Maybe

Hey readers,

I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism (though to me it is not mild and it is present every day in my life).

Though there are so many areas to discuss autism today I am going focus on one thing that affects me and causes great distress at the moment. That is the word ‘maybe’, which by the way I hate it and I hate it in relation to a response to a question. It is covered in grey and makes me stressed, especially when it is a response to a question which I want a definite answer (which 90% of the time).

Birds II

You see as an autistic person I like control, I like to know what is happening. I love routine it comforts me. Sometimes I admit I get too rigid that I get struck and obsessive making my health deteriorate. One of the reasons is because I like black and white, I don’t like the murky waters of the unknown. I never have, I feel it is innate and my body responds instantly. I can remember as a young child-hating change and uncertainty. I had carers who seemed unpredictable which is not great if you have an autistic mind like myself you get very confused as to what is happening.  I was on edge not knowing how someone would respond. I had night terrors because of the fear. That is just one example.

chicago night traffic

Maybe I will, maybe I won’t? but why can’t I have a yes or a no? Often, I didn’t care either way, I was more focused on the answer to be certain. I don’t like guessing games, I like certainty.

The blue window 02

I don’t know really what is the point to the point of this post, I just wanted to get it off my chest because right now I am dealing with maybe which quite frankly is most infuriating.

cheers for reading X

Happiest

I am at my happiest

when I am in control,

don’t leave with unanswered,

or else I will cry.

Don’t hide away,

I am not diseased,

I think different, yes,

but that does not stop me,

from being human,

I have feelings like you,

I am not less valid,

because I am different,

so please don’t judge

all I want you to do

is understand

sometimes I don’t

sing from the

same hymn sheet.

Calm

Hey readers,

My word of the week is:

calm

Because the past two weeks have been really challenging mentally for me and it took it’s toll on me.

It is a return to school and no anxiety induced situations for me this week which makes me feel calm because I haven’t used up all my emotions. Therefore allowing my home life to be a bit more calmer, which naturally has a direct impact on my son.

My son however, returning back to school (who is autistic) has been having a fair few meltdowns, luckily we have purchased ear defenders and have found them to be really helpful. I think when my son gets home he is exhausted from all the noise and stimuli so to put them on and drown out everything for a while until he is calmer has been helpful.

I now can not wait to get some adult ones for me for similar reasons as they are quite comforting on the ears and for someone who has sensory issues is an added bonus.

Cheers for reading X

The Reading Residence