Today I woke up elevated with thoughts of all sorts of possibilities and within ten minutes everything got shot down again. You see depression for me anyway is not where you sit in corner and cry 24/7 – though there have been times when I have done that. But I feel depression is not simply the black cloud that hangs above but it is all sorts of emotions that I experience during the day.
This may seem an odd thing to say but there are glimpses of happiness that can last 30 seconds to five minutes and I have even been know to laugh. You would think nothing was wrong with me, but you will be fooled.
Then my brain reminds me of how shit my life is and how I mess up everything, and majority of the time it can be rooted to my autism. I don’t care what people’s views are living with autism is no walk in the park and it is hard to deal with. Sometimes, I just want to have a break from myself and then just stop the work. It is exhausting and emotionally draining, which affects my mood deeply.
The next feeling could be agitation and just general hopelessness of being stuck in a situation that I have no control over.
Anger comes along when I have to listen to the next person who tells me that it is mind over matter and that I can achieve anything if I put my mind to it. Don’t let the autism get the way they chant, but basically everyone can fuck I want to be dead. For that one second sometimes you think the world would be better if I simply didn’t exist then having to deal with the nonsense circulates around my head.
But then there are moments that are beautiful that are full of wonder and amazement that I can almost think I have achieved something good that day.
Until you start crying randomly at some music that brings it all back and all the negativity is refaced.
You see depression isn’t just one set of emotion, I have only named a few in this post but I want people to be aware that this mental illness is not just dichotomy and that it is much more complicated then what the media portray.
Cheers for reading X
Today I just want to curl up in a ball and hide away from the world. I have had a really difficult day looking after a really energetic child. It didn’t help that when walking into town my son decided all he wanted to do was just scream most of the way and chanting that he wants daddy. It is unbelievably exhausting especially as I am so sensitive to hearing because of my autism.
Then in the afternoon I just constantly had to deal with this mental battle in my head that if I am not entertaining my child 24/7 then somehow I am a rubbish parent. It is a constant battle that occurs in my own head and the sad thing is, is that it is all made by me. No one has told me that I am rubbish, it is just me putting so much pressure on myself, probably some guilt around being autistic and having shortfalls that other parents don’t have to deal with. However, today my anxiety is so high that I am left with a killer headache because I am so tense from my self-inflicted anxiety. I have already had a panic attack and sometimes when so bad I am fearful social services will come and take my child of me simply because I had the TV on to much or I am a bit rubbish at communicating. It sounds silly writing this down but at the time them fears are real and frightening.
Why is it so hard to find a middle ground, I suppose this is always my problem never really reaching that right balance of moderation. I have always been extreme because that is just simply the way my brain is wired. I am all or nothing, so naturally it would seem down into my parenting. I think because a lot of things is down to not communicating and no ‘rules’ as such I find it difficulty to manage. All the things that I am good at are structure based and have a step-to-step system, it is what I excel at. I am not good at ambiguous. I never have and I don’t think I will ever have the skills no matter how many times I try. SO, basically I need to accept me for who I am and instead of putting me down, embrace them skills and use them to my advantage,. I think this is one of the biggest learning curves for me as an autistic parent to master.
But I will say truefully with having such energetic child who will not sit still or does not want to engage in anything longer then five minutes is tough. Especially, when at times where I am by myself and feel like constantly breaking down with fear of how am I going to get past the next three hours?
I hope this stage gets easier and that I can relax and enjoy parenting a bit more and less of a pain in the arse chore that I have to get through.
I feel awful for writing this but this is the truth, this is how I feel at times. Don’t get me wrong other times parenting feels like a breeze especially when there is another parent to help out. But currently with my 3 years old child you it is solid work and really has an ability to have a knack at pushing my buttons.
Cheers for reading X
Sometimes I don’t have the energy,
to embrace the day,
to fight this thing called life.
It is more appealing to hide,
In my little bubble,
with no interference,
form the so-called people,
that wide me up terrible.
My head goes into spin,
so I lose my direction,
with no idea,
how to get back in the arena.
All I can do is rest,
Waiting for the moment,
For me to perform.
The front that saves me,
So much heartache and woe,
When my strength appears,
I can get back to fighting levels,
With the armor of safety,
To complete in this difficulty,
Of life and all it’s mystery.
Today I am sharing a review of A Boy Made Of Blocks by Keith Stewart. It is losing based on the authors relationship with his autistic son.
This book has a main theme of Alex who is the dad of his son , called Sam. Sam is a child who is diagnosed with high functioning autism so, he can communicate but to what extend no one is really sure.
Alex has been the main bread winner, whilst his wife had to leave her job to cater for Sam’s needs 24/7. Naturally, this seems to have caused a rift between Alex and Jody due to pressure, stress, confusion etc when raising an autistic child.
As we have found out further along in the book that communication between Alex and Jody was broken down therefore causing Jody to call time on their marriage, for now it was deemed a trial separation.
On that Sunday Alex left the family home feeling devastated, so he moved into a friend’s apartment which was a typical bachelor pad with all the mod cons including an XBox.
Alex gets into a more depressing situation when the mangers at his job have changed and decide that they no longer need Alex as mortgage adviser. Therefore Alex decided to take three month redundancy deal that the company offered as an incentive.
This causes Alex to spirals into depression.
A new arrangement between Jody and Alex where on a Saturday Alex would look after Sam. Normally Alex and Sam would go to the park but this worried Alex particularly as Sam was hostile to other children and very scared of dogs. There relationship is very basic and it is all new for both Sam and Alex where they are on the beginning of journey if you will in finding out about one another.
Jody buys Sam an Xbox and then gets into the game Minecraft. Sam desperately wants his dad to join in. At first Alex sees this of a pain especially as Sam is constantly calling Alex to check every small development in the game.
There were issues that were concerning Alex around technology and whether it was good for Sam to spend such a long time on the XBox. However, this game was a great distraction for Sam as he could totally escape all his worries, especially as he was getting bullied at school for being different. We find out later on in the book that it is quite clear that when dad does get involved playing Minecraft with Sam it sort of strengths communication and building a stronger relationship between father and son.
When Sam is not centre of attention he is more open and thinks clearer without having to worry about talking and what to have to say. Rather, communication flow is more natural between Sam and Alex. This has helped Alex understand his son more better through the game and can be less jumping to ideas bur more empathetic to why Sam does the things he does. I find this such a brilliant insight into knowing about Autism. Sometimes, you need to have some sort of physical activity that is about order and structure to help ease the anxiety for a person with autism and help the communication between two people.
There are obviously other branches of ‘drama’ if you will regarding Alex’s brother who died due to a car incident when Alex was young. The theme around guilt, running away and facing up to things is a big topic at the end. His sister, mum and Alex all learn to face up to doubts and thoughts. With the main notion of communicating their worries can break down the tension and built back relationships instead of hiding for fear of the outcome. This can help the process of grief and moving forward in all the individuals lives.
There is little nuggets of wisdom form Sam and we can learn a lot from Sam with making things simple outlook of the human race. Seeing them as objects and colours that need to fit together.
Overall, it is a heartwarming story and tells the tale of strangers almost rebuilding and strengthening the relationship between families. I love the fact that it is a personal account and feels real rather then just listening again and again to the trible of the professionals.
There is a new book after this one which I will definitely will be reading in the future be as it would be lovely to hear the new developments of what has bee happening in Sam’s life. Especially, as at the end of this book Sam has moved to a new school that specialises in autism.
This book is definitely a must if your interested in autism or want to hear about a autistic parent’s point of view.
Cheers for reading X