.

My son however, returning back to school (who is autistic) has been having a fair few meltdowns, luckily we have purchased ear defenders and have found them to be really helpful. I think when my son gets home he is exhausted from all the noise and stimuli so to put them on and drown out everything for a while until he is calmer has been helpful.

I now can not wait to get some adult ones for me for similar reasons as they are quite comforting on the ears and for someone who has sensory issues is an added bonus.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence

What is Home?

Hey readers,

The people of Wayfair went on the hunt to find out what home is for people. This is what Wayfair did:

We hit the streets of London over the Easter weekend equipped with an armchair and a microphone to find out what home really means to us! The findings were both insightful and heartwarming, exposing that our homes are much more than just buildings or places, they are family, comfort, inspiration, happiness and much more. Not only that, but we spoke to a further 400 recipients across the UK & found that over 71% of people coined the sofa as the most important item of furniture in their home, placing the importance on socializing and making use of communal spaces (or being couch potatoes if you look at it another way!)  

Wayfair are doing a campaign on ‘What is Home?’ and for me personally home is not necessarily the physical things but the meaning associated with home. It is safety where when I close the front door I can come into my home and feel less judged.

You see I am autistic and I struggle going out in the outside world, so knowing I have a place where I can relax and not have to put on a mask is comforting. It makes me feel less anxious especially after a hard day, I can come home to my family and just be me without the fear of being judged.

Home is a place where I don’t have to be agitated or on guard, I can kick back on the sofa and just be. Enjoying the calm moments of reading a book with a blanket whilst my two boys are playing next door together with their Lego.

It feels like home because I am a mum and I provide all the needs for my children where they can fun but also develop as children. Where they will hold the memories for years of all the happy times of their childhood.

It is times when we lounge on a Sunday as a family scrawled out whilst watching Big Heads and rooting for King Henry VIII over Donald Trump.

Home is where we get excited about the small things we can do together as a family like watching a sunset or have Sunday dinner and discussing why mummy is called poopoo, while the boys are in hysterics over the hilariousness of it all.

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What does home mean to you? What ideas stir up when you think of home?

Cheers for reading X

Cuddle Fairy
Bringing up Georgia
Pink Pear Bear

Social anxiety kicks in!

Hey readers,

Today I attempted to a volunteer place but totally failed at it and now I feel a fool. 

It was an admin role but it was in an open arena with different people at different desks etc. and I just felt overwhelmed, uncomfortable paranoia and anxious. 

alone

I was so anxious that I had a panic attack. I felt so claustrophobic in that room. Like a fish in a glass bowl and everyone was staring at me. It is the most horrendous and intense feeling ever. 

I just could not handle it mentally. I don’t do small talk and the things I think about to talk about are not appropriate. I think it is anxiety that does that. 

alone 2

I just could not handle it and just went into flight or fight response. I forgot how bad my social anxiety can be, I have not been in this type of social situation for a long time.

I hate myself and now I am beating myself up about it. I know when I have cooled down and talked sense to myself I will see it from a different perspective but right now, in this moment, I am really down and emotional.

I feel that my response and lack of ability makes me a bad person, incapable and a failure. For a brief second I was tempted to jump in front of a train. Don’t worry I won’t but I want to be frank and real. This is real life going through the motions. You have a warped view of yourself and what you ‘ believe’ others think. 

alone 3

I feel I am less of a person because I can’t do this role, because I view success on where I have a job or not and feel that what society views as a good person or parent. This message feels even more present currently through the media when we are heading towards the general elections. 

I feel I have let myself down and my children. Why can’t I accept that I am autistic and some things are hard? I would never, ever expect a person who is confided in a wheel chair to just get up and walk.  That does not stop me being so hard on myself because the stigma is still prevalent and I don’t in normal life discuss really autism because to be perfectly honest I am embarrassed and ashamed. I feel guilty and let down. I know you’re going to say I shouldn’t feel like this but I do and I have experienced people judge me so it is hard to change. Though on a positive note it is something I am working on, but it takes time especially when it damages you so emotionally. The treatment is still discriminator out there, people see mental illness or invisibility as a negative and something that makes you less of a person.

I think I am also scared with regards to autism as it was reported in the news that NHS are diagnosis less children with less severe autism. What next I feel like autism is misunderstood and I am scared for myself and others what the fortune holds. 

Cheers for reading X

diaryofanimperfectmum

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